For my beautiful children, Tom, Ted and Milly and for DW Rowan Pelling and for Sue Armstrong
– CBC
To the friends I can call at 4 a.m.
(thank you, Marlene Dietrich), this really is the best bit…
– LH
For Otis and Queenie Ingrams, forever
– SJL
'I am because you are.'
– AFRICAN PROVERB
'If there's a book you
really want to read but
it hasn't been written yet,
then you must write it.'
– TONI MORRISON
'If there is one person who is still not free, then I am not;
if there is one person who still suffers from insult and humiliation,
then I do. Do you understand yet?'
– AI WEIWEI
'Begin anywhere.'
– JOHN CAGE
ABSTRACT THOUGHT
'It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.'
– ALICE, FROM ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, LEWIS CARROL
(v: Lateral thinking)
ACCEPTING A COMPLIMENT
Accepting a compliment can be extremely hard to do, particularly if you have grown up in an environment of criticism. In fact, it is a skill that may take up to a lifetime to accomplish, but it's extremely important that you do.
The most cherished compliments often come out of context, and in unlikely places, and they can often leave the recipient feeling slightly lost for words. Poor compliment etiquette is when you 'deny' the compliment giver, i.e. you imply that the compliment given isn't actually true, because this means that he or she has to redouble his or her efforts and turns a charming, life-enhancing, generous gesture into slightly tedious, therapeutic reassurance.
The double whammy is that you have also insulted the giver a little. The underlying message being that they are somehow not intelligent enough, perceptive enough, or don't know enough about you to make this call.
So acknowledge the compliment gracefully, a simple but heartfelt 'Thank you' will suffice, and let the truth in about yourself too. Gradually, without becoming vain, you will develop self-acceptance and secret confidence.
(v: Secret confidence, Self-deprecation)
ACCEPTING INVITATIONS
Whether it's a no or a yes to the opening of a biscuit tin it is extremely important that you respond, politely, and in good time, to invitations. Our preferred method of reply is, of course, a handwritten letter, but if this is just totally unrealistic, a text or e-mail to the relevant person will do. If it was a private event such as a supper, a party or a trip to the theatre or something similar, don't forget to write a proper thank-you letter.
(v: Debt, Money matters)
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
(v: Boundaries, Breaking the rules, Grasping the nettle, Money matters, Opening brown envelopes)
ADVENTURE
'Adventure is worthwhile in itself.'
– AMELIA EARHART
What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Until the twenty-first century, with a few notable exceptions–cf. The Wilder Shores of Love by Lesley Blanch–adventure was considered to be the province of men in topees. However, the combination of the vote, rising hemlines, two world wars, contraception, inspiring female athletes, the birth of television and sensationally effective extreme weather wear have opened up infinite vistas for all of us. So, without upsetting the whole domestic applecart, the time has come to be adventurous. A shortlist of near-to-home, gutsy, sports activities can help to focus the mind, challenge the body and blow away the cobwebs and the boom in Internet-based companies offering trekking, canoeing, archery, fencing, hiking, falconry, shooting, and riding seems virtually limitless. If you fancy a greater challenge to mind, body and spirit, think about a camping expedition in the Kalahari, a riding holiday in Argentina, a bicycling trip through Cambodia and Vietnam, or charity work in Malawi.
(v: Comfort zone, Long-haul travel, Safety)
ADVICE (giving and receiving)
If somebody asks for your advice, give it thoughtfully and gracefully in the knowledge that they will, of course, ignore it. Ditto if you are asking for advice. Receive it thoughtfully and graciously before you ignore it. If you are on the receiving end of unasked-for advice, just ignore it. However, a father's advice to his daughter on her twenty-first birthday–'However much you have to drink you must remember what you said and did in the morning. Never interfere in a great love affair and don't sleep with your secretary'–has stood her in good stead.
(v: Affairs, Insomnia, I don't)
AFFAIRS
Should you or shouldn't you? The answer is that you shouldn't. But, as it is crucial to the excitement of having an affair to let all experience, wisdom and proffered advice go out of the window, you are probably going to go ahead anyway.
An affair can be thrilling: excitingly illicit, deeply passionate and often liberating on many levels–all the things that a long-term relationship isn't. However, affairs can also bring heartbreak, not just to the two people involved, but also to their respective partners, children and extended families.
