Chapter 1: Lenny Junior's Part of the Story Begins
You may remember seeing me on TV when Jodie O'Rodeo saved the world. I was that nerdy guy in the background that nobody could figure out what he was doing there. But nobody really cared because Jodie O'Rodeo had just saved the world. Remember?
Well, that was me, Lenny Flem Jr., and believe it or not, I saved the world too. Me and Jodie saved the world together. And this is the story of how we did it.
Don't worry, we'll get to Jodie's part soon. But don't skip ahead, because if you do, you won't have any idea what she's talking about.
See, it all started with me and my friend Casper going to Sven's Fair Price Store in downtown Hairsprinkle.
Don't ever buy a fake mustache at Sven's Fair Price Store.
Sven's Fair Price Store is an awesome place, and I recommend it if you want to buy fake tattoos, fake noses, fake thumbs, fake eyelashes, fake tuxedo shirts, fake books that have secret compartments, fake laughter machines, fake fog makers, fake feet, fake teeth that you wind up, fake teeth that you stick in your mouth, fake gum that snaps people's fingers, fake dog poop, or fake people poop.
But the fake mustaches are just too good. They're made out of real human mustache hair. Apparently, there are men in Belgium who grow their mustaches for a year, then cut them off and sell them to the Heidelberg Novelty Company.
This makes the fake mustaches really expensive. But they're worth it … if you really want a good fake mustache—which you don't! It'll only lead to trouble. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
If you buy one, you get this stuff called "spirit gum" for free. That's what you use to stick the mustache to your face. It really works and it makes the mustache look really, really real.
I didn't buy one. My friend Casper Bengue bought one. I got this sticky hand on the end of a sticky stretchy rubber kind of thing. It's called the Super-Sticky Hand. You can flick it a long way and it'll stick to whatever it lands on—like a penny, maybe—and then the rubber band part will zip it back to you … with the penny. The hand comes in a little plastic egg so that the stickiness doesn't wear off in your pocket.
It might seem like a stupid thing to choose, but maybe it was my destiny rather than just a dumb idea. Either way, it's a good thing I got it because otherwise … well, I'm not sure what would have happened, but it would have been bad in a huge, earthshaking, TV-news-special-report kind of way.
Actually, things turned out bad in a huge, earth-shaking, TV-news-special-report kind of way anyway. But that wasn't because of the sticky hand. That was because of the fake mustache.
It was Casper who wanted to buy the best, most expensive fake mustache at Sven's.
"Look at this, Lenny," he said to me at his birthday party. (I was the only one who came.) "My nana Nookums gave me four hundred dollars."
Casper's parents are hippies who don't believe in buying anything unnecessary, but every once in a while his rich grandmother gives him money and makes him promise to buy something as unnecessary as possible. That's why Casper's family has a doorbell that says welcome in the voices of two hundred different country-and-western stars, but they don't have regular stuff that every other family has—like a TV.
"Nana Nookums wants me to buy a PlayStation."
"Awesome," I said. "But how can you play a Play-Station without a TV?"
"Precisely," said Casper. "It's absolutely pointless for me to follow my nana Nookums's orders. So I think that means I can ethically spend the money any way I want to."
"Really? Are you going to buy a TV?"
"Of course not. I'm going to buy a fake mustache."
"What? A four-hundred-dollar fake mustache?"
"No, the one I've had my eye on—the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven—is $129.99 at Sven's Fair Price Store. I'm going to use the rest of the money to get a first-class man-about-town suit."
"Why do you need a first-class man-about-town suit? You're not a man-about-town."
"I'm not now, but that's only because I don't have the suit yet. Anyway, you want to come with me downtown? I'm going right now."
"Sure," I said.
Chapter 2: Lovely Downtown Hairsprinkle
I've heard that people in other towns say Hairsprinkle is a very strange place. Maybe because nothing ever changes here. Back like a hundred years ago, lots of towns had trolley cars that went right down the middle of the street on tracks, just like little trains.
Eventually, people got their own cars and didn't want trolley cars anymore and got tired of bumping over the trolley tracks all the time. So all these towns paved over the tracks and sold the trolleys for scrap.
