登陆注册
4771600000159

第159章

“No, Sonia, that’s not it,” he began again suddenly, raising his head, as though a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it were roused him—“that’s not it! Better … imagine—yes, it’s certainly better—imagine that I am vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and … well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity. (Let’s have it all out at once! They’ve talked of madness already, I noticed.) I told you just now I could not keep myself at the university. But do you know that perhaps I might have done? My mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I could have earned enough for clothes, boots and food, no doubt. Lessons had turned up at half a rouble. Razumihin works! But I turned sulky and wouldn’t. (Yes, sulkiness, that’s the right word for it!) I sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den, you’ve seen it. … And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul and the mind? Ah, how I hated that garret! And yet I wouldn’t go out of it! I wouldn’t on purpose! I didn’t go out for days together, and I wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t even eat, I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it, if she didn’t, I went all day without; I wouldn’t ask, on purpose, from sulkiness! At night I had no light, I lay in the dark and I wouldn’t earn money for candles. I ought to have studied, but I sold my books; and the dust lies an inch thick on the notebooks on my table. I preferred lying still and thinking. And I kept thinking. … And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that … No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid that if others are stupid—and I know they are—yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long. … Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia, … that’s so! … And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!”

Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, he no longer cared whether she understood or not. The fever had complete hold of him; he was in a sort of gloomy ecstasy (he certainly had been too long without talking to anyone). Sonia felt that his gloomy creed had become his faith and code.

“I divined then, Sonia,” he went on eagerly, “that power is only vouchsafed to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needful: one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one! I saw clear as daylight how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I … I wanted to have the daring … and I killed her. I only wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That was the whole cause of it!”

“Oh hush, hush,” cried Sonia, clasping her hands. “You turned away from God and God has smitten you, has given you over to the devil!”

“Then Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was it a temptation of the devil, eh?”

“Hush, don’t laugh, blasphemer! You don’t understand, you don’t understand! Oh God! He won’t understand!”

“Hush, Sonia! I am not laughing. I know myself that it was the devil leading me. Hush, Sonia, hush!” he repeated with gloomy insistence. “I know it all, I have thought it all over and over and whispered it all over to myself, lying there in the dark. … I’ve argued it all over with myself, every point of it, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I have kept wanting to forget it and make a new beginning, Sonia, and leave off thinking. And you don’t suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool? I went into it like a wise man, and that was just my destruction. And you mustn’t suppose that I didn’t know, for instance, that if I began to question myself whether I had the right to gain power—I certainly hadn’t the right—or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a louse it proved that it wasn’t so for me, though it might be for a man who would go straight to his goal without asking questions. … If I worried myself all those days, wondering whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I felt clearly of course that I wasn’t Napoleon. I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia, and I longed to throw it off: I wanted to murder without casuistry, to murder for my own sake, for myself alone! I didn’t want to lie about it even to myself. It wasn’t to help my mother I did the murder—that’s nonsense —I didn’t do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a benefactor of mankind. Nonsense! I simply did it; I did the murder for myself, for myself alone, and whether I became a benefactor to others, or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking the life out of men, I couldn’t have cared at that moment. … And it was not the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It was not so much the money I wanted, but something else. … I know it all now. … Understand me! Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again. I wanted to find out something else; it was something else led me on. I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right …”

“To kill? Have the right to kill?” Sonia clasped her hands.

同类推荐
热门推荐
  • 今世说

    今世说

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 快穿之软妹黑化中

    快穿之软妹黑化中

    ★女主软萌小病娇★人前软萌无害小天使,人后病娇嗜血小恶魔。一生都被困在实验室里的奈萌,杀光全实验室的人后绑定了一个攻略系统软妹纸。软妹纸:本以为绑定了一个软萌可欺的宿主,没想到招惹的是一个随时黑化还自带bug的恶魔QAQ“萌萌,你的灵魂,只属于我。”“你是本王的食物!”“过来,教你学习”“萌萌,阎王妃之位,只能是你。”万千宠爱于一身的奈萌:唔……都是可爱惹的祸。#持萌行凶,病娇男神,乖乖上钩#【病娇苏爽甜宠,女主不傻白甜,虐渣虐极品虐情敌】——★少女心++++,又苏又撩又甜又萌★——★——书评区置顶有Q裙号以及注意事项,一定去看哦——★
  • 愿你知我相思苦

    愿你知我相思苦

    李知最近总做梦,梦里只有一个问题,“陆相庭,你这一生做的最长久的事是什么?”“嗯,我从来没有停止过爱你。”
  • 妖妃嫁到:九爷,慢点宠

    妖妃嫁到:九爷,慢点宠

    新书《国师这只小妖精》~重生前,冷画屏对她的梅林公子就心心念念的,直至死去的那一刻也想要知道他是谁。重生后,冷画屏执念更甚。但是这一份执念让她护亲人、斗后娘、打庶姐,用尽全力避开上一世如蛇蝎的楚王。可偏偏楚王对她百般纠缠,直到有一天,有这么一个不苟言笑的男人,一本正经的对她说道:“花花,我喝了一大瓶的醋,你闻到没有?”“九重,我闻到的只有梅林的风雪。”
  • 总裁的溺爱专宠

    总裁的溺爱专宠

    阳光明媚,一年四季的春季来临了,春季适合谈恋爱更适合结婚。韩樱萌?她梦到了:那个宠爱自己的男人,在看到自己第N+1次的犯花痴之后,终于忍不住了,他们开始了冷战。刘御杰?怎么也没有想到,这次的犯花痴竟让他开始了人生的转折……
  • 大唐东京大敬爱寺一切经论目

    大唐东京大敬爱寺一切经论目

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 众志成城:2003年的中国

    众志成城:2003年的中国

    中共中央总书记习近平强调,历史是很好的教科书。本丛书分别选取在共和国历史上产生过重大转折或引起过社会加速发展的12个年份为切入点,以生动的文笔和翔实的资料记述这些年份发生的重要历史事件。本书以生动的文笔和翔实的资料较为详细介绍了中国发展进程中重要而非同寻常的2003年。在这一年,中国打赢了一场不见硝烟的抗击“非典”的人民战争,实现了“截断巫山云雨,高峡出平湖”治水兴邦的百年期盼,用自己的航天飞船将我国的航天员杨利伟送上了太空……从而创造了一个又一个人间奇迹,谱写了中华民族历史上的壮丽诗篇。
  • 九阳丹神

    九阳丹神

    三大至尊丹王之一,逍遥丹王,因修道界第一奇功《九阳帝王诀》被众人逼迫致死,两年后重生于一普通世家化名杨震,战强敌,炼神丹,吞天火,终以火神之名,俯瞰天地。
  • 董妃哀册

    董妃哀册

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 丫鬟翻身记

    丫鬟翻身记

    洞房花烛夜。“夫人久等了。”夫君大人戏谑的声音传来。呃……她该怎么回答?其实没有等多久?还是……你个杀千刀的怎么现在才来?但她知道,如果她敢叫他“杀千刀的”,她一定会被他杀千刀的!