He tries to be kind to me....I didn't know.I felt adventurous before....It makes me feel like all the women in the world who have ever been owned and subdued....It's not that he isn't the best of men, it's because I'm a part of you....I can't go through with it.If I go through with it, I shall be left--robbed of pride--outraged--a woman beaten....""I know," I said, "I know."
"I want to live alone....I don't care for anything now but just escape.If you can help me....""I must take you away.There's nothing for us but to go away together.""But your work," she said; "your career! Margaret! Our promises!""We've made a mess of things, Isabel--or things have made a mess of us.I don't know which.Our flags are in the mud, anyhow.It's too late to save those other things! They have to go.You can't make terms with defeat.I thought it was Margaret needed me most.
But it's you.And I need you.I didn't think of that either.Ihaven't a doubt left in the world now.We've got to leave everything rather than leave each other.I'm sure of it.Now we have gone so far.We've got to go right down to earth and begin again....Dear, I WANT disgrace with you...."So I whispered to her as she sat crumpled together on the faded cushions of the boat, this white and weary young woman who had been so valiant and careless a girl."I don't care," I said."I don't care for anything, if I can save you out of the wreckage we have made together."4
The next day I went to the office of the BLUE WEEKLY in order to get as much as possible of its affairs in working order before I left London with Isabel.I just missed Shoesmith in the lower office.
Upstairs I found Britten amidst a pile of outside articles, methodically reading the title of each and sometimes the first half-dozen lines, and either dropping them in a growing heap on the floor for a clerk to return, or putting them aside for consideration.Iinterrupted him, squatted on the window-sill of the open window, and sketched out my ideas for the session.
"You're far-sighted," he remarked at something of mine which reached out ahead.
"I like to see things prepared," I answered.
"Yes," he said, and ripped open the envelope of a fresh aspirant.
I was silent while he read.
"You're going away with Isabel Rivers," he said abruptly.
"Well!" I said, amazed.
"I know," he said, and lost his breath."Not my business.Only--"It was queer to find Britten afraid to say a thing.
"It's not playing the game," he said.
"What do you know?"
"Everything that matters."
"Some games," I said, "are too hard to play."There came a pause between us.
"I didn't know you were watching all this," I said.
"Yes," he answered, after a pause, "I've watched.""Sorry--sorry you don't approve."
"It means smashing such an infernal lot of things, Remington."I did not answer.
"You're going away then?"
"Yes."
"Soon?"
"Right away."
"There's vour wife."
"I know."
"Shoesmith--whom you're pledged to in a manner.You've just picked him out and made him conspicuous.Every one will know.Oh! of course--it's nothing to you.Honour--""I know."
"Common decency."
I nodded.
"All this movement of ours.That's what I care for most....
It's come to be a big thing, Remington."
"That will go on."
"We have a use for you--no one else quite fills it.No one....
I'm not sure it will go on."
"Do you think I haven't thought of all these things?"He shrugged his shoulders, and rejected two papers unread.
"I knew," he remarked, "when you came back from America.You were alight with it." Then he let his bitterness gleam for a moment.
"But I thought you would stick to your bargain.""It's not so much choice as you think," I said.
"There's always a choice."
"No," I said.
He scrutinised my face.
"I can't live without her--I can't work.She's all mixed up with this--and everything.And besides, there's things you can't understand.There's feelings you've never felt....You don't understand how much we've been to one another."Britten frowned and thought.
"Some things one's GOT to do," he threw out.
"Some things one can't do."
"These infernal institutions--"
"Some one must begin," I said.
He shook his head."Not YOU," he said."No!"He stretched out his hands on the desk before him, and spoke again.
"Remington," he said, "I've thought of this business day and night too.It matters to me.It matters immensely to me.In a way--it's a thing one doesn't often say to a man--I've loved you.I'm the sort of man who leads a narrow life....But you've been something fine and good for me, since that time, do you remember?
when we talked about Mecca together."
I nodded.
"Yes.And you'll always be something fine and good for me anyhow.
I know things about you,--qualities--no mere act can destroy them..
..Well, I can tell you, you're doing wrong.You're going on now like a man who is hypnotised and can't turn round.You're piling wrong on wrong.It was wrong for you two people ever to be lovers."He paused.
"It gripped us hard," I said.
"Yes!--but in your position! And hers! It was vile!""You've not been tempted."
"How do you know? Anyhow--having done that, you ought to have stood the consequences and thought of other people.You could have ended it at the first pause for reflection.You didn't.You blundered again.You kept on.You owed a certain secrecy to all of us! You didn't keep it.You were careless.You made things worse.This engagement and this publicity!--Damn it, Remington!""I know," I said, with smarting eyes."Damn it ! with all my heart!
It came of trying to patch....You CAN'T patch.""And now, as I care for anything under heaven, Remington, you two ought to stand these last consequences--and part.You ought to part.Other people have to stand things! Other people have to part.You ought to.You say--what do you say? It's loss of so much life to lose each other.So is losing a hand or a leg.But it's what you've incurred.Amputate.Take your punishment--After all, you chose it.""Oh, damn!" I said, standing up and going to the window.