But not Hairsprinkle. Hairsprinkle still has its trolleys, and you can still ride them for ten cents. The people in Hairsprinkle won't elect anyone to be mayor unless he or she promises to never change a thing. My dad, Lenny Flem Sr., says that it costs a ton of money to keep the trolleys running and the ten-cent fare doesn't even begin to pay for it, and that's why his taxes are so high and he's sick of it.
But I'm not sick of it. I love riding the trolleys. One of them goes down Hair Avenue, just two blocks down Sprinkle Street from where me and Casper live.
So it's not a big deal to tell our parents we're going downtown, walk two blocks, pay ten cents, and ride right into the city. We do it all the time. And Casper and I have spent a lot of time downtown at Sven's Fair Price Store and the Hairsprinkle Hot Dog and other places.
But I had never bothered to go into Chauncey's Big & Small, Short & Tall before. That's the first place Casper wanted to go that fateful day.
Chapter 3: The Suit
Are you boys selling candy bars for your GottDangled school? No more candy bars! Get the Helchfitz out of here!"
I was ready to get the Helchfitz out of the store, but Casper didn't budge.
"Don't worry," he whispered. "When you've got four hundred dollars to spend, you get treated differently."
"Are you Chauncey?" he asked the angry man.
"No!"
"Where is Chauncey?"
"Dead!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Casper.
"He died in 1908. I'm his brother, Red."
If Chauncey had died over a hundred years ago, I didn't have any idea how old Red was. Nor was there anything red about him. But it didn't seem smart to ask personal questions.
"I'd like a suit," said Casper.
"Go to the GottDangled Walmart like everybody else. We don't have a kids' section!"
"I don't want a kids' suit. Kids' suits make you look stupid. I want a man-about-town suit for a short man-about-town. And I've got cash."
Red pulled out a ribbon and lunged at Casper. I thought he was attacking him. But Casper stood perfectly still while Red held the ribbon around his stomach, across his shoulders, from his armpit to his wrist, from his knee to his ankle, from his nose to his belly button, and on and on. He never wrote anything down and he didn't seem to be paying attention to the measurements he was taking, because he was rattling off questions like a bag of microwave popcorn. Amazingly, Casper answered every question in about a microsecond.
Double- or single-breasted?
Single.
Worsted?
Yes.
Belt or suspenders?
Suspenders.
Button fly or zipper?
Button.
Pinstripe or herringbone?
Herringbone.
I got bored and looked around. Mostly it was just racks and racks of suits, some really, really small and some really, really, really big. I've never seen anyone in Hairsprinkle big enough to fit into some of those things.
On a table I saw a stack of fuzzy gray hats. But then I wondered if they were really gray and fuzzy or if they were covered by a thick coat of dust.
I reached out a finger.
It was dust.
"Leave those hats alone, you FarDobbled Candy-Bar-Selling Punkler!" screamed Red.
I turned around quick and saw Red and Casper rolling their eyes at me!
"I've got just what you need, sir," Red said to Casper. "The Statesman Deluxe by Porco Risotto Brothers of Milan. It won't even need tailoring. A perfect fit."
He grabbed the closest suit off the closest rack.
"Just $249.99. Comes with a free cravat."
I went over to see it. It was nice, but…
"That's a lot of money," I whispered to Casper.
"It's perfect," said Casper. "Even with tax, I'll still have just enough left to buy the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven."
And so he bought the suit.
Red grabbed the money and petted it and cooed at it while Casper put the suit on. Then Red gave Casper a paper bag for his old clothes and handed him the cravat, which is apparently sort of like a tie. Casper told me he didn't really want it and took it only because it was free.
"Come back anytime!" shouted Red. "Well, not both of you! Not the little Parboiled Snert, but the other one!"
Then Casper and I walked out of the store.
"Wow, look at that short man-about-town!" exclaimed a passerby.
"I wonder why he's hanging around with that nerdy kid," said another.
I had to admit it, Casper did look a little bit more like a short man-about-town than a slightly tall nerdy seventh grader, while I still looked like a slightly short nerdy seventh grader. Maybe I should have bought a dusty hat.
Chapter 4: Sven's Fair Price Store
Hey, let's stop at Hairsprinkle Hot Dog next," I said as we walked up the street.
"No thanks," said Casper. "I don't want to get mustard on my suit."
