Death
Life
Hitler
Erectile dysfunction
Hemorrhoids
Used car salesmen
Your face
Spam (the e-mail)
Spam (the processed meat product)
Vomiting
Blind dates with ugly people
Getting old
Dying young
Victims of lead-based paint
Fake English accents
February
Global warming
Red wine hangovers
The passage of time
Broken condoms
Dead puppies
The working conditions of migrant laborers
Liberal guilt
Your boss
The existence of other people
All the books you will never read before you die
Brutus
Models
The hydrogen bomb
Monday mornings
The orchestra that played as the Titanic went down
Rats
Family gatherings
Michael Jackson's sexual proclivities
Avian flu
Your inner thighs
Mad Cow Disease
Nostril hair
High Rise Cat Syndrome—a surprisingly common disorder in which urban cats, well, jump
The Third World
Driver's license photos
Calculus
The subprime mortgage crisis
Punching through a cheap wall
Butt acne
The Mongol invasion
The IRS
The influenza epidemic of 1918
Wild dogs
Laundry
Unrequited
love
Unreciprocated oral sex
Bread lines
Vegemite
Lawyers
The airline industry
Gas station bathrooms
Trimethylaminuria—a persistent body odor that smells like rotten fish
The Thirty Years War
The Hundred Years War
Male pattern baldness
Imitation crabmeat
David Hasselhoff
The air quality in Beijing
Asparagus
Obesity
The impossibility of ever really knowing another person
The Spanish Inquisition
The Donner Party
Sweat
Bedbugs
Having to hear about other people's babies
High heels
Alarm clocks
Exploding manhole covers
Republicans
Democrats
Memoirs by people who are boring
Memoirs by people who are more interesting than you
Strychnine
Student loans
Untreated sewage
The final episode of The Sopranos
Carbon monoxide poisoning
Your fortieth birthday
Grain alcohol
The Hilton sisters
TV dinners eaten alone
Bifocals
Credit card debt
The day after Christmas
Toxic mold
Jock itch
Idi Amin—a brutal Ugandan dictator
Birds that fly into windows and die
Identity theft
Polyester
Chlamydia
Your childhood
Rhinestone sunglasses
Double chins
Milli Vanilli
The need for health inspectors
Night blindness
Mange
Running into your ex on your way to the gym
Sex after sixty
Cannibalism
Your children criticizing your cooking
Prostate enlargement
Commercials about prostate enlargement
Existential nausea
Actual nausea
Nuclear war
Drilling in polar bear habitats
Oedipus
Nasal irrigation
Mosquito-borne diseases
Olestra
Computer crashes
The bubonic plague
Static cling
Blocks full of ugly office buildings
Suburban backyards that supply their owner's sense of self-worth
Being unable to escape an inane conversation
Dropping your fork more than once
The verb "fetishize"
Men who pose for pictures with their cars
Rich people with a veneer of culture
Rich people without a veneer of culture
Logging
Standardized tests
Pus
Literary criticism
Lethal injection
Flushing the toilet, which can spray particles of fecal matter up to twenty feet
Playboy bunnies
Rabid dogs
Salmonella
Scoliosis
Flossing
Alien abduction
Dandruff
Colonoscopies
Wine in a box
Unplanned pregnancies
Secondhand smoke
Yeast infections
Commercials about yeast infections
Dropping off dry cleaning
The global economy
Children who want to be cashiers when they grow up
Fake gardens in office buildings
Rodent feces
Computer viruses
The fall of Rome
Dramatic miniseries about the fall of Rome
Dentures
Running into old friends you would have preferred never to see again
Asbestos
Pesticides
Broccoli
NORAD
Disco
Boils
People who order expensive things when they know you're paying
Tapeworms
Men with Napoleon complexes
Anorexia
Cellulite
Pigeons
West Nile Virus
Lice
Dust mites, which make up one-third of the weight of a six-year-old pillow
Aerobics
Piranhas
Guar gum
Spontaneous human combustion
Shoulder pads
Acid rain
Tsetse flies
The Riddler
High school orchestra concerts
Styrofoam
Ugly bridesmaids' dresses
Ugly bridesmaids
Electrocution
Fake silver rings that turn your fingers green
Alphabetical organization
Totalitarianism
Artificial grape flavoring
Roadkill
Minivans
Smallpox
Freud
Critics
Investment bankers
The nonexistence of mermaids
The abduction of Helen of Troy
High blood pressure
