Keira awoke on Bryn's lumpy couch with a crick in her neck and freezing feet. The temperature in New York City was growing chilly, with fall in the air. But despite the lumpy couch and the shivers, Keira woke in the best mood ever.
Today, October 22nd, Keira was going back to work in her new, more senior and better paid role at Viatorum magazine. She was looking forward to seeing Nina, her friend and editor at the magazine, and was itching to get back to her passion of writing again. What her next assignment would be she did not yet know, but she was certain it wouldn't be quite as exhilarating as her last month in Ireland.
Elliot was bound to give her something a little more low-key this time and Keira was absolutely fine with that. She'd barely had time to readjust to life back in New York City, to catch up with her friends and mom. And besides, Shane was coming to visit in a week and that was something Keira was far more excited about than jet-setting.
Just then, her older sister, Bryn, rushed into the living room, her hair a mess, hopping with one shoe on, one shoe off.
"I'm late for work," Bryn stammered. "Why didn't you wake me?"
Keira checked the clock.
"Because it's seven. You don't have to leave for an hour." She laughed at her perpetually scatterbrained sister.
Bryn stopped and squinted at the clock, then did a double take. "Oh yeah." She kicked off her one shoe and came and sat next to Keira on the couch. "I really thought I'd be better at life by the time I hit thirty," she mused.
Keira smiled. "Never."
Growing up was not something either of the Swanson sisters were in a rush to do.
Bryn leaned over then and nudged Keira. "So…first day back at work after your break. How are you feeling?"
"I feel good," Keira said. "It's going to be different without Joshua there to ruin everyone's mood. Mainly I'm looking forward to seeing Nina again. And of course, I'm excited to find out what Elliot's planning for me to write next."
"Will it be another trip abroad?" Bryn asked.
"I doubt it," Keira replied. "Although I could certainly do with some sun!" She laughed and cast her gaze out the window at New York City's gray October clouds.
"And your own bed again," Bryn joked, patting the couch.
"About that…" Keira began. "You know I'm not planning on being here forever. It's just taking a little longer than I thought it would to find an apartment. And I kind of need the deposit back from the place with Zach before I can. You know how much he's been dragging his feet."
"It's fine," Bryn said, waving away Keira's explanation. "Stay as long as you need. Just don't judge me for the men I bring home." She gave Keira a withering look. "I've seen the way you look at me sometimes."
Keira laughed. "I just think if you could really see how beautiful you are you wouldn't waste so much time with ugly men."
Bryn rolled her eyes. "Enough of that. So, why don't you think you'll be going abroad again?"
"I don't know." Keira shrugged. "Because it wouldn't be fair to the other writers, for starters. It would look like favoritism."
"Don't forget you're in a senior position now," Bryn told her. "And favoritism is a very schoolyard word to use. It's business. If you're better than the others, you're better than the others. Learn to accept it."
Keira didn't share her sister's confidence. She squirmed uneasily. "Well anyway, even if it was abroad I wouldn't be able to go." She thought of Shane and smiled dreamily. "I have plans here."
"Ah yes," Bryn said, smirking. "The boyfriend. How long until he arrives?"
Keira's mind conjured up the image of Shane's gorgeous face-the stubble on his chiseled jaw, those amazing Irish blue eyes-and flitted through a myriad of wonderful memories from the month they'd spent falling in love.
"A week," she said through a dreamy exhalation, thinking of the sensation of his lips on hers, the touch of his fingers against her skin. "Which reminds me, I should call him."
It would be approaching midnight in Ireland where Shane lived, and so it would be her last chance to speak to him before he went to bed. Then she'd have to endure an eight-hour-long Shane absence while he was sleeping. No texts, no cheeky messages or funny quips. Those eight hours were almost unbearable for her at the moment, so strong was her craving for him.
"You call him every morning?" Bryn asked, surprised.
Keira picked up the hint of disdain in her sister's voice. She was a perpetual singleton and serial dater, which made her suspicious of anyone who claimed to have found love.
