登陆注册
6740700000008

第8章

Being a writer wouldn't be so bad either. I could create a world with the mere sweep of a pen. Love and hate, sadness and joy—a writer held each of these things in her own hands. Every time she created a character, this character would live out a life for her. If she was tired of being a gentleman, she could become a scoundrel instead. When she was sick of writing fair maidens, she could create a free spirit, a wild thing. All in all, no matter what career I ended up choosing, it would be somehow related to the arts, and it would put me before an audience numbering in the tens of thousands. The ordinary, the pedestrian, the middle-of-the-road… Those were the things I could not bear. I would rather die than live that kind of life.

A young Pisces' personality contains two sides in extreme conflict, just like the sign's two opposing fish. Each side pushes in a different direction. This dichotomy dogged me through my entire youth. I struggled between tradition and rebellion, and I hung somewhere between the labels of "kid" and "girl" . A look of vacant confusion often filled my youthful features.

When I was seventeen, I always wore gorgeous and audaciously colored clothes. An azure shirt, a red miniskirt or a long, milky-white skirt with a cloth belt… Long and wide silky sleeves that fluttered majestically in the air… And, of course, that high-waisted violet jacket and pair of matching pants… My seventeenth year was the peak of my rebellion against all things ordinary. Give me personality or give me death.

And so I waged a war against myself. While I very clearly had my mind set on achieving beauty, I still made deliberate attempts to blur the lines of gender. Disgusted with the moniker of "girl" , I called myself a "teenager" instead. I was on friendly terms with my male classmates, and when I wrote them letters I would sign each one the same way: San Di, "Third Brother" .

A fire burned inside me. I was drawn to lively gatherings by my very nature, yet when surrounded by others I would intentionally keep to myself. I assumed the role of passive onlooker, trying to create an aura of practiced aloofness. During more than a few official and unofficial academic debates, I would engage my opponents in heated intellectual discourse, deploying all sorts of cutting-edge arguments. It was not only natural but essential that I cite Sartre, Nietzsche, Plato and their ilk. My discourse stunned my classmates into silence. They never dared provoke me after those first few debates.

One can imagine a person set against herself. She is certainly not a dainty or "ladylike" girl. Despite her ladylike figure and features, her inner conflict has distorted those features until they have inevitably lost their initial sense of beauty. At the very least, she cannot be called cute. Inside, I hoped to become liked, but my exterior was closer to that of a porcupine, bristling with quills, teeth and claws. Who would dare approach someone like me?

At seventeen, I was extremely lonely.

同类推荐
  • Real Marriage 裸婚

    Real Marriage 裸婚

    我在新浪以“介末开门”之名开博,连载自己的婚姻生活。飙升的点击率膨胀了我的虚荣心,我志得意满地准备出书吹嘘自己的幸福生活。出书的事还未见眉目,我离婚了,以雪崩的速度。我第一次真正领略了生活的荒诞,简直想笑。接下来的两年时间,我写了一出话剧,编了一本杂志,又谈了一次热情的恋爱结了一次婚,出书的事情顺理成章地被耽搁下来。本书是作者介末完全真实的个人经历,但也不是自传,毕竟这只是介末不足十年的个人经历,虽然客观真实,但只截取了与婚姻相关的片段,还不能作为全面了解一个人的标准。给婚姻撒上一把“介末”,让人感受超刺激又泪流满面的生活。不粉饰、不矫情、不夸张,一个睿智的女人带你学会生活、婚姻哲学。
  • Little Novice 小沙弥

    Little Novice 小沙弥

    半个世纪前的西藏有着怎样的神秘往事?转世活佛有着怎样不寻常的艰难经历?六百多年前,藏传佛教格鲁派创始人宗喀巴大师创造了什么样的神奇?六百年后,他的法体又遭遇了什么样的劫难?佛法故事、民间传说、艺人说唱……何为活佛,何为马帮,何为藏药,何为唐卡,何为藏族人心中对死的理解……
  • 理智与情感(纯爱·英文馆)

    理智与情感(纯爱·英文馆)

    《理智与情感》是简·奥斯丁富于幽默情趣的处女作。埃莉诺和玛丽安娜两姐妹生在一个英国乡绅家庭,姐姐善于用理智来控制情感,妹妹的情感却毫无节制,因此面对爱情时,她们作出了不同的反映……
  • 那些美好而忧伤的记忆(每天读一点英文)

    那些美好而忧伤的记忆(每天读一点英文)

    《那些美好而忧伤的记忆》选取亲情、友谊、爱情等主题美文,让你在阅读中,感恩那些你爱的、爱你的人们!《每天读一点英文》是一套与美国人同步阅读的中英双语丛书。该丛书由美国英语教师协会推荐,讲解单词、精华句型、翻译、检验阅读成果,升级英语能力!
  • The Last Chieftain 妹娃要过河

    The Last Chieftain 妹娃要过河

    故事发生在兵荒马乱年代长江三峡边的一个土家山寨。伍娘是一个哑女,但聪颖过人舞技绝世;无意中撞进山寨的外乡人李安因偷吃土家祭祀的供品受到重罚;土司覃尧看似罚他却是救他,并许诺将伍娘许与李安。伍娘出嫁前夜按照祖先赋予的初夜权,将自己奉献给了神。土司覃尧作为神的化身得到了伍娘但与此同时才发现自己原本深爱着这个女子,从此陷入深深的痛苦。李安不能接受山寨的习俗,将对伍娘的喜爱化成了厌恶和仇恨,不断给纯洁无辜的伍娘以伤害,土司覃尧却因信义而只能默默地忍受煎熬无法相助,火焰一般的爱恨情仇之间,美丽的伍娘以她的生命完成了最后的舞蹈。李安逃离山寨,覃尧在长江边堵住了他,命运将指向何方?
热门推荐
  • 一往情深:一生一世只宠你