Tuna noodle casserole
Receiving fund-raising calls during dinner
European men in Speedos
Spiro Agnew
Conjunctivitis
The increasing rates of childhood allergies
Losing your virginity to the wrong person
Seabirds strangled by six-pack rings
Benedict Arnold
Velociraptors
The meatpacking industry
The meatpacking district
Ruddy-cheeked heroines in Victorian novels
Getting invited to your ex's wedding
Library fines
The weak dollar
Shark attacks
Gorgeous weather in Florida when you're not there
Other people kissing
Ashlee Simpson
The Godfather: Part III
Forgetting to change your underwear
Remembering to change your underwear, then realizing none of your other underwear is clean
Hangnails
Scrapple
Back hair
In-laws
The extinction of the dodo bird
Crack
Vanilla Ice
Tropical resorts in desperately poor countries
Keeping up with the Joneses
The smell of subway stations
Pet psychics
The Great Depression
Gas prices
The assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
People who refer to all Latinos as "Mexicans"
Checking your work e-mail from home
Credit card offers
Dentists
Hairy toes
High school Shakespeare productions
Genital warts
Being put on hold
Dogs wearing sweaters
Sausages in a can
The fact that you are no longer seventeen
Rabies
$800 ergonomic chairs and your inability to afford one
Hope
Cryogenics
The Crusades
Gentrification
Thai prisons
Poodles
Emo
The Energizer Bunny
Your best friend losing twenty pounds
Belly button lint
Not knowing how to change a tire
Scorpions
The fact that Scandinavia has a higher rate of English literacy than the United States
Waiting in line
Necrophilia
Being awake at 4 A.M.
Appendicitis
Litigation
Speed bumps
People who actually pursue their childhood dreams
Getting poked in the eye with somebody's umbrella
Store clerks that ignore you while they talk on the phone
Daylight saving time
Cold grease
People who put nonrecyclables in recycle bins
People who put recyclables in trash cans
Arthritis
The Jonestown cult suicides
Running out of toilet paper
School lunch
Pets that are accidentally left to die in hot cars
Pets that are left to die in hot cars on purpose
Insurance companies
Dental fluorosis
Jingoism
Studies that show that the average father spends less than thirty minutes a week talking to his children
The Malthusian catastrophe—a predicted return to subsistence living due to population growth outpacing agricultural production
People who blog about their personal lives
The stomach flu
Sixteen-year-olds with expensive cars
Having to swipe your own credit card at the grocery store
Pompeii
Children who misbehave in restaurants
Fender benders
Finding out that your lover is gay (when you're not)
Finding out that your lover is straight (when you're not)
Radiation
The death of Elvis
Vending machines that don't work, but take your money anyway
Leg cramps
The Macarena
Bad pickup lines
Alligators in the sewer system
Inside jokes that you don't understand
Futility
Hollywood endings
Coupons that expire before you remember to use them
Hair in the shower drain
The eight spiders, on average, that you eat each year in your sleep
Chlorofluorocarbons
Britney Spears' kids
Your bank account balance
Noiseless choking
Small talk
Rotting elk carcasses
Laughter
Sunlight
People who hit their children on the subway
Original sin
The fact that the French get six weeks of paid vacation annually
The improbability of having sex with attractive strangers
Times Square at rush hour
Tourists who spend five minutes looking at each monument
Public housing in East Berlin in the 1970s
The distributions of the world's resources
Twilight
Bad liars
Good liars
The use of lingerie to revitalize failing marriages
Birds that shit on you
The pillage of valuable antiquities by English gentlemen
Complaining
The heat death of the universe
The end of chivalry
Twelve-year-olds who pose as sex goddesses on the internet
People who refuse to admit they're gay
The failure of the world to acknowledge your genius
Expectations of reciprocity
Self-pity
Mozart's premature death at thirty-five
Nepotism that doesn't benefit you
Autumn
Reading Beckett when you're depressed
People who pretend to listen while they wait to speak
