登陆注册
5246100000084

第84章 PART II(18)

He remembered seeing something in the window marked at sixty copecks. Therefore, if the shop existed and if this object were really in the window, it would prove that he had been able to concentrate his attention on this article at a moment when, as a general rule, his absence of mind would have been too great to admit of any such concentration; in fact, very shortly after he had left the railway station in such a state of agitation.

So he walked back looking about him for the shop, and his heart beat with intolerable impatience. Ah! here was the very shop, and there was the article marked 60 cop." "Of course, it's sixty copecks," he thought, and certainly worth no more." This idea amused him and he laughed.

But it was a hysterical laugh; he was feeling terribly oppressed.

He remembered clearly that just here, standing before this window, he had suddenly turned round, just as earlier in the day he had turned and found the dreadful eyes of Rogojin fixed upon him. Convinced, therefore, that in this respect at all events he had been under no delusion, he left the shop and went on.

This must be thought out; it was clear that there had been no hallucination at the station then, either; something had actually happened to him, on both occasions; there was no doubt of it. But again a loathing for all mental exertion overmastered him; he would not think it out now, he would put it off and think of something else. He remembered that during his epileptic fits, or rather immediately preceding them, he had always experienced a moment or two when his whole heart, and mind, and body seemed to wake up to vigour and light; when he became filled with joy and hope, and all his anxieties seemed to be swept away for ever;these moments were but presentiments, as it were, of the one final second (it was never more than a second) in which the fit came upon him. That second, of course, was inexpressible. When his attack was over, and the prince reflected on his symptoms, he used to say to himself: "These moments, short as they are, when Ifeel such extreme consciousness of myself, and consequently more of life than at other times, are due only to the disease--to the sudden rupture of normal conditions. Therefore they are not really a higher kind of life, but a lower." This reasoning, however, seemed to end in a paradox, and lead to the further consideration:--"What matter though it be only disease, an abnormal tension of the brain, if when I recall and analyze the moment, it seems to have been one of harmony and beauty in the highest degree--an instant of deepest sensation, overflowing with unbounded joy and rapture, ecstatic devotion, and completest life?" Vague though this sounds, it was perfectly comprehensible to Muishkin, though he knew that it was but a feeble expression of his sensations.

That there was, indeed, beauty and harmony in those abnormal moments, that they really contained the highest synthesis of life, he could not doubt, nor even admit the possibility of doubt. He felt that they were not analogous to the fantastic and unreal dreams due to intoxication by hashish, opium or wine. Of that he could judge, when the attack was over. These instants were characterized--to define it in a word--by an intense quickening of the sense of personality. Since, in the last conscious moment preceding the attack, he could say to himself, with full understanding of his words: "I would give my whole life for this one instant," then doubtless to him it really was worth a lifetime. For the rest, he thought the dialectical part of his argument of little worth; he saw only too clearly that the result of these ecstatic moments was stupefaction, mental darkness, idiocy. No argument was possible on that point. His conclusion, his estimate of the "moment," doubtless contained some error, yet the reality of the sensation troubled him. What's more unanswerable than a fact? And this fact had occurred. The prince had confessed unreservedly to himself that the feeling of intense beatitude in that crowded moment made the moment worth a lifetime. "I feel then," he said one day to Rogojin in Moscow, "I feel then as if Iunderstood those amazing words--'There shall be no more time.'"And he added with a smile: "No doubt the epileptic Mahomet refers to that same moment when he says that he visited all the dwellings of Allah, in less time than was needed to empty his pitcher of water." Yes, he had often met Rogojin in Moscow, and many were the subjects they discussed. "He told me I had been a brother to him," thought the prince. "He said so today, for the first time."He was sitting in the Summer Garden on a seat under a tree, and his mind dwelt on the matter. It was about seven o'clock, and the place was empty. The stifling atmosphere foretold a storm, and the prince felt a certain charm in the contemplative mood which possessed him. He found pleasure, too, in gazing at the exterior objects around him. All the time he was trying to forget some thing, to escape from some idea that haunted him; but melancholy thoughts came back, though he would so willingly have escaped from them. He remembered suddenly how he had been talking to the waiter, while he dined, about a recently committed murder which the whole town was discussing, and as he thought of it something strange came over him. He was seized all at once by a violent desire, almost a temptation, against which he strove in vain.

He jumped up and walked off as fast as he could towards the "Petersburg Side." [One of the quarters of St. Petersburg.] He had asked someone, a little while before, to show him which was the Petersburg Side, on the banks of the Neva. He had not gone there, however; and he knew very well that it was of no use to go now, for he would certainly not find Lebedeff's relation at home.

He had the address, but she must certainly have gone to Pavlofsk, or Colia would have let him know. If he were to go now, it would merely be out of curiosity, but a sudden, new idea had come into his head.

