登陆注册
5215100000306

第306章

"Yes, yes.I was telling lies just now.I was lying against my honour and my conscience, but I wanted to save him, for he has hated and despised me so!" Katya cried madly."Oh, he has despised me horribly, he has always despised me, and do you know, he has despised me from the very moment that I bowed down to him for that money.I saw that....I felt it at once at the time, but for a long time I wouldn't believe it.How often I have read it in his eyes, 'You came of yourself, though.' Oh, he didn't understand, he had no idea why I ran to him, he can suspect nothing but baseness, he judged me by himself, he thought everyone was like himself!" Katya hissed furiously, in a perfect frenzy."And he only wanted to marry me, because I'd inherited a fortune, because of that, because of that! Ialways suspected it was because of that! Oh, he is a brute! He was always convinced that I should be trembling with shame all my life before him, because I went to him then, and that he had a right to despise me forever for it, and so to be superior to me- that's why he wanted to marry me! That's so, that's all so! I tried to conquer him by my love- a love that knew no bounds.I even tried to forgive his faithlessness; but he understood nothing, nothing! How could he understand indeed? He is a monster! I only received that letter the next evening: it was brought me from the tavern- and only that morning, only that morning I wanted to forgive him everything, everything- even his treachery!"The President and the prosecutor, of course, tried to calm her.

I can't help thinking that they felt ashamed of taking advantage of her hysteria and of listening to such avowals.I remember hearing them say to her, "We understand how hard it is for you; be sure we are able to feel for you," and so on, and so on.And yet they dragged the evidence out of the raving, hysterical woman.She described at last with extraordinary clearness, which is so often seen, though only for a moment, in such overwrought states, how Ivan had been nearly driven out of his mind during the last two months trying to save "the monster and murderer," his brother.

"He tortured himself," she exclaimed, "he was always trying to minimise his brother's guilt and confessing to me that he, too, had never loved his father, and perhaps desired his death himself.Oh, he has a tender, over-tender conscience! He tormented himself with his conscience! He told me everything, everything! He came every day and talked to me as his only friend.I have the honour to be his only friend!" she cried suddenly with a sort of defiance, and her eyes flashed."He had been twice to see Smerdyakov.One day he came to me and said, 'If it was not my brother, but Smerdyakov committed the murder' (for the legend was circulating everywhere that Smerdyakov had done it), 'perhaps I too am guilty, for Smerdyakov knew I didn't like my father and perhaps believed that I desired my father's death.'

Then I brought out that letter and showed it him.He was entirely convinced that his brother had done it, and he was overwhelmed by it.He couldn't endure the thought that his own brother was a parricide! Only a week ago I saw that it was making him ill.During the last few days he has talked incoherently in my presence.I saw his mind was giving way.He walked about, raving; he was seen muttering in the streets.The doctor from Moscow, at my request, examined him the day before yesterday and told me that he was on the eve of brain fever- and all on his account, on account of this monster! And last night he learnt that Smerdyakov was dead! It was such a shock that it drove him out of his mind...and all through this monster, all for the sake of saving the monster!"Oh, of course, such an outpouring, such an avowal is only possible once in a lifetime- at the hour of death, for instance, on the way to the scaffold! But it was in Katya's character, and it was such a moment in her life.It was the same impetuous Katya who had thrown herself on the mercy of a young profligate to save her father; the same Katya who had just before, in her pride and chastity, sacrificed herself and her maidenly modesty before all these people, telling of Mitya's generous conduct, in the hope of softening his fate a little.And now, again, she sacrificed herself; but this time it was for another, and perhaps only now- perhaps only at this moment- she felt and knew how dear that other was to her! She had sacrificed herself in terror for him; conceiving all of a sudden that he had ruined himself by his confession that it was he who had committed the murder, not his brother, she had sacrificed herself to save him, to save his good name, his reputation!

And yet one terrible doubt occurred to one- was she lying in her description of her former relations with Mitya?- that was the question.No, she had not intentionally slandered him when she cried that Mitya despised her for her bowing down to him! She believed it herself.She had been firmly convinced, perhaps ever since that bow, that the simplehearted Mitya, who even then adored her, was laughing at her and despising her.She had loved him with an hysterical, "lacerated" love only from pride, from wounded pride, and that love was not like love, but more like revenge.Oh! perhaps that lacerated love would have grown into real love, perhaps Katya longed for nothing more than that, but Mitya's faithlessness had wounded her to the bottom of her heart, and her heart could not forgive him.The moment of revenge had come upon her suddenly, and all that had been accumulating so long and so painfully in the offended woman's breast burst out all at once and unexpectedly.She betrayed Mitya, but she betrayed herself, too.And no sooner had she given full expression to her feelings than the tension of course was over and she was overwhelmed with shame.Hysterics began again: she fell on the floor, sobbing and screaming.She was carried out.At that moment Grushenka, with a wail, rushed towards Mitya before they had time to prevent her.

