登陆注册
10440200000002

第2章

HOW IT IS POSSIBLE TO EXIST IN A PLACE THAT SUCKS SO BAD

So in order to understand everything that happened, you have to start from the premise that high school sucks. Do you accept that premise? Of course you do. It is a universally acknowledged truth that high school sucks. In fact, high school is where we are first introduced to the basic existential question of life: How is it possible to exist in a place that sucks so bad?

Most of the time middle school sucks even worse, but middle school is so pathetic that I can't even bring myself to write about it, so let's just focus on high school.

All right. Allow me to introduce myself: Greg S. Gaines, seventeen. During the period described in this book, I was a senior at Benson High School in lovely inner-city Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And before we do anything else, it is necessary for us to examine Benson and the specific ways in which it sucks.

So, Benson is on the border of Squirrel Hill, an affluent neighborhood, and Homewood, a non-affluent neighborhood, and it draws about equal numbers of students from both. On television, it's usually the rich kids who assert control at a high school; however, most of Squirrel Hill's genuinely rich kids go to the local private school, Shadyside Academy. The ones that remain are too few to impose any kind of order. I mean, occasionally, they try to, and that tends to be more adorable than anything else. Like when Olivia Ryan freaks out about the puddle of urine that appears in one of the stairwells most days between 10:30 and 11:00 AM, shrieking at bystanders in an insane, misguided attempt to try to figure out who did it. You want to say, "Liv! The perpetrator has probably not returned to the scene of the crime. Pee Diddy is long gone by now." But even if you did say that, she probably wouldn't stop freaking out. And anyway, my point is that the freak-out doesn't have any measurable effect on anything. It's like when a kitten tries to bite something to death. The kitten clearly has the cold-blooded murderous instinct of a predator, but at the same time, it's this cute little kitten, and all you want to do is stuff it in a shoebox and shoot a video of it for grandmas to watch on YouTube.

So the rich kids aren't the alpha group of the school. The next most likely demographic would be the church kids: They're plentiful, and they are definitely interested in school domination. However, that strength-the will to dominate-is also their greatest weakness, because they spend so much time trying to convince you to hang out with them, and the way they try to do that is by inviting you over to their church. "We've got cookies and board games," they say, or that sort of thing. "We just got a Wii set up!" Something about it always seems a little off. Eventually, you realize: These same exact sentences are also said by child predators.

So the church kids can never be the alpha group, either. Their tactics are just too creepy. At many schools, the jocks would be a good bet to ascend to the throne, but at Benson, they're pretty much all black, and many of the white kids are afraid of them. Who else is there to lead the masses? The smart kids? Please. They have no interest in politics. They're hoping simply to attract as little attention as possible until high school is over. Then they can escape to some college where no one will mock them for knowing how an adverb works. The theater kids? My God, it would be a bloody massacre. They would be found beaten to death with their own dog-eared The Wiz songbooks. The stoners? Too lacking in initiative. The gangbangers? Too rarely on the premises. The band kids? It would be like with the theater kids, except somehow even sadder. The gothy dorks? Impossible even as a thought experiment.

So at the top of the Benson social hierarchy, there is a vacuum. The result: chaos.

(Although let me also note that I'm using overly simplistic categories here. Are there multiple separate groups of smart kids/rich kids/jocks/etc.? Yes. Are there a bunch of groups that don't have easy labels because they're just loose collections of friends without a single defining characteristic? Also yes. I mean, if you wanted, I could just map out the entire school for you, with geeky labels like "Middle-Class African American Junior Sub-Clique 4c," but I am pretty sure no one wants me to do that. Not even the members of Middle-Class African American Junior Sub-Clique 4c [Jonathan Williams, Dajuan Williams, Donté Young, and, until he got really serious about the trombone midway through junior year, Darnell Reynolds].)

So there are a bunch of groups, all jockeying for control, and consequently all of them want to murder each other. And so the problem is that if you're part of a group, everyone outside of that group wants to murder you.

But here's the thing. There's a solution to that problem: Get access to every group.

I know. I know. This sounds insane. But it's exactly what I did. I didn't join any group outright, you understand. But I got access to all of them. The smart kids, the rich kids, the jocks, the stoners. The band kids, the theater kids, the church kids, the gothy dorks. I could walk into any group of kids, and not one of them would bat an eye. Everyone used to look at me and think, "Greg! He's one of us." Or maybe something more like: "That guy's on our side." Or at the very least: "Greg is a guy who I am not going to flick ketchup at." This was a brutally difficult thing to accomplish. Consider the complications:

1. Infiltration of any one group must remain concealed to most, if not all, of the others. If rich kids observe you chatting amiably with goths, the gated community closes its doors to you. If church kids notice you stumbling out of a stoner car, cloaked in smoke as though exiting a sauna, your days of conscientiously not blurting out the F-word in the church basement are over. And if a jock, God forbid, witnesses you hobnobbing with theater kids, he will immediately assume you are gay, and there is no force on earth greater than the fear jocks have of homosexuals. None. It's like the Jewish fear of Nazis, except the complete opposite with regard to who is beating the crap out of whom. So I guess it's more like the Nazi fear of Jews.

