登陆注册
5191900000110

第110章

"I prythy desist," said the gentleman; "stand aside, and see the effeck of kindness.I understand the idiosyncracies of these creeturs better than you do."With that he went up to the cage, and thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he said, soothinly, "Come hither, pretty creetur."The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion with.

He said, "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin dangerous and immoral animals."I replied, "Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em.You mustn't meddle with their idiotsyncracies."The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure.

As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interesting things, but they're onreliable.I had a very large grizzly bear once, who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry.But he often annoyed me.It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city, maintaining a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would have done credit to the celebrated French steed "Gladiateur."Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat;and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition in Ohio--I said, "Brewin, are you not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat?" His business was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a barrel organ and a wiolin) playin slow and melancholly moosic.What did the grizzly old cuss do, however, but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous manner? I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for disloyalty.

I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid Bear.I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur--showing the Bear's fondness for his Master: in which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on my breast, the Band playing "Home, Sweet Home," very soft and slow.Altho'

I say it, it was a tuchin thing to see.I've seen Tax-Collectors weep over that performance.

Well, one day I said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will show you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid down.Itho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes, as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the scene which follered.He laid down, and put his paw on my breast.

"Affection of the Bear for his Master," I repeated."You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated state.Fierce as these animals naturally are, we now see that they have hearts and can love.This Bear, the largest in the world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me as a mer-ther loves her che-ild!" But what was my horror when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw UNDER me, and riz with me to his feet.

Then claspin me in a close embrace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful manner, I yellin with fear and anguish.

To make matters wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out:

"Playfulness of the Bear! Quick moosic!"I jest 'scaped with my life.The Bear met with a wiolent death the next day, by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off by one of my men.

But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social Science Meetins.It would have had a movin effeck on them.

I feel that I must now conclood.

I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we shall now hear from John Derby.I trust that not only they, but Wm.E.

Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to those great fundamental principles, which they understand far better than Ido, and I will add that I do not understand anything about any of them whatever in the least--and let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrer money to do it with.

Very respectfully yours, Artemus Ward.

5.8.A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.

MR.PUNCH, My dear Sir,--You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a dreffle shock.I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me.I was walkin in Regent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady.I acted promptly.I called a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale.I had orful cramps, and my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero.But by careful nussin I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather continners.

[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]

It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent British Mooseum till the other day.I've sent a great many peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however.It happened thusly: When one of my excellent countrymen jest arrived in London would come and see me, and display a inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showing a respect for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest a visit to the Mooseum and Tower.The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at leest, and the Tower another.Thus I've derived considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis.There's my fren Col.

Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it yit.He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin.

同类推荐
热门推荐
  • 大文豪

    大文豪

    久经商战中勾心斗角,推杯把盏中尔虞尔诈的文学青年陈凯之回到了古代。放眼看去,这里尽是歌楼酒坊,灯红酒绿,才子佳人。好吧,暂时这些和陈凯之没关系。寒门少年一枚,身份尴尬。且看这寒门少年如何一路逆袭,成就大文豪的精彩之路。
  • 湘雨楼词钞

    湘雨楼词钞

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 快乐在左 痛苦在右

    快乐在左 痛苦在右

    这不是小说,没有虚构的情节与人物,也不是把听来的故事再加工成为所谓的传奇。只想说一个故事,一个真实的故事。准确地说,是一段经历,一段让我刻骨铭心的经历。不为赚眼球,只求给与我有相同经历的朋友,特别是那些尚未走出抑郁症阴影的朋友,一个参考,一个成功的希望。
  • 上清化形隐景登升保仙上经

    上清化形隐景登升保仙上经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 病娇美人是团宠

    病娇美人是团宠

    天黑了,徐卺怕黑,刚好贺席不怕,他揽着她,向光的深处走去。sc,治愈系救赎甜饼,双向暗恋 偏执落魄画家x年轻有为音乐家
  • 天书奇谭

    天书奇谭

    “用清水蒸,肥嫩绵软好生吞;用热油烹,爆鲜酥脆一口闷;没味须腌制,三泡三晒配菜羹……”“茉莉!这歌词太奇怪了!你的三观有问题啊!”立志改邪归正重新做人的吴解大声喊道,“我们这本书是正派的仙侠小说,不是黑暗流啊!”
  • The Bedford-Row Conspiracy

    The Bedford-Row Conspiracy

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 医妃当道

    医妃当道

    她,现代医学博士,搏击教练。重生在十一岁小女孩身体里,成为了谢家长女。为了生存,她主动前往谢府索要抚养费,与至亲之人展开一场没有刀光剑影的战场,血战之后,拿着银两就此离去,却被告知有婚约将至。更可笑的是,那婚约之人却是个废人,与太监无异。而这一切都被她的父亲和蒙在鼓里,才会造就了小小的身体死在了山野密林。此仇不报非女子,她坚信,毒辣才能斗遍天下,你不害我,我不害人,你若动我,我必然十倍奉还……【情节虚构,请勿模仿】
  • 我世界的最后一束光

    我世界的最后一束光

    覃安言,你喜欢我,我同意,但我不会喜欢你;慕辰,如果有一天我离开了,不是因为我不爱你,而是我想要爱自己了。安言,如果你过得不快乐,就离开他吧!我会护你一世周全,以朋友的身份——程宇翔。
  • 外道问圣大乘法无我义经

    外道问圣大乘法无我义经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。