If you are unable to practice self-restraint here are some guidelines:
Don't have an affair with your husband's best friend.
Be discreet.
Garters and stockings are always good.
Don't neglect your children.
Remember your friends, you may need them in due course.
However wonderful it is, remind yourself occasionally that most affairs have a lifetime of six months to two years.
Don't slag off your lover's partner, or join in when he does it. It's unfair and it's undignified.
If your lover is in a relationship and you are single, only you are allowed to set the rules.
If your lover tells you he wants to try and make his marriage work, have the good grace to let him try.
Occasionally put yourself through the shipwreck scenario, i.e. what are all the long-term options, both good and bad. Be honest with yourself.
If your lover's partner becomes seriously ill in any way, his job is to support her. You must put your relationship on hold.
Protect your heart.
(v: Camiknickers, Contraception, Creative corsetry, Family therapy, Grief, I don't, Lawyers, Loss, Money matters, Rejection, Teenagers)
AGE
'Age is enlightenment at gunpoint.'
– ANNA HALPIN
'No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.'
– OSCAR WILDE
'Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.'
– ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA, II. II., WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
'Aging is the result of an accumulation of random molecular damage.'
– LEWIS WOLPERT
AGELESS FASHION
'Fashion fades, only style remains the same.'
– COCO CHANEL
It's called style. Some people have it and some people just don't.
(THE) AGE OF BEREAVEMENT
There is a moment in life when you find that you are attending more divorces and funerals than you are weddings and christenings. Losing a close friend or mentor or partner is acutely painful and with the death of both parents comes the final realization that there is no road back. This milestone is complicated to deal with and you may feel alienated from your partner and/or children. After all, you are meant to be a grown-up, aren't you? It might be worth seeking professional help. Or talk to your friends. Many of your friends will be going through or have already gone through similar experiences. Allow yourself to mourn properly, focus on the good times. On bad days it really is important to use the coping tools of the mundane to get you through, i.e. airing the bedroom, making a fire, planting some geraniums in pots. It is also helpful to 'be the poet of your own life'. Keep a diary, write poetry, write letters. If you find it hard to concentrate, watch TV, listen to music and/or the radio. Sleep. See your mates. Remember that the darkest hour is before the dawn. Hope is essential. You will get through.
(v: BFF, Mentors, Therapy)
AGONY
'One often learns more from ten days of agony than ten years of contentment.'
– MERLE SHAIN [JOURNALIST AND WRITER]
Emotional agony, it's unmistakable and it can have physical symptoms such as lack of hunger, swift weight loss and feelings of acute stress, which are often accompanied by a racing, churning manic behavior. We can take medication to overcome it. Or we may choose to live with emotional agony at least for a limited period of time. Therapists will argue that this acute pain, arising as it usually does out of separation from a loved one, through divorce or death, is a spiritual event that marks a moment of transformation. It is a journey into the underworld. The message from the gods is that if we can go through the fire we will find greater self-acceptance, self-knowledge and understanding as a result and return to the land of the living intact.
(v: Age of bereavement, Persephone)
A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND
But not impossible.
(v: Good husband material, Hope, Little black book, Top table)
ALCOHOL
'Who loves not wine, woman, and song Remains a fool his whole life long.'
– ATTRIBUTED TO MARTIN LUTHER
(v: Bad habits, Booze, Champagne, Cocktails, Codependency, Dipsomania, Drunk-dialing, Grappa, Insomnia)
ALL ABOUT EVE
'She, as a veil, down to a slender waist
Her unadorned golden tresses wore
Dishevelled. but in wanton ringlets waved
As the vine curls her tendrils, which implied subjection, but required with gentle sway.
And by her, yielded, by him best received
Yielded with coy submission, modest pride, And sweet, reluctant, amorous delay.'
