"This," he said; "this is what's the matter.I'm a habit-ooal drunkard! I'm exempt!""Jes' so."
"Do you see them beans, old man?" and he pinted to a plate before him."Do you see 'em?""I do.They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly.""Well," said he, "I hadn't eat anything since last week.Ieat beans now BECAUSE I eat beans THEN.I never mix my vittles!""It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a while," I said."It's a good idee to occasionally instruct the stummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its sustainance.""A blessin'," he cried; "a blessin' onto the hed of the man what invented beans.A blessin' onto his hed!""Which his name is GILSON! He's a first family of Bostin,"said I.
....
This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of residence.
....
A few was true blue.The schoolmaster was among 'em.He greeted me warmly.He said I was welkim to those shores.He said I had a massiv mind.It was gratifyin', he said, to see the great intelleck stalkin' in their midst onct more.I have before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster.He is evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents.
The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'.
The meetin' was largely attended.We held it in the open air round a roarin' bonfire.
The schoolmaster was the first orator.He's pretty good on the speak.He also writes well, his composition bein' seldom marred by ingrammatticisms.He said this inactivity surprised him."What do you expect will come of this kind of doin's?
Nihil fit--"
"Hooray for Nihil!" I interrupted."Fellow-citizens, let's giv three cheers for Nihil, the man who fit!"The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated--"Nihil fit.""Exactly," I said."Nihil FIT.He wasn't a strategy feller.""Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin'
pleasantly, "isn't posted in Virgil."
"No, I don't know him.But if he's a able-bodied man he must stand his little draft."The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the subscriber took the stand.
I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought all its relations.It has cum, I said, with a evident intention of makin' us a good long visit.It's goin' to take off its things and stop with us.My wife says so too.This is a good war.For those who like this war, it's just such a kind of war as they like.I'll bet ye.My wife says so too.
If the Federal army succeeds in takin' Washington, and they seem to be advancin' that way pretty often, I shall say it is strategy, and Washington will be safe.And that noble banner, as it were--that banner, as it were--will be a emblem, or rather, I should say, that noble banner--AS IT WERE.My wife says so too.[I got a little mixed up here, but they didn't notice it.Keep mum.] Feller citizens, it will be a proud day for this Republic when Washington is safe.My wife says so too.
The editor of the "Bugle-Horn of Liberty" here arose and said:
"I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impertant despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here.
I will read it.It is as follows: GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKEVIGOROUS MEASURES TO PUT DOWN THE REBELLION! [Loud applause.]
That, said I, is cheering.That's soothing.And Washington will be safe.[Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe.Gen.
PATTERSON'S in Philadelphia.But my heart bleeds partic'ly for Washington.My wife says so too.
There's money enough.No trouble about MONEY.They've got a lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington (which place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn out two or three cords of money a day--good money, too.Goes well.
These bank-note engravers made good wages.I expect they lay up property.They are full of Union sentiment.There is considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, more especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley.My wife says so too.
Then it isn't money we want.But we do want MEN, and we must have them.We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe.
We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung-shots, and stabbin' her with stolen knives! We must lick 'em quick.We must introduce a large number of first-class funerals among the people of the South.Betsy says so too.
This war hain't been too well managed.We all know that.
What then? We are all in the same boat--if the boat goes down, we go down with her.Hence we must all fight.It ain't no use to talk now about who CAUSED the war.That's played out.The war is upon us--upon us all--and we must all fight.
We can't "reason" the matter with the foe.When, in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with him? I guess not.And why "reason" with those other Southern people who are trying to kick over the Republic! Betsy, my wife, says so too.
The meeting broke up with enthusiasm.
We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it.
2.7.SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.
It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that important event in the history of the Revolutionary War.Atown meeting would be called, at which a company of men would be detailed as British, and a company as Americans--two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and Cornwallis in mimic surrender.
The pleasant little town of W--, in whose schools the writer has been repeatedly "corrected," upon whose ponds he has often skated, upon whose richest orchards he has, with other juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent midnight;the town of W--, where it was popularly believed these bandits would "come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate the surrender.Rival towns had celebrated, and W-- determined to eclipse them in the most signal manner.It is my privilege to tell how W-- succeeded in this determination.
