The living-room of a house in a seaside town. A door leading to the hall down left. Back door and small window up left. Kitchen hatch, centre back. Kitchen door up right. Table and chairs, centre.
PETEY enters from the door on the left with a paper and sits at the table. He begins to read. MEG'S voice comes through the kitchen hatch.
MEG. Is that you, Petey?
Pause.
Petey, is that you?
Pause.
Petey?
PETEY. What?
MEG. Is that you?
PETEY. Yes, it's me.
MEG. What? (Her face appears at the hatch.) Are you back?
PETEY. Yes.
MEG. I've got your cornflakes ready. (She disappears and reappears.) Here's your cornflakes.
He rises and takes the plate from her, sits at the table, props up the paper and begins to eat. MEG enters by the kitchen door.
Are they nice?
PETEY. Very nice.
MEG. I thought they'd be nice. (She sits at the table.) You got your paper?
PETEY. Yes.
MEG. Is it good?
PETEY. Not bad.
MEG. What does it say?
PETEY. Nothing much.
MEG. You read me out some nice bits yesterday.
PETEY. Yes, well, I haven't finished this one yet.
MEG. Will you tell me when you come to something good?
PETEY. Yes.
Pause.
MEG. Have you been working hard this morning?
PETEY. No. Just stacked a few of the old chairs. Cleaned up a bit.
MEG. Is it nice out?
PETEY. Very nice.
Pause.
MEG. Is Stanley up yet?
PETEY. I don't know. Is he?
MEG. I don't know. I haven't seen him down yet.
PETEY. Well then, he can't be up.
MEG. Haven't you seen him down?
PETEY. I've only just come in.
MEG. He must be still asleep.
She looks round the room, stands, goes to the sideboard and takes a pair of socks from a drawer, collects wool and a needle and goes back to the table.
What time did you go out this morning, Petey?
PETEY. Same time as usual.
MEG. Was it dark?
PETEY. No, it was light.
MEG (beginning to darn). But sometimes you go out in the morning and it's dark.
PETEY. That's in the winter.
MEG. Oh, in winter.
PETEY. Yes, it gets light later in winter.
MEG. Oh.
Pause.
What are you reading?
PETEY. Someone's just had a baby.
MEG. Oh, they haven't! Who?
PETEY. Some girl.
MEG. Who, Petey, who?
PETEY. I don't think you'd know her.
MEG. What's her name?
PETEY. Lady Mary Splatt.
MEG. I don't know her.
PETEY. No.
MEG. What is it?
PETEY (studying the paper). Er-a girl.
MEG. Not a boy?
PETEY. No.
MEG. Oh, what a shame. I'd be sorry. I'd much rather have a little boy.
PETEY. A little girl's all right.
MEG. I'd much rather have a little boy.
Pause.
PETEY. I've finished my cornflakes.
MEG. Were they nice?
PETEY. Very nice.
MEG. I've got something else for you.
PETEY. Good.
She rises, takes his plate and exits into the kitchen. She then appears at the hatch with two pieces of fried bread on a plate.
MEG. Here you are, Petey.
He rises, collects the plate, looks at it, sits at the table. MEG re-enters.
Is it nice?
PETEY. I haven't tasted it yet.
MEG. I bet you don't know what it is.
PETEY. Yes, I do.
MEG. What is it, then?
PETEY. Fried bread.
MEG. That's right.
He begins to eat.
She watches him eat.
PETEY. Very nice.
MEG. I knew it was.
PETEY (turning to her). Oh, Meg, two men came up to me on the beach last night.
MEG. Two men?
PETEY. Yes. They wanted to know if we could put them up for a couple of nights.
MEG. Put them up? Here?
PETEY. Yes.
MEG. How many men?
PETEY. Two.
MEG. What did you say?
PETEY. Well, I said I didn't know. So they said they'd come round to find out.
MEG. Are they coming?
PETEY. Well, they said they would.
MEG. Had they heard about us, Petey?
PETEY. They must have done.