Children who still believe in Santa Claus
Self-indulgence
Self-restraint
Your grandparents' recollections of youthful hopes and passions
Scalping
Militant vegetarians
The destruction of the library of Alexandria
The lengthening of shadows in the evening
Bestiality
The inevitable tyranny of social institutions
Clouds
Waiters with delusions of grandeur
Actors
The impossibility of saying just what you mean
Aporia
Playground taunts
Wagnerian sopranos
Your stomach
Unexamined lives
Closely examined lives
Retailers of copy machines
Having to work late
Kilts
Red-bearded men who like killing babies
The average American attention span
Judas
Lower back pain
Fire alarms when there's no fire
Fire alarms when there is a fire
America
Watching Natalie Portman movies with your wife
Saggy breasts
Interminable Oscar broadcasts
MFA programs in creative writing
Claudius
Sylvia Plath and ovens
The death of Socrates
Evolutionary explanations of love
Slow postal workers
Beethoven's deafness
Eye contact with mountain lions
Facing-page translations of Shakespeare into modern English
Marriage
Divorce
The obscurity of Alfred Russel Wallace, cofounder of the theory of natural selection
Imperfect bladder control
Public beheadings
Fraternities
An ammonia-scented body odor, which is a sign of liver disease
People majoring in business
Deriving pleasure from the misfortunes of others
Transparent attempts at flattery
Impalement
False pleasantries
Colonialism in Africa
Mean people
Sprawling slums of corrugated tin shacks
The terror felt by children in the dark
Coitus interruptus
Myths in which parents unknowingly consume their children in stewed form
Knowing allusions to James Joyce
Sibling rivalry
Blood-drenched dynastic succession struggles
Euphemisms
People who speak loudly in public places
Arranged marriages
The Second Coming
Industrial waste
The sinking of Venice
Pacifists
Determination
Tired waitresses
Counting calories
Richard Simmons
The Penguin
Airborne pathogens
Custody battles
King Lear
Manual labor
The British spelling of "colour"
Compassion
Temperatures at which your face hurts
Slurping noises
Nihilism
Death in the afternoon
Misquotations from the Greek
Being born
Rejection
The doctrine of predestination
Funding for the humanities
The battle of Wounded Knee
Freezing to death in the gutter
Carbohydrates
Siberia
Homes that lack indoor plumbing
Graves, worms and epitaphs
Anthropomorphism
Overly quaint pastry shops
The effects of ethanol on car engines
Custer's last stand
Cotillions
Second marriages
Love
Liposuction
Sarcophagi
Puppet theater
Saying "vagina" in a nonmedical context
Verdi's Requiem
The smell of feet in the summer
Landed gentry
Anchovies
Shotgun weddings
The clubbing of baby seals
Wives of sailors lost at sea
Mediocrity
Intestinal parasites
Scientologists who claim to be persecuted
The noses of former boxers
Cleaning products that cause cancer
The Cobra Kai
Theatrical political protests
Jargon
Cauliflower
Hemorrhagic strokes
Countries you've never visited and never will
Sharing toothbrushes
Daytime television
Bureaucracy
Bad credit
Property taxes
Propaganda that makes people go to war and die
Self-expression
Chapped lips
Megalomania
The Gaza Strip
Studies showing that office workers are interrupted every three minutes, and take twenty-three minutes to get back on task
Open-mic night at the local comedy club
Love letters from people you don't love anymore
Cyanide
Psychosis
The assassination of John Lennon
Getting struck by lightning
Migraines
Root canals
Hip replacements
Pedophilia
Not winning the lottery
The vastness of the sea
Commuting
"Television legs"—blood clots as a result of watching TV for too long
Dead flowers
The apocalypse
The Dow Jones Industrial Average
Cosmetics tested on rabbits
Midlife crises
Divas
Graduate students
The fact that you are reading this book
People who let their dogs lick their ice cream cones
Flogging
Hydrochloric acid
Dehydration
Hyperhydration
Sophomore slump
Multidrug-resistant tuberculosis
Expired airline miles
Coronary artery calcification
Vacuuming
Bear markets
Bear attacks
Bear Stearns
