PHANTOM DOESM'T LIKE TO TALK in the car; he needs that time to get into character, to "purge himself of the light and whimsy of Trent Clancy… to become a creature of darkness that preys on the evil of man… the scourge of the wicked… Phantom Justice!" Trust me, those are his words, not mine.
I stare out the window, listening to the twinjet turbines of the Stealth Phantom, feeling more underdressed than ever. I wish for some sort of cataclysmic event—a system malfunction, a wrong turn into the river, a nuclear explosion—anything so I don't have to get out of the car.
"We're here," Phantom growls.
"OK. No need to be angry about it," I say.
He turns and stares at me. "Less jokes, more focus."
Why's he being such a jerk?
We park in an alley on the side of the building. Phantom cuts the engines and we get out. Everything is quiet; nothing seems out of the ordinary. This can only mean one thing. Phantom and I look at each other, then look up the side of the building. The roof. Super-criminals always head to the roof.
Our hydraulic grappling hooks zip us forty-five stories in twenty seconds. Phantom's cape flaps above me, flowing around him like a large, inky shadow. My little red cape flaps weakly against my back. We land in our battle stances, the ones that make us look like we're posing for an action figure box. We're ready for anything… except for what we find.
There's no one there.
In the past five years, Phantom and I have landed on hundreds of roofs to face off against hundreds of villains, but this feels different… like the air is charged with electricity. There's an uncomfortable buzz in the pit of my stomach. My mouth is dry. My palms are damp with sweat, so I wipe them on the front of my shirt. It doesn't help.
"Be careful," Phantom says.
I start to answer him when something slams into the side of my head. I backflip out of my tumble and spring up to see what hit me.
"Hello, Banana Pants!" comes a high-pitched voice, the same voice I remember from five years ago. Ugh. It's Monkeywrench. Apparently, in those five years, he ditched the full-face monkey mask and skin-tight black bodysuit. He's wearing a Kabuki-style monkey mask that cuts off at the nose, and a black leather-and-mesh outfit that isn't dorky or revealing at all. In fact, he looks really cool. Dammit.
"It's been a while," he squeals. "Did you miss me? Let's see…" His eyes drop from my face to my tights. "Hm. Apparently not. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
The little jerk went right for the jugular, and I highly doubt that was his last comment on the subject.
"Hello, Weaselwrench," I say, trying to counter.
"Weaselwrench? Is that the best you can come up with?"
He's right. Weaselwrench sucks.
I start to make a comment about his voice not changing yet, but I'm suddenly drowned out by a jet engine–like sound. It's Dr. Chaotic… flying. He's wearing a set of propulsion boots and pointing a complex-looking weapon at us.
"Well, well, well… if it isn't Phantom Justice," Chaotic says.
Phantom Justice's eyes narrow into slits.
"You're too late!" Chaotic yells. "I already have what I came for! And now, I'll blah, blah, blah—" Chaotic starts going on and on in a rant involving (in no particular order): his superiority to Phantom Justice (I'm not even on his radar); his belief that we are fascist slaves to the corrupt corporate system; then back to his superiority to Phantom Justice. I keep my eyes on Monkeywrench, who, frankly, looks like he doesn't know what to do with himself. To be fair, Chaotic's rant is going on a little long. After five years, I guess they're both a little rusty.
Just as Dr. Chaotic seems to be running out of gas, a news helicopter comes buzzing onto the scene. Dr. Chaotic is momentarily distracted, and that's when Phantom throws his shuriken. Even distracted, Chaotic is able to use his laser to knock out most of the small blades. Two get through and manage to hit one of his boots. The boot starts to spark and sputter, so Chaotic lands on the roof of the building. Cybernetic armor forms around his body.
"Just a little something to even the score," he says, sneering.
Phantom Justice starts walking toward him. "It doesn't matter what you do," he says in his trademark growl, "or what you wear, I will bring you… to justice!!"
"Come on!" Chaotic yells, then fires laser blasts from each of his armored forearms. Phantom sidesteps them, like walking in between raindrops, and closes in. He throws a punch. Chaotic gets his force field up, but a little late. The blow sends him sliding back ten feet.
"Heck of a fight, isn't it," comes the screechy voice of Monkeywrench, right before he punches me in the jaw. I manage to roll with it, making the punch more of a glancing blow than the knockout it was supposed to be. It does wake me out of spectator mode, though.
