FIRST LOVE
If the reader feels that my suspicions were not wholly unwarranted, were indeed inevitable, he will not laugh at me on learning that once more these suspicions were set aside, and the fact--the damnatory fact, as I regarded it--discovered by me so accidentally, and, I thought, providentially, was robbed of all its significance by Bourgonef himself casually and carelessly avowing it in conversation, just as one may avow a secret infirmity, with some bitterness, but without any implication of deceit in its concealment.
I was the more prepared for this revulsion of feeling, by the difficulty I felt in maintaining my suspicions in the presence of one so gentle and so refined.He had come into my room that evening to tell me of his visit to Schwanthaler, and of the sculptor's flattering desire to make my personal acquaintance.He spoke of Schwanthaler, and his earnest efforts in art, with so much enthusiasm, and was altogether so charming, that I felt abashed before him, incapable of ridding myself of the dreadful suspicions, yet incapable of firmly believing him to be what I thought.But more than this, there came the new interest awakened in me by his story; and when, in the course of his story, he accidentally disclosed the fact that he had not lost his arm, all my suspicions vanished at once.
We had got, as usual, upon politics, and were differing more than usual, because he gave greater prominence to his sympathy with the Red Republicans.He accused me of not being "thorough-going,"which I admitted.This he attributed to the fact of my giving a divided heart to politics--a condition natural enough at my age, and with my hopes."Well," said I, laughing, "you don't mean to take a lofty stand upon your few years' seniority.If my age renders it natural, does yours profoundly alter such a conviction?""My age, no.But you have the hopes of youth.I have none.I am banished for ever from the joys and sorrows of domestic life; and therefore, to live at all, must consecrate my soul to great abstractions and public affairs.""But why banished, unless self-banished?""Woman's love is impossible.You look incredulous.I do not allude to this," he said, taking up the empty sleeve, and by so doing sending a shiver through me.
"The loss of your arm," I said--and my voice trembled slightly, for I felt that a crisis was at hand--"although a misfortune to you, would really be an advantage in gaining a woman's affections.
Women are so romantic, and their imaginations are so easily touched!""Yes," he replied bitterly; "but the trouble is that I have not lost my arm."I started.He spoke bitterly, yet calmly.I awaited his explanation in great suspense.
"To have lost my arm in battle, or even by an accident, would perhaps have lent me a charm in woman's eyes.But, as I said, my arm hangs by my side--withered, unpresentable."I breathed again.He continued in the same tone, and without noticing my looks.
"But it is not this which banishes me.Woman's love might be hoped for, had I far worse infirmities.The cause lies deeper.It lies in my history.A wall of granite has grown up between me and the sex.""But, my dear fellow, do you--wounded, as I presume to guess, by some unworthy woman--extend the fault of one to the whole sex? Do you despair of finding another true, because a first was false?""They are all false," he exclaimed with energy."Not, perhaps, all false from inherent viciousness, though many are that, but false because their inherent weakness renders them incapable of truth.
Oh! I know the catalogue of their good qualities.They are often pitiful, self-devoting, generous; but they are so by fits and starts, just as they are cruel, remorseless, exacting, by fits and starts.They have no constancy--they are too weak to be constant even in evil; their minds are all impressions; their actions are all the issue of immediate promptings.Swayed by the fleeting impulses of the hour, they have only one persistent, calculable motive on which reliance can always be placed--that motive is vanity; you are always sure of them there.It is from vanity they are good--from vanity they are evil; their devotion and their desertion equally vanity.I know them.To me they have disclosed the shallows of their natures.God! how I have suffered from them!"A deep, low exclamation, half sob, half curse, closed his tirade.