"Bennifer"—the brief and highly publicized union of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Ethics
Raw beef
The writers' strike
Alex Mitchell, an English bricklayer who suffered a fatal heart attack from laughing too hard while watching The Goodies
Dating advice from your grandmother
Public urination
Botulism
Cholera
Hypertension
Taking out the trash
People who actually think that the glass is half full
Getting stood up
Getting stood up because your date is dead
Erosion
Fight-or-flight hormones
Getting honked at (by geese)
Getting honked at (by motorists)
Honorable mention
Cleaning the bathroom
Moldy sponges
Lack of closet space
Inflammation
The smell of nail polish remover
Rotten vegetables
Peeling paint
Unibrows
Unabombers
Magazine articles that tell you your flaws are beautiful
Christmas sweaters
The fact that a desk has four hundred times more bacteria than a toilet
Highly effective people
January 24—National Compliment Day
Terror and pity
Toenails
The eruption of Mount St. Helens
Panty thieves
Arson
Mexican Jumping Death Spiders
Irritable bowel syndrome
Tension headaches
Your pants size
Polio
Dysthymia—a chronic depressive disorder
Leaving the lights on just to increase your roommate's electricity bill
Women who don't realize they're pregnant until their water breaks
Dogs with banal human names
The right to bear arms
Girls who think any guy who's not interested in them must have a disorder, probably Asperger's Syndrome
Girls who think any guy who's not interested in them must be gay
Huge warehouses of expired products that were never opened
Bus drivers who are a bit too happy to see the children after school
Waiters who ramble on about their lives
Broken dress straps
Teenagers discovering the wine cellar
Painfully vigorous hair brushing
Having a third job
Working at a restaurant that has one CD on continual loop
Unsentimental estimates of how many years people have left to live
Designer garbage cans
People too busy to have lunch because of back-to-back meetings with their interior decorator and life coach
Couples who simultaneously talk on their cell phones
The moth-infested lace of antique wedding dresses
Boring relatives from middle America
Accidentally printing a hundred-page document when you meant to print just one page
Brussels sprouts
Vacations ruined by the children you shouldn't have had
Automatically rejecting unfamiliar ideas
Seven-year-old boys forced to have phone conversations with distant relatives
The guillotine
Pigs' feet
Mercury levels in tuna
Cellulose
Getting the middle seat on an airplane
The decline of the rainforests
Your job
Pneumonia
Bullies who stuff people in trash cans
Combination Christmas and birthday presents
Inequity
Soy bacon
Ugly hats
Not getting a holiday bonus
Hairstyles in the '80s
Hairstyles today that look like hairstyles in the '80s
People who answer their cell phones in movie theaters
The huddled masses yearning to be free
Gingivitis
Gossip
Elderly parents
Chairman Mao
Tax breaks for wealthy people
Working on Sundays
Not knowing which fork to use
Cuckoos
Cuckolds
Mephistopheles
Parallel parking
Monsters under the bed
Forgetting other people's names
Other people forgetting your name
The Peloponnesian War
Restaurants that charge for bread
Slavery
Typhoid
Radon
Trying to get a taxi when it's raining
Men wearing toupees
Capitalism
Communism
Macramé
Brecht
The unlikelihood of your ever attending the Academy Awards
The electric chair
Inadequate security measures at nuclear power plants
Syringes on the beach
Dust
Middle school band concerts
Cheap gin
Having to sit in the front row at the movies
People who don't wear deodorant
Alcohol poisoning
Unbearably loud music in trendy restaurants
Tear gas
Jeffrey Dahmer
Flat beer
Cold-hearted snakes
The fact that it's illegal to dance in most New York City bars
The Berlin Wall
People who misspell your name
People who mispronounce your name
Japanese encephalitis
Car accidents
Bad poetry
Shock and awe
Face lifts
Solitude
Company
Jacobean revenge tragedies
Sympathy cards
Week-old lasagna
Heroin
Elevator music
Game shows
Philistines
Elitists
Ambition
Jihad
Dirty dishes
Winter weight
The ten endless minutes between 4:50 P.M. and 5 P.M.
