Mackenzie White had fallen into something of a routine. This did not sit particularly well with her because she was not the kind of woman who liked routine. If things stayed the same for too long, she felt they needed to be shaken up.
Only a few short days after finally bringing the long and miserable chapter of her father's murder to a close, she had come back to her apartment and realized that she and Ellington were now living together. She had no problem with this; she had been looking forward to it, actually. But there were nights during those first few weeks where she lost some sleep when she realized that her future now seemed stable. For the first time in a very long time, she had no real reason to chase hard after anything.
There had been her father's case, eating at her since she had first picked up a badge and a gun back in Nebraska. That was now solved. There had also been the uncertainty of where her relationship with Ellington was headed. They were now living together and almost sickeningly happy. She was excelling at work, gaining the respect of just about everyone within the FBI. Even McGrath seemed to have finally warmed up to her.
Things felt stationary. And for Mackenzie, she couldn't help but wonder: was this simply the calm before the storm? If her time as a detective in Nebraska and an agent with the FBI had taught her anything, it was that life had a way of snatching away any sort of comfort or security without much warning.
Still, the routine wasn't all bad. After Ellington had healed up from his wounds following the case that had brought her father's killer to justice, he was ordered to stay at home and rest. She tended to him as well as she could, discovering that she could be quite nurturing when she needed to be. After Ellington had fully recovered, her days were pretty standard. They were even enjoyable despite the horrid degree of domestication she felt.
She would go to work and stop by the firing range before returning home. When she got home, one of two things happened: either Ellington had already prepared dinner and they ate together like an old married couple, or they went directly to the bedroom, like a newly married couple.
All of this was going through her head as she and Ellington were settling down for bed. She was on her side of the bed, half-heartedly reading a book. Ellington was on his side of the bed, typing out an email about a case he had been working on. Seven weeks had passed since they'd closed the Nebraska case. Ellington had just started back to work and the routine of life was starting to become a stark reality for her.
"I'm going to ask you something," Mackenzie said. "And I want you to be honest."
"Okay," he said. He finished typing the sentence he was on and stopped, giving her his full attention.
"Did you ever see yourself in this kind of routine?" she asked.
"What routine?"
She shrugged, setting her book aside. "Being domesticated. Being tied down. Going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching some TV, maybe having sex, then going to bed."
"If that's a routine, it seems pretty awesome. Maybe don't put sometimes in front of the sex part, though. Why do you ask? Does the routine bother you?"
"It doesn't bother me," she said. "It's just…it feels weird. It makes me feel like I'm not doing my part. Like I'm being lazy or passive about…well, about something I can't really put my finger on."
"You think this stems from the fact that you've finally wrapped your dad's case?" he asked.
"Probably."
There was something else, too. But it wasn't something she could tell him. She knew it was pretty difficult to emotionally hurt him but she didn't want to take the chance. The thought she kept to herself was that now that they had moved in and were happy and handling it like pros, it really only left one more step for them to take. It was not a step they had discussed and, honestly, not a step Mackenzie wanted to discuss.
Marriage. She was hoping Ellington wasn't there yet, either. Not that she didn't love him. But after that step…well, what else was there?
"Let me ask you something," Ellington said. "Are you happy? Like right now, in this very moment, knowing that tomorrow could very well be an exact duplicate of today. Are you happy?"
The answer was simple but still made her uneasy. "Yes," she said.
"Then why question it?"
She nodded. He had a good point and it honestly made her wonder if she was overcomplicating things. She'd be thirty in a few weeks, so maybe this was what a normal life was like. Once all of the demons and ghosts of the past had been buried, maybe this was what life was supposed to be like.
And that was fine, she supposed. But something about it felt stagnant and made her wonder if she'd ever allow herself to be happy.