同类推荐
  • 女开科传

    女开科传

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 指瑞篇

    指瑞篇

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 华严经感应略记

    华严经感应略记

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 亭林先生神道表

    亭林先生神道表

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • DON JUAN

    DON JUAN

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
热门推荐
  • 太子有疾:医等太子妃

    太子有疾:医等太子妃

    【注意:本文产出时间作者神游去了,所以很混乱,真心不建议大家看下去。等到有空会重写,所以看到免费的部分诸位就别订阅了。那些在评论区开骂,我就不想一一去计较了,骂名算我的!】“怎么是你?!”她大婚当天,却是他穿着喜庆的婚服踏进洞房。“那你想的是谁呢?”他嘴角勾起的笑足以颠倒众生,“你原本要嫁的人不就是我吗?”他是慕江时,温文尔雅。他是太子时,邪魅腹黑。她逃不掉,也没有能力逃。因为从一开始,她的心就遗留在他那里了。
  • 声优养成大师

    声优养成大师

    一个伪宅和另一个世界线的自己重合了。这个世界没有钉宫,也没有东山,没有佐仓……而他,成了一个即将倒闭的事务所的声优经纪人,面对自己的声优落魄潦倒的状况。既然穿越了,那就成为新世界的卡密!没有钉宫,那就造一个钉宫,没有东山,那就造一个东山。Lovelive不只是二次元,我还要办现实世界的学院偶像比赛!没有漫展?那就引爆同人界的原子弹!虚拟偶像?让洛天依和初音未来同台演唱!……而郝平,只想带着他的声优,在武道馆开演唱会。
  • 宠妻有术:杠上邪魅王爷

    宠妻有术:杠上邪魅王爷

    “这位公子,我看你印堂发黑,脸色苍白,脚步虚浮,定是中了奇毒……”男人步步紧逼,苏敏连连后退,危险时分竟脱口而岀。“哦?是吗?那苏小姐可有解毒良方?”男人狭长的的凤眸勾起一个好看的弧度,语气带着危险的问。“我……我……”“没有吗?我倒知道一个良方,不知苏姑娘可有兴趣听?”苏敏抬头看着男人邪魅的俊颜近在咫尺,咽了咽口水问,“什……什么良方?”好看的双唇微微上扬,“阴阳调和……”
  • 纳尼亚传奇:最后的战役

    纳尼亚传奇:最后的战役

    一只无尾猿无意中捡到一张狮子毛皮,劝诱他的朋友——头脑简单的驴子披上狮皮,假扮阿斯兰,控制纳尼亚的生物。国王蒂莲为了解救纳尼亚的生灵,并揭穿无尾猿的诡计而成为无尾猿和卡罗门人的俘虏。他向阿斯兰呼救,唤来了尤斯塔斯和吉尔。他们救出蒂莲国王,并带领独角兽等忠诚的动物和卡罗门军队、反叛的野兽以及矮人们展开战斗。但此时残酷的异教塔什神已经来到纳尼亚。
  • 报告王爷:王妃要出逃

    报告王爷:王妃要出逃

    南巽祎:吕媚儿,只要本王还活着,就不许你离开本王,这一世,永生永世,你都是本王的人!南琮睿:媚儿,我人是你的,命是你的,心更是你的,我杀了所有想害你的人,护你一世周全。北亦桓:媚娘,朕知道你喜欢烟花,只要你想要的,放弃所有,朕都给你。花倾雨:我背叛了我的主人,忍辱负重,甘愿死在凡夫俗子的刀下,只为这世上对我最好的你。吕如烟:我本来是没有名字的,直到她给了我一个名字和一个家,我怎么能再撕碎她的幸福呢?姬芳蓉:皇上,臣妾知道您的心不在臣妾身上,可臣妾不甘心,看着深爱的人,离我而去。宁妍心:我以为只要我软弱可怜,他就会保护我一辈子,可是我以为的只是以为
  • 闻蝉寄贾岛

    闻蝉寄贾岛

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 法华玄赞义决

    法华玄赞义决

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 以你姓氏,冠我余生

    以你姓氏,冠我余生

    楚随风恨白浅初,他总以为自己有一辈子的时间能折磨她。可当听到她飞机失联的消息传来的时候,楚随风才恍然大悟,原来,恨是爱的代名词!--情节虚构,请勿模仿
  • 女皇的孤独

    女皇的孤独

    遭后妈设计迫害,从自家天台上被推下去,因此穿越到另一个时空……成为那个时空的女皇
  • 傲娇皇妃很难追

    傲娇皇妃很难追

    她是现代的绝世神偷,浴火中重生,竟成为了玄月国将军府又丑又笨的废物三小姐。亲父嫌她?偷!庶母欺她?偷!偷!渣妹害她?偷!偷!偷!恶男负她?偷得他内内都不剩!他是曾经的国之宠儿,绝世天才,却因着一个不为人知的目的装疯卖傻整整十年,直到她的出现……当那年的丑颜废材小姐,风华绝代,光芒万丈的那一瞬间,又耀了谁的眼,悔了谁的肠?当他褪去一身的伪装,绝世风华,笑看风云之际,她与他并肩而立,睥睨天下。当昔日那些嫌她、欺她、害她、负她之人厚颜无耻地来求她相助的时候。她冷冷地勾唇,眼带轻蔑,“早知今日,何必当初!”他莞尔一笑,眸光清冽,“她是我的女人,想求她?把头奉上先!”【雪狐狸系列第三部—雪妖篇】