Middle age
The Middle Ages
Mortgage payments
Gift certificates to stores you hate
Skin cancer
Psoriasis
Anyone who puts Baby in a corner
Women with mustaches
Satan
Frozen fish sticks
Eating lunch at your desk
Fat people sitting by you on airplanes
Food poisoning
The carcinogenic potential of silicone breast implants
Death by hanging
Student poetry
Bad movie adaptations of good books
The ozone layer
Crystal meth
Benzene
Bad hair days
Minor chords
Mortality
Senior citizens gambling away their life savings at casinos
The difficulty of reading in the bathtub
Letters marked RETURN TO SENDER
Pens running out of ink
Split ends
The cancellation of Arrested Development
Inflation
People who don't respond to Evites
Man's inhumanity to man
Turbulence on airplanes
Road rage
'Roid rage
Bad jokes
Leftovers
Exhaustion
Exhaust
Worms
Giardia
Heartburn
Clumpy mascara
Infidelity
Orthopedic shoes
Madness
Malapropisms
Clichés
Toadies
Sitcom laugh tracks
Failure
Rusty nails
Yellow fever
Agony
Hairnets
Bruises
Eternity
Valentine's Day
Minimum wage jobs
Sarcasm
MRSA—a virulent skin infection
Premature ejaculation
Your carbon footprint
The nonexistence of unicorns
Freezing rain
Preteens getting pedicures
Barbie
Bulimia
Pop quizzes
Sloppy Joes
Out-of-ink pens
Downer cows
Punching the clock
Spies
Bad movies about spies
Anarchy
The McCarthy era
Dogs that fit in purses
People wearing too-tight clothing
Brain damage
Chipped nail polish
Airline meals
Airlines that don't serve meals
The Japanese zoo animals that starved to death during World War II
Decay
Being "just friends"
The draft
Biological warfare
Dead insects floating in swimming pools
Dead insects floating in drinks
Popped balloons
Heavy suitcases
Getting lost in the desert
Designer clothing you can't afford
Sweaty socks
Getting spaghetti sauce on your white shirt
Slums
Forgetting your umbrella when it rains
The explosion of the space shuttle Challenger
Bubble-gum-flavored ice cream
Getting your foot stuck in the railroad tracks as a train approaches
Scenes in movies about getting your foot stuck in the railroad tracks as a train approaches
Quiet desperation
Noisy desperation
The extinction of the dinosaurs
The Battle of Gettysburg
The possibility that there is no God
Going home for the holidays
Not going home for the holidays
Monosodium glutamate
Performing monkeys
Disconnected phone calls
Love songs
Braces
Broken bones
Floods
Jet lag
Poorly behaved children
Inferior meals at expensive restaurants
Garage bands
Surgeon general's warnings
Forgetting to water your plants
Finding your ex's clothes in your closet
Forest fires
High school reunions
Being wrong
Pol Pot—a ruthless Cambodian dictator
Yellow No. 5
Getting your wisdom teeth out
Dogs that shit in the house
Children that shit in the house
Mistakes
Perverts
Muffin top
Realizing you love someone too late
Realizing you don't love someone too late
Public floggings
The Iron Curtain
Misspelled words
People who talk on their cell phones while driving
Ants
The Vietnam War
Feet in need of pedicures
Crime
Not getting a second chance
Trying to sleep on a train
Diet books
Birds sucked into jet engines
Foot fungus
Ear wax
Smiley faces
Ivan the Terrible
Beauty trends
Blisters
Canine diarrhea
Blue laws
Blue eye shadow
Studies showing that the average American spends 2.5 hours a day watching TV
Gangrene
The winter of the soul
The gag reflex
Terriers
Terrorists
Headgear
Airplane toilets
The Lawrence Welk Show
Bad polka bands
Good polka bands
Sewage overflows
"La Vie en Rose"
Love scenes in movies featuring "La Vie en Rose"
Welts
Bingo
Tasks that expand to fill the time allotted to them
The melting polar ice cap
Nightcaps
Nose hair
Needles
Prescription drug abuse
Nonprescription drug abuse
The word "va-jay-jay"
Rumors
The smell of burning rubber
Prostitution
Being "whipped"
Being whipped
Crocodile tears
The unlikelihood of attaining Nirvana
Falling asleep during business meetings
Ashtrays
Soggy napkins
Red wine stains on teeth
Pestilence
