BABIES (YOUR OWN OR OTHER PEOPLE'S)
"Every child begins the world again."
– WALDEN, HENRY DAVID THOREAU
"Father asked us what was God's noblest work. Anna said men, but I said babies. Men are often bad, but babies never are."
– Louisa May Alcott
Babies are some of the most joyous and life-enhancing people you'll ever get to meet. If you haven't got one of your own try and make sure that you spend proper time with other people's. If you are a new godmother make the most of that connection–if an exhausted friend needs help, support and babysitting, offer! Babies may not be able to speak but they recognize familiar faces and babies and young children remember somebody who takes a genuine interest in them.
BABY DYKES
'Girls who are boys, who like boys to be girls, who do boys like they're girls, who do girls like they're boys.' Fashion has celebrated dyke chic, with boots and biker jackets, scrubbed faces and urchin crops. Certainly the new generation of early twenty-somethings no longer need to define themselves as straight or gay, and it's perfectly acceptable not only to be unsure, but to be neither. Diehard card-carrying feminists with dangly earrings may worry about the lack of sexual politics–but frankly it's a hell of a lot better than our teenage years when to be called a 'lesbo' in the school corridor induced a hot blush of shame.
One fine day how you dress will say nothing about who you take to bed (hurrah). And frankly no one will care, but in the meantime increasing sexual choice for women empowers everybody.
(v: Lesbian bed death)
BACHELORS (COMMITTED, TOXIC OR OTHERWISE)
Rather like 'war' what are they actually good for? The answer is that they have many uses but you must promise one thing, don't for even one nanosecond fantasize, contemplate or think that they will break the habit of a lifetime and fall in love with you and want to marry you. You have been warned. Now to practical matters: it is very helpful to have a few bachelors in your little black book; they specialize in being charming and fun at dinner parties; they may, if it suits them (selfishness is a ubiquitous quality among this particular demographic), agree to escort you to a frightening social event; sometimes they can be a friend with benefits and that's good for your health if nothing else, and presumably because they don't have children of their own (or none they'll admit to), they are often extraordinarily sweet with other people's. This can occasionally begin to melt your heart but don't let it. Long-term bachelors can become very good friends indeed, but be realistic and be compassionate too, it may look as if they are having a lot of carefree fun but they are plowing a lonely furrow.
(v: Boundaries, Complete wankers, Little black book, Narcissus)
BAD BOYS
'I want guitar heroes and boys who were raised on the streets by wolves. Atilla the Hun is my basic dream lover.'
– STORY OF MY LIFE, JAY MCINERNEY
(v: Caveman moment)
BAD HABITS
It's easy to spot other people's and very hard to own up to your own. Some bad habits are simply revolting, e.g. picking scabs off your legs or cutting your toenails in public places, and you will be judged accordingly. Others, such as interrupting other people while they are talking, are commonplace and they can really piss people off. Weirdly, the bad habits that you find in others are sometimes the bad habits you can't see in yourself and it may take a friend or lover to point them out to you. Accept their comments gracefully.
(v: Affairs, Cocktails, Dipsomania)
BALLOONING WEIGHT
For health reasons, among many others, nip it in the bud while you can.
(v: Boxing, Carbohydrates, Climacteric, Comfort zone, Diets, Eat your greens, Trampolining, Waist)
BANANA
The handbag essential. An instant energy boost, and rich in tryptophan–one of the twenty common amino acids that make up all proteins–which the body converts into serotonin, known to make you more relaxed and happy. And can we just applaud the brilliant no-waste packaging?
(v: Eat your greens, Fruit)
BEAUTY
'I go to bed early. I meditate. I eat all the correct foods. I don't smoke or drink, and I believe with a passion in myself. You can only beat nature when you show the bitch who's boss.'
– MAE WEST
It is said that before the age of 40 you have the face that God gives you and after 40 the face that you deserve. What is clear is that no amount of money or surgery can give you that inner glow that comes with the combination of self-acceptance, secret confidence and a general connection to the national grid of love and happiness. A dash of quiet spirituality doesn't go amiss either.
(v: Beauty industry, Bien dans ta peau, Eat your greens, Facial acupuncture, Secret confidence)
(THE) BEAUTY INDUSTRY
The global cosmetics, toiletries and fragrance industry is worth $9 billion and an average woman might spend $200,000 on beauty products in her lifetime.
