A WONDERFUL REST OF THE DAY
The day before the official start of my junior year, I beg Toby to drive me to the mall. Oddly he says he doesn't want to go, that he doesn't need anything. It's weird that he'd prefer to be holed up in his room. Normally he is pretty into clothes for a straight guy.
"Ray's at work," I tell him. "If her manager isn't around, you can get free CinnaYum!"
"That shit is full of cancer."
"But they're just so gooey and sweet and I haven't had one all summer."
"You're better for it."
"Please, Toby. Muppet is there, too, and I haven't seen her in ages."
"Muppet's at the mall?" He looks slightly interested. "I thought she was with Toast … I can't find Toast."
"Why would Muppet be with Toast? Why do you want to find him? Please, Toby, I won't spend that long with Muppet and Ray. Please please please!"
"You need a license," he says, putting on his shoes. "You need to get over your silly shit and drive."
"I know." I follow him out of his room, down the hall, downstairs, and out the back door.
"There's no reason for you not to be driving. Like my good friend Jake Gyllenhaal says in Nightcrawler, fear is only 'False Evidence Appearing Real.'"
"Christian Grey says to Anastasia Steele, 'Most of the fear is in your head.'"
Toby makes a face. "You're quoting Fifty Shades of Grey?"
I slide into the passenger seat. "Ray wanted to see it."
He shakes his head. "Well, it's true. Your driving fears are only in your head. You'd be fine behind the wheel."
I nod.
"I'm enabling your not driving by chauffeuring you."
"Just imagine I'm Miss Daisy. I'll call you Hoke."
"I'd like to imagine you in Driver's Ed."
"You sound like Mom."
That shuts him up. He puts on his "Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow!" Beatles playlist and drives off.
Once we get to the mall, instead of going into the garage, Toby pulls in front of Macy's.
"You're not parking?" I ask.
"I don't want to go in. Too oppressive in there. Let me know if you see Toast."
"You're just going to wait for me?" I'm surprised. I thought once Toby actually got here, he'd get into it and make things fun by ordering made-up foods from Ray and suggesting atrocious clothes for me to "try on."
"I'll wait," he says.
"In the car?"
"I got my book." He holds up The Lord of the Rings.
"Sit and read in the food court. At least it'll be air conditioned." It has to be at least ninety-five degrees out. "Ray says mall cops ticket like crazy."
"Just go expend your personal consumption."
"I think you should park in the garage."
"Avoid the food court at all costs," he whispers. "Lots of secret ops in there."
"What movie is that from?" I open the door. "I think you got me."
But he's already reading and doesn't answer.
There's a long line at CinnaYum! but Ray comes flying out from behind the counter and screams my name. "Ahhhhhmeeellllliiiiiiaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" She gives me a huge hug.
I kind of love it because it's very movie version, but it's also a little embarrassing because all the people in line look at me like I'm the one to blame that they'll have to wait for their Yums!
"I missed you, too," I tell Ray.
"Bullshit. You were living it up in the Hamptons with your infinity pool and ocean views."
"Montauk isn't like the rest of the Hamptons. I didn't see a famous person all summer. Well, Mr. Carter thought he saw Alec Baldwin at the grocery store, but it couldn't be verified. Mrs. Carter thought he was too short. And the pool was nice, and the view was too, but I still missed you."
"Excuse me," a woman with a little girl wearing fairy wings says sharply. "But I'd like to order."
Ray shuffles back to the stand. I follow and wait by a large fake tree next to her.
"My bestest friend was away for, like, the last one thousand hours," she tells the old man at the front of the line. "She hung out in a mansion and got herself a boy-friend with seven names."
He ignores her and orders an XL Yum! stick.
"It wasn't a mansion," I tell her. "It was a really nice house, but not a mansion. And Epstein doesn't have seven names. I don't even know if he's my boyfriend."
Ray grins and rings up the old man. "You haven't had your DTR, yet?"
"My what?"
"Your Defining the Relationship convo."
"No. Not really."
"You need to DTR it, girl."
"We're going to visit each other. Hopefully he can come up soon. The train ride is only about two hours."
"But is he your boyfriend?" Ray grins. "Have you said, 'My dear Epstein Lepstein Fenstein Benstein, are you my boyfriend? Or just my lover?'"