Celebrities who claim to have been awkward in high school
Fashion victims
Cleaning the toilet
Not cleaning the toilet
Jumpsuits
High school musicals
High School Musical
Gargamel the sorcerer
Tom Cruise
Women who shouldn't wear miniskirts, but do
Women who should wear miniskirts, but don't
Losing a perfect game on the last pitch
Elvis impersonators
Broken glass
Dry skin
Oily skin
Combination skin
Caffeine-free Diet Coke
Distant relatives who expect wedding gifts
Slush falling on your head
Nonfat cream cheese
Bryan Adams
Water bugs
Endangered species
Premature babies
Fake smiles
Potholes
Colic
Kissing someone who's just eaten onions
Stew
Mud huts
Used tissues
Lipstick stains
Tenement housing
Neuroses
Pharmaceutical companies
Racism
Manslaughter
The plight of Tibet
Teenage suicide
Sandstorms
Recession
Bridezillas
Fast food
Cyber-bullies
The cabbage soup diet
Cholesterol
Coal
Ham-handed public policy
Tainted food supplies
Subways at rush hour
Insufficient legroom
Aging
Being "big-boned"
Cold weather in April
Foreclosure
Gnats
Oral herpes
Genital herpes
Wedgies
Homophobia
Saddam Hussein
Inferior quality control
The lack of universal health insurance
Jocks
Jockstraps
Being kicked in the shins
Michael Vick
Plastic bags
Incest
Parties you want to attend but can't
Parties you don't want to attend but have to
Dirty hair
Networking
Optimism
Wrath
Envy
Greed
Gluttony
Lust
Sloth
Pride
Overtime losses
Red Sox fans
Yankees fans
Mason Gross School of the Arts
Tendonitis
Gale-force winds
Ghosts
Menstruation
Celebrities who get engaged after they've known each other two weeks
Heart disease
Stuffing envelopes
Temper tantrums
Banned books
Break dancing
Reality TV rejects
The StairMaster
Watching the weather forecast for fun
Getting nervous before doctor's appointments
Moldy bread
Spraining your ankle
Snoring
People who talk too much
People who talk too little
The New Jersey Turnpike
Maniacs
Therapy
Flat tires
Filth
The credit crisis
Your inability to understand the credit crisis
Self-criticism
Genetically modified food products
Glowing reviews of restaurants you can't afford
Counterfeiting
Forgetting to save your work
Fur
Five-legged cows
Three-legged dogs
One-legged people
Children playing in puddles of blood
The numbing influence of time
Staying home alone on New Year's Eve
Smack
Deception
People who have no sense of irony
New York cocktail parties
People who get tattoos of Chinese characters but don't know what they mean
March
Brake failure
Feeling like a minor character in the movie of somebody else's life
Getting chalk all over yourself
The Real World
The real world
Excess verbiage
Unwanted puppies put in sacks and drowned
Sexual harassment
Ordinary people
Getting pulled over for going five miles per hour above the speed limit
Torts
Castration
Military spending
Piece work
The French and Indian War
Alcoholism
The decline of newspapers
Human rights violations
Cold coffee
Misunderstandings
The death of Steve Irwin
The lack of arts funding
Drunk driving
Rhinoceroses getting raped by elephants (yes, this actually happens)
Getting pulled over for running a yellow light
Apartment hunting in Manhattan
The smell of burning garbage
Hurricanes
Ugly Americans
Mentally challenged cops
Failing to disguise your hangover in front of your boss
Getting a call from your mom while you're having sex
Internet porn pop-ups
Loud farts during business meetings
Forgetting everything you learned at school over the summer
People who hang fake testicles on their trucks
Trying to ride through a drive-thru on a horse
Ulterior motives
Secret societies you don't belong to
Broken promises
White shirts with yellow armpit stains
Hibakusha, or Japanese atomic bomb survivors
Depreciation
Teenagers
People who steal stop signs
High school dropouts
Beauty school dropouts
Toxic Shock Syndrome
Virginity
Frivolous lawsuits
Frivolous people
Fifty-year-olds who boast about hangovers
Funeral parlors
Sequels
Prequels
The Cobra Commander
The randomness of the universe