Anti-aging is the holy grail of the beauty industry. It is the promise in the pot, the elixir of youth where the 'appearance of fine lines may diminish', albeit temporarily and with them a great deal of cash. Often the domain of psychobabble and pseudoscience, it's a question of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Moisturizing, massaging, exercising your face and controlling lymphatic drainage are key. Much of the beauty industry, ironically, is antiwomen in that it trades on insecurities and low self-esteem.
Make sure your face is your fortune and not theirs.
(v: Facial acupuncture, Facial exercises)
BEDS
You want the best bed you can afford, the larger the better, especially if you've got kids. Preferably one with a mattress cobbled together by fairies with extra fluff and some stardust sprinkled on top, though do watch out for the odd, strategically placed pea. However, if you are partner- or child-free you can just make the most of your bed and spread out–you should sleep beautifully.
Ideally, beds should have fresh sheets weekly and be aired daily. We also really like the rather retro 'bolster', which is great for reading in bed. If cash is tight there are plenty of cheap options. Trawl the small ads for secondhand beds, although buy a new mattress to avoid bedbugs. You can paint a wooden frame and create amazing valances with vintage fabric, or chintzy old curtains. Garage sales are usually piled high with cheap sheets, pillowcases and old curtains. It simply doesn't matter if it's not all 'matchy matchy'. The featherbed is possibly the most scrumptious (and relatively new) bed accessory on the market. It is a great fat ploofy layer of fluff that you fold over the mattress before putting the sheets on. All very dreamy and comfy and bouncy. So much so that you may decide to stay in bed all day, and who could blame you?
(v: Insomnia)
BEING BORING
We're against it.
(v: Bores)
BENDERS
Sometimes in life you just have to let go. Going on a bender is traditionally seen as a male preserve but increasingly women are doing it too. Sometimes benders creep up on one. You know, the promise of a quick drink with a friend at the end of work turns into a big night out, or a Friday night out with mates turns into a very long, alcohol-fueled weekend (occasionally culminating in eating tripe, shoeless, in a workman's café at 5 a.m. on a Monday morning).
A great bender is a holiday from real life: a spontaneous way of marking the end of a relationship, a divorce or to celebrate a landmark birthday. It's often a rite of passage for friends, male and female, confidences are exchanged, relationships consolidated and the unspoken rule is, as a mark of your deepening respect and love for one another, that whatever your various states of disrepair nobody's going to remind you of your extravagant pole dancing in a downtown dive bar. Or maybe just a little bit…
In fact, a key feature of a bender is that you probably won't remember anything when you wake up, you may well have lost a number of your belongings and you may end up in a hotel room, though not necessarily the one that you had booked for yourself the previous evening. However, fragments of memory will begin to return during the course of the morning and you will probably find yourself looking into the mouth of hell. You may discover that drunk-dialing and a toxic bachelor or two have entered the mix, which is the point where regret, self-doubt and paranoia begin to creep in. The two solutions are either to butch it out at work or go to bed. Relief will finally come at about 7 p.m. when the miasma begins to lift. You can, of course, attempt to guard against all these things–eat carbohydrates before you go out; drink a glass of water after every glass of champagne; appoint a drink monitor; only take one credit card with you, and so on and so forth–but look into your heart and ask yourself truthfully and honestly whether such an evening really counts as a bender?
(v: Alcohol, Booty calls, Booze, Breaking the rules, Cocktails, Dipsomania, Drunk-dialing, It seemed like a good idea at the time, Make the most of it, Regrets)
BEREAVEMENT
'Where grief is fresh, any attempt to divert it only irritates.'
– SAMUEL JOHNSON
'This is not the time to repress your feelings. Allow yourself to go mad as you like.'
– NICHOLAS ARDIZZONE
(v: Age of grief, Counseling, Grief, Loss, Therapy)
BE WARM
Happy people aren't especially lucky or beautiful but they connect well to others and as a result they tend to have rich personal relationships. In adolescence we assume nihilism is cool. But as you get older, warmth becomes a seriously hot property. Stop worrying whether people will find you weird and intense. Other people are generally nicer than you think. And if they're not? Your goodwill combined with good behavior is the best form of body armor.
If you insist on maintaining your ice-cold froideur you will eventually become an empty fridge. If you reach an understanding that it doesn't matter what people think about you then you have become entirely free.
(v: Secret confidence)
BE WELL INFORMED
There is no excuse not to be. The radio, newspapers, websites or well-chosen periodicals, such as Newsweek, will keep you up to date. It's important to take a view on politics but remember to change the subject if it looks as though your radical views on Sarah Palin, global warming and politics look set to ruin somebody else's beautifully organized dinner party.