"Can we at least stop in for a drink? I'm dying. I think I inhaled a pound of dust back at Chauncey's."
Casper glared at me. "Look, I'm not going anywhere near that grease pit with this suit on."
"Well, if you're so worried about it, why don't you put your regular clothes back on?"
"I have my reasons."
"And why are you holding your hand over your face?"
"There are people who shouldn't see me without the mustache."
I looked around. It looked like just the usual Hairsprinkle kind of people, except there did seem to be more than the usual number of strolling accordion players.
"Look," he said, "go have a hot dog if you want, but I'm going to Sven's."
"All right, all right, I'm coming."
I don't think the stuff in Sven's Fair Price Store changes very often, but there's so much of it that you can only see a tiny bit at a time. So every time you go in there, you see something new. Like the sticky hand thing I told you about. I had never seen those before, so I decided to get one.
Since it was almost Halloween, I noticed there were more costumes than usual. But I didn't want a costume, so I looked in the stationery aisle.
That's where I found a Wet Pets pen. It was a ballpoint pen and the top end was made of clear plastic. Inside, there was grungy water and some flecks that seemed to be swimming around. It came with a little book called Care and Feeding of Your Water Hogs.
It was $7.99, and I was sort of thinking about getting one when Casper came over.
"They've raised the price on the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven!" he moaned. "How much money have you got?"
I ripped open the Velcro on my wallet. I had a ten-dollar bill and a one-dollar bill.
"Let me have the ten dollars!" Casper begged. He seemed pretty upset, but I didn't really want to give him ten bucks.
"C'mon, it's my birthday," he said.
"But I already gave you a present," I said.
"It was junk," said Casper.
I couldn't argue with that. About five years ago, my mother bought a bunch of Famous Presidents of History action figures at Sultan's Salvage Store. Any time I get invited to a birthday party, she makes me give one as a present. Nobody wants them, and that may be one reason I rarely get invited to birthday parties anymore.
"No offense, but who wants a Herbert Hoover action figure?" sneered Casper. "You owe me a real present."
"All right, fine," I said, and gave him the ten bucks.
This, of course, was a terrible, terrible mistake. A mistake that would change the course of history. But please, please believe me that if I had known what that ten dollars would do, I never would have given it to Casper. Never.
Chapter 5: Fake Mustache
The Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven was in a glass case. The cashier told us he wasn't permitted to open the case, so he went to get the manager, who turned out to be a very, very angry-looking lady wearing a name tag that said HI, MY NAME IS SVEN!
She was text-messaging someone with her cell phone and didn't even look up at us.
"I don't have time to fool around with the mustaches," she bellowed. "Just get one of the cheap ones from the pile." She gestured to a stack of hundreds and hundreds of shrink-wrapped fake mustaches.
They were marked $2.99 and looked like they had been sitting there since before Sven was born.
"I'm interested in the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven," said Casper.
For the first time, Sven glanced up. She looked very closely at Casper. Her eyes went up and down, noting the sharp creases in his pants … the herringbone pattern in his suit coat … the way his suspenders hooked on to his pants with buttons, not metal clamps.
"I beg your pardon, sir," she said, tossing her cell phone on the counter and pulling a tangled mass of key chains from her pocket. She rummaged through the mess until she found what seemed to be the only key.
"See?" whispered Casper. "The suit worked."
Sven unlocked the cabinet and punched in a code on a little keypad to disable the alarm. There was a whooshing sound as the door opened.
Using a long pair of tweezers, she picked up the mustache and then placed it into a felt-lined box, which she snapped shut when she was done.
The cashier started to ring up the purchase on the cash register, but Sven put out a hand to stop him. "One formality. The Heidelberg Novelty Company requires me to ask the purpose of your purchase."
"Our school is putting on a musical adaptation of The Hoboken Chicken Emergency," Casper replied, "and I've been chosen to play the mayor."
This was a complete and total lie.
"Impressive," said Sven, raising one side of the thick eyebrow that grew across her forehead. "That is a role that takes real gravitas. The mustache will serve you well … Here, please take a complimentary year's supply of spirit gum. It will keep the mustache on your lip through thick and thin."
"Thank you, Sven," Casper said gravely as she handed him a ziplock bag containing a wad of goo.