MEG. Yes, they must have done. They must have heard this was a very good boarding house. It is. This house is on the list.
PETEY. It is.
MEG. I know it is.
PETEY. They might turn up today. Can you do it?
MEG. Oh, I've got that lovely room they can have.
PETEY. You've got a room ready?
MEG. I've got the room with the armchair all ready for visitors.
PETEY. You're sure?
MEG. Yes, that'll be all right then, if they come today.
PETEY. Good.
She takes the socks etc. back to the sideboard drawer.
MEG. I'm going to wake that boy.
PETEY. There's a new show coming to the Palace.
MEG. On the pier?
PETEY. No. The Palace, in the town.
MEG. Stanley could have been in it, if it was on the pier.
PETEY. This is a straight show.
MEG. What do you mean?
PETEY. No dancing or singing.
MEG. What do they do then?
PETEY. They just talk.
Pause.
MEG. Oh.
PETEY. You like a song eh, Meg?
MEG. I like listening to the piano. I used to like watching Stanley play the piano. Of course, he didn't sing. (Looking at the door.) I'm going to call that boy.
PETEY. Didn't you take him up his cup of tea?
MEG. I always take him up his cup of tea. But that was a long time ago.
PETEY. Did he drink it?
MEG. I made him. I stood there till he did. I'm going to call him. (She goes to the door.) Stan! Stanny! (She listens.) Stan! I'm coming up to fetch you if you don't come down! I'm coming up! I'm going to count three! One! Two! Three! I'm coming to get you! (She exits and goes upstairs. In a moment, shouts from STANLEY, wild laughter from MEG. PETEY takes his plate to the hatch. Shouts. Laughter. PETEY sits at the table. Silence. She returns.) He's coining down. (She is panting and arranges her hair.) I told him if be didn't hurry up he'd get no breakfast.
PETEY. That did it, eh?
MEG. I'll get his cornflakes.
MEG exits to the kitchen. PETEY reads the paper. STANLEY enters. He is unshaven, in his pyjama jacket and wears glasses. He sits at the table.
PETEY. Morning, Stanley.
STANLEY. Morning.
Silence. MEG enters with the bowl of cornflakes, which she sets on the table.
MEG. So he's come down at last, has he? He's come down at last for his breakfast. But he doesn't deserve any, does he, petey? (STANLEY stares at the cornflakes.) Did you sleep well?
STANLEY. I didn't sleep at all.
MEG. You didn't sleep at all? Did you hear that, Petey? Too tired to eat your breakfast, I suppose? Now you eat up those cornflakes like a good boy. Go on.
He begins to eat.
STANLEY. What's it like out today?
PETEY. Very nice.
STANLEY. Warm?
PETEY. Well, there's a good breeze blowing.
STANLEY. Cold?
PETEY. No, no, I wouldn't say it was cold.
MEG. What are the cornflakes like, Stan?
STANLEY. Horrible.
MEG. Those flakes? Those lovely flakes? You're a liar, a little liar. They're refreshing. It says so. For people when they get up late.
STANLEY. The milk's off.
MEG. It's not. Petey ate his, didn't you, Petey?
PETEY. That's right.
MEG. There you are then.
STANLEY. All right, I'll go on to the second course.
MEG. He hasn't finished the first course and he wants to go on to the second course!
STANLEY. I feel like something cooked.
MEG. Well, I'm not going to give it to you.
PETEY. Give it to him.
MEG (sitting at the table, right). I'm not going to.
Pause.
STANLEY. No breakfast.
Pause.
All night long I've been dreaming about this breakfast.
MEG. I thought you said you didn't sleep.
STANLEY. Day-dreaming. All night long. And now she won't give me any. Not even a crust of bread on the table.
Pause.
Well, I can see I'll have to go down to one of those smart hotels on the front.
MEG (rising quickly). You won't get a better breakfast there than here.
She exits to the kitchen. STANLEY yawns broadly. MEG appears at the hatch with a plate.