(v: Good stuff that's free, Libraries, the Queen)
(THE) BFF
'A friend is, as it were, a second self.'
– CICERO
Your BFF, usually but not always, is the closest thing you have to family without being family: she is the person you can be most honest to; she is utterly trustworthy; never judgmental, she is the keeper of your innermost dreams and desires. Although she may from time to time point you in the right direction and administer a necessary pep talk, she is also the best of fun and you can literally spend days at a time talking on the phone or chatting on the beach. If you don't spend enough time with your BFF, because of the demands of family and work, you will miss her enormously but once you are together again it's as though she has never been away. It is also the mark of a BFF that she never really makes demands. If this sounds too idyllic, prepare for the occasional twinge of irritation, that's a reality, but also recognize that you quite simply can't imagine life without her and celebrate that fact.
(v: Catching the bouquet, Pep talk from a fiery redhead)
BIEN DANS TA PEAU
This charming French expression is true, elegant and simply means 'to feel happy in one's skin'. If you are bien dans ta peau, you are not self-conscious, or mirror grabbing or in need of constant flattery.
(v: Flow)
BIG BABIES
'Oh give me a break' is the battle cry of those who have the onerous task of having to deal with a 'big baby' on a regular basis. This could be your lover, your darling child, your BFF or a colleague at work. Big babyism has no regard for age or gender. Warning signs are that they moan constantly. The big baby (and this is the really irritating bit) makes an absolute meal of helping anybody else out, to the point where they become no help at all and quite simply you wish you hadn't asked them in the first place. A big baby is also perennially moody and basically just way too delicate for modern life. Have we striven so hard to free ourselves from the shackles of a patriarchal society to have to put up with such nonsense? The answer is NO. The solution is DON'T DO IT. So to all you BBs out there, 'Spare us the labor pains and, quite frankly, grow up!'
BIRTHDAYS
They come and they go, and they come again. Taking a fluid attitude to your own is probably the best idea, as life changes, and with it your ideals.
(v: Little bit of what you fancy does you good)
BITCHES AND HOS
For heaven's sake! Where has this ridiculous kind of chat come from? The pointy finger turns toward rap music, but loads of men and, sad to say, a few women–whatever their economic circumstances or the color of their skin–have jumped on this pernicious bandwagon. Stop it now!
(v: Caveman moment)
BLAIZE, IMMODESTY
(v: Confidence, Role models)
BLAME
Blame becomes increasingly ugly as one gets older, and there is something rather forlorn about a grown woman still blaming her parents. Either park it in the long-term car park and throw away the keys or, if you still feel weighed down by burning resentments stemming from childhood experiences, the time has to come to take responsibility for them yourself and go to see a therapist. Long-term grievances should not be allowed to fester. Also, it is surely, unless grotesque abuse has taken place, the place of the grown-up child to smooth the path for aging parents. Olive branches can grow anywhere, especially with global warming. Start cultivating your olive grove now. The ability to forgive is one of the greatest of all human qualities.
(v: Big babies)
BLOGGING
Gives you a voice and a presence in a very noisy world. From Julie Powell who cooked all of Julia Child's recipes (immortalized in the film, Julie & Julia) to sexpert Belle de Jour, a micro-blog can become a global hit. You may even get paid-for advertising. But remember the male blogosphere can be bruising. Ignore the trolls!
BLOOM
'The day came when the wish to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.'
– ANA?S NIN
(v: Rain)
BLOW-DRIES
A blow-dry is not a replacement for a good haircut but it can lift morale faster than a large glass of wine. It's a good idea to have several salons on speed dial for a last-minute appointment. And shop around. A blow-dry can cost anything from $20–$80 but think ahead, it may not be worth paying a small fortune for a senior stylist if you're going to go swimming tomorrow.
(v: Necessary vanity, Secret confidence)
BLOW JOBS
'Do as you would be done by' is our motto here. It's also terribly good for the cheek muscles, ladies, and some people claim that it can trigger the start of labor. Do keep it up!
(v: Childbirth)
BLUEBERRIES
Possibly the ultimate super-food. Many nutritionists believe that if you make only one change to your diet, add blueberries. Bake them in muffins, snack on them at your desk to beat sugar cravings…Keep a bag in the freezer, so you always have some on hand.