"Proceed with the sale," Sven instructed the cashier.
When Casper had paid, both Sven and the cashier looked at me expectantly.
"I just want this," I said, and put the little egg with the sticky hand on the counter.
Sven wrinkled her nose in disgust.
The cashier, sneering, hit a few buttons on the cash register and said, "That'll be four fifty."
"But the sign said ninety-nine cents," I said.
"JUST TAKE IT AND GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PATHETIC, SLIGHTLY SHORT, NERDY SEVENTH GRADER!" bellowed Sven.
Chapter 6: The Jodie O'Rodeo Showdeo
Casper and I got back on the trolley and went home.
"Happy birthday," I said, just to be polite. Frankly, I was annoyed by everything that had happened. I had lost ten bucks, been treated like a child twice, and didn't even get a Hairsprinkle hot dog.
Casper looked me in the eye. He shook my hand and patted me on the shoulder. And then he said, "Goodbye, Lenny. Wherever fate leads us tomorrow, please remember that we have walked far in friendship."
"Uh … yeah … real far. Right. Um … see you," I said, with no idea why he was making such a big deal about stuff.
I went home to supper. We eat supper in front of the TV and we vote on what we want to watch. My mom, dad, and I all vote for different things. My sisters both always vote for The Jodie O'Rodeo Showdeo. So they win every time.
To tell you the truth, I'm too embarrassed to vote for it, but I don't really mind watching it. I mean, the plots are stupid—mostly about going to the mall—and now they're all reruns because the show was canceled. Worst of all, the singing is annoying and lip-synched. But Jodie O'Rodeo, the preteen cowgirl queen, is the coolest girl I've ever seen. She rides a horse and does rope tricks and is pretty cute.
It goes like this …
SCENE: JODIE'S BEDROOM
We see Jodie sleeping in a tangle of sheets, blankets, and stuffed animals.
A cell phone rings.
Without getting up, Jodie reaches for it, but picks up a cowgirl boot instead.
JODIE
speaking into the boot
Hello?
[LAUGH TRACK]
She drops boot and picks up cell phone.
JODIE
Hello?
Split screen showing Jodie and her best friend, Kat.
KAT
Oh. My. Gosh! Jodie, what are you doing?
JODIE
Sleeping!
[LAUGH TRACK]
KAT
Why aren't you at the mall!!
JODIE
Didn't I tell you? I'm grounded!
KAT
What for?
JODIE
Remember when I said my dad wouldn't mind if I borrowed his credit card to get those boots with the red, white, and blue fringe?
KAT
Yeah. So?
JODIE
He minded!
[LAUGH TRACK]
JODIE
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm asleep!
KAT
OK, fine, Lala, I just thought you might want to know what your boyfriend is doing … Answer: Buying Shayla an Orange Julius!
Jodie sits straight up in bed, sending her stuffed animals flying.
JODIE
Now I'm awake!
[LAUGH TRACK]
JODIE
I'll be right there!
KAT
I thought you were grounded?
JODIE
Well, it's like Ol' Gramps says, "Sometimes it's better to break a rule … than to break your heart!"
EXTERIOR SHOT OF JODIE'S HOUSE
Second-story window opens. Jodie sticks head out window.
JODIE
"Hey-YO-yo-te-do, Soymilk!"
Soymilk the Wonder Horse gallops past house just as Jodie jumps from window and lands perfectly on Soymilk's back.
[CUE: MUSIC MONTAGE. Shots of Soymilk galloping across town, weaving in and out of traffic, jumping fences while Jodie rides, yodels, and sings her new single, "You're Breakin' My Rule About Breakin' My Heart."]
This was the episode about someone trying to rob the Orange Julius stand at the mall, so Jodie O'Rodeo had to ride her horse down the escalator and lasso the robbers. Then she yodeled, and then her boyfriend gave her the Orange Julius he had bought for Shayla, who accidentally stepped in horse poo.
I've seen the episode so many times, I think I've learned how to yodel just by watching it, but I haven't figured out how they did the horse-on-the-escalator trick.
After supper, I practiced using my new sticky hand. It turned out to be pretty hard to pick up anything with it, even a penny that was just a few feet away. I was just starting to get the hang of it when Dad told me I was driving him crazy and made me go to bed.
