"I wouldn't mind, if I could get in right.Everything in this world depends on getting in right.I was born four flights up in a tenement, and I've been in wrong ever since.""I was in wrong from the beginning, too," said Susan, thoughtfully."In wrong--that's it exactly." Clara's eyes again became eager with the hope of a peep into the mystery of Susan's origin.But Susan went on, "Yes, I've always been in wrong.Always.""Oh, no," declared Clara."You've got education--and manners--and ladylike instincts.I'm at home here.I was never so well off in my life.I'm, you might say, on my way up in the world.Most of us girls are--like the fellow that ain't got nothing to eat or no place to sleep and gets into jail--he's better off, ain't he? But you--you don't belong here at all.""I belong anywhere--and everywhere--and nowhere," said Susan.
"Yes, I belong here.I've got a chance uptown.If it pans out, I'll let you in."Clara looked at her wistfully.Clara had a wicked temper when she was in liquor, and had the ordinary human proneness to lying, to mischievous gossip, and to utter laziness.The life she led, compelling cleanliness and neatness and a certain amount of thrift under penalty of instant ruin, had done her much good in saving her from going to pieces and becoming the ordinary sloven and drag on the energies of some man.
"Lorna," she now said, "I do believe you like me a little.""More than that," Susan assured her."You've saved me from being hard-hearted.I must go to the hospital.So long!""How about this evening?" asked Clara.
"I'm staying in.I've got something to do."
"Well--I may be home early--unless I go to the ball."Susan was refused admittance at the hospital.Spenser, they said, had received a caller, had taxed his strength enough for the day.Nor would it be worth while to return in the morning.The same caller was coming again.Spenser had said she was to come in the afternoon.She received this cheerfully, yet not without a certain sense of hurt--which, however, did not last long.
When she was admitted to Spenser the following afternoon, she faced him guiltily--for the thoughts Brent had set to bubbling and boiling in her.And her guilt showed in the tone of her greeting, in the reluctance and forced intensity of her kiss and embrace.She had compressed into the five most receptive years of a human being's life an experience that was, for one of her intelligence and education, equal to many times five years of ordinary life.And this experience had developed her instinct for concealing her deep feelings into a fixed habit.
But it had not made her a liar--had not robbed her of her fundamental courage and self-respect which made her shrink in disdain from deceiving anyone who seemed to her to have the right to frankness.Spenser, she felt as always, had that right--this, though he had not been frank with her; still, that was a matter for his own conscience and did not affect her conscience as to what was courageous and honorable toward him.So, had he been observing, he must have seen that something was wrong.But he was far too excited about his own affairs to note her.
"My luck's turned!" cried he, after kissing her with enthusiasm."Fitzalan has sent Jack Sperry to me, and we're to collaborate on a play.I told you Fitz was the real thing."Susan turned hastily away to hide her telltale face.
"Who's Sperry?" asked she, to gain time for self-control.
"Oh, He's a play-smith--and a bear at it.He has knocked together half a dozen successes.He'll supply the trade experience that I lack, and Fitzalan will be sure to put on our piece.""You're a lot better--aren't you?"
"Better? I'm almost well."
He certainly had made a sudden stride toward health.By way of doing something progressive he had had a shave, and that had restored the look of youth to his face--or, rather, had uncovered it.A strong, handsome face it was--much handsomer than Brent's--and with the subtle, moral weakness of optimistic vanity well concealed.Yes, much handsomer than Brent's, which wasn't really handsome at all--yet was superbly handsomer, also--the handsomeness that comes from being through and through a somebody.She saw again why she had cared for Rod so deeply; but she also saw why she could not care again, at least not in that same absorbed, self-effacing way.Physical attraction--yes.And a certain remnant of the feeling of comradeship, too.But never again utter belief, worshipful admiration--or any other degree of belief or admiration beyond the mild and critical.She herself had grown.Also, Brent's penetrating and just analysis of Spenser had put clearly before her precisely what he was--precisely what she herself had been vaguely thinking of him.