Just 100g (4oz) of blueberries contains the same amount of age-defying antioxidants as five servings of most other fruit and vegetables. To remind you: antioxidants help guard against a range of cancers, heart disease, asthma and age-related neurological diseases. They do this by preventing infectious bacteria from clinging to the wall of the gut, bladder and urethra. Blueberries also offer protection against cystitis.
High in vitamin C and a good source of fiber, blueberries contain a compound, pterostilbene, which acts to protect the heart in the same way as cholesterol-lowering drugs. They also contain anthocyanins, which give blueberries their blue color.
Blueberries contain polyphenols, which combat the effects of free radicals, a key cause of wrinkles, so they keep skin looking younger for longer. They also help the body to make collagen, which keeps skin supple.
It's good to eat lots of red or blue plants (watermelon, cranberries, bilberries, grapes, prunes) that contain anthocyanins–many new cutting-edge beauty products contain them because of their cell-protective powers.
While we are on the subject, look out for makeup containing an ingredient called Purpulyn, which has anti-aging benefits. It is found in blueberries and also in plants such as dark tulips and black orchids.
(v: Banana, Detox, Eat your greens, Super-foods)
BLUES
The blues have a special quality that is different from depression, grief or all around low spirits. They are characterized by weepiness, flashes of intense sadness and the feeling that one is secretly unable to cope. They can be triggered by a variety of things, both small and large: remembrance of things past; the passing of the seasons; a dear friend moving to live abroad; sheer tiredness; the intense hormonal changes that can come with the birth of a baby; the prospect of a family event; but whatever the trigger it is worth taking them a little bit seriously. Vitamins, exercise, a good night's sleep, cutting out alcohol for a bit, a brilliant and engrossing book, the companionship of old friends can all help to combat the blues. From a creative point of view, happiness writes white, while some of the best poems and songs in history have been inspired by a good dose of the blues.
(v: Babies, Depression, Winter)
BLUESTOCKING
Is the term given to women of an academic bent who, in theory, will never compromize their intellectual standards. If this sounds too severe the name implies an undercurrent of something more vibrant and more sexual. History tells us that the bluestocking emblem dates back to 1400 Venice where erudite men and women of the moment met at the society Compagnie della Calza to discuss culture and politics. However, it was not until 1750 that an upper-class, London-based cultural milieu founded a similar society. This was greeted with delight from some, and a fair amount of derision from one or two disgruntled husbands. But the society and then the term "bluestocking" stuck. In an age where the modern media tells us that it is impossible to be both pretty and clever (if you are, you will be punished accordingly) do remind yourself to wear your bluestockings with pride.
BOBBY PIN
When you're feeling at your most dreary, never underestimate the transformative power of the bobby pin. It can make you look and feel ten years younger and its slightly retro style makes it perfect if you are wearing vintage.
(v: Vintage)
BODY MANAGEMENT
'Many young girls are constantly consumed by controlling and managing their body image to the extent that they are much more involved in the production of the self than in living.'
– SUSIE ORBACH
BOLT-HOLE
This might be a palace, a wattle-daubed cottage, a teeny beach hut on a windswept shore, a spare bedroom or even a garden shed, but it's your kingdom and yours alone, where you can grab a bit of peace and quiet and gather your thoughts. Or not. Sometimes just a little light gazing out of the window does the trick. Women, in-between work and home, are not granted much personal space, so your only option may be to grant it to yourself. If you are of an arts and crafts bent, have fun doing up your bolt-hole and making it your own. It's somewhere where you can finish that book, write poetry, or simply read the newspaper. Somewhere where you can just 'take five'.
(v: Beach huts, Embroidery, Going to Prison, Infinite vistas, Poetry, Studio)
BOMBSHELLS
Pulled up, pushed in, and generally shaken all about, the Bombshell is a name given to a drop-dead gorgeous siren. Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot is the benchmark. It is also the name for the ubiquitous cocktail dress, which can cover an absolute multitude of sins and dress you up like a knickerbocker glory. You need nothing more than a cardigan and a pair of pumps to go with it and you're away. With ruched paneling and a sort of superstructure that would have made newspaper magnate Howard Hughes, who among other things designed the ultimate bra for Jane Russell, green with envy, every Dangerous Woman about town needs at least one or even two of these babies in her wardrobe.
(v: Body management, Frocks)
BONES
Plenty of sunshine, lots of exercise, as well as calcium in the form of milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt, oily fish, sardines, salmon, tuna, spinach.
