Slow and steady wins the race, if you have minions to sabotage your opponent.
—ANCIENT MINION PROVERB
The D-Hum was a two-story wood-shingled building with peeling white trim. It looked like an unwanted toolshed next to its neighbor, the Dormitory for Minions of Impressive Size (the D-MIS). That immense stone building had a wide portico, giant Ionic columns, and two stone griffins standing guard at the bottom of the steps. Their motto was engraved above the missing front door: "Anything in Our Way Will Be Destroyed."
By contrast, the motto above the D-Hum read, "Just Do Your Best."
I didn't belong in the D-Hum. I belonged in the Momido with the other werewolves, but it had been full two years ago, when I was a first-year. It was full last year too, because monster minions are always in high demand. Humans, on the other hand, are not.
When I returned to the D-Hum, I found my roommate Darthin standing in front of a mirror as he adjusted some fake horns on his head. He'd also painted himself gray.
"What are you doing?" I asked. Besides the fake horns and gray skin, his blond hair had been slicked flat and he smiled with fake fangs.
"I'm gonna be a gargoyle," he said. "At Mad Scientist Camp, they said gargoyles make the best assistants. Every mad scientist wants one. They're very protective, really scary, and can turn into stone. I'm not sure why that's good, but they can do it. And if they have wings, they can reach things on high shelves."
"Don't they sometimes eat people?" I asked.
"That's actually another plus," Darthin said. "Mad scientists need someone to blame for the, ah, accidental deaths."
"Why don't you be a mad scientist yourself?" I asked. "You're the smartest guy I know."
"Too much pressure," he said. "All those presentations. I hate oral reports, you know that." He turned back to the mirror, pulling on some gloves that had claws built into the fingers. "I'm just testing out the look. If I like it, I think I can concoct a potion to make the changes more permanent."
"Oh … kay." Poor Darthin. He probably wanted to look like a monster because they terrified him. He rarely left the dorm if he was alone; he was so frightened of bumping into a mummy or an ogre, or anything else nonhuman.
"I heard you made it into the Junior Henchman Training Program," he said. "Congratulations."
"Thanks."
I stood behind him and checked myself out in the mirror. I felt different, even though I looked the same, wearing the school uniform of black cargo pants, black cross-trainers, and white T-shirt decorated with the school's symbol, a blue griffin. I zipped up my new jacket, in third-year colors: tan with black down the sides. It had the Critchlore family crest embroidered as a pocket logo on one side, my name on the other.
The same old me, but now I was one of the elites: a junior henchman trainee. I was on solid footing for a great career.
As soon as I thought this, the building shook, knocking Darthin and me to the floor.
Fight sounds tumbled in through the open window. I got up and raced over, Darthin right behind me. Next door at the D-MIS, a bunch of ogres jostled one another as they chased a giant through the entryway.
It was no surprise, really, that they didn't have a door.
The floor shook again. Shouts and curses filled the air. A couple of ogres tackled the giant and sat on him, trying to get him to say "Uncle."
"Wally!" I yelled at one of the ogres.
Darthin slugged me on the shoulder. "What are you doing?" he whispered. "He'll see us."
"Darthin, relax. They're nice," I said, for the millionth time. "Wally! What's going on?"
Wally turned around to see who was calling. I was right in front of him. From my second-floor window, I was practically at his eye level.
"Over here, Wally!" I yelled, waving my arms.
He looked to his left. Then his right.
"Wally!"
Finally he spotted me. "Hi, Higgins!" He waved.
"What's going on?" I asked again.
"Knute called ogres sissies," he said. Then he jumped up and landed on Knute's belly.
"Really?" I asked. "Why?"
" 'Cause they are!" Knute yelled. Then he lost his breath from another crushing blow. "Didn't you see the video?"
"What video?" I yelled, but nobody answered. A few giants came to Knute's defense, and the ground shook from the giant-ogre scrum.
"We could look it up on the library computer," Darthin said, but I didn't answer. I was watching the size XXXXXXXL minions punch and tackle each other, sometimes drawing blood. It was such a tender scene that I felt a pang of loneliness. I missed my pack. I kissed my medallion, the only thing they'd left me. It was the size of a small coin, and it had a wolf's head in the center. I wore it always.
"All that wrestling and chasing and biting reminds me of my family," I said. I remembered feeling safe, snuggled together at night, the soft feel of their fur, and the musty smell of their bodies. The way Dad used to lead the nightly howling. How Mom licked my face clean. "Haven't seen them in eight years."
"My family's being held hostage in Upper Worb," Darthin said.
"What?"
"To make sure I return, after I get my education. Our evil overlord, the Exalted Irma Trackno, doesn't like defectors."
I'd heard about hostage families. Some people don't enjoy the oppression and despair of their life under an evil overlord, and they would leave if they had a chance. The EOs are in a tough spot—they have to send people to Stull, the country with the best schools, but they also have to make sure they return. One way to do this is to keep the students' family members hostage.
"She imprisoned them?" I asked.
"Nope. They're just watched so they don't leave. They share an apartment with a nice family of yetis. It's cold, but they have cable TV."
"What happens if you don't go back?"
"The Great and Kind Irma will kill my family."
"She doesn't sound very kind, or great," I said. "I wonder where my family is." Upper Worb? Bluetorch? Pinnacles? They could be anywhere. At least I knew they weren't being held hostage. I hadn't been sent to Stull. I'd been left at the school when I wasn't able to keep up with my pack. I was the runt of the litter and I should have died, but my family loved me and left me somewhere I'd be safe.
A giant picked up a chunk of stone that had broken off the facade and threw it. Darthin screamed as it zipped our way. We ducked just as it struck, hitting right above our window and sending splinters of wood on top of us.
We were brushing off the dust when our other roommate, Frank Twenty-five, stumbled into the room. He looked green, which was not his natural color.
"What's the matter, Frankie?" I asked.
He turned to me, a look of fear on his face. "We have to watch a video."