"Yup," Keira replied. "You're usually snoring so you don't notice."
"Well, I think that's unhealthy," Bryn began. "You're already too reliant on him."
Keira rolled her eyes as she stood. Bryn liked nothing more than to be a know-it-all, despite being a rather dismal role model. And if she only knew, Kyra thought, if she could only witness what she and Shane had together, she wouldn't be so sure of herself.
Keira took her phone into the bathroom, knowing it would be the only place where she could get any privacy in Bryn's pokey apartment, then dialed Shane's number. The usual thrill of excitement ran through her body as she waited, listening to the dial tone, in anticipation of hearing Shane's beautiful voice again. She couldn't wait to tell him about all the exciting things she had planned for his visit, all the sights of New York she was planning on showing him, from sampling food along Restaurant Row to river walks in Tribeca, the Tenement Museum, the gardens in Battery Park, the apple farm upstate and art galleries in Chelsea. Her itinerary was packed to the brim and she knew Shane would be just as excited to experience the city as she was to show it off.
Finally the call connected and Keira felt her heart soar. But rather than his usual chirpy voice, Shane sounded strained. And rather than answering the call with a silly over-the-top pet name like bunny or petal, he used her actual name.
"Keira, hey," he said, sounding weary, like he'd had the worst day imaginable.
Keira's elation immediately turned to anguish. In the background she could hear unfamiliar noises, lots of conversations, and ringing telephones.
"What's happened?" she asked, starting to feel panicked. "Where are you?"
"Hospital."
"Oh my God, why?" Keira's heart began to race with terror, her mind going into overdrive. "Are you hurt? Sick?"
"It's not me," Shane said. "I'm fine. It's my dad."
Keira brought a picture of Shane's father, Calum Lawder, to the forefront of her mind. He was one of the kindest, sweetest people she'd ever had the privilege of meeting. To think something had happened to him was awful.
"Is he okay? Tell me what's going on."
Shane sighed deeply. "He'll be fine now they've operated."
Keira felt her bones turn to ice. "Operated?" she cried.
"I've been in Accident and Emergency all day. He had a heart attack. They had to put a stent in. It's a miracle he's alive. If it hadn't have been for the fact there was a heart surgeon in the hospital this morning for a scheduled appointment he wouldn't have made it."
"Oh, Shane, I'm so sorry," Keira replied, feeling her chest clenching with anguish. She wished she could reach inside the phone and pluck Shane through it, smother him in care and affection. "How is your mom? Your sisters?"
"We're okay," Shane replied. "Still all in shock, to be honest. Especially Hannah."
Keira thought of Shane's youngest sister, the golden-haired sixteen-year-old she'd bonded with in particular. "Poor kid," she replied. Suddenly now didn't seem like the time to discuss Shane's upcoming visit. It didn't feel right to talk about all their exciting plans after the scare Shane had just experienced. "How is Calum now?"
"He's awake and joking around, but I can tell he's just trying to put on a brave face for the rest of us."
"I'm so sorry, babe," Keira said. "I wish I could be with you to support you, but I guess I'll just have to store up all my hugs for the next week until you arrive."
On the other end of the phone, Shane was silent. All Keira could hear were the ringing telephones of the busy hospital, bleeping machines, the faint sound of sirens, and the general hustle and bustle of medical staff completing their duties.
"It sounds chaotic there," she added when Shane still remained mute.
"Keira," he said, cutting off the end of her sentence.
Keira didn't like the sound of his tone. She got the distinct impression that Shane was about to break bad news.
"What…?" she asked, drawing the sound of the word out like it was a wince.
"I'm going to have to cancel the trip," Shane stated.
Keira could tell he was devastated just by the sound of his voice. Her own voice dropped into a pained whisper. "Really?"
"I'm sorry," Shane responded. "But I have to be here. For Mum and the girls. They're in pieces right now. I would feel like a jerk if I swanned off to New York City and left them all."
