登陆注册
5150900000010

第10章 ON BEING HARD UP(1)

It is a most remarkable thing.I sat down with the full intention of writing something clever and original; but for the life of me I can't think of anything clever and original--at least, not at this moment.The only thing I can think about now is being hard up.I suppose having my hands in my pockets has made me think about this.I always do sit with my hands in my pockets except when I am in the company of my sisters, my cousins, or my aunts; and they kick up such a shindy--I should say expostulate so eloquently upon the subject--that I have to give in and take them out--my hands I mean.The chorus to their objections is that it is not gentlemanly.I am hanged if I can see why.I could understand its not being considered gentlemanly to put your hands in other people's pockets (especially by the other people), but how, 0 ye sticklers for what looks this and what looks that, can putting his hands in his own pockets make a man less gentle? Perhaps you are right, though.Now I come to think of it, I have heardsome people grumble most savagely when doing it.But they were mostly old gentlemen.We young fellows, as a rule, are never quite at ease unless we have our hands in our pockets.We are awkward and shifty.We are like what a music-hall Lion Comique would be without his opera-hat, if such a thing can be imagined.But let us put our hands in our trousers pockets, and let there be some small change in the right-hand one and a bunch of keys in the left, and we will face a female post-office clerk.

It is a little difficult to know what to do with your bands, even in your pockets, when there is nothing else there.Years ago, when my whole capital would occasionally come down to "what in town the people call a bob," I would recklessly spend a penny of it, merely for the sake of having the change, all in coppers, to jingle.You don't feel nearly so hard up with eleven pence in your pocket as you do with a shilling.Had I been "La-di- da," that impecunious youth about whom we superior folk are so sarcastic, I would have changed my penny for two ha'pennies.

I can speak with authority on the subject of being hard up.I have been a provincial actor.If further evidence be required, which I do not think likely, I can add that I have been a "gentleman connected with the press." I have lived on 15 shilling a week.I have lived a week on 10, owing the other 5; and I have lived for a fortnight on a great-coat.

It is wonderful what an insight into domestic economy being really hard up gives one.If you want to find out the value of money, live on 15 shillings a week and see how much you can put by for clothes and recreation.You will find out that it is worth while to wait for the farthing change, that it is worth while to walk a mile to save a penny, that a glass of beer is a luxury to be indulged in only at rare intervals, and that a collar can be worn for four days.

Try it just before you get married.It will be excellent practice.Let your son and heir try it before sending him to college.He won't grumble at a hundred a year pocket-money then.There are some people to whom it would do a world of good.There is that delicate blossom who can't drink any claret under ninety-four, and who would as soon think of dining off cat's meat as off plain roast mutton.You do come across these poor wretches now and then, though, to the credit of humanity, they areprincipally confined to that fearful and wonderful society known only to lady novelists.I never hear of one of these creatures discussing a _menu_ card but I feel a mad desire to drag him off to the bar of some common east-end public-house and cram a sixpenny dinner down his throat-- beefsteak pudding, fourpence; potatoes, a penny; half a pint of porter, a penny.The recollection of it (and the mingled fragrance of beer, tobacco, and roast pork generally leaves a vivid impression) might induce him to turn up his nose a little less frequently in the future at everything that is put before him.Then there is that generous party, the cadger's delight, who is so free with his small change, but who never thinks of paying his debts.It might teach even him a little common sense."I always give the waiter a shilling.One can't give the fellow less, you know," explained a young government clerk with whom I was lunching the other day in Regent Street.I agreed with him as to the utter impossibility of making it elevenpence ha'penny; but at the same time I resolved to one day decoy him to an eating-house I remembered near Covent Garden, where the waiter, for the better discharge of his duties, goes about in his shirt- sleeves--and very dirty sleeves they are, too, when it gets near the end of the month.I know that waiter.If my friend gives him anything beyond a penny, the man will insist on shaking hands with him then and there as a mark of his esteem; of that I feel sure.

There have been a good many funny things said and written about hardupishness, but the reality is not funny, for all that.It is not funny to have to haggle over pennies.It isn't funny to be thought mean and stingy.It isn't funny to be shabby and to be ashamed of your address.No, there is nothing at all funny in poverty--to the poor.It is hell upon earth to a sensitive man; and many a brave gentleman who would have faced the labors of Hercules has had his heart broken by its petty miseries.

It is not the actual discomforts themselves that are hard to bear.Who would mind roughing it a bit if that were all it meant? What cared Robinson Crusoe for a patch on his trousers? Did he wear trousers? I forget; or did he go about as he does in the pantomimes? What did it matter to him if his toes did stick out of his boots? and what if his umbrella was a cotton one, so long as it kept the rain off? His shabbinessdid not trouble him; there was none of his friends round about to sneer him.