– PARADISE LOST, BOOK IV, JOHN MILTON
ALLERGIES
For some reason it's hard to be sympathetic if somebody tells you that they can't eat Brazil nuts, nevertheless the fashion for allergies underlies a real twenty-first-century problem. We are too clean, our houses are too clean. And because of the current 'expert advice' on breastfeeding and weaning, our babies may not be getting a wide enough variety of foodstuffs and accompanying bacteria at a young enough age. Couple this with the extraordinarily successful worldwide campaign to eradicate killer diseases and the result is that we are developing incomplete immune systems in bodies that no longer have to fight external intruders (viral and bacterial) and are succumbing to a range of autoimmune diseases instead. It's tiresome but we need to be responsible and sympathetic to those who suffer from allergies and meet their dietary requirements without a murmur. If you suspect that you may be allergic to something, we won't call you a moaning minny, just please go and get tested. The upside of all of this, for the less house-proud among us, is that there is a valid reason for not cleaning the kitchen floor more than once a week.
(v: Meds)
ALLURE
The essence of allure is to be in a private relationship with oneself. Allure is an ageless quality that combines sexuality with ancient wisdom, secret confidence, inner depth and the ability to remain still in a busy room. Contemporary ideas of beauty and the overexposure of models and actresses in newspapers and magazines means that it is rare to see a famous person who looks alluring. There are just too many lightbulbs flashing in the background. The woman in the street, on the other hand, has every chance to develop these qualities.
(v: Elegance, Maturity, Secret confidence, Style)
(THE) ALMOST DATE
(AND HOW TO AVOID IT THE SECOND TIME AROUND)
There was a time when if a man asked you out, you knew what his intentions were. But twenty-first-century dating is a minefield. Is he asking you out–or just out?
In the past, love was a formal contract. Today, romance is so laidback it's horizontal. Sometimes being laissez-faire can suit. It can give you time to get to know him without feeling pressured or rushed. However, if you are already very keen on him and/or very much in the dating zone or just somebody who likes knowing where they stand, here's a checklist from the writers of He's Just Not That Into You:
Expect a public excursion, a meal and some hand-holding.
Hopefully a message post-date to say he had a nice time.
Then some kind of further contact within three days.
Hanging out is not dating. If in doubt of his intentions, ask another man. As women, in our desire to be kind and supportive, we often do more harm than good by perpetuating our friends' mad romantic fantasies, i.e. checking out wedding dresses in shops or thinking up baby names, but there are times when we need tough love from the Dating Nazis and in turn your friends might need it from you too.
A trusted male friend will give it to you straight–and shoot down all the sexcuses. Exhibit A: there is no such thing as mixed messages. If he's not calling you, you're not on his mind. Exhibit B: The dreaded 'It's not you, it's me' is a clue to run for the hills. Men are not complicated. If they like you, they phone.
(v: Pep talk from a fiery redhead)
ALONENESS (AS OPPOSED TO LONELINESS)
'I've just done what I damn well wanted to, and I've made enough money to support myself, and ain't afraid of being alone.'
– KATHARINE HEPBURN
'The freedom of our age is that you can be alone.
The price is that you might also have to feel lonely.'
– ALAIN DE BOTTON [PHILOSOPHER]
'Never less lonely than when completely alone.'
– CICERO
When you are busy, you aren't alone. Loneliness doesn't sit well with the upbeat image that we like to project to the outside world. People will admit to being depressed (intriguing and melancholy) or drinking too much (spontaneous and fun-loving), but we won't admit to being lonely because it makes us feel a failure.
In modern times there is ever increasing pressure for women to appear to be 'self-contained'. Any kind of neediness is frowned upon but the truth is that loneliness can have a profound effect on our lives. Recent research has shown that it can damage the chemical and electrical responses in our immune systems that help prevent illness. Some studies argue that loneliness is a bigger killer than cancer or heart disease.
Our monkey ancestors lived in social groups and we have evolved into sociable human beings. The word 'lonely' wasn't used in the contemporary sense until the eighteenth century, partly because everyone lived so closely together that there was never a chance to be so. The Romantic poets changed the concept of loneliness with vivid intensity. Wordsworth's 'I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud', expresses a new tension between the individual self and society.
If you are feeling lonely the first task is to identify whether this is something to be 'cured', or something that needs to be 'managed'? It is also important to distinguish between aloneness, i.e. learning to enjoy a period of solitude whether it is chosen or enforced, and the real, grinding loneliness that can make you feel like hell. Most important of all, don't beat yourself up for feeling lonely.