    一往情深:一生一世只宠你

    被前男友抛弃,她心灰意冷。被家族利用的她嫁入豪门,一纸协议之后成为何家儿媳!一切是福是祸,一切成因结果,她尽皆不知!命运长途之中,她叫安纪念,他是何晟肖!
  • 傻王狂宠神医妃

    傻王狂宠神医妃

    凌楚楚见过最黑暗的世界,几乎体会过世间所有痛苦,她不相信爱恨,只在乎得失。物竞天择是亘古不变的定律,回到陌生的古代世界,她仍然奉为圭臬。杀人放火无恶不作,底线是人不犯我我不犯人。直到他闯进她命里,像一道光照亮她隐藏于内心深处的善良。原来最初的心愿,是天下太平。【黑心女帝慢热洗白成长史*q群784542960】
  • 灵兽纹师

    灵兽纹师

    【灰太狼-狼族崛起】荣誉出品:感觉到慢慢消失在异空间的吞噬兽,星敖看了看已经落到地面的女子。凄惨的一笑。大声说道:“命运既然无法改变结局,我也要为这个结局添上属于我自己的一笔!”“百倍灵能劲爆!燃烧!”强大的灵能随着疯狂的星敖,迅速的汇集过来,空中的灵能就像被星敖抽去一样,汇集的越来越大。直到这个时候,中年男子的脸色瞬间变成了煞白,失声的喊道:“快!快阻止他!他要自爆了!”全身被灵能充斥的星敖,已经慢慢的开始丧失六感的功能,听不见,看着越来越模糊的人影,星敖笑了。轰~如同打破的玻璃窗一样,变得支离破碎。(未完……待更新)
  • 金元四大名医现代养生方案

    金元四大名医现代养生方案

    本书以游记形式,由细微之处切入,将刘完素、张从正、李东垣、朱丹溪这四个名留青史的金元四大名医缀连在一起,谈脏腑,论气血,读情绪,讲房事,繁而不芜,精而不碎,亦庄亦谐,挥洒成文。这是一本旅行随感,也是一册小说传记,更是一部养生秘籍,摄取养生经验,在一章一镜头的转换中为广大读者亮出精彩实用的养生智慧。
  • 迷雾

    迷雾

    故事似乎发生在一九六七年十月底的一个下午。这年,哈尔滨的冬天来得很早,不到十一月就已经是冰天雪地。将城市分隔成南北两岸的松花江也早早地结冻,几百米宽的冰面放眼望去白茫茫一片,如同天地间夹了一层迷雾。爬犁在光滑的冰面上飞驰而去,三个人的身影转眼间就成了冰面上三个小点。江北和江南虽只隔着一条松花江,但却天壤之别,南岸是哈尔滨的主城区,而江北则是穷乡僻壤。
  • 霸道总裁枕上妻

    霸道总裁枕上妻

    嫁给陆南笙,于顾小黎而言,虽是天堂,犹如地狱;她想只要她再拼命一点,就会距离他更近一些;可是,谁都没有告诉过她,天堂和地狱的距离到底有多远?顾小黎说:他就是我的那个例外,守着他,便是我的宿命!三年时光,她甘愿做他身后的女人,却从来没有得到他的正眼对待;直到他深爱的女人回来,他无情的递给她那份离婚协议;她说:陆南笙,这是最后一次,我再也不爱你了!可当她选择放手的时候,那个从来都不屑的男人,却真正感受到食之无味,夜不能寐……--情节虚构,请勿模仿
  • 狐眸一笑万物生

    狐眸一笑万物生

    白灵真是个天资愚钝的八尾狐狸,在摆脱了狐界大佬的折磨后,混迹人间,黏上了一个名叫喻权的神秘特种兵,无他,就是小哥哥身上的味道也太太太太好闻了吧!……简直比飞升成仙更美好!“真儿,我养你万年,岂是在为他人做嫁衣?”“大佬饶命!”她不知道他们之间早有羁绊,必将生死相连,她更不知道前路漫漫,命途多舛。狐界几大家族明争暗斗,人间又危机四伏,自己身世成谜……
  • 携仙游异界

    携仙游异界

    昊天开天地,神宇合八荒,携仙游异界,大陆任我翔。穿越到昊天大陆的沐凡发现居然有个上古大仙和自己一起穿越了,老乡见老乡两眼泪汪汪,沐凡和仙人结拜为了兄弟。而神仙大哥给沐凡的见面礼竟然是太上老君师傅的九转金丹!
  • 快穿之打脸金手指

    快穿之打脸金手指

    天道崩乱,秩序不存,涌现了一批逆天的人生赢家,无数炮灰的白骨垒成他们的成神之路——恩爱夫妻转眼家破人亡;魔法天才落得横死异乡;当红明星可怜半生瘫痪;豪门千金无辜身败名裂;一代明君惨遭谋朝篡位;书中女主却被女配逆袭……天道表示:TAT谁来帮帮我?女主:我们有100%的打脸技巧!【情节虚构,请勿模仿】
  • 质疑录

    质疑录

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。