When it was daylight and carriages were already beginning to rumble in the street, Vassilyev was lying motionless on the sofa, staring into space.He was no longer thinking of the women, nor of the men, nor of missionary work.His whole attention was turned upon the spiritual agony which was torturing him.It was a dull, vague, undefined anguish akin to misery, to an extreme form of terror and to despair.He could point to the place where the pain was, in his breast under his heart; but he could not compare it with anything.In the past he had had acute toothache, he had had pleurisy and neuralgia, but all that was insignificant compared with this spiritual anguish.In the presence of that pain life seemed loathsome.The dissertation, the excellent work he had written already, the people he loved, the salvation of fallen women -- everything that only the day before he had cared about or been indifferent to, now when he thought of them irritated him in the same way as the noise of the carriages, the scurrying footsteps of the waiters in the passage, the daylight....If at that moment someone had performed a great deed of mercy or had committed a revolting outrage, he would have felt the same repulsion for both actions.
Of all the thoughts that strayed through his mind only two did not irritate him: one was that at every moment he had the power to kill himself, the other that this agony would not last more than three days.This last he knew by experience.
After lying for a while he got up and, wringing his hands, walked about the room, not as usual from corner to corner, but round the room beside the walls.As he passed he glanced at himself in the looking-glass.His face looked pale and sunken, his temples looked hollow, his eyes were bigger, darker, more staring, as though they belonged to someone else, and they had an expression of insufferable mental agony.
At midday the artist knocked at the door.
"Grigory, are you at home?" he asked.
Getting no answer, he stood for a minute, pondered, and answered himself in Little Russian: "Nay.The confounded fellow has gone to the University."And he went away.Vassilyev lay down on the bed and, thrusting his head under the pillow, began crying with agony, and the more freely his tears flowed the more terrible his mental anguish became.As it began to get dark, he thought of the agonizing night awaiting him, and was overcome by a horrible despair.He dressed quickly, ran out of his room, and, leaving his door wide open, for no object or reason, went out into the street.Without asking himself where he should go, he walked quickly along Sadovoy Street.
Snow was falling as heavily as the day before; it was thawing.
Thrusting his hands into his sleeves, shuddering and frightened at the noises, at the trambells, and at the passers-by, Vassilyev walked along Sadovoy Street as far as Suharev Tower; then to the Red Gate; from there he turned off to Basmannya Street.He went into a tavern and drank off a big glass of vodka, but that did not make him feel better.When he reached Razgulya he turned to the right, and strode along side streets in which he had never been before in his life.He reached the old bridge by which the Yauza runs gurgling, and from which one can see long rows of lights in the windows of the Red Barracks.To distract his spiritual anguish by some new sensation or some other pain, Vassilyev, not knowing what to do, crying and shuddering, undid his greatcoat and jacket and exposed his bare chest to the wet snow and the wind.But that did not lessen his suffering either.
Then he bent down over the rail of the bridge and looked down into the black, yeasty Yauza, and he longed to plunge down head foremost; not from loathing for life, not for the sake of suicide, but in order to bruise himself at least, and by one pain to ease the other.But the black water, the darkness, the deserted banks covered with snow were terrifying.He shivered and walked on.He walked up and down by the Red Barracks, then turned back and went down to a copse, from the copse back to the bridge again "No, home, home!" he thought."At home I believe it's better..."And he went back.When he reached home he pulled off his wet coat and cap, began pacing round the room, and went on pacing round and round without stopping till morning.
VII
When next morning the artist and the medical student went in to him, he was moving about the room with his shirt torn, biting his hands and moaning with pain.
"For God's sake!" he sobbed when he saw his friends, "take me where you please, do what you can; but for God's sake, save me quickly! I shall kill myself!"The artist turned pale and was helpless.The medical student, too, almost shed tears, but considering that doctors ought to be cool and composed in every emergency said coldly:
