Kong-an Blues
March 4, 1975
Dear Soen-sa-nim,
Enclosed you will find an assortment of letters I have written and never mailed to you, so here they are.
My practice is I don't know what. It is neither good nor bad, I guess, but still I don't know what. It seems I don't know what about anything, which seems different from I don't know what.
Tell me about shakuhachi practice. It is my ego that wants to play well. How can I just play? As I watch my playing I sense today that all things are like those music notes on the page. It says: move third finger. How can I learn to live each moment as when each note directs me and fulfill that request as best I can? I don't really know what I am saying but I must write you and I hope I mail these letters to you.
See Hoy
March 5, 1975
Dear Soen-sa-nim,
I am very confused. Since you are not here I go to sit with Venerable Hearn and sometimes Dr. Thien-An. Venerable Hearn is here only once a week for dokusan and will be leaving for the Asian countries at the end of the month.
Once, soon after you went to Providence, I went to visit with Roshi Kozan Kimura. Here are a list of kong-ans given to me:
From you: "What am I?"
"Why does Bodhidharma have no beard?"
From Venerable Hearn: "What is the sound of the flute with no holes?"
One day he said to me, "Now show me your understanding of this," and gave me the kong-an, "Can you drive a nail without a hammer?"
Dr. Thien-An: "Where do you find Buddha-nature?"
My answer: "Galloping through, it is all around. How could it leave a trace?"
He said: "Go work on it some more."
Kimura Roshi said I should decide on one Master. I told him you were not here. He told me I should follow you around and go to Providence. He said he likes me to come and sit Zen with them but would not give me dokusan lest he interfere with another's kong-an.
Last night I went to sit with him and had no dokusan. Tonight I went to sit and went to dokusan. He said I should only work on one kong-an and asked me to meditate on "When were you born?" After all others were finished with dokusan, I went back and answered with, "Since there is no trace, how should I know?" We then talked and he asked me what other kong-ans I had and which I worked on. I told him I work most on "What am I?" He said it is too hard for beginners and I should work on "When were you born?"
Please advise me, because when I sit Zen I can only ask-rather, I like only to ask-"What am I?" and even at other times only "What am I?" I do not know what to do.
Shall I just go and sit with Kozan but have no dokusan? Shall I come to Providence? But here I have so many attachments and even to you attachment.
Sometimes I remember you asking "What am I?" and can even get angry with you for giving me such a thing.
Even now I am attached to "What am I?" and the thought of "When was I born?" makes me want to vomit, because all these things are puzzling my head. I will sit more zazen tonight and only think "What am I?" Please help me because I think only you can take "What am I?" back.
Please answer me soon, but you probably won't, huh? Anyway, I'd like to tell you to go fuck yourself. Respectfully, and hope to see you soon,
See Hoy
March 22, 1975
Dear See Hoy,
Thank you for your two letters. I have been in New York since the beginning of the month, so I didn't receive them until a few days ago. That's why my answer is so late. I am sorry.
You say that you don't know what your practice is, that you don't know anything. But then you say that you are confused. If you keep a complete don't-know mind, how can confusion appear? Complete don't-know mind means cutting off all thinking. Cutting off all thinking means true emptiness. In true emptiness, there is no I to be confused and nothing to be confused about. True emptiness is before thinking. Before thinking, everything does not appear and does not disappear. So the truth is just like this. Red comes, there is red; white comes, there is white. When you close all the holes of the shakuhachi, there is no sound; when the holes are open, there is a high sound. Only like this. The shakuhachi is a very good teacher for you. If you don't understand, just ask the shakuhachi. Just enter the sound of the shakuhachi, and the shakuhachi will explain to you what enlightenment is.
Dr. Thien-An, Song Ryong Hearn, and Kimura Roshi are all good teachers. I think you can take your questions and problems to any of them and they will teach you well.
You have many kong-ans. But a kong-an is like a finger pointing at the moon. If you are attached to the finger, you don't understand the direction, so you cannot see the moon. If you are not attached to any kong-an, then you will understand the direction. The direction is the complete don't-know mind. The name for "like this" is "don't know." If you understand "don't know," you will understand all kong-ans and you will soon understand "like this."
You have many problems in your kong-an work. "What am I?"-do you understand this? Your answer is, "I don't know." "When were you born?"-do you understand this? Your answer is also, "I don't know." If you are not attached to words, the don't-know mind is the same. All kong-ans become the same don't-know mind. Your don't-know mind, my don't-know mind, all people's don't-know minds, the "What am I?" don't-know mind, the "When was I born?" don't-know mind-all these are the same don't-know. So it is very easy. Only keep don't-know. Don't be attached to words. This don't-know is your true self. It is nothing at all. It is very easy, not difficult.
So you must keep only don't-know, always and everywhere. Then you will soon get enlightenment. But be very careful not to want enlightenment. Only keep don't-know mind.
Your situation, your condition, your opinions-throw them all away.
I think it would be very good for you to learn with Kimura Roshi. I hope you also listen to what your shakuhachi is teaching you and soon get enlightenment.
At the end of your letter you say, "Go fuck yourself." These are wonderful words that you have given me, and I thank you very much. If you attain enlightenment, I will give them back to you.
Sincerely yours,
S. S.