"Whoopsy," I say. "Looks like someone's a little slow and out of practice."
He throws a couple more punches, but I avoid them easily.
"Didn't you work out while Chaotic was away in prison?" I ask. "Hopefully, you kept your legs in shape… you know, so when he goes down again, you can run and hide like you did the last time."
"Ha! Idiot!" Monkeywrench is trying to laugh me off, but I can tell I got to him. He double flips toward me, then flips again and tries to connect with a windmill kick to the head. I sidestep, then send a flurry of jabs at his head; he sidesteps all but the last one. His head snaps back. I try to capitalize on it with an uppercut, but he's too fast. He slides past me and tries a sidekick to the head. I block, then grab his foot, and twist. He twirls midair and kicks out, landing on the ground as if I just ordered him to drop and give me twenty push-ups. He gets a back-kick away toward my stomach. It hits me, but I push myself back to lessen its impact. It barely hurts, only knocking the wind of me for a couple of seconds. By the time I look up again, he's facing me, in a fighting pose, ready to go again.
"Had enough?" he asks.
"You're kidding, right? Maybe you were the strongest little weasel in your 'amateur cowards fight club,' but you're back in the pros now."
"You need shorter insults," he says. "And looser pants."
I feint a left jab; he ducks right; I roundhouse kick and catch him in the face. I send another, but he avoids it and comes in with a left hook, but it's a little slow. I duck under and give a double punch to the stomach. It knocks him back.
"You used to be a decent fighter, Weasel. What happened?" I ask.
"Well, while you were growing out of your tights, I was off living a normal life. Remember a normal life? Probably hard to remember something you never had."
"What's the matter?" I ask. "Jealous because puberty hasn't come yet? Don't worry, Weaselwrench. Eventually, when you get your big-boy voice, you'll get some big-boy body parts to go with it."
"HA! You and your big-boy body parts!" he sneers. "I mean seriously… every news station in the city made such a big deal out of such a… small issue."
I feel a spark of anger, and for the barest instant, I forget my training. I just want to wipe that stupid sneer off his stupid face. I fire a sloppy right hook. He avoids it easily but doesn't take a shot. He knows he's gotten to me. "But then again, maybe you like the attention," he says, a twisted little smirk on his face. "Maybe you like everyone looking at your—"
"Shut up!" I say, and fling another sloppy right. This one he avoids completely. When I follow through, I'm completely off balance. He spins away from me, his back against mine for a moment, and then he grabs my right arm and flings me off the roof.
"See you later, Bright Buns!" he calls after me.
"Way to go, kid," I can practically hear Louis's voice in my head say as I fall. "Remember that lesson about not letting your enemy get under your skin and distract you? You know, the one I teach you JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY? Yeah, well, you just failed it. Now pull yourself together and act like a professional."
I fall ten stories, onto the roof of the shorter building next door. I'm not seriously hurt, but ten stories are ten stories; I'm going to be sore in the morning. I pick myself off the ground, leap over to the other building, and start climbing. I have to get back in the fight before they do Phantom some serious damage.
Sure enough, Dr. Chaotic has managed to pin Phantom Justice's arms behind his back in some sort of electrified netting. Monkeywrench is whaling away on Phantom's face and stomach. Phantom is taking the blows; he looks tired but unhurt for the most part. The news copter is catching all of this, which means that everyone watching at home knows that I'm a complete failure. I leap the length of the roof and tackle Monkeywrench.
"Get offa me, you perv!" he yells.
Without the distraction of Monkeywrench, Phantom Justice is able to break free from Chaotic's netting. I look behind me to see if Phantom needs a little help, just in time to see him rip an entire half-ton air-conditioning unit off the roof and hurl it at Dr. Chaotic. I guess he's OK. The air conditioner grazes Chaotic's armor, just enough to throw it out of whack. The armor is now sparking and twitching.
While I'm watching this, Monkeywrench is able to squirm out from under me. Rather than continue the fight, the little coward bolts, firing one last parting shot over his shoulder: "See you around, pervert!"
Dr. Chaotic also bolts, but neither Phantom nor I have anything left in the tank to give chase. It's hard enough just to stand. My shoulder and ankle are already starting to stiffen up. I limp over to Phantom Justice. "You OK?" I ask him.
"Yeah," he says. "It'll take more than what that little gnat has to hurt me."
I nod. I wish I could say the same thing.