Here you are. You'll like this.
PETEY rises, collects the plate, brings it to the table, puts it in front of STANLEY, and sits.
STANLEY. What's this?
PETEY. Fried bread.
MEG (entering). Well, I bet you don't know what it is.
STANLEY. Oh yes I do.
MEG. What?
STANLEY. Fried bread.
MEG. He knew.
STANLEY. What a wonderful surprise.
MEG. You didn't expect that, did you?
STANLEY. I bloody well didn't.
PETEY (rising). Well, I'm off.
MEG. You going back to work?
PETEY. Yes.
MEG. Your tea! You haven't had your tea!
PETEY. That's all right No time now.
MEG. I've got it made inside.
PETEY. No, never mind. See you later. Ta-ta, Stan.
STANLEY. Ta-ta.
PETEY exits, left.
Teh, tch, tch, tch.
MEG (defensively). What do you mean?
STANLEY. You're a bad wife.
MEG. I'm not. Who said I am?
STANLEY. Not to make your husband a cup of tea. Terrible.
MEG. He knows I'm not a bad wife.
STANLEY. Giving him sour milk instead.
MEG. It wasn't sour.
STANLEY. Disgraceful.
MEG. You mind your own business, anyway. (STANLEY eats.) You won't find many better wives than me, I can tell you. I keep a very nice house and I keep it clean.
STANLEY. Whoo!
MEG. Yes! And this house is very well known, for a very good boarding house for visitors.
STANLEY. Visitors? Do you know how many visitors you've had since I've been here?
MEG. How many?
STANLEY. One.
MEG. Who?
STANLEY. Me! I'm your visitor.
MEG. You're a liar. This house is on the list.
STANLEY. I bet it is.
MEG. I know it is.
He pushes his plate away and picks up the paper.
Was it nice?
STANLEY. What?
MEG. The fried bread.
STANLEY. Succulent.
MEG. You shouldn't say that word.
STANLEY. What word?
MEG. That word you said.
STANLEY. What, succulent-?
MEG. Don't say it!
STANLEY. What's the matter with it?
MEG. You shouldn't say that word to a married woman.
STANLEY. Is that a fact?
MEG. Yes.
STANLEY. Well, I never knew that.
MEG. Well, it's true.
STANLEY. Who told you that?
MEG. Never you mind.
STANLEY. Well, if I can't say it to a married woman who can I say it to?
MEG. You're bad.
STANLEY. What about some tea?
MEG. Do you want some tea? (STANLEY reads the paper.) Say please.
STANLEY. Please.
MEG. Say sorry first.
STANLEY. Sony first.
MEG. No. Just sorry.
STANLEY. Just sorry!
MEG. You deserve the strap.
STANLEY. Don't do that!
She takes his plate and ruffles his hair as she passes. STANLEY exclaims and throws her arm away. She goes into the kitchen. He rubs his eyes under his glasses and picks up the paper. She enters.
I brought the pot in.
STANLEY (absently). I don't know what I'd do without you.
MEG. You don't deserve it though.
STANLEY. Why not?
MEG (pouring the tea, coyly). Go on. Calling me that.
STANLEY. How long has that tea been in the pot?
MEG. It's good tea. Good strong tea.
STANLEY. This isn't tea. It's gravy!
MEG. It's not.
STANLEY. Get out of it. You succulent old washing bag.
MEG. I am not! And it isn't your place to tell me if I am!
STANLEY. And it isn't your place to come into a man's bedroom and-wake him up.
MEG. Stanny! Don't you like your cup of tea of a morning-the one I bring you?
STANLEY. I can't drink this muck. Didn't anyone ever tell you to warm the pot, at least?
MEG. That's good strong tea, that's all.
STANLEY (putting his head in his hands). Oh God, I'm tired.
Silence. MEG goes to the sideboard, collects a duster, and vaguely dusts the room, watching him. She comes to the table and dusts it.
Not the bloody table!
Pause.
MEG. Stan?
STANLEY. What?
