Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready.
It was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine.First of all, it was necessary to awaken the girl, who had fallen asleep with her face on the kitchen table; this took a little time, and, even when she did answer the bell, another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a faint and distant glimmering of reason.The man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent, had not been told to open them; it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife or a two-pronged fork; and very little was done in this way.Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham (which was also from the German-sausage shop round the corner) was in a similar predicament.However, there was plenty of porter in a tin can; and the cheese went a great way, for it was very strong.So upon the whole, perhaps, the supper was quite as good as such matters usually are.
After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table, together with a paper of cigars, and a couple of bottles of spirits.Then, there was an awful pause; and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of place, but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding.
The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses.The establishment boasted four; we do not record the circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs.Raddle, for there never was a lodging-house yet, that was not short of glasses.
The landlady's glasses were little thin blown glass tumblers, and those which had been borrowed from the public-house were great, dropsical, bloated articles, each supported on a huge gouty leg.This would have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of affairs;but the young woman of all work had prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any gentleman upon the subject, by forcibly dragging every man's glass away, long before he had finished his beer, and audibly stating, despite the winks and interruptions of Mr.Bob Sawyer, that it was to be conveyed down-stairs, and washed forthwith.
It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good.The prim man in the cloth boots, who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted, saw his opportunity, and availed himself of it.The instant the glasses disappeared, he commenced a long story about a great public character, whose name he had forgotten, making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual whom he had never been able to identify.He enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon divers collateral circumstances, distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for the life of him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling the story with great applause for the last ten years.
"Dear me," said the prim man in the cloth boots, "it is a very extraordinary circumstance.""I am sorry you have forgotten it," said Mr.Bob Sawyer, glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard the noise of glasses jingling; "very sorry.""So am I," responded the prim man, "because I know it would have afforded so much amusement.Never mind; I daresay I shall manage to recollect it, in the course of half-an-hour or so."The prim man arrived at this point, just as the glasses came back, when Mr.Bob Sawyer, who had been absorbed in attention during the whole time, said he should very much like to hear the end of it, for, so far as it went, it was, without exception, the very best story he had ever heard.
The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady.His face brightened up, and he began to feel quite convivial.
"Now, Betsy," said Mr.Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and dispersing, at the same time, the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected in the centre of the table: "now, Betsy, the warm water; be brisk, there's a good girl.""You can't have no warm water," replied Betsy.
"No warm water!" exclaimed Mr.Bob Sawyer.
"No," said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a more decided negative than the most copious language could have conveyed."Missis Raddle said you warn't to have none."The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage to the host.
"Bring up the warm water instantly--instantly!" said Mr.Bob Sawyer, with desperate sternness.
"No.I can't," replied the girl; "Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the kittle.""Oh, never mind; never mind.Pray don't disturb yourself about such a trifle," said Mr.Pickwick, observing the conflict of Bob Sawyer's passions, as depicted in his countenance, "cold water will do very well.""Oh, admirably," said Mr.Benjamin Allen.
"My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement,"remarked Bob Sawyer with a ghastly smile; "And I fear I must give her warning.""No, don't," said Ben Allen.
"I fear I must," said Bob with heroic firmness."I'll pay her what Iowe her, and give her warning to-morrow morning." Poor fellow! how devoutly he wished he could!
Mr.Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this last blow, communicated a dispiriting influence to the company, the greater part of whom, with the view of raising their spirits, attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy and water, the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt.The belligerents vented their feelings of mutual contempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understanding on the matter; when the following clear understanding took place.