Chapter 7: The Crime Wave Begins
The next morning when I went into the kitchen, my mom and dad were watching the Good Morning Hairsprinkle show. They watch it every morning, even though it's the same people shouting at each other or sharing cooking tips. But this morning there was actual news.
"Look, Lenny Junior! Someone robbed the First Bank of Hairsprinkle!" my dad said. Since he's Lenny Senior, he always calls me Lenny Junior. "This is the national news! Hairsprinkle is actually on the national news!"
"Look, Puddingcup, that's our bank! I was just there last week," said my mom. When I was a baby, I liked pudding, so she still calls me Puddingcup. It's better than what she calls my sisters. "Wow, I'm lucky to be alive! I wonder if News Attack wants to interview me?"
"Look," said my dad, "it's Giorgio 'Jim' McPunklett, the famous CNT NewsAttack anchor. He's right here in—"
"This is Giorgio 'Jim' McPunklett, the famous CNT NewsAttack anchor, reporting live from Hairsprinkle, where the first-ever billion-dollar bank robbery was carried out in the wee hours of the morning by a gang of strolling accordion players. Police have arrested several members of the gang—all of whom claim to have no idea what is going on—but haven't found the missing money or the ringleader. The bank's security cameras caught the robbery on film, and, as you can see, the ringleader appears to be a short, well-dressed man-about-town sporting a spectacular handlebar mustache."
Chapter 8: Ten Bucks
Later, at school, I ran into Casper in the hall.
"Hey, Lenny, I'm sorry about yesterday."
"Which part?" I asked.
"The part where I complained about your birthday present and made you give me ten dollars. Herbert Hoover is actually a great action figure. I want to give you your money back."
He handed me a bill.
"Uh, Casper, this is a ten-thousand-dollar bill."
"Whoopsie!" he said, taking it back. He rooted around in his backpack for a minute, then pulled out a ten.
I just looked at it. Finally, I said, "Casper, did you rob that bank last night?"
"What bank?"
"The bank downtown that got robbed!"
"Really? There was a bank robbery?"
"Yeah, really. It's all over the news. The national news!"
"Huh, well, you know, we don't have a TV, so I didn't see the news."
The homeroom bell rang.
"Tell me about it at lunch," said Casper, and he pushed the ten-dollar bill into my hand and headed down the hall.
I looked at the bill. It was stiff and crisp … like a bill that had just come fresh from the bank.
I realized that Casper had never answered my question.
Chapter 9: The Manhunt Begins
As it turned out, I didn't see Casper at lunch. They closed school early because of the manhunt for the criminal mastermind of the bank robbery. Even though nobody had been hurt in the bank robbery, the FBI was worried that the leader of the gang might be dangerous. He had instantly become the second-most wanted criminal in the United States, behind that lady who stole the president's underpants last year.
So the FBI agents and the police and the K-9 squad were searching all over Hairsprinkle. My dad wouldn't let me out of the house to go see Casper. I tried texting him, but he didn't write back.
I just couldn't figure it out. Could Casper really be a bank robber? A billion-dollar bank robber? It sounded crazy, but every single clue matched. I decided to tell my mom and see what she thought.
"That's crazy," she said. "Look at this picture in today's paper."
She showed me the picture, a fuzzy still from footage taken by the bank's security cameras.
"It looks exactly like Casper with a mustache," I said.
"But Casper doesn't have a mustache," Mom said. "He's just a little boy."
"Actually, he's a slightly tall boy, and he does have a mustache—a fake one."
"Well, I think I know the difference between a fake mustache and a real one, and the bank robber's is real. Just look at it!"
I looked at it again. It did look completely real, but then again, so did the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven.
Chapter 10: An E-mail from Casper
Thursday, Oct. 29, 5:30 P.M.
Dearest Lenny,
Man, did I get lucky today! When they closed school, I didn't have to go to math class, which was good because I hadn't done my math homework because I was "busy" last night.
I think I'm going to be "busy" again tonight, so, hopefully, they'll keep school closed tomorrow and I won't have to do that oral report on the Electoral College. Fingers crossed!
