Maggie, all this while, was too entirely filled with a more agonising anxiety, to spend any thought on the view that was being taken of her conduct by the world of St Ogg's: anxiety about Stephen - Lucy - Philip - beat on her poor heart in a hard, driving, ceaseless storm of mingled love, remorse, and pity.If she had thought of rejection and injustice at all, it would have seemed to her that they had done their worst - that she could hardly feel any stroke from them intolerable since the words she had heard from her brother's lips.Across all her anxiety for the loved and the injured, those words shot again and again, like a horrible pang that would have brought misery and dread even into a heaven of delights.The idea of ever recovering happiness never glimmered in her mind for a moment; it seemed as if every sensitive fibre in her were too entirely preoccupied by pain ever to vibrate again to another influence.Life stretched before her as one act of penitence, and all she craved as she dwelt on her future lot, was something to guarantee her from more falling: her own weakness haunted her like a vision of hideous possibilities that made no peace conceivable except such as lay in the sense of a sure refuge.
But she was not without practical intentions: the love of independence was too strong an inheritance and a habit for her not to remember that she must get her bread and when other projects looked vague, she fell back on that of returning to her plain sewing, and so getting enough to pay for her lodging at Bob's.She meant to persuade her mother to return to the Mill by and by, and live with Tom again; and somehow or other she would maintain herself at St Ogg's.Dr Kenn would perhaps help her and advise her: she remembered his parting words at the bazaar, she remembered the momentary feeling of reliance that had sprung in her when he was talking with her, and she waited with yearning expectation for the opportunity of confiding everything to him.Her mother called every day at Mr Deane's to learn how Lucy was: the report was always sad - nothing had yet roused her from the feeble passivity which had come on with the first shock.But of Philip, Mrs Tulliver had learned nothing: naturally, no one whom she met would speak to her about what related to her daughter.But at last, she summoned courage to go and see sister Glegg, who of course would know everything, and had even been to see Tom at the Mill in Mrs Tulliver's absence, though he had said nothing of what had passed on the occasion.
As soon as her mother was gone, Maggie put on her bonnet.She had resolved on walking to the Rectory and asking to see Dr Kenn: he was in deep grief - but the grief of another does not jar upon us in such circumstances.
It was the first time she had been beyond the door since her return; nevertheless her mind was so bent on the purpose of her walk, that the unpleasantness of meeting people on the way and being stared at, did not occur to her.
But she had no sooner passed beyond the narrower streets which she had to thread from Bob's dwelling, than she became aware of unusual glances cast at her; and this consciousness made her hurry along nervously, afraid to look to right or left.Presently, however, she came full on Mrs and Miss Turnbull, old acquaintances of her family; they both looked at her strangely and turned a little aside without speaking.All hard looks were pain to Maggie, but her self-reproach was too strong for resentment: no wonder they will not speak to me, she thought - they are very fond of Lucy.
But now she knew that she was about to pass a group of gentlemen, who were standing at the door of the billiard-rooms, and she could not help seeing young Torry step out a little with his glass at his eye, and bow to her with that air of nonchalance which he might have bestowed on a friendly bar-maid.Maggie's pride was too intense for her not to feel that sting even in the midst of her sorrow; and for the first time the thought took strong hold of her that she would have other obloquy cast on her besides that which was felt to be due to her breach of faith towards Lucy.But she was at the Rectory now; there, perhaps, she would find something else than retribution.Retribution may come from any voice - the hardest, cruelest, most imbruted urchin at the street-corner can inflict it: surely help and pity are rarer things - more needful for the righteous to bestow.
She was shown up at once, after being announced, into Dr Kenn's study, where he sat amongst piled-up books, for which he had little appetite, leaning his cheek against the head of his youngest child, a girl of three.
The child was sent away with the servant and when the door was closed, Dr Kenn said, placing a chair for Maggie, `I was coming to see you, Miss Tulliver - you have anticipated me -I am glad you did.'
Maggie looked at him with her childlike directness as she had done at the bazaar, and said, `I want to tell you everything.' But her eyes filled fast with tears as she said it, and all the pent-up excitement of her humiliating walk would have its vent before she could say more.
`Do tell me everything,' Dr Kenn said, with quiet kindness in his grave firm voice.`Think of me as one to whom a long experience has been granted, which may enable him to help you.'
In rather broken sentences - with some effort, at first, but soon with the greater ease that came from a sense of relief in the confidence, Maggie told the brief story of a struggle that must be the beginning of a long sorrow.Only the day before, Dr Kenn had been made acquainted with the contents of Stephen's letter, and he had believed them at once, without the confirmation of Maggie's statement.That involuntary plaint of hers ` O I must go ,' had remained with him as the sign that she was undergoing some inward conflict.