(v: Exercise, Knees)
BOOBS
Voluptuous curves are back. And people really do love a proper bosom. It's one of life's pleasures. Women probably spend even more time admiring them than men.
Of course, it helps that the current rise of tailored shifts, corsets and stockings are so flattering to curvy birds, and it's wonderful that the days of La Dolce Vita, when women were supposed to have milky white globes spilling over their dresses are, gloriously, back. The French have a lovely phrase for it too: 'Elle a tout le monde dans le balcon' (she has everyone in the balcony). But how does one dress the breasts? Or rather, how low should you go?
It's so easy to make a sartorial faux pas with cleavage. Party frocks with a daring neckline can look very good on the hanger, but get it wrong and everything goes into freefall. You need to understand structure. The perfect breasts are pert not pendulous. So think in 3D, and sort out the bras, and/or the corsets to go with each frock. Too much cleavage can make the difference between being perceived as a gorgeously sexual human being and a cartoon slapper. For those of us over the age of 35 there are clear rules for exposing skin. Make sure you're well supported, avoid slashed to the waist affairs (tit tape doesn't work), never wear a crossover neckline (you get that awful crêpey crease), and don't expose too much leg if breasts are on show.
But not everyone has to do boobs. If you are a flat chester, enjoy revealing toned shoulders–the new erogenous zone, cf. the Duchess of Cambridge and Michelle Obama.
(v: Bras, Creative corsetry, Curves)
BOOTY CALLS
You may or may not have been on the receiving end of a booty call but it works like this. It's about 10 p.m. You are planning to have an early night when your phone goes. It's a bloke who you have met once or twice, you may even have slept with him. He is sitting in the pub with some friends and he is a little bit drunk. The conversation is genial but the meaning is clear, he wants to have sex. So far so good but the tricky part of all of this is, do you? If you are confident and ready to throw caution to the wind, put on a pair of clean knickers, jump into a cab and make the connection, or is it going to be a firm 'no' and a cup of hot milk and early bed? It's a difficult one and much depends on how you are feeling about yourself. If the answer is confident and sexy and up for anything, then go for it while taking the necessary precautions. However, if you are feeling in any way miserable, vulnerable or lonely, turn your phone off, put on your fluffy slippers and reach for your battered copy of Gone with the Wind.
The good news is that our survey shows that if you want to make a booty call yourself you will have a 99.9% success rate. It's great to know that in the battle of the sexes women sometimes have the upper hand.
(v: Alcohol, Drunk-dialing, It seemed like a good idea at the time, Mercy fuck, Regrets)
BOOZE
(v: Alcohol, Ballooning weight, Booty calls, Champagne, Cocktails, Diets, Dipsomania, Drunk-dialing, Grappa, Martini, Quests)
BOREDOM
'…that state of suspended animation in which things are started and nothing begins, the mood of diffuse restlessness, which contains that most absurd and paradoxical wish, the wish for a desire.'
– ADAM PHILLIPS
BORES
'Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.'
– GEORGE ELIOT
'Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.'
– OSCAR WILDE
We all know one or two bores and if you are becoming one yourself we suggest you snap out of it sharpish, although, of course, a key characteristic of being a bore is that you don't know you are one.
An atypical bore is somebody who collars you at a jam, and then does something unutterably rude, such as grill you about what A levels you took when you are trying to laugh and drink a martini. A bore is somebody who doesn't realize that a party is for amusing chitchat, and that it is everybody's duty to be a little bit up and light and amusing. If in trouble with a bore, courtesy dictates that you talk to them for a long five minutes but then you can make your excuses pronto and dart off to the loo, or pretend that you have to go outside and make a call. Chances are there will be smokers out there and they are usually much more fun.
(v: Guests, Walking away)
BOTOX
To Botox or not to Botox, that is the question. Most women spend 90% of the time saying they wouldn't have Botox and then when they meet somebody who has had it done they have a panicky ten minutes wondering whether they should go ahead themselves.
An alternative is facial acupuncture, which was used as a beauty tool for hundreds, if not thousands, of years by the empresses of China. Practitioners claim that facial acupuncture stimulates collagen production, helps minimize the appearance of fine lines, reduces the depth of deeper lines and improves skin tone, but whereas Botox freezes muscles this form of treatment can stimulate and revitalize them.
Facial acupuncture also reviews and addresses the internal reasons for poor skin or premature aging by stimulating the function of organs such as the heart and the liver and helping to improve digestion. Patients report additional medical benefits, including a resurgence of energy and improvements in circulation. It's well worth investigating as an alternative to the dreaded cosmetic surgery.