"I thought Muppet was here," I say, changing the subject. "Lover" seems like such an adult thing to say.
Ray points down to the other side of the food court where I see Muppet in a bright magenta and yellow dress looking up at the ceiling.
"What's she doing?"
Ray shrugs. "I have no idea." She takes the order from the mom of the fairy-wing girl.
"I thought maybe she'd want to say hi since she hasn't seen me."
"Total weirdo," Ray says. "I think she might have gotten even dingier this summer."
"Impossible. Is Toast here?"
"Toast?"
"Toby was looking for him. He thought maybe Toast would be with Muppet."
"Is Toby here?" Ray asks. Her voice seems to go up an octave.
"He's in Prudence. Outside Macy's."
"Really? Why?"
"He's being weird. Wants to read. Didn't want to pay to park."
"He's going to get a ticket. Even if he's in the car, they'll ticket. Mall cops are vicious."
Ray seems unusually concerned about my brother's parking situation.
"I told him all that. Anyway, I should go buy something to wear for school. I seriously have no clothes. If I'm unsure, I'll send you a picture."
"Stay away from the moccasins, girl."
"That was one time, like three years ago," I mutter mostly to myself as I walk toward Muppet.
Muppet's reaction to seeing me is the opposite of Ray's. She glances at me and says, "Hey, Amelia. How do you spell cucumber?"
"Cucumber?"
She nods.
"C-u-c-u-m-b-e-r. Why? Actually never mind. I don't want to know. How was your summer?"
"Good. It's nice to see you, too."
Muppet kind of reminds me of Sam. I chat with her a little, but then tell her I need to go shop because Toby's waiting for me.
Unlike Ray, Muppet doesn't seem to care that Toby isn't in the mall.
Unfortunately, my shopping isn't a success. For one thing, I feel rushed since Toby's waiting, and also because I'm not that confident without Ray. While I'm content in a pair of Gap jeans and a plain tank top, Ray is always saving up for expensive things like polarized Ray-Bans and Hunter rain boots. She spends a lot of time looking for deals and bidding on eBay, which I don't really get. Sometimes she'll be super psyched to tell me that she won a $400 Chanel wallet for $150. But I think $150 is still a lot to spend on a wallet. Since she makes her own money, I guess it's her prerogative. But she's really helpful when we shop together. She always knows what's on clearance and steers me away from bad fashion choices.
I get two new bras and five pairs of underwear at Victoria's Secret, and Sperry Top-Siders that look just like my old ones, but without Ray, I get stuck at Express and take pictures of two potentially ugly sweaters and then walk back to CinnaYum!
"Are these ugly?" I show Ray the photos.
"Yes," she says without hesitating. "They would make an Olsen look fat. Do not buy them. Under any circumstances."
"Ugh. I don't have time to really shop."
"Toby still hasn't come in?"
I shake my head.
"Weird. Does he want free Cinnacrack? We can go give him one."
All of a sudden something in my brain clicks on. Ray tried to sound casual when she asked if Toby wanted a free Cinna-Yum!, but she didn't, which means she wants to give him one because she was bummed he wasn't in the mall, and she also cared a weird amount about his illegal parking. Which must mean that she likes him, because why else would she care? I know they texted about parties this summer, but something doesn't feel right about Ray liking Toby. It doesn't make sense, because I love Ray and my brother. So why wouldn't I want them to go out?
"He doesn't want one," I say. "He said they're full of cancer."
"He's probably right."
I can't tell if she's disappointed or not, but then Ray's manager, Jason, comes back so I give her a wave and make my way back towards the mall entrance.
As I step into the sultry, non-air-conditioned air, my phone buzzes.
Epstein!
"I'm in the mall," I tell him. "Actually I'm just leaving."
"The mall?"
"Yeah. You know, the oppressive place for consumption."
"Consumption is another word for tuberculosis."
"It sounded better when my brother said it."
"Consumption is the disease that killed Emily Bront? and John Keats."
"Did you Google that or do you actually know it?" Epstein knows a lot of random facts about a lot of different subjects. Most of the time, I find it cute, but sometimes I just feel dumb.
"I knew it. Back in fifth grade, I was interested in the diseases that killed famous writers."
"When I was in fifth grade I was into Adam Levine. You must have been a really fun fifth grader."
There's an awkward pause and I wonder if I've insulted Epstein. Sometimes we have weird pauses, which isn't very movie version. Whenever Toby has a girlfriend they seem to always be laughing, kissing, or speaking in annoying baby talk.
"I was a weird fifth grader. I'm still weird. What are you doing in the mall?" Epstein asks. I'm happy that he doesn't sound hurt.
"School shopping, although I didn't do much of it. Toby didn't want to come in so I had to do it quickly."
"What did you get?"
"Shoes. Bras." My face flushes and I swallow hard. I did more with Epstein than any other boy, but we didn't have sex or anything. I wonder if we do need to have the DTR talk.
"Oh," Epstein says. "That's exciting. The bras, at least."
I'm not sure what to say to this so I awkwardly cough.
"I miss you," Epstein says.
"I miss you too." I picture his cute freckled face and, unfortunately, his big ears. But then I see Prudence, and there's a cop car next to it. "Hold on," I say.
A cop is talking to Toby through his rolled-down window.
"Oh no," I say to Epstein. "I gotta go. I'll call you later."
Shit. Mall tickets are big. Toby is going to be mad.
Except when I get close to the car, I hear laughing.
I walk closer.
The cop, a short, young Latina woman, is laughing.
Toby is making a cop laugh!
And they're listening to the Beatles.
My brother so lives the movie version, I think as I walk up to the car.
"Here she is," Toby says. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, herself."
"Hi?" I say, not meaning for it to come out as a question.
Toby gives me a what-were-you-so-worried-about smile.
"Shopping success?" the cop asks.
"Not really."
"I should have helped her," Toby says. "'Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.'"
"Huh?" I say.
"Marilyn Monroe!" the cop says. "What about 'You're never fully dressed without a smile'?"
"Good one, Officer Martinez!"
I feel like I've entered an alternate reality. Only my brother could charm his way out of a mall ticket. I get in the car and put my seat belt on, even though Officer Martinez doesn't seem to notice. She's still laughing with my brother.
I don't know why Ray was so worried about Toby. Of course the cop doesn't give him a ticket. She gives him, totally unprofessionally in my opinion, a high-five and tells us to have a wonderful rest of the day.
Act I: Scene 3
AMELIA is nine years old
TOBY is eleven years old
FADE IN:
INT. AMELIA'S ROOM. MORNING. A CLOCK ON THE DRESSER SAYS 7:30 AM.
AMELIA wakes and notices dozens of leis and white lights all around the room. There are plastic palm trees and plastic flamingos poking out from the bookcase, the desk, etc.
TOBY walks in with a yellow, sun-shaped cake.
TOBY
singing
Happy beach birthday to you,
happy beach birthday to you!
AMELIA
Huh? What?
TOBY
You always said you hated that your birthday was in the dead of winter.
Well, now it's summer.
in an Australian accent
Welcome to Australia, mate. I'm pleased to inform you that it's a whopping 25.5 degrees, mate.
Toby hands Amelia a stuffed kangaroo.
AMELIA
cuddles kangaroo and yawns
That sounds cold.
TOBY
grinning, still in an Australian accent
Don't be silly, mate. That's Celsius. In your silly American Fahrenheit, it's a lovely 78 degrees. Come on, love. Up you go. Let's celebrate this summery birthday of yours at the beach.
Amelia gets up, still holding her stuffed kangaroo.
TOBY
Here you go.
Toby hands Amelia a pair of pink flip-flops.
AMELIA
Thanks, Toby. These are great.
This is pretty funny.
TOBY
That's not all, mate. Step inside to the beach.
Toby leads Amelia into her bathroom, which has been transformed. The tub is full of blue water and there is a child's sandbox filled with sand and beach toys. Next to the "pool" is a small plastic beach chair and rows of plastic palm trees. Hanging sunshine lights line the perimeter of the ceiling.
AMELIA
amazed
Toby! This is amazing. How did you do all this?
TOBY
shrugs
I just wanted you to have a warm birthday for once. Happy beach birthday, Amelia.
Toby hands Amelia a bottle of sunblock and a pair of sunglasses.
FADE OUT.