(v: Flow, Keep your diary full)
ALPHA FEMALES
(v: Ambition, Top girls)
AMBITION
Why is this still such a dirty word for women? For men ambition is a necessary and desirable part of their lives, but women so often play down their achievements for fear of being seen as egotistic or selfish–or worse still, a 'bitch'. Surely we all want our efforts and accomplishments acknowledged? It's perfectly acceptable to engage in competition. Ambition gets us up in the morning and it motivates us to keep going when things get rough. So why the double standard? When a male boss is cross at work we excuse him because he's a perfectionist. When a woman demands high standards, she's having a hissy fit. Remember, ambition is neutral: it's how you use it that defines whether you're operating in a healthy or an unhealthy way.
(v: Alpha females)
AMBIVALENCE (TO A LOVER)
Ambivalence about a lover usually signifies that there are big emotions at play, either positive or negative or both. If you are experiencing ambivalence about a partner, or aspects of your relationship, you need to get to the heart of the matter and be truthful about your feelings, pronto!
(v: Bachelors, Rejection)
AMBIVALENCE (TO AN EX-LOVER)
The ultimate revenge for someone who has broken your heart.
(v: Rejection)
AMORALITY
We may argue that we live in an amoral age but every individual should have principles.
(v: Bachelors, Personal code of conduct)
ANAL SEX
Beloved of ex-English public school boys, particularly Old Etonians, some women find they can work this into their repertoire. It's also an ancient, though not fail-safe, method of contraception. If it's not your cup of tea, don't get too worked up about it. Simply apply the once in three rule and if you still don't like it you are allowed to say 'no'.
ANGELOU, MAYA [ICON]
'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'
ANGER
'I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.'
– 'A POISON TREE', WILLIAM BLAKE
We could all benefit from cultivating an authentic voice for ourselves. We need to learn to express real feelings at work, with friends, in love, toward our children.
Of course, getting explosive in a situation isn't impressive. Rage has a childlike quality about it, so, while in the short term you may have a feeling of release, in the medium to long term nobody respects you for it.
No one wants to bottle resentment up. People become confused by your passivity and lose respect for you, cf. Lady Bertram in Mansfield Park. Dates slip through your hands and lazier friends take advantage.
Assertiveness is about recognizing that you are entitled to certain things. So be confident in expressing your feelings or views while respecting that other people have them too. Get it right, and you'll be able to pole-vault over the whole anger thing altogether, while getting a little more of your own way some of the time, which, after all, is only fair but don't forget that righteous anger, if justified, can be extremely liberating too.
(v: Boxing)
ANIMAL PRINTS
The rules are: leopard skin for fat days; zebra for bags, belts and shoes; snakeskin for cuffs and collars…We could write a sonnet to the sheer joy that is the animal print. Never out of fashion probably because they're never strictly in, animal prints always look chic even when they're retro.
No doubt our fascination is rooted in our primitive selves. We may atavistically associate animal prints with animal characteristics. In African tribal societies, the skin of a lion is worn to imbue a warrior with that particular animal's fabled characteristics.
There are sartorial rules, of course, especially if you don't want to look like a mini-me Rod Stewart. Keep it to one key piece (coat, shoes or scarf). Remember the only color that really works with animal prints is black, although we would very occasionally make an exception for leopard skin with a splash of red or pink.
And these days–unless you live in Outer Siberia–there is absolutely no excuse for buying the real thing. The new fakes are so fabulous they scream haute couture.
(v: Scarfology)
ANNOYING WOMEN WHO LIKE FOOTBALL
There is an ever-increasing trend in women who pretend to like football in an effort to bond with their 'man'. This involves donning football jerseys, going to football games and drinking pints down at the pub. It's irritating because it feels so forced. Eventually these women stop having to pretend to like football and actually do like football. This smacks of Pavlov's dog.
APOLOGIZING
If you have behaved badly you need to apologize. Whether you have been irritable to somebody at work, overreacted to something a friend or partner has said, or shouted at your children just for the sake of it, however hard it feels and however resentful you feel about doing it (because of course it's always nicer to be right), you should make amends. They will feel better. You will feel better and although this may seem counterintuitive, because some people will only respond to iron will, cf. Barack Obama/Osama bin Laden, surely, ultimately people will love and respect you for doing it. It is particularly important that your children learn from you in this regard. Everybody has arguments, it's your ability to make a good peace that marks you out as a functioning person.
