PATIOMKIN [emerging, having arranged his shirt and put on his diamonded coat]. You have been badly brought up, little darling.
Would any lady or gentleman walk unannounced into a room without first looking through the keyhole? [Taking his sword from the table and putting it on.] The great thing in life is to be simple; and the perfectly simple thing is to look through keyholes. Another epigram: the fifth this morning! Where is my fool of a chancellor? Where is Popof?
EDSTASTON [choking with suppressed laughter]!!!!
PATIOMKIN [gratified]. Darling, you appreciate my epigram.
EDSTASTON. Excuse me. Pop off! Ha! ha! I can't help laughing:
What's his real name, by the way, in case I meet him?
VARINKA [surprised]. His real name? Popof, of course. Why do you laugh, Little Father?
EDSTASTON. How can anyone with a sense of humor help laughing?
Pop off! [He is convulsed.]
VARINKA [looking at her uncle, taps her forehead significantly]!!
PATIOMKIN [aside to Varinka]. No: only English. He will amuse Catherine. [To Edstaston.] Come, you shall tell the joke to the Empress: she is by way of being a humorist [he takes him by the arm, and leads him towards the door].
EDSTASTON [resisting]. No, really. I am not fit--PATIOMKIN. Persuade him, Little angel Mother.
VARINKA [taking his other arm]. Yes, yes, yes. Little English Father: God knows it is your duty to be brave and wait on the Empress. Come.
EDSTASTON. No. I had rather--
PATIOMKIN [hauling him along]. Come.
VARINKA [pulling him and coaxing him]. Come, little love: you can't refuse me.
EDSTASTON. But how can I?
PATIOMKIN. Why not? She won't eat you.
VARINKA. She will; but you must come.
EDSTASTON. I assure you--it is quite out of the question--my clothes--VARINKA. You look perfect.
PATIOMKIN. Come along, darling.
EDSTASTON [struggling]. Impossible--
VARINKA. Come, come, come.
EDSTASTON. No. Believe me--I don't wish--I--VARINKA. Carry him, uncle.
PATIOMKIN [lifting him in his arms like a father carrying a little boy]. Yes: I'll carry you.
EDSTASTON. Dash it all, this is ridiculous!
VARINKA [seizing his ankles and dancing as he is carried out].
You must come. If you kick you will blacken my eyes.
PATIOMKIN. Come, baby, come.
By this time they have made their way through the door and are out of hearing.
THE SECOND SCENE
The Empress's petit lever. The central doors are closed. Those who enter through them find on their left, on a dais of two broad steps, a magnificent curtained bed. Beyond it a door in the panelling leads to the Empress's cabinet. Near the foot of the bed, in the middle of the room, stands a gilt chair, with the Imperial arms carved and the Imperial monogram embroidered.
The Court is in attendance, standing in two melancholy rows down the side of the room opposite to the bed, solemn, bored, waiting for the Empress to awaken. The Princess Dashkoff, with two ladies, stands a little in front of the line of courtiers, by the Imperial chair. Silence, broken only by the yawns and whispers of the courtiers. Naryshkin, the Chamberlain, stands by the head of the bed.
A loud yawn is heard from behind the curtains.
NARYSHKIN [holding up a warning hand]. Ssh!
The courtiers hastily cease whispering: dress up their lines: and stiffen. Dead silence. A bell tinkles within the curtains.
Naryshkin and the Princess solemnly draw them and reveal the Empress.
Catherine turns over on her back, and stretches herself.
CATHERINE [yawning]. Heigho--ah--yah--ah--ow--what o'clock is it?
[Her accent is German.]
NARYSHKIN [formally]. Her Imperial Majesty is awake. [The Court falls on its knees.]
ALL. Good morning to your Majesty.
NARYSHKIN. Half-past ten, Little Mother.
CATHERINE [sitting up abruptly]. Potztausend! [Contemplating the kneeling courtiers.] Oh, get up, get up. [All rise.] Your etiquette bores me. I am hardly awake in the morning before it begins. [Yawning again, and relapsing sleepily against her pillows.] Why do they do it, Naryshkin?
NARYSHKIN. God knows it is not for your sake, Little Mother. But you see if you were not a great queen they would all be nobodies.
CATHERINE [sitting up]. They make me do it to keep up their own little dignities? So?
NARYSHKIN. Exactly. Also because if they didn't you might have them flogged, dear Little Mother.
CATHERINE [springing energetically out of bed and seating herself on the edge of it]. Flogged! I! A Liberal Empress! A philosopher!
You are a barbarian, Naryshkin. [She rises and turns to the courtiers.] And then, as if I cared! [She turns again to Naryshkin.] You should know by this time that I am frank and original in character, like an Englishman. [She walks about restlessly.] No: what maddens me about all this ceremony is that I am the only person in Russia who gets no fun out of my being Empress. You all glory in me: you bask in my smiles: you get titles and honors and favors from me: you are dazzled by my crown and my robes: you feel splendid when you have been admitted to my presence; and when I say a gracious word to you, you talk about it to everyone you meet for a week afterwards. But what do I get out of it? Nothing. [She throws herself into the chair. Naryshkin deprecates with a gesture; she hurls an emphatic repetition at him.] Nothing!! I wear a crown until my neck aches: I stand looking majestic until I am ready to drop: I have to smile at ugly old ambassadors and frown and turn my back on young and handsome ones. Nobody gives me anything. When I was only an Archduchess, the English ambassador used to give me money whenever I wanted it--or rather whenever he wanted to get anything out of my sacred predecessor Elizabeth [the Court bows to the ground]; but now that I am Empress he never gives me a kopek. When I have headaches and colics I envy the scullerymaids.
And you are not a bit grateful to me for all my care of you, my work, my thought, my fatigue, my sufferings.