MEG (shyly). Am I really succulent?
STANLEY. Oh, you are. I'd rather have you than a cold in the nose any day.
MEG. You're just saying that.
STANLEY (violently). Look, why don't you get this place cleared up! It's a pigsty. And another thing, what about my room? It needs sweeping. It needs papering. I need a new room!
MEG (sensual, stroking his arm). Oh, Stan, that's a lovely room. I've had some lovely afternoons in that room.
He recoils from her hand in disgust, stands and exits quickly by the door on the left. She collects his cup and the teapot and takes them to the hatch shelf. The street door slams. STANLEY returns.
MEG. Is the sun shining? (He crosses to the window, takes a cigarette and matches from his pyjama jacket, and lights his cigarette.) What are you smoking?
STANLEY. A cigarette.
MEG. Are you going to give me one?
STANLEY. No.
MEG. I like cigarettes. (He stands at the window, smoking. She crosses behind him and tickles the back of his neck.) Tickle, tickle.
STANLEY (pushing her). Get away from me.
MEG. Are you going out?
STANLEY. Not with you.
MEG. But I'm going shopping in a minute.
STANLEY. Go.
MEG. You'll be lonely, all by yourself.
STANLEY. Will I?
MEG. Without your old Meg. I've got to get things in for the two gentlemen.
A pause. STANLEY slowly raises his head. He speaks without turning.
STANLEY. What two gentlemen?
MEG. I'm expecting visitors.
He turns.
STANLEY. What?
MEG. You didn't know that, did you?
STANLEY. What are you talking about?
MEG. Two gentlemen asked Petey if they could come and stay for a couple of nights. I'm expecting them. (She picks up the duster and begins to wipe the cloth on the table.)
STANLEY. I don't believe it.
MEG. It's true.
STANLEY (moving to her). You're saying it on purpose.
MEG. Petey told me this morning.
STANLEY (grinding his cigarette). When was this? When did he see them?
MEG. Last night.
STANLEY. Who are they?
MEG. I don't know.
STANLEY. Didn't he tell you their names?
MEG. No.
STANLEY (pacing the room). Here? They wanted to come here?
MEG. Yes, they did. (She takes the curlers out of her hair.)
STANLEY. Why?
MEG. This house is on the list.
STANLEY. But who are they?
MEG. You'll see when they come.
STANLEY (decisively). They won't come.
MEG. Why not?
STANLEY (quickly). I tell you they won't come. Why didn't they come last night, if they were coming?
MEG. Perhaps they couldn't find the place in the dark. It's not easy to find in the dark.
STANLEY. They won't come. Someone's taking the Michael. Forget all about it. It's a false alarm. A false alarm. (He sits at the table.) Where's my tea?
MEG. I took it away. You didn't want it.
STANLEY. What do you mean, you took it away?
MEG. I took it away.
STANLEY. What did you take it away for?
MEG. You didn't want it!
STANLEY. Who said I didn't want it?
MEG. You did!
STANLEY. Who gave you the right to take away my tea?
MEG. You wouldn't drink it.
STANLEY stares at her.
STANLEY (quietly). Who do you think you're talking to?
MEG (uncertainly). What?
STANLEY. Come here.
MEG. What do you mean?
STANLEY. Come over here.
MEG. No.
STANLEY. I want to ask you something, (MEG fidgets nervously. She does not go to him.) Come on. (Pause.) All right I can ask it from here just as well (Deliberately.) Tell me, Mrs Boles, when you address yourself to me, do you ever ask yourself who exactly you are talking to? Eh?
Silence. He groans, his trunk falls forward, his head falls into his hands.
MEG (in a small voice). Didn't you enjoy your breakfast, Stan? (She approaches the table.) Stan? When are you going to play the piano again? (STANLEY grunts.) Like you used to? (STANLEY grunts.) I used to like watching you play the piano. When are you going to play it again?
STANLEY. I can't, can I?
MEG. Why not?
STANLEY. I haven't got a piano, have I?