2. You cannot become too deeply enmeshed in any one group. This follows from point one, above. One must instead be at the periphery at all times. Befriend the goths, but do not under any circumstances dress like them. Participate in band, but avoid their hour-long jam sessions in the band room after school. Make appearances at the church's ridiculously decked-out rec room, but shun any activity wherein someone is actively talking about Jesus.

3. At lunch, before school, and at all other times in public, you must keep an insanely low profile. I mean, just forget about lunch. Lunch is where you are asked to demonstrate your allegiance to one group or another by sitting with them for all to see-or, God forbid, being asked to sit with some poor sap who's not even in a group. It's not that I have anything against group-less kids, obviously. My heart goes out to them, the wretched bastards. In the chimpanzee-ruled jungle of Benson, they are the cripples, hobbling along on the forest floor, unable to escape harassment and torture from the others. Pity them, yes; befriend them, never. To befriend them is to share their fate. They try to hook you by saying things like, "Greg, d'you wanna sit with me." What they are really saying is: "Please hold still while I stab you in your legs, so that you cannot run when we are overtaken by the Biting Ones."

But really anytime you're in a room with a bunch of groups mixed together, you have to disengage as much as possible. In class, at lunch, wherever.

At this point, you may be asking: "But what about your friends? You can't ignore your friends if you're in class with them."

To which I say: Maybe you haven't been paying attention. The whole point is that you can't be friends with anyone. That's the tragedy and the triumph of this whole way of being that I'm talking about. You can't lead a typical high school life.

Because here's the thing: The typical high school life sucks.

You may also be asking: "Greg, why are you talking trash on the group-less kids? It sounds like you're basically a group-less kid." You have a point, sort of. The thing is, I was in no group, but I was also in every group. So you can't really describe me as group-less.

Honestly, there's no good word for what I was doing. For a while I thought of myself as a practitioner of High School Espionage, but ultimately that was too misleading of a term. That made it sound like I was sneaking around having illicit sexual liaisons with voluptuous Italian women. For one thing, Benson doesn't have any voluptuous Italian women. The closest thing we have is Ms. Giordano in the principal's office, and she's kind of lumpy and has a face like a parrot. Also, she does this thing women sometimes do with their eyebrows where they just completely shave them off and draw new ones in a different weird place with a Sharpie or something, and the more you think about it, the more your stomach starts churning around and you want to claw your own head.

That is literally the only appearance Ms. Giordano is going to make in this book.

Let's just move on.

同类推荐
  • A Topps League Story

    A Topps League Story

    The Pine City Porcupines' batboy, Chad, breaks an important unofficial rule of baseball: Don't talk to the starting pitcher when he's got a perfect game going, where not a single opponent has reached base. Now, because Chad opened his mouth, the entire Pines dugout is upset, the team may lose to the second-to-last-place West Valley Varmints, and Chad has to consult his baseball card collection to figure out how to help his beloved team pull off the perfect game.
  • The Penelopiad

    The Penelopiad

    Margaret Atwood returns with a shrewd, funny, and insightful retelling of the myth of Odysseus from the point of view of Penelope. Describing her own remarkable vision, the author writes in the foreword, I've chosen to give the telling of the story to Penelope and to the twelve hanged maids. The maids form a chanting and singing Chorus, which focuses on two questions that must pose themselves after any close reading of the Odyssey: What led to the hanging of the maids, and what was Penelope really up to? The story as told in the Odyssey doesn't hold water: there are too many inconsistencies. I've always been haunted by the hanged maids and, in The Penelopiad, so is Penelope herself." One of the high points of literary fiction in 2005, this critically acclaimed story found a vast audience and is finally available in paperback.
  • 长大不是一个人的事情

    长大不是一个人的事情

    成长的道路总是崎岖不平,然而也乐趣多多,美丽的景色是岁月的馈赠,内心的愈加强大是更加耀眼的收获。本书选取了《美丽英文》杂志温馨治愈的暖心英文故事来阐述成长这件小事,世界的每个角落都是这样走过,在家人的赞许的目光里寻找支点,在朋友的相扶相伴里寻找勇气,在恋人的不离不弃里寻找力量,这样一步一步,完成长大这个蜕变。
  • Bruised
  • Once Lured (a Riley Paige Mystery--Book #4)

    Once Lured (a Riley Paige Mystery--Book #4)