同类推荐
热门推荐
  • 西游伏魔天师

    西游伏魔天师

    经过数百年的战乱,唐太宗平定东土建立大唐。此时大唐立足未稳国力衰弱,外有突厥吐蕃虎视眈眈,内有群盗肆虐鬼怪横行。大唐皇帝一边请高僧玄奘前往西天取济世真经,一边发放招贤令招募天下能人异士共治乱世。天赋异禀的少年万胜从小就能看见常人无法看见的鬼怪,他博学众门派之长,伏魔除恶安邦,扬大唐国威于三界,为天下苍生万民造福。纯爱版简介:这是一个纯情少年随身带着美女师父,收复美艳狐狸精,调教刁蛮大唐公主,俘获天界仙女芳心的纯爱故事。修仙版简介:梦中修仙,天才悟道胜过凡人百年修行。热血版简介:那突厥蛮子,你有种……下马过来!深刻版简介:取经并不能救大唐!
  • 象棋入门与实战

    象棋入门与实战

    象棋是中国的国粹,有着悠久的历史,但象棋又不仅仅是中国所有,它是全人类共同的文化遗产。如今,象棋已经冲出国门,走向世界,不只是在华人居住的国度和地区才有,洋人也开始迷上了中国象棋。象棋作为开发智力、健康有益的活动,深得广大青少年儿童喜爱,他们已成长为繁荣棋坛的一支浩浩荡荡的生力军。放眼神州大地,不少大中城市已纷纷开设棋校,有的地方还将棋类列入中小学的教学计划和课程之中,呈现出一种生机勃发的喜人景象。
  • 帝王律

    帝王律

    什么功勋卓著,护国忠良,在他们看来,永远都是功高盖主,威胁皇位之徒。飞鸟尽,良弓藏;狡兔死,走狗烹,我不甘做白白去死的走狗,我要成为这浩瀚历史的规则掌控者......
  • 殿下独占小狐妃

    殿下独占小狐妃

    总之,这是一只雪狐一心成人,却被某殿下坑蒙拐骗的故事。一朝穿越,她由人变成了一只通体雪白的雪狐,梁慕熙觉得没有谁比她更悲催了。努力修炼成人,可是却欠了某人一个大恩情,于是乎,开始了悲催的宠物生涯。“真没想到,原来雪狐的传言是真的,你说,如果世人知道你可以治愈任何的伤口,也不知道你出了这道门会怎样呢?”报了恩想要离开的梁慕熙,就那么生生的止住了自己的脚步,心里不断腹诽,最终还是乖乖的回到了男人的身边,全身缩成一团雪白,将自己全部给埋了,不理会男人。“这才对嘛,乖乖的呆在我的身边,这样才有保障!”修长的手指抚摸着眼前这只闹脾气的雪狐,男子的脸上,满是温柔。于是乎,某雪狐开始了它报复性的闯祸生涯!“王爷,不好了,你在后院种的梅花全部被肉团子毁了!”“哦,是吗?”男子非但没有生气,反而无奈的笑了笑,“没事,它喜欢,多种一些就是!”“王爷,不好了,肉团子弄脏了丽妃新制作的霓裳羽衣,这会儿正在咸福宫受罚!”“谁敢伤害我的东西!”风吹过,那道身影早已消失无踪。“王爷王爷,肉团子打碎了祭祀的神像,性命不保啊!”“谁说的?”他的东西,谁可以决定生死!“但是……”那可是皇上啊!“来人,进宫!”反正每一次闯祸都有人擦屁股,某雪狐几乎可以横着走都不看路了。然而,在某天,某个夜晚,某个房间……“你说,你看光了本王的身子,可怎么办呢?”终于,某雪狐终于知道,什么叫做得意忘形,自投罗网了!
  • The Black Dwarf

    The Black Dwarf

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 我的女孩

    我的女孩

    第一次,她设计他,她却跑了!第二次,她引诱他,他没让她跑,结果却掉进了她的圈套!第三次,他主动出击,却惹来了艳照!第四次……这就是姚家小末女,书香世家,传闻中的大家闺秀——再一、再二、再三、再四!真以为他富可敌国的乔家二少是吃素的?说好的大家闺秀呢?那女人就是只狐狸,不仅是狐狸,还是狐狸精!意想不到的是——他竟然迷恋上了她的味道,该死!他不介意收她的心!
  • 特案A组

    特案A组

    黑暗、血腥、金钱交织着的罪恶结出一朵朵恶之花,扭曲的心灵将他们推向了罪恶的深渊。这是一个不为人知的黑暗世界,掀开尘封的档案,一桩桩血淋淋案子触目惊心。A组扬起了手中的正义之剑,就此拉开了与险恶较量的序幕……
  • 草木奇葩(走进科学)

    草木奇葩(走进科学)

    在自然界中生长着各种奇花异草,它们都有着自己的奇异功能,等待着科学家们揭秘枝叶与光合作用与之融合后所产生的奥秘。
  • 综合格斗之王

    综合格斗之王

    热血激荡,笑傲赛场!从拳、腿、肘、膝到抱摔、缠拿,从站立式搏击到无限制格斗,拳台上永远不会缺乏铮铮铁骨,也永远不会缺乏光芒四射的搏杀场面!这是一个桀骜拳手的悲欢故事……笔者已有作品《重生之拳台杀手》完本,敬请诸位书友放心收藏推荐。
  • 尘寰拾韵

    尘寰拾韵

    此诗集为郭兆光先生耗十多年春秋苦吟所得,废寝忘食推敲而成,得之殊艰,获之颇难。此集咏题多,内容富,笔涉广,咏域阔,篇幅长,以年月为序结集。