MEG. No, I meant like when you were working. That piano.
STANLEY. Go and do your shopping.
MEG. But you wouldn't have to go away if you got a job, would you? You could play the piano on the pier.
He looks at her, then speaks airily.
STANLEY. I've… er… I've been offered a job, as a matter of fact.
MEG. What?
STANLEY. Yes. I'm considering a job at the moment.
MEG. You're not.
STANLEY. A good one, too. A night club. In Berlin.
MEG. Berlin?
STANLEY. Berlin. A night club. Playing the piano. A fabulous salary. And all found.
MEG. How long for?
STANLEY. We don't stay in Berlin. Then we go to Athens.
MEG. How long for?
STANLEY. Yes. Then we pay a flying visit to… er… whatsisname.…
MEG. Where?
STANLEY. Constantinople. Zagreb. Vladivostock. It's a round the world tour.
MEG (sitting at the table). Have you played the piano in those places before?
STANLEY. Played the piano? I've played the piano all over the world. All over the country. (Pause.) I once gave a concert.
MEG. A concert?
STANLEY (reflectively). Yes. It was a good one, too. They were all there that night. Every single one of them. It was a great success. Yes. A concert. At Lower Edmonton.
MEG. What did you wear?
STANLEY (to himself). I had a unique touch. Absolutely unique. They came up to me. They came up to me and said they were grateful. Champagne we had that night, the lot. (Pause.) My father nearly came down to hear me. Well, I dropped him a card anyway. But I don't think he could make it. No, I-I lost the address, that was it. (Pause.) Yes. Lower Edmonton. Then after that, you know what they did? They carved me up. Carved me up. It was all arranged, it was all worked out. My next concert. Somewhere else it was. In winter. I went down there to play. Then, when I got there, the hall was closed, the place was shuttered up, not even a caretaker. They'd locked it up. (Takes off his glasses and wipes them on his pyjama jacket.) A fast one. They pulled a fast one. I'd like to know who was responsible for that. (Bitterly.) All right, Jack, I can take a tip. They want me to crawl down on my bended knees. Well I can take a tip… any day of the week. (He replaces his glasses, then looks at MEG.) Look at her. You're just an old piece of rock cake, aren't you? (He rises and leans across the table to her.) That's what you are, aren't you?
MEG. Don't you go away again, Stan. You stay here. You'll be better off. You stay with your old Meg. (He groans and lies across the table.) Aren't you feeling well this morning, Stan. Did you pay a visit this morning?
He stiffens, then lifts himself slowly, turns to face her and speaks lightly, casually.
STANLEY. Meg. Do you know what?
MEG. What?
STANLEY. Have you heard the latest?
MEG. No.
STANLEY. I'll bet you have.
MEG. I haven't.
STANLEY. Shall I tell you?
MEG. What latest?
STANLEY. You haven't heard it?
MEG. No.
STANLEY (advancing). They're coming today. They're coming in a van.
MEG. Who?
STANLEY. And do you know what they've got in that van?
MEG. What?
STANLEY. They've got a wheelbarrow in that van.
MEG (breathlessly). They haven't.
STANLEY. Oh yes they have.
MEG. You're a liar.
STANLEY (advancing upon her). A big wheelbarrow. And when the van stops they wheel it out, and they wheel it up the garden path, and then they knock at the front door.
MEG. They don't.
STANLEY. They're looking for someone.
MEG. They're not.
STANLEY. They're looking for someone. A certain person.
MEG (hoarsely). No, they're not!
STANLEY. Shall I tell you who they're looking for?
MEG. No!
STANLEY. You don't want me to tell you?
MEG. You're a liar!
A sudden knock on the front door, LULU'S voice: Ooh-ooh! MEG edges past STANLEY and collects her shopping bag. MEG goes out. STANLEY sidles to the door and listens.
VOICE (through letter box). Hullo, Mrs Boles…
MEG. Oh, has it come?
VOICE. Yes, it's just come.
MEG. What, is that it?