同类推荐
  • 玄天上帝说报父母恩重经

    玄天上帝说报父母恩重经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • The Subjection of Women

    The Subjection of Women

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 净土必求

    净土必求

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 湘绮楼词钞

    湘绮楼词钞

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 最胜佛顶陀罗尼经

    最胜佛顶陀罗尼经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
热门推荐
  • 人间行道

    人间行道

    多少宇宙,万载绵延。善人怀正气,道义永长存;养天地正气,法古今完人。
  • 绝世冰妃

    绝世冰妃

    本文已入半折书库。人若无心,便什么都不放在心上,周围的一切都入不了她的眼;一切声音都入不了她的耳;即使哪里死了几百人几万人,也都入不了她的心底。常欢就是这样的一个人,她短暂的一生是如此悲哀,即使死了也要被人利用。‘如果无心就能避免这样的伤害,那我愿生生世世不再有心!’这是常欢临死前唯一的愿望,从此她只沉浸在自己的虚无牢笼里。阎王殿上,小阎王命她投胎转世,她不理会望乡台上唯一的依恋,毅然喝下孟婆汤,却仍化不去她心中的怨气。某个朝代鲜花满布的山谷里,她出生了,接生婆在她的臀上拍了数十下,她没有哭;面对这一世的娘亲因产后出血芳魂故去,她没有哭;看着父亲殉情跟随,只给她留下一个冷若尘的名字,她仍没有留下一滴眼泪。此后,跟着姐姐过的她,每天的任务只是望着天空发呆,不会哭、不会笑,就连人最基本维持生命的吃饭,她也毫不在乎。三岁前,她是最没有存在感的存在;三岁后,因为前尘旧怨,引来灭门之祸,姐姐、姐夫为了保护她和两个年幼的双胞胎,死了。看着尚在襁褓的两个因为失去父母而哭泣的小侄女,三岁的小女孩毅然从自己的虚无世界中醒来,从此只为了这一对儿小侄女而活。嗨,从9月14号起,《相见不相识》改名为《绝世冰妃》,还望大家多多照顾新人我的文章!
  • 超级驸马

    超级驸马

    穿越之后,玩转天下,娶两位公主,让敌国皇后折服,震中华雄风!以一己之力,平白莲教,灭辽国,一统江山!且看萧莫纵横睥睨,成为一位史无前例的超级驸马!PS:新书发布,书名《名士倾国》,希望大家继续支持!
  • 网游之箭破天穹

    网游之箭破天穹

    玩玩网游练练功,谈谈恋爱赚赚钱,当一个小小的弓箭手开始认清这个世界之后,才发现自己不仅可以在网游里一手遮天,在现实里依旧可以只手蔽日
  • 印度放浪

    印度放浪

    日本当代摄影家、随笔家藤原新也的首部随笔集,共收录二十篇文字,主要描写自己在印度旅居时的感受。二十三岁时,他放弃学业。他走遍印度的城市和乡村和市集,经历过沙暴,在恒河边目睹当地人的水葬、火葬,和苦行僧一起攀登雪山,观察普通村民的每日生活。他看到的印度是一个炙热的国度,这里的人们没有过度丰盛的物质文化,生活方式简单粗暴,但大家尚有热情和自由,无论卑微还是高尚,每个灵魂都以自己想要的面貌活着。在这里,生命呈现出本真的东西,美与丑都淋漓尽致,一切追求表现的形式都相形见绌。
  • 宠婚为爱:鲜嫩甜妻送入怀

    宠婚为爱:鲜嫩甜妻送入怀

    明明是来‘捉奸’的,但是却遇到了一个超级大色狼,李慕晴,你还真是点儿背。“女人,破坏了我美好的一夜,要如何补偿?”欧阳君墨脸上挂着邪魅的笑容,深邃的黑瞳里,闪烁着一抹算计的光芒。补偿?哼,姑奶奶要你这样的花心大少?“抱歉先生,你……不是本大小姐的菜。”冷漠夹杂着嘲讽的回答,让欧阳君墨挑起了英挺的剑眉。“你……本大少要了。”
  • 蛇妖青离

    蛇妖青离

    目睹了父母人妖殊途的一场苦恋,青离对情之一事唯恐避之不及。虽定下心来不去触碰,可冥冥中早有安排,在他遇到毕落后,才理解父亲所说的那句:“情不知所起,一往而深”为何意。
  • 橐钥子

    橐钥子

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 快穿吃货宿主你别跑

    快穿吃货宿主你别跑

    萌新第一次写哦哪里写的不好可以提意见了但是不可以凶我会哭的哄不好的那种喵~
  • 重生之宠妃

    重生之宠妃

    重生修仙女的后宫宠妃生涯百合穿越女?这个不能有。炮灰各类妃子?这个可以有。渣掉皇上?这个必须有!没命事小,失身事大……各类路人请小心,女主狠凶残……神挡杀神,魔拦屠魔?噢,不?全都揍趴下!皇帝?那是什么,不过是我修炼的踏脚石。