The great question was that of subsistence, and by the dearness ofprovisions, and the difficulty of carriage, this is expensive in theisland; the inhabitants are besides at the mercy of the receiver.Thisdifficulty was removed by an arrangement which Du Peyrou made with me,in becoming a substitute to the company which had undertaken andabandoned my general edition.I gave him all the materialsnecessary, and made the proper arrangement and distribution.To theengagement between us I added that of giving him the memoirs of mylife, and made him the general depositary of all my papers, underthe express condition of making no use of them until after my death,having it at heart quietly to end my days without doing anything whichshould again bring me back to the recollection of the public.The lifeannuity he undertook to pay me was sufficient to my subsistence.Mylord marshal having recovered all his property, had offered metwelve hundred livres a year, half of which I accepted.He wished tosend me the principal, but this I refused on account of the difficultyof placing it.He then sent the amount to Du Peyrou, in whose hands itremained, and who pays me the annuity according to the terms agreedupon with his lordship.Adding therefore to the result of my agreementwith Du Peyrou, the annuity of the marshal, two-thirds of which werereversible to Theresa after my death, and the annuity of three hundredlivres from Duchesne, I was assured of a genteel subsistence formyself, and after me for Theresa, to whom I left seven hundredlivres a year, from the annuities paid me by Rey and the lord marshal;I had therefore no longer to fear a want of bread.But it was ordainedthat honor should oblige me to reject all these resources whichfortune and my labors placed within my reach, and that I should die aspoor as I had lived.It will be seen whether or not, withoutreducing myself to the last degree of infamy, I could abide by theengagements which care has always been taken to render ignominious, bydepriving me of every other resource to force me to consent to myown dishonor.How was it possible anybody could doubt of the choiceI should make in such an alternative? Others have judged of my heartby their own.
My mind at ease relative to subsistence was without care uponevery other subject.Although I left in the world the field open to myenemies, there remained in the noble enthusiasm by which my writingswere dictated, and in the constant uniformity of my principles, anevidence of the uprightness of my heart, which answered to thatdeducible from my conduct in favor of my natural disposition.I had noneed of any other defense against my calumniators.They might under myname describe another man, but it was impossible they should deceivesuch as were unwilling to be imposed upon.I could have given themmy whole life to animadvert upon, with a certainty, notwithstandingall my faults and weaknesses, and my want of aptitude to support thelightest yoke, of their finding me in every situation a just andgood man, without bitterness, hatred, or jealousy, ready toacknowledge my errors, and still more prompt to forget the injuriesI received from others; seeking all my happiness in love,friendship, and affection, and in everything carrying my sincerityeven to imprudence and the most incredible disinterestedness.
I therefore in some measure took leave of the age in which I livedand my contemporaries, and bade adieu to the world, with anintention to confine myself for the rest of my days to that island;such was my resolution, and it was there I hoped to execute thegreat project of the indolent life to which I had until thenconsecrated the little activity with which Heaven had endowed me.
The island was to become to me that of Papimanie, that happy countrywhere the inhabitants sleep
Ou l'on fait plus, ou l'on fait nulle chose.** Where they do more: where they do nothing.
This more was everything for me, for I never much regretted sleep;indolence is sufficient to my happiness, and provided I do nothing,I had rather dream waking than asleep.Being past the age ofromantic projects, and having been more stunned than flattered bythe trumpet of fame, my only hope was that of living at ease, andconstantly at leisure.This is the life of the blessed in the world tocome, and for the rest of mine here below I made it my supremehappiness.
They who reproach me with so many contradictions will not failhere to add another to the number.I have observed the indolence ofgreat companies made them unsupportable to me, and I am now seekingsolitude for the sole purpose of abandoning myself to inaction.Thishowever is my disposition; if there be in it a contradiction, itproceeds from nature and not from me; but there is so little that itis precisely on that account that I am always consistent.Theindolence of company is burdensome because it is forced.That ofsolitude is charming because it is free, and depends upon the will.Incompany I suffer cruelly by inaction, because this is of necessity.
I must there remain nailed to my chair, or stand upright like apicket, without stirring hand or foot, not daring to run, jump,sing, exclaim, nor gesticulate when I please, not allowed even todream, suffering at the same time the fatigue of inaction and allthe torment of constraint; obliged to pay attention to every foolishthin uttered, and to all the idle compliments paid, and constantlyto keep my mind upon the rack that I may not fail to introduce in myturn my jest or my lie.And this is called idleness! It is the laborof a galley slave.