VOICE. Yes. I thought I'd bring it round.
MEG. Is it nice?
VOICE. Very nice. What shall I do with it?
MEG. Well, I don't… (Whispers.)
VOICE. No, of course not…(Whispers.)
MEG. All right, but… (Whispers.)
VOICE. I won't… (Whispers.) Ta-ta, Mrs Boles.
STANLEY quickly sits at the table. Enter LULU.
LULU. Oh, hullo.
STANLEY. Ay-ay.
LULU. I just want to leave this in here.
STANLEY. Do. (LULU crosses to the sideboard and puts a solid, round parcel upon it.) That's a bulky object.
LULU. You're not to touch it.
STANLEY. Why would I want to touch it?
LULU. Well, you're not to, anyway.
LULU walks upstage.
LULU. Why don't you open the door? It's all stuffy in here.
She opens the back door.
STANLEY (rising): Stuffy? I disinfected the place this morning.
LULU (at the door). Oh, that's better.
STANLEY. I think it's going to rain to-day. What do you think?
LULU. I hope so. You could do with it.
STANLEY. Me! I was in the sea at half past six.
LULU. Were you?
STANLEY. I went right out to the headland and back before breakfast. Don't you believe me!
She sits, takes out a compact and powders her nose.
LULU (offering him the compact). Do you want to have a look at your face? (STANLEY withdraws from the table.) You could do with a shave, do you know that? (STANLEY sits, right at the table.) Don't you ever go out? (He does not answer.) I mean, what do you do, just sit around the house like this all day long? (Pause.) Hasn't Mrs Boles got enough to do without having you under her feet all day long?
STANLEY. I always stand on the table when she sweeps the floor.
LULU. Why don't you have a wash? You look terrible.
STANLEY. A wash wouldn't make any difference.
LULU (rising). Come out and get a bit of air. You depress me, looking like that.
STANLEY. Air? Oh, I don't know about that.
LULU. It's lovely out. And I've got a few sandwiches.
STANLEY. What sort of sandwiches?
LULU. Cheese.
STANLEY. I'm a big eater, you know.
LULU. That's all right. I'm not hungry.
STANLEY (abruptly). How would you like to go away with me?
LULU. Where.
STANLEY. Nowhere. Still, we could go.
LULU. But where could we go?
STANLEY. Nowhere. There's nowhere to go. So we could just go. It wouldn't matter.
LULU. We might as well stay here.
STANLEY. No. It's no good here.
LULU. Well, where else is there?
STANLEY. Nowhere.
LULU. Well, that's a charming proposal. (He gets up.) Do you have to wear those glasses?
STANLEY. Yes.
LULU. So you're not coming out for a walk?
STANLEY. I can't at the moment.
LULU. You're a bit of a washout, aren't you?
She exits, left. STANLEY stands. He then goes to the mirror and looks in it. He goes into the kitchen, takes off his glasses and begins to wash his face. A pause. Enter, by the back door, GOLDBERG and MCCANN. MCCANN carries two suitcases, GOLDBERG a briefcase. They halt inside the door, then walk downstage. STANLEY, wiping his face, glimpses their backs through the hatch. GOLDBERG and MCCANN look round the room. STANLEY slips on his glasses, sidles through the kitchen door and out of the back door.
MCCANN. Is this it?
GOLDBERG. This is it.
MCCANN. Are you sure?
GOLDBERG. Sure I'm sure.
Pause.
MCCANN. What now?
GOLDBERG. Don't worry yourself, McCann. Take a seat.
MCCANN. What about you?
GOLDBERG. What about me?
MCCANN. Are you going to take a seat?
GOLDBERG. We'll both take a seat, (MCCANN puts down the suitcase and sits at the table, left.) Sit back, McCann. Relax. What's the matter with you? I bring you down for a few days to the seaside. Take a holiday. Do yourself a favour. Learn to relax, McCann, or you'll never get anywhere.
MCCANN. Ah sure, I do try, Nat.