The death of movie stars
The death of celestial stars
Lectures
Gray hair
Bills
Safe-crackers
The popularity of Botox
Spit
Rotten teeth
Marching bands
Miles to go before you sleep
Miners
Layoffs
The cost of health insurance
Standing under the mistletoe and not getting kissed
Backpacks
Seasickness
JonBenet Ramsey
Performance anxiety
Innocent bystanders
Eyeglasses
Spilled milk
Getting charged as an accessory
The objectification of women
Eternal damnation
Ink stains
The smell of dog food
The taste of dog food
Lifetime movies
People who believe in astral projection
Getting your foot stepped on by someone wearing spike heels
Black shoes with white socks
White shoes with black socks
Intestines
The cost of college tuition
Antidepressants
Self-destructive behavior
The secession of South Carolina
Being "pear-shaped"
Ugly jewelry
Maggots
The possibility that a meteorite will extinguish all life on earth
The price of flour
The price of designer handbags
Tearing your ACL in the middle of the sports season
Trains at rush hour
Losing cell phone reception at critical moments
Side effects
Construction
Constipation
Wall Street
Landfills
Lab results
Logging
Legal fees
Ex-best friends
Unmarked police cars
Downed power lines
Personal injury lawyers
Magazines that speculate incessantly over which celebrities are pregnant
The Secret
Not knowing the Secret
Blemishes
Sitting on a bee
Late night subway service changes
Stuttering
Shredder
Not having any money
Eating too much cotton candy
Feeling guilty about not riding your bike to work
The cost of car insurance
Getting a worm in your apple
Pleather
Bunions
Strikes
Outs
Baby squirrels that fall out of trees and die
Carsickness
Mice in restaurant kitchens
Howling dogs
Howling babies
Pamela Anderson
The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire
Losing your iPod
Nonrecreational uses of handcuffs
Drinks with algae
Antigone
Existential despair
Financial planning
Zombies
Conspiracies
Conspiracy theories
Television executives
Tests
Bones
Dogs wearing too many ruffles
Women wearing too many ruffles
Red tape
Pet hair
Lost milk carton tops
Football players with necks the size of most people's thighs
Willful ignorance
Overcooked vegetables
The self-conscious use of literary devices
Ostentatiously religious people
Watching other men hit on your wife
People who speak in codes you don't understand
Arachnophobia
Rainbow parties
The nail polish odor associated with diabetes
Old cars that break down all the time
The "annexation" of Texas
The fact that the rise of serial killers coincided with the rise of highways
Running out of stamps when you need to mail something
Getting dumped via e-mail
The recent works of Augusten Burroughs
Knowing when your friend from second grade goes to the grocery store, thanks to Facebook status updates
The sound of nails on a chalkboard
"Artesian spring water" that actually comes from a tap
Children whose parents don't pay attention to them
Children whose parents pay too much attention to them
Apples stuffed with razor blades
Weevils
Brothers who fought on opposite sides during the Civil War
Choosing the lesser of two evils
Choosing the greater of two evils
People who are more capable than you
Getting a bad hand of cards
Your lack of artistic ability
Women with enormous engagement rings
Getting injured in the middle of a marathon you've been training for all year
Rocksteady and Bebop
Wishing your shoes were Italian
Wishing you were Italian
Listening to love songs when your heart's been broken
Having the wrong answer
Tennis elbow
People with annoying laughs
Not knowing the future
Paying a lot of money to go to a psychic and still not knowing the future
Wolves hunted from airplanes
Married men who don't wear their wedding rings
Fake flowers on gravestones
Getting your car stolen
Overhead projectors
Forgetting your password
Liverwurst
Worn gray carpeting
Gum stuck under your desk
Microphones that don't work
Third husbands
The Draft Riots
Babies who stick their fingers in electric sockets
Fluorescent lighting
Printers breaking late at night
Toilet humor
Soundtracks
Inactivity
Homicide rates
Ugly curtains
Overly tight jeans
Socks with holes in them
Mengistu Haile Mariam—a genocidal Ethiopian dictator
Cheating
Dreaming you're naked in public
Dreaming you're taking a test you forgot to study for
Prisoners of war
Dull knives
The lack of new islands to discover
Smelly cutting boards
Getting your period on vacation
Wasps at barbeques
The Gulag
Your subconscious
Chipped baseboards
Rusty can openers
People who rent for their entire lives
Pepper spray
The unlikelihood that the words "Lights! Camera! Action!" will ever apply to you
People with fabulous hair
Styrofoam peanuts
Getting lost in a foreign country
Saying something stupid
Getting ink on your hands while reading the paper
The cat getting out
Your relationship with your father
Insincerity
TV psychics
Small boys killing ladybugs
Squeaky rocking chairs
Permanent frown lines
Led Zeppelin cover bands
Tarantulas
Infertility
Dirty windows on sunny days
Your lack of heirloom jewelry
Stepmothers
Hysteria
Winos
Homelessness
Bad remakes of classic movies
Slammed doors
Vicious cycles
Putting the car in drive when you meant to put it in reverse
When amputation is the best solution
Discovering that you haven't yet hit rock bottom
The Afghan government's protection of the opium trade
Easy chairs with rips and tears
Scuffed patent leather shoes
Old girdles
Women with men's names
Men with women's names
Overstuffed closets
Defenestration, or throwing someone out of a window
Huge wads of electrical cords behind old TVs
Lost toothpaste caps
People who try to talk like they're from Jamaica
Posters that keep falling down
Waxing poetic
Waxing unwanted hair
Garbage on the sidewalk
Small children sticking marbles up their noses
Carnivorous plants
Adversity
Advertising
Decapitation
Restoration comedy
MC Hammer
Trying to use your hairdryer abroad and having it blow up in your face because it's the wrong voltage
People who love what they do
People who hate what they do and never stop complaining about it
Kamikaze pilots
The smell of Teen Spirit
Rapidly approaching tornadoes
Stepping in dog shit
Promotions of coworkers
Trying to balance career and family
Failing to balance career and family
Ralph Nader's insistence on repeatedly running for president
Buying vegetables and forgetting to eat them
Leaving the oven on
Accidentally setting off your car alarm
Leaving your wallet at home
Your date claiming they left their wallet at home
Cat burglars
Regular burglars
Old maids
Men who don't put down the toilet seat
People who die alone and don't get found until their bodies start to smell
Sitting on a tack
The Battle of the Bulge
Urban ghettoes
Preservatives
Stultifying heat
The Panic of 1837
Forgetting to lock your door
Remembering to lock your door, but worrying all day that you forgot to
People who blast bad music
Scars
Moles
Squamous cell carcinoma
Hat hair
The whales in need of saving
Bad puns
Teenagers who smoke
Accidentally ingesting rat poison
Intentionally ingesting rat poison
Hyenas
Beelzebub
Farmer's tans
The Patriot Act
Sunglasses at night
Advertising jingles that get stuck in your head
The calories in a serving of macaroni and cheese
Telemarketers
Jehovah's
Witnesses
Cults
Drought in Ethiopia
Becoming a statistic
Homeless pets euthanized in overcrowded animal shelters
Trying to figure out how much tip to leave at restaurants
Not wanting to be part of any club that would have you as a member
Machiavelli
AIDS needles
Guys that don't call
Girls that don't answer when you call
Guys that don't answer when you call
Going out to dinner with people who order the most expensive thing on the menu, and then want to split the bill
The death of James Dean
Foreigners who speak better English than you
Oversights
Limitations
The one that got away
Failing to meet the U.S. RDA of vitamins
Scabs that won't heal
Gael Garcia Bernal's height
The Children's Crusades