(v: Necessary vanity)
BOUNCING BACK
The ability to draw a line underneath an unhappy event and move on is the thing to aim for.
(v: Bereavement, Depression, Despair, Grief, I don't)
BOUNDARIES
Boundaries can encompass personal space, emotional vulnerability, legal rights, or simply the right not to let anybody else use your toothpaste. Strong boundary setting is seen as a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. People who are very good at setting boundaries are often confused with people who are just very good at getting their own way by those who are not very good at setting boundaries. But if in doubt make a list of the behaviors of those around you that are repetitive, intrusive and get you down, e.g. interrupting while you are on the phone, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, smoking weed in the living room or not taking their turn to put out the garbage, and decide to do something about it. People don't like changing so be prepared to face criticism, anger and possibly even derision–but don't be derailed. Keeping calm while remaining assertive and polite, but at the same time sticking to your guns, is what boundary setting is all about.
(v: Anger, Codependency, Taboos)
BOYFRIENDS
It's nice having a boyfriend but it's not essential to your happiness.
BOY TOYS
'How absurd and delicious it is to be in love with somebody younger than yourself. Everybody should try it.'
– BARBARA PYM
Up to a point. You should be aware that there is nothing more grim than a woman of a certain age trotting about with someone who looks like a nephew or a male au pair. Yes, we hear you cry. Men can do it so what the hell? True. But more often than not these guys are trophy buffers or tax-dodging exiles from their country of origin, signing very large checks for pneumatic women who have to fake orgasm. And pity the doll who is caught with the fella who looks like her son's best friend. The likelihood is that in the short term it may put the va back into your va-va-voom. But the upkeep is exhausting and suggests a battleship-load of maintenance just to keep yourself in the frame. In the long run, it's all a bit of regional soap opera as opposed to Tender Is the Night.
BOXING
Traditionally associated with the male of the species, after Million Dollar Baby came along it became commonplace to see women boxing at the gym. It may not suit all of us, but it turns out that boxing can be fun. It's a focused way of releasing aggression (or, in turn, discovering it) in a safe environment. It is also particularly good for core strength, upper arms, busts and, very importantly–waists. Check out what your local gym has to offer boxing-wise: either one-on-one or a boxing class. If you discover that you enjoy it, invest in a good pair of boxing gloves. You don't have to 'enter the ring' to reap the benefits, but it's pleasing to know that, if necessary, your right hook is up to scratch.
(v: Ballooning weight, Helen Mirren, Waist)
BRAS
According to the experts, we've nearly all got it wrong in the brassiere department. Apparently 76% of the female population wear ill-fitting bras every day and probably have drawers full of wrong 'uns. The most common mistake is to buy a bra with too big a back and too small cuppage. This can be dire as it pushes the bosom outwards as opposed to inwards.
Sadly, we have also discovered that even weight changes will not help you remold the bosom. So it's simple. Get a fitting! Most good stores offer this service. If you are over 35 invest proper money in two good bras. We promise you won't regret it.
(v: Boobs, Creative corsetry, I can't afford to buy cheap)
BRAZILIAN
'It's the leaf around the flower, the lawn around the house. You have to love hair in order to love the vagina.'
– THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, EVE ENSLER
(v: Hairiness, Pornification)
BREAST-FEEDING
We are not going to go into the practicalities but it's clearly important and fulfilling to breast-feed if you can–sixteen weeks is a good target. However, if you can't, and there are myriad reasons why it may not be possible, don't beat yourself up about it. What a baby needs most is a calm mother who is getting enough sleep, not an exhausted and strung-out harpy angsting about whether her baby is getting enough milk or when the World Health Organization says it's the right time to start weaning. There are plenty of well-balanced strapping young men (and women) brought up on formula milk and tinned chocolate pudding to prove the point.
(v: Allergies, Babies, Boobs, Implants)
BROTHERS
You can feel incredibly close and familial with your brothers when you see them but at the same time also very far away. They are, after all, blokes and as soon as childhood is left behind their daily concerns and interests may be very different from yours. Once they have steady girlfriends or settle down with a partner or wife you will have to make every effort to include his partner as that may be a vital route through which to remain connected to your brother.
However, although you may not talk to your brothers every day they can play a very important role in your life and you in theirs. They can help you think like a man, particularly in matters of the heart. They can tell it to you