LADIES' LUNCH
The Friday after my first week of school I'm standing on the front porch, trying to get my keys out of my bag, when my grandmother and mom burst out of the house.
"Jeez!" I say. "You scared me."
"We were waiting for you," my grandmother says.
My mom nods. "We're whisking you away for an LL."
LL stands for Ladies' Lunch, which is this corny thing me and my grandmother and my mom used to do a lot. We'd go out, just the three of us, for lunch. My mom started it when my grandfather got sick so my grandmother could have a little break. We kept doing it after my grandfather died, because other than taking care of the twins, my grandmother didn't have that much of a life for a while. But two years ago at the senior center, Grandma met a widower named Harry and things have been hot and heavy ever since. Joke. But Grandma does spend a lot of time with Harry—they're always going off to inns in New England and taking classes at the community college.
"In lieu of lunch, we thought we'd have an early-bird dinner at the diner," my mom says, opening the car door. "Grandma has tickets to a play with Harry tonight."
I get in the backseat.
"Your dad said he'd feed the twins," my grandma says. "I told him there's some stuff in the freezer …" She sounds worried, which is funny since his job is feeding people.
"Where's Toby?" I had to take the bus home because Prudence was gone. I don't know if it's because he's a senior, but all week, I was stuck on the bus because Toby left before me. Last year, he'd usually wait for me, but now, he's always gone when the final bell rings. Between that and Ray getting more hours at CinnaYum! I'm resigned to the dorky yellow schoolbus.
"He's studying at the library," my mom said. "He won't be home till later."
"He is?" I wish I didn't sound shocked but when I saw Toby after lunch he was lying on a picnic table with skeevy Toast and some stoner sophomore girls, looking as unlibrary as you can get.
My phone vibrates with a text.
Epstein: i miss u.
Me: me 2. What r u doing?
Epstein: @starbucks listening to new wtf podcast. U?
Me: in car 4 early dinner w mom & grandma. wtf?
Epstein: What the fuck with Marc Maron. Amazing podcast! Listen!
Me: u say all podcasts r amazing! I've been listening to a lot! Nerdist! Comedy Bang Bang!
Epstein:
Me: Not really into the jam band ones though. Sry.
Epstein: You can be practically perfect.
Me: Mary Poppins wouldn't be into jam bands either.
Epstein: Sure she would! Laughing on the ceiling? Jumping into chalk.
"Amelia." My mom glances at me in the rearview mirror.
"I'm texting Epstein."
"Grandma asked you a question."
"It's okay," Grandma says.
Me: Gotta go.
I put my phone in my bag.
"What, Grandma?"
"I can't remember."
I try not to feel annoyed. I love my grandmother. She's really sweet, doesn't ever boss me around, and without her, I'd be stuck doing tons more babysitting.
"I can't believe you have a boyfriend, Amelia," Grandma says. "Where does the time go? Just yesterday you were on the baby swing."
I blush. "I don't know if he's exactly my boyfriend." I still haven't had the DTR convo Ray suggested. I'm not sure how I'd write something like that in a text, and having the talk on the phone would be weird and maybe too grown-up. That's the kind of thing they do in movies but not in a good way. I don't want to scare Epstein off by talking about what we're doing. I wonder if Toby has DTR talks with his girlfriends. The girls he goes out with always seem like they're SO into him. I remember when Kate, a girlfriend his sophomore year, brought him a dozen balloons and cupcakes to school on his birthday.
"How's Harry?" I ask, because it's rude not to ask my grandmother about her boyfriend. Man. Companion. Friend.
"He has a cold," my grandmother says. "The theater was chilly on Saturday. I'm going to remind him to wear his wool sweater tonight."
"Oh," I say. Harry seems nice, but there's not that much to say about a sweet old guy who wears sweaters all year.
After we've eaten and my grandmother is sipping her decaf, supposed-to-be-in-the-library-studying Toby comes into the diner, laughing his ass off, followed by Toast, Muppet, and two popular senior girls. Abdi Osman, a guy who moved here from Somalia in fifth grade, follows behind them, filming with a big camera.
I can't imagine a more random group of people. I think the only thing they have in common is that they all look high.
My grandmother waves at my brother. "Well, look who it is!"
I look for the panic on Toby's face when he registers that he's busted for lying about the library, but he just smiles at us. "Mom, Grandma, Meals. Hey." He sounds like he's genuinely happy to see us.
Muppet grins at me. "Hello, Ah. Melia." Her eyes are bright red and she looks extremely high.
"Hi," I say, kind of embarrassed. Although I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed for her or for me.
Muppet grins at me more. "What. Are. You. Doing?"
What a wacko. I can't wait to tell Ray about Muppet on drugs. "Just hanging out with my mom and grandma."
"I thought you were studying," my mom says to Toby.
"We did study," Toby says. "We studied so much algebraic geometry that we got hungry. We're just taking a break. We're headed back to the library after we nosh on a little something."
Nosh on a little something? There's no way my mother is going to buy this! Who does he think he's kidding with algebraic geometry?
"Toby has a lot of really interesting theories," Muppet says.
I hold my breath, because no one in their right mind would believe these stoned nut jobs have been at the library!
But I am so wrong.
"Well, I'm impressed that you're working so hard," my mom says. "And on a Friday afternoon, too."
"Geometric string theory isn't easy," he says, smiling at me. "'They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.'"
That's from Anchorman, my brain screeches! But my grandma nods like Toby makes perfect sense. "Are you eating?" she asks.
Toby shakes his head. "Just coffee. We have to study more."
"I think you should get something to eat," my grandma tells him. "You look thin, Toby. Don't push yourself too hard, honey." Then she takes her wallet out of her purse and hands him a twenty!
I have to admit that he's the best. I hope Abdi got this on film because in a million years, no one will ever be half as cool as Toby.