I remain as ever…
Your faithful friend,
Casper
Chapter 11: The Crime Wave Waves Again
The next morning, Good Morning Hairsprinkle reported that another bank had been robbed. A big government bank—the Hairsprinkle Federal Gold Reserve!
They were showing the same film clip over and over. It was from the bank's security cameras, and it showed a gang of school librarians breaking down the doors and knocking out the guards with ninja moves. Then a short mustachioed figure in a suit strode in and ordered them to blow the vault door off with dynamite and load the gold bricks onto book carts.
Actually, you couldn't tell they were school librarians from watching the video. But they were all arrested afterward and the police discovered that's who they were. One of them was Mrs. Minnick, our school librarian! Just like the accordion players, none of the librarians knew where the loot had gone or who the mustachioed man was.
The Hairsprinkle Federal Gold Reserve reported that two billion dollars in gold had been taken. They said it would take fourteen big tractor-trailers to move all that gold.
Later in the morning, Move-U-Right Movers called the police to say that they were missing fourteen big tractor-trailers.
It was Friday, but school was called off for the whole day this time, and the National Guard was brought in to prevent another robbery.
My sisters and I had to stay inside all day, and by supper time they had just about driven me crazy.
So after supper—and another episode of The Jodie O'Rodeo Showdeo—I convinced my dad to let me go to Casper's house. He insisted on driving me over, even though it's only three houses away. Along the way, we passed several tractor-trailers driven by what appeared to be children's party clowns.
My dad dropped me off at Casper's and made me promise to phone him to pick me up instead of trying to walk home. "Remember, there's a mad genius criminal mastermind on the loose, and you never know where he might be," he said.
Actually, I was fairly sure that I DID know where the mad genius criminal mastermind was, but I didn't tell Dad that.
Chapter 12: Casper's Messy Room
I rang Casper's doorbell.
"Aw, you're just as welcome here as you can be, sugar," said Dolly Parton's voice.
A few moments later, Casper's mom answered the door. She was carrying what appeared to be a three-foot-long diseased carrot and she had a hatchet in her hand.
"Hey, Lenny. Wassup, dude? Casper's in his room. Supper will be ready at nine thirty if you want to stay …"
"Uh, no thanks, Tammy," I said. "I already ate."
I went up the stairs.
Casper was in his room, putting on a suit. But I noticed it looked slightly different from the one he had bought on our trip downtown.
"How do you like the pinstripes, Lenny?" Casper asked. "I decided the herringbone suit was a little too man-about-town and not quite enough hard-nosed businessman."
I couldn't think of anything to say, because just then I was looking at the rest of the room. The chair, his bed, and almost every bit of space was piled high with gold bricks and bundles of ten-thousand-dollar bills. There was no place to sit down.
"Red—the salesman at Chauncey's, remember?—he gave me another cravat. Honestly, I really don't need two. Would you like it?"
"No, I wouldn't," I said. "Listen, you've got to tell me what's going on! Did you rob the Federal Gold Reserve?"
"What Federal Gold Reserve?" he asked.
"The Hairsprinkle Federal Gold Reserve that got robbed!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, really, it's all over the news. The national news!"
"Huh, well, you know we don't have a TV, so I didn't see the news."
Just then the voice of Johnny Cash came floating through the house: "Welcome to the house, man."
Then Casper's mother hollered up the stairs. "Casper! There's a limo driver here for you."
"Shoot! I'll have to put the mustache on in the car," said Casper, placing the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven in his suit pocket along with the bag of spirit gum. "Sorry I don't have more time to talk. I've got to get to School Skate Night down at the roller rink."
"The roller rink closed last year," I said. "And you never went to School Skate Night anyway."
"Wish me luck!" he shouted, and he took off down the stairs.
"Did you do it or not?!?" I yelled after him.
He didn't answer.
Chapter 13: Calling the Cops
When I got outside, his limo was racing away down the street. I flipped open my cell phone and called my dad to come pick me up. Then I called 911.
"Hairsprinkle Dispatch," said a voice, really fast but also bored.
"Yeah, I know who the bank robber is."
"Let me put you through to the FBI tip line," it said even faster and boreder.
This time I got a recording.
"The FBI is searching for a short man-about-town with a handlebar mustache. If you know any short men-about-town with handlebar mustaches, please rat them out at the tone. Beep."