(v: Family therapy, It seemed like a good idea at the time)
ARMS
The punctuation marks of our body: to hug, to hold, to stop, to seize, to embrace. The arms can be all things to all people and we express ourselves constantly through a huge variety of movements. They show excitement, fear and love. They carry and work for us. They hold food and our babies, and are, very often, strangely ignored. A beautiful, well-toned arm is very sexy, and light work with weights and regular swimming will deliver results. However, if you do have a tendency of bingo wings, a forgiving cropped sleeve will do the trick.
To say nothing, of course, of the elegant and serene port de bras in ballet, meaning literally 'the carriage of the arms', where the aim is to be graceful, poised and seamless at all times. Love your arms.
(v: Boxing, Frocks, Pilates)
(AN) ARRANGEMENT
Who'd have known it? The arrangement is back in vogue. Does it mean many marriages that have hit the rocks could have trolleyed on if there had been a French-style/1940's 'arrangement' in place?
The definition of an arrangement is having a guy dangling around and then meeting him every few weeks for an elegant dinner or some seriously good sex (occasionally both). Think more Graham Greene than F. Scott Fitzgerald.
So, an arrangement means not getting hot under the collar, hysterically needy or sad. You are both just enjoying each other's company and having a good time. It's grown-up, very cool and you don't gossip about it or get demanding. It just is. Plus, it can continue for ages because there is no melodrama attached–that's a double plus.
(v: Affairs, Camiknickers, Cinq à sept)
(THE) ART OF MAKEUP
Less is more where makeup is concerned, and it's great skin that counts. That said, a good concealer popped on the inner corner of the eyes and around the reddish area of the nose is an excellent idea. Eyeliner inside the lashes defines the eye, as does a cat flick on the outside edge of the eye.
Lipstick–many wouldn't leave home without it. Keep key items of makeup in your handbag at all times and reapply. Foundation is good for parties where, if you're lucky, you might find yourself getting a bit hot and bothered.
(v: False eyelashes, Lipstick)
ASTROLOGY
Astrology…a tricky one this. Especially, if like us, you love reading astrologers in newspapers and magazines, but wonder, quite simply, do they just rehash the same stuff, e.g. is Taurus interchangeable with Scorpio?
Of course, planetary action is always appealing, particularly when the likes of Dr. Who are involved, and it naturally feels even more plausible if your astrological reading is super-positive. But, does it really help in the long run?
Perhaps closer to the truth is that we are all looking for a little bit of hope and positivity in our lives. So if you read for the forty-seventh time that 'today you might attend a party or group event with some friends', we suggest you look into the following alternatives instead:
(v: Chocolate, Comfort zone, Soothsayers)
AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID, I WAS PETRIFIED
If you suspect a obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder (OCD) in yourself, or other people, you need to know that its main feature is that masses of time are spent on useless and futile tasks, i.e. washing your hands, checking that the oven is off or that the door is properly locked, in the vain and probably unconscious hope that these actions will help diminish worry or distress. They do not and they will not and, of course, the endless participation in repetitive and excessive anxieties begins to compound the problem because you are too busy cleaning the bathroom to face up to the reasons why you are anxious in the first place. If you are displaying any of these symptoms get help as soon as possible.
(v: Allergies)
ATHILL, DIANA [ICON]
'I'd been in love and thought I was going to end up happily married with children–a very simple wish, but I'd failed to make it and that was more spirit weakening than I realized. When I got rid of it in my early forties by writing it out, it was like a new life. I felt like a new person and I've felt like that ever since.'
AUNTS
Nowadays as the result of the extended family and the close ties between female friends (sometimes closer than those between sisters), anybody can be an 'aunt'. Aunts as evoked by P. G. Wodehouse and Roald Dahl are hopefully a thing of the past. Whether you are blood related or not, an aunt can have a special status in a woman's life. An aunt's role is necessarily fluid. From a mother's point of view, an aunt is probably a friend whom she can entirely trust, who shares her values and will take over, temporarily, if she needs help with childcare or the going gets tough. From a child's perspective, an aunt is somebody who is really good fun for adventures and treats and mini-breaks to Euro Disney. For an aunt, it is fun to be part of a family but not have to be there every day.
(v: Babies, Childfree, Godmothers, Teenagers)
