"I wanted to tell you of a longing I have.I should like some one to torture me, marry me and then torture me, deceive me and go away.I don't want to be happy.""You are in love with disorder?"
"Yes, I want disorder.I keep wanting to set fire to the house.
I keep imagining how I'll creep up and set fire to the house on the sly; it must be on the sly.They'll try to put it out, but it'll go on burning.And I shall know and say nothing.Ah, what silliness! And how bored I am!"She waved her hand with a look of repulsion.
"It's your luxurious life," said Alyosha, softly""Is it better, then, to be poor?"
"Yes, it is better."
"That's what your monk taught you.That's not true.Let me be rich and all the rest poor, I'll eat sweets and drink cream and not give any to anyone else.Ach, don't speak, don't say anything"; she shook her hand at him, though Alyosha had not opened his mouth."You've told me all that before, I know it all by heart.It bores me.If I am ever poor, I shall murder somebody, and even if I am rich, I may murder someone, perhaps- why do nothing! But do you know, I should like to reap, cut the rye? I'll marry you, and you shall become a peasant, a real peasant; we'll keep a colt, shall we? Do you know Kalganov?""Yes."
"He is always wandering about, dreaming.He says, 'Why live in real life? It's better to dream.One can dream the most delightful things, but real life is a bore.' But he'll be married soon for all that; he's been making love to me already.Can you spin tops?""Yes."
"Well, he's just like a top: he wants to be wound up and set spinning and then to be lashed, lashed, lashed with a whip.If I marry him, I'll keep him spinning all his life.You are not ashamed to be with me?""No."
"You are awfully cross, because I don't talk about holy things.
I don't want to be holy.What will they do to one in the next world for the greatest sin? You must know all about that.""God will censure you." Alyosha was watching her steadily.
"That's just what I should like.I would go up and they would censure me, and I would burst out laughing in their faces.I should dreadfully like to set fire to the house, Alyosha, to our house; you still don't believe me?""Why? There are children of twelve years old, who have a longing to set fire to something and they do set things on fire, too.It's a sort of disease.""That's not true, that's not true; there may be children, but that's not what I mean.""You take evil for good; it's a passing crisis; it's the result of your illness, perhaps.""You do despise me, though! It's simply that I don't want to do good, I want to do evil, and it has nothing to do with illness.""Why do evil?"
"So that everything might be destroyed.Ah, how nice it would be if everything were destroyed! You know, Alyosha, I sometimes think of doing a fearful lot of harm and everything bad, and I should do it for a long while on the sly and suddenly everyone would find it out.Everyone will stand round and point their fingers at me and Iwould look at them all.That would be awfully nice.Why would it be so nice, Alyosha?""I don't know.It's a craving to destroy something good or, as you say, to set fire to something.It happens sometimes.""I not only say it, I shall do it."
"I believe you."
"Ah, how I love you for saying you believe me.And you are not lying one little bit.But perhaps you think that I am saying all this on purpose to annoy you?""No, I don't think that...though perhaps there is a little desire to do that in it, too.""There is a little.I never can tell lies to you," she declared, with a strange fire in her eyes.
What struck Alyosha above everything was her earnestness.There was not a trace of humour or jesting in her face now, though, in old days, fun and gaiety never deserted her even at her most "earnest"moments.
"There are moments when people love crime," said Alyosha thoughtfully.
"Yes, yes! You have uttered my thought; they love crime, everyone loves crime, they love it always, not at some 'moments.'
You know, it's as though people have made an agreement to lie about it and have lied about it ever since.They all declare that they hate evil, but secretly they all love it.""And are you still reading nasty books?"
"Yes, I am.Mamma reads them and hides them under her pillow and Isteal them."
"Aren't you ashamed to destroy yourself?""I want to destroy myself.There's a boy here, who lay down between the railway lines when the train was passing.Lucky fellow!
Listen, your brother is being tried now for murdering his father and everyone loves his having killed his father.""Loves his having killed his father?"
"Yes, loves it; everyone loves it! Everybody says it's so awful, but secretly they simply love it.I for one love it.""There is some truth in what you say about everyone," said Alyosha softly.
"Oh, what ideas you have!" Lise shrieked in delight."And you a monk, too! You wouldn't believe how I respect you, Alyosha, for never telling lies.Oh, I must tell you a funny dream of mine.Isometimes dream of devils.It's night; I am in my room with a candle and suddenly there are devils all over the place, in all the corners, under the table, and they open the doors; there's a crowd of them behind the doors and they want to come and seize me.And they are just coming, just seizing me.But I suddenly cross myself and they all draw back, though they don't go away altogether, they stand at the doors and in the corners, waiting.And suddenly I have a frightful longing to revile God aloud, and so I begin, and then they come crowding back to me, delighted, and seize me again and I cross myself again and they all draw back.It's awful fun, it takes one's breath away.""I've had the same dream, too," said Alyosha suddenly.
"Really?" cried Lise, surprised."I say, Alyosha, don't laugh, that's awfully important.Could two different people have the same dream?""It seems they can."