"But it's not for a week," Keira replied. "Won't things have calmed down by then? Calum will be back on his feet. And you won't be away for that long anyway. Only a week. It's not like you're staying for a month or anything crazy like that. They'll be fine without you for a few days. I mean, they cope without you once a year when you're doing your tour guide thing in Lisdoonvarna."
She could tell she was rambling now, and coming across as more than a little desperate. But she'd been so looking forward to seeing Shane again, to bringing him into her world like he'd had the chance to do for her in his. Waiting was so difficult, the absence so painful to endure. Not to mention all the money she'd put toward his flights, everything she'd splurged on-all those prebooked activities that didn't have cancellation policies. She could have used her bonus from Elliot toward her accommodations instead of staying on Bryn's couch ruining her back. Could she even afford to reschedule the trip? It wasn't like Shane had much money that he could contribute.
"My dad almost died, Keira," Shane told her bluntly. "It's not the same thing as me spending a month away from home once a year."
"I know," she said, meekly. "I don't mean to be selfish. It's just that I miss you so much."
"I miss you too," Shane replied, sighing deeply.
Keira's throat felt thick with unhappiness. But she didn't want to dwell, especially when it hadn't been her relative in the ER. She made the decision to brighten up.
"I suppose there's nothing to be done," she said, sounding calmer than she really felt. "Let's just sort out a date now so we don't leave the trip in limbo. I don't know how well I'll cope not being able to count down the days." She chuckled, trying to give the impression that she was way more okay than she really felt.
Once again, there was no reply from Shane. In the space where his voice should be, Keira could instead only hear the sound of a receptionist giving someone directions to the kidney dialysis ward.
"Shane?" she asked, timidly, when she'd had just about enough of the silence as she could stand.
Finally he spoke.
"I don't think I can book another date," Shane told her.
"Because of your dad? Shane, he'll be better before you know it. Back on his feet, back to running the farm. I promise you, by November everything will be back to normal. Or if you prefer we could aim for December. That gives him ages to get back to work."
"Keira," Shane interrupted.
She snapped her lips shut, stopping the stream of consciousness that she knew she was engaging in as an avoidance tactic, to delay what she feared was coming next, a way of pausing the terrible inevitability of what Shane was about to say.
"I can't come," he stated. "Ever."
Keira felt her hands begin to shake. Her phone felt suddenly clammy in her hand, like she didn't have a proper grip on it.
"Then I'll come to Ireland," she said, meekly. "I don't mind being the one to travel if you don't feel able to. I loved Ireland. I can come to you again."
"That's not what I mean."
Keira knew what he meant, but she didn't want to believe it. She wasn't about to let Shane give up at the first hurdle. Their love was greater than that, more important and special. She'd have to convince him otherwise, even if it meant sounding desperate or becoming, in Bryn's words, too reliant.
She listened to the sound of Shane take a deep, sad inhalation. "I'm needed on the farm, with my family. Ireland is my home. I can't move anywhere else."
"No one's talking about moving," Keira replied.
"But we will be, soon enough," Shane said. "If we want our relationship to work, at some point we're going to have to live in the same country. I can't move there. You won't move here."
"I could," Keira stammered. "I'm sure I could. At some point."
She thought of the beautiful country she'd fallen in love with. She could certainly live there if it was necessary to be with Shane.
"On a farm?"
"Sure!"
The cute farmhouse filled with love and family was a wonderful draw for Keira. Her own family was fragmented, with Bryn always busy, her mom living miles away, and her father completely absent from her life. What wasn't there to love about the instant family Shane could provide her with?
"With my family? My sisters? My parents?" Shane questioned her. "And all those sheep?"
Keira remembered the sheep dung she'd found herself knee deep in. She thought of Shane's six sisters, who were all lovely but all still living at home. It would be a squeeze. Hardly the life she'd expected for herself. But neither was sleeping on Bryn's couch. If she could put up with living with her own sister then she could definitely put up with living with all six of Shane's! And wasn't life supposed to be about overcoming the challenges it threw at you? Wasn't it about embracing the crazy?
"Shane," Keira replied, trying to sound soothing. "We don't need to work this stuff out right now. Life changes. Who knows, all your sisters might get married and move out. Your parents might decide to sell the farm and sail around the world on a yacht. You can't predict the future so let's just stop worrying about it."
"Please listen," Shane replied, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'm trying to end it now so that it doesn't become even more painful than it already is, later down the road."
The word end repeated in Keira's mind, like a hammer on steel. She winced, the painful lump in her throat growing even bigger and harder than it already was.
It dawned on her then for the first time that Shane's mind was made up. He wasn't backing down. Nothing she said would change his mind.
"Don't do this," Keira replied. Suddenly she was crying, sobbing loudly, uncontrollably, as it finally sunk in that Shane wasn't going to back down. That he really was breaking up with her. Her One. The love of her life.
"I'm sorry," he replied, crying too. "I have to. Please understand. If we didn't have this ocean between us I would want to be with you all the time. I may even want to marry you."
"Don't say that!" Keira wailed. "You're just making it worse."
Shane exhaled loudly. "I need you to know how much you mean to me, Keira. I don't want you to think that I just got cold feet or something. If we weren't at this impasse I wouldn't be doing it at all. It's not what I want. Not even slightly. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Keira replied, her tears falling bitterly from her eyes. She understood loud and clear. The man of her dreams, a man who loved her and made her laugh every single day, was giving up on her just because things were a little complicated. The man she'd fallen so deeply in love with during the most transformative month of her life was giving up at the first hurdle. He wasn't going to put the hard work into their relationship after all. The thoughts swirled bitterly in Keira's mind.
"So I guess this is goodbye?" she said, coolly.
Shane must have picked up on her sudden dejected tone. "Don't be like that," he said. "We can stay in touch. We can be friends. There's always social media. It's not like I'm cutting you out of my life entirely."
"Of course," Keira replied, heavyhearted, knowing that even with the best of intentions, once-loving relationships rarely if ever successfully turned into platonic friendships. It just didn't work that way. Once love was lost, it was gone, at least in Keira's experience.
"Are you mad at me?" Shane asked, his voice sounding small and fragile.
"No," Keira replied, realizing it to be true. Shane's reasons for ending it were noble. He was putting his family first. They were exactly the type of qualities she needed from a partner, so it would be a bit unfair of her to begrudge him it. "I think you should go and be with your family now," she added. "Give everyone a hug from me, will you?"
"Okay," Shane replied.
Keira wasn't sure, but she got the distinct impression from the way he said it that he knew she wasn't expecting to ever speak to him again. He sounded crushed.
There was a long moment of silence.
"Goodbye, Keira," Shane said finally.
Before she had a chance to reply, the call went dead. She removed her phone from her ear and stared at it in her hand. How could such a small chunk of metal and computer chips cause her to feel like the entire world had fallen away beneath her feet? How could one conversation turn her life upside down? She felt like every ounce of happiness she'd ever felt had been sucked through the phone's speakers and spat out into some black abyss, never to be seen again.
And worst of all, Keira couldn't even be angry. Shane hadn't been a jerk like every other boyfriend she'd broken up with had. There was no cheating, no lying, no screaming matches or deliberate below the belt punches. Perhaps that was why it hurt so much more. Perhaps it was because she'd let herself get carried away thinking Shane could be the One, that anyone could be the One.
Her tears still falling, Keira left the bathroom and threw her phone onto the couch. Bryn, who was standing at the breakfast bar brewing coffee, flinched with surprise.
"What's wrong?" Bryn asked. "Are you crying?"
Ignoring Bryn's questioning, Keira grabbed her fall itinerary off the side table-glancing briefly at the list of events she'd planned for her and Shane, places where they were supposed to make precious memories to tell the grandchildren-and ripped it clean in half.