    "A masterpiece of thriller and mystery! The author did a magnificent job developing characters with a psychological side that is so well described that we feel inside their minds, follow their fears and cheer for their success. The plot is very intelligent and will keep you entertained throughout the book. Full of twists, this book will keep you awake until the turn of the last page."--Books and Movie Reviews, Roberto Mattos (re Once Gone)ONCE LURED is book #4 in the bestselling Riley Paige mystery series, which begins with the #1 bestseller ONCE GONE (Book #1)—a free download, with over 500 five star reviews!
热门推荐
  • 邪凰琳琅殇

    邪凰琳琅殇

    她,最优秀的杀手,却死在唯一信任的人手上。穿越千年原以为的重生,原来只是又一个罪孽的开始。阴谋,杀戮,背叛……她立誓:宁负天下人,决不让一人负我!他,帝国万人之上的夜王,温润俊美如神袛。“如果非要如此,才能让你留在我身边,那我就不会再有丝毫犹豫!”一夕之间,他性情大变,冷情邪佞,杀伐随性。他言:如有地狱,那必是我安身立命之处。“命运既然让我们纠缠到一起,那么就算化身成魔,我也不会再放手!”
  • 蓬山志

    蓬山志

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 东园公记

    东园公记

    本书是林鹏先生新近编写而成的散文集,大部分的文章是跟林先生当兵时期的经历有关,可读性强,可供文学爱好者品读。
  • 来从无安处

    来从无安处

    我从来都知道这里不是我的家相识相恋然后…就没有了
  • 余生守护,七秒誓言

    余生守护,七秒誓言

    他是皇樱学院的风云人物,宛若神作的容颜,成绩优异且权势滔天。她是为他而来,性子清冷,男生着迷,女生妒忌的女神学霸。一朝事发,写满心事的日记薄被人恶意贴在了学校公告栏处。自此,她喜欢他的秘密,不再是秘密。一代清冷女神,最终沦为全校师生茶余饭后的笑柄……在她最无助最脆弱时,他来到她身边,带着冬日暖阳般的笑问她:“你愿意做我女朋友吗?”可明明是被他公开恋情的女朋友,怎地却成了忍辱负重,委曲求全的小三?因为爱他,她一次次的退让原谅,一次次心甘情愿的被他欺骗。绝望过后,她想起曾经有那么一个人,一直默默守护在她的身边,含情脉脉地对她说过:“鱼过七秒,忘却前尘。梦鱼,我要你余生的每一个七秒,都是关于我的。”
  • 娇妻来袭:推倒首席大人

    娇妻来袭:推倒首席大人

    身为一个小小娱记,沈凌薇最大的梦想却是成为娱乐圈影后!谁知道,却一个不小心被嚣张的总裁大人给潜了潜了潜了!!!星途还没璀璨,困难接踵而至,紧接着,天大的秘密一个一个揭开!且看欢喜冤家如何终生眷属!面对桃花一二三朵,看沈凌薇如何掐掉陈雨泽的烂桃花!沈凌薇不仅要翻身农奴把歌唱,一跃星途成影后!【情节虚构,请勿模仿】
  • 绝世小神农

    绝世小神农

    工地搬砖意外开启一纸神秘画轴,少年得圣土,获仙水,修传承,做人上人,成就传奇人生。绿树荫浓、瓦台倒影,阵阵蛙鸣入耳,好一处绝妙圣地!
  • 怪术

    怪术

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 妾是明月犹照君

    妾是明月犹照君

    她有出尘容颜,沉寂在他的身边,直至恩宠加身,她徐徐问:“你何时知晓?”…….…………六国霸主冷漠一笑,“本主在你眼中仅是如此…….”——戴着面具的王妃坐拥三军,她是刁妃,还是妖妃?六国江山举手可得。敌国与故国,良人与仇人之间,她百难抉择。“风月镜,正可照美人面;反可西北望,射天狼!”雪嘉国圣湖,传说中的风月姻缘,谁望与她生死两不相忘无弓箭,天狼星出世,今生是谁守护谁,“失去了我与你相识的容貌,十年生死,你用什么寻我?”………她能辗转寻觅伴她一世的良人吗?风轻云淡之时,牵谁的手了一世尘缘。轻语一句:“妾是明月犹照君。”
  • 与神婚:狂恋三千年

    与神婚:狂恋三千年

    他是高高在上的十二祖巫,生性凉薄,为人厉狠,那放诞不羁的外表下,只愿为一名女子痴守他本是下界一名小小地仙,温润暖心,医术超群,在下界三千年,只为找到当年的救命恩人。她原本是一名不起眼的小偷,一次任务失败,糟小人暗算后,流落到了异世。成为了凡界大国的“九公主”,原本八竿子打不到一边的两人,却因为她顶着一张与那女子极为相似的脸而钩在一起……