登陆注册
10466400000014

第14章

Vivian walked in the roof garden, on a date with Jordan Sasscock. "Three weeks and two days," he was saying. "It's not really very long."

"But it already feels like forever," she said. It hadn't been a very fun date, though Jordan was the hottest resident in the hospital. She had picked him because she had never seen him glum in all the weeks she'd worked with him, but it turned out to be all happy veneer, and as soon as you got him alone for any length of time he revealed himself to be an obsessive depressive. She had wanted not to think about things but they weren't ten minutes into dinner before he held up his water glass and said, "I can hardly even stand to drink it."

"Not even the length of a rotation," he said. "That's how I've come to measure time, in four-week blocks. Some are slow and some are quick. This one has been the slowest of all. But I keep thinking, like I did with the tough rotations in residency, that the way through it is the same. You just put your head down and go, and before you know it it's over."

"I can do anything for a month," Vivian said.

"Exactly!"

"But it's going to be more than a month," she said. They were wandering on the snaking gravel paths that cut through the grass and flowers. Except for them, the roof was empty.

"How do you know?"

"Just a feeling," she said. She took his hand and led him toward the edge of the roof, where she sat down with him. They looked over into the dark water, and she could hear it lapping at the windows of the fourth floor.

"Just when I'm sure I believe it," he said, "I can't believe it."

"I can believe it," she said. "I'm not having trouble with that anymore." She nearly told him then about her project, her long list of reasons that would add up to the one big reason. The water called the task to mind, because the two things were similarly huge. It would be like counting the water, drop by drop. With enough time it could be done. "Guess what I'm going to do," she said.

"What?"

"Synthesize a puppy," she said, because the list wasn't really a first-date revelation, after all.

"I tried it," he said. "All I got was meat and fur. She's got her limits." He dug in his back pocket and pulled out a coin. "I've been saving this," he said.

"Don't waste it on little old me," she said.

"It's the right moment," he said. "A nice warm night and a big moon and I can smell fresh cut grass. Who cuts the grass, anyway?"

"Robots," Vivian said, because she had seen them one night, purposeful rolling metal balls that hithered and thithered all over the roof.

"Make a wish," he said, and flipped the coin into the dark. They both listened intently for it but neither heard it splash. Let me figure it out, she thought, but at the same time, Send me a boyfriend.

"What'd you wish for?" she asked.

"What else? For it all to be a fucking nightmare."

"It already is."

"You know what I mean. How about you?"

"Same thing, of course."

"Maybe if we all wished at once," he said.

"Then we would all be disappointed."

"Probably," he said. He took her hand and rubbed little circles in it with his thumb. She took his hand and put it in her lap.

"Guess what?" she said.

"What?" It was too dark to see his face clearly, but he wasn't pulling his hand away. "Three weeks and two days is the longest I've gone without sex since I was twelve."

His whole arm stiffened and he pulled away. "I should check on some kids," he said.

"Yeah," she said. "Me too."

"Walk you down?"

"I think I'll sit a little bit longer. You're right, it's nice out here."

"See you downstairs," he said, and he squeezed her shoulder as he stood up, as if to console her for being a forward whore. All the forward whores of the world were not responsible, she had decided. It was not the sex that had done them all in. Not the good sex, anyway. "I was kidding, you know!" she called out after he'd walked off, not turning to look if he was still on the roof. If he was there he didn't reply. "Not really," she said, more quietly. I've got work to do, she thought, and no time to hold somebody in her bed, to press his bones against hers, or lay his face alongside her face. No time to hold someone as the hospital rocked and spun, and no time to wake up next to someone in the strange pale dawns. She had her pad and her pen in her pocket, so she took it out and wrote in the dark.

Three floors down Cindy Flemm was riding her IV pole in a big lazy circle around the general peds ward. It is one of the advantages of being four feet tall—when she probably would have been six if her guts worked right—that she could fit on her pole and go for a ride while her TPN was running in. It set a bad example for the brats, and even though the nurses and doctors yelled at her for doing it she kept on, riding and gliding serenely. They weren't her parents and they couldn't very well take away her IV pole and they were too cowardly to chain her in her room.

Around and around—waiting in her bed for Wayne she got too restless. She'd spent half of the last year in this hospital, and even with the changes in the architecture that came after the Thing, she still felt like she could steer through the halls with her eyes closed. How ordinary it seemed. This was just another night, Carla in charge at the nurses' station tossing a ball back and forth to Ella Thims in her little red wagon, and Susan and Candy and Andy charting and gossiping at the desks, and an intern in the little glassed-in office talking on the phone. Nobody was too sick—she could always tell by the set of the nurses' faces, and nothing special was happening. It was like any other of the thousand nights she'd spent in the hospital, until she scooted down to the big windows at the end of the hall, where you could see the moonlight on the water. As she glided through the ward she whispered, "Totally normal," and as she passed the windows, "Totally fucked up."

"You're going to make yourself sick with that twirling," Carla said as she passed.

"It makes me not sick," Cindy said. "And it's all I have, since you won't give me any benadryl."

"It's not due for two hours. You know it." Carla covered her eyes as Cindy went into a pirouette. "Now you're making me sick."

"Diphenhydramine," Cindy sang as she went, meaning that Carla should get some for herself. "Diphenhydrameeen!" She carried the note all down the hall. She could sing better than anybody she knew, and hardly ever found the occasion to put forward a whole song, but she liked to put single words or phrases to tunes and stretch them up and down like in opera. "In pain," she might sing to her intern, or "leave me alone," or "go fuck yourself." On her twenty-third pass down the hall she saw Wayne slip into her room and followed him in after one more pass at Carla. "Hey, no midnight vitals," she told her.

"Sounds fine, but I have to ask Chandra."

"Well, just be sure you ask him with style," Cindy said, throwing her hand out and flexing her wrist like a big fairy. Carla said it wasn't nice to make fun of people.

"No vitals!" she called down the hall just before she closed her door. "I'm fine!"

"Famous last words!" Carla called back.

"Now she's going to come down here," Wayne said. "You shouldn't have said anything."

"Baby, don't tell me how to work my nurse."

"Don't call me baby."

"Baby," she said. "Baby, baby." She sat down next to him on her bed, taking a little while to get her tubing arranged. He had already taken off his shirt. He raised himself on an elbow so she could get an arm under him, and then lay back down with his arms around her but she squeezed him harder. He was the best-fed CF kid she had ever seen. Usually they were blond and thin and pale and looked like they might cough blood on you as soon as smile at you. Wayne was tan, with dark brown hair and blue eyes, and big, with a high wide chest, and arms she could not wrap her two hands around. And he was very hairy for sixteen. He shaved twice a day and had soft hair all over his belly and his chest.

She closed her eyes and held on, imagining like she always did that they were out on the water and his fatness made him float, and that they weren't just on the water but suspended in grief, which was a phrase she had overheard from Carla when the nurses were shrinking each other one night at the station and didn't realize that her call radio was on. Their voices had woken her and she had listened to them talking about how much they missed whomever and how it was all too horrible to be real and she watched the water. Grief was yellow, she felt sure of that, and so she floated in a yellow sea holding tight to Wayne's doughy back while they floated and rolled. He was kissing her and then polishing her breasts with his big wet mouth and then for a little while she was doing the thing her sister had called playing her boyfriend's oboe. She would say "I petted his weasel" or "I played his oboe" because she couldn't say things like cock or blow job but Cindy had no problem with that, and indeed she had gone around in the afternoon quietly singing blow job, blow jooob, pronouncing it now like an Indian lady and now like a little Dutch girl, and she had looked forward all day to the end, the shock and the taste of which she thought was just like touching a nine-volt battery to your tongue. Her sister had said it was like Clamato but Cindy knew she was wrong and wanted to tell her.

"What?" Wayne said. "What? Why do you always have to ruin it by crying? It's no big deal. It's just us. It's just you and me being together." She kept her head down there and didn't say anything, and he pulled her up and kissed her. "Quiet," he said. "They're going to hear." So she pressed her face deep into his chest until she was a little calmer.

"Why us?" she said finally. "How come a bunch of fuck-up sickies? How come not normal people?"

"Shut up," he said. He put his hand over the back of her neck and for a moment she thought he would push her south again, but he just squeezed and petted her there. "Who else but us? We're fine. I mean look at you. Look at you." He waved a hand over her broviac line and her scarred-up belly. "You're perfect," he said.

同类推荐
  • New Life

    New Life

    'I read a book one day, and my whole life was changed'. So begins "e;The New Life"e;, Orhan Pamuk's fabulous road novel about a young student who yearns for the life promised by a dangerously magical book. He falls in love, abandons his studies, turns his back on home and family, and embarks on restless bus trips through the provinces, in pursuit of an elusive vision. This is a wondrous odyssey, laying bare the rage of an arid heartland. In coffee houses with black-and-white TV sets, on buses where passengers ride watching B-movies on flickering screens, in wrecks along the highway, in paranoid fictions with spies as punctual as watches, the magic of Pamuk's creation comes alive.
  • The Core of the Sun
  • The Book for Dangerous Women
  • War of the End of the World

    War of the End of the World

    The War of the End of the World is one of the great modern historical novels. Inspired by a real episode in Brazilian history, Mario Vargas Llosa tells the story of an apocalyptic movement, led by a mysterious prophet, in which prostitutes, beggars and bandits establish Canudos, a new republic, a libertarian paradise.
  • Man of the Outback

    Man of the Outback

    When beautiful Sally Baxter moves to Australia, she is eager for adventure, freedom, and to make a life of her own--far from the demands of her meddling family. Her friend, Julia, owns a ranch--and when she offers to take Sally in, it seems too good to be true. But Julia's ranch is in danger. Arrogant, domineering landowner Grant Forsythe wants to buy the land--and he'll stop at nothing to get Julia to sell. At first intimidated and enraged, Sally can't help but be drawn to the handsome, determined Grant--and he makes no secret of his attraction to her.But then Grant proposes to Sally. And she can't help but wonder--is he doing it for love, or for the ranch?
热门推荐
  • 火焰之书

    火焰之书

    巴什拉通过诗学的管道,企图恢复想象与感知的联姻,即想象先于感知而存在。他提出了梦想的形而上学:我梦想,故世界通过我的梦想而存在。而在他臆造的火阵里,世界的确在他举起的火焰里得到了溶化和再铸。火打开的纯净区域,火的极限,无论是在火苗的顶端,还是火的心脏地带,火的容颜流淌着水意的颤动。于是,火成为首鼠两端的守望,物质/精神,实在/虚在,火在转身成为精神的造像时,火没有忘记自己搁在烧造之外的身体。我想,一个没有尽力去懂《烛之火》的人,就容易与诗、形上之思失之交臂。
  • 夜王宠妃:废材逆天七小姐

    夜王宠妃:废材逆天七小姐

    (女强、男强、宠文、爽文、快更!)她,23世纪的最完美最冷酷最血腥的杀手生化人,却穿越恭王府最废材草包的七小姐身上。但怎知废材的她却逆天改命,恍然间却成了传说。他,蝶州云帝国的夜王殿下,冷酷无情霸道腹黑,天赋强大,霸者之身。当腹黑霸道的他遇到绝代芳华的她会擦出怎样的火花?看他与她如何冲破藩篱,上演强者与强者的碰撞,追逐与被追逐的欢喜冤家。
  • 风吹过的,夏天

    风吹过的,夏天

    林皓泽:”你再说一遍“叶小艇:”从今天起,不,是从现在起,我叶小艇跟你林皓泽再无半点关系“记得相识那年,她四岁,他十岁;十三年的朝夕相处,最终却是如此落幕;那年她离开,心里却再无他;心中那方城池满满的都是易浅两字!
  • 娱乐之奶爸崛起

    娱乐之奶爸崛起

    新书《娱乐之全能奶爸》李随风魂穿平行世界,带着无敌的外挂“千度云盘”,还有了一个女儿。在这娱乐缺乏的世界,一只带着萌娃的奶爸开始崛起。孩子妈?李随风:“我也不知道啊!但是好多妹子想当我家女儿的麻麻!”好急!怎么办!在线等方法!欢迎加入交流群:685872011
  • 环保大师

    环保大师

    林寒,一个年轻的护林员,偶然间获得了与地球意志沟通的能力。从此,他受雇于地球,作为地球意志的唯一代理人,为了全世界的环保大业而不懈奋斗。他可以提供最精确的天气预报、天灾预警;他可以解决最复杂的生态问题、物种入侵;他知道全世界成千上万的宝藏地点;他对全球的矿产分布了如指掌......我是林寒,我为地球代言。——————书友群:150872241
  • 南山祖师礼赞文

    南山祖师礼赞文

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 穿越女尊之最美丞相

    穿越女尊之最美丞相

    她是集美貌智慧于一身的国家一级密务,任务中不幸"牺牲"来到僧多粥少(男多女少)的女尊大陆。他是无人敢娶的丑男娘娘腔,最平凡不过的人生因遇见她而变得有色彩、有味道。欣然接受她的"调教",任由她"欺负"。祁元国没有哪个男子不羡慕他,只因他们最美的丞相“三千弱水,只取一瓢饮”。他是她的掌中宝,是她快乐的源泉,更是她贴心的小棉袄,无人可以取代!她是所有男子的梦中情人,更是他的信仰。(呃呃……说一下,文文写得太烂[作者本人也看不下去的那种????],所以要进行篇幅性修改,进度会很慢,章节标题改不了,只能在文章开头重设,大家多多支持哦~)
  • 凤归神妃

    凤归神妃

    那一世浮沉,迷了谁的眼,乱了谁的心。初见,她说,你有没有兴趣当我夫婿?谁知,一个月后,她转身走人。他只道,央央,这是你自己要闯进来的,那就永远别再离开。满地的鲜血落幕,她一袭红衣笑的张扬:“我不会被一个男人所束缚。”世人皆笑他痴,为一个女人而不要整片江山。为一个女人失了命,失了心。他说,江山可以再打拼,而她,只有一个。被血染红的剑,被血模糊了的容颜。那一夜,所有人只记得,她嘴角勾起的诡异笑容还有那令人恐惧心颤的呢喃。“他是我的,妨碍的人,都该死。”——‖女强‖1v1HE‖古言玄幻‖帝浮沉x离未央默默在背后为她任劳任怨收拾烂摊子的美殿下x嘴上说着不需要实际上傲娇到了极点的大小姐#你想要的,都给你#
  • 燕北乱世

    燕北乱世

    心悦你的人是我,但此刻我只想回头是岸。燕国太子宁琰和北钰国小公主姜疏挽爱恨情仇。他俩从相遇相知到相爱,却不能做到相守一生。我终究满心欢喜的来,失去所有的离开。---姜疏挽
  • 最强邪修在都市

    最强邪修在都市

    【火爆爽文】三年前,楚枫受尽凌辱,被仇杀灭门。消失三年,楚枫身负通天彻地之能归来。遇神杀神,遇佛杀佛,万道轮回,唯我独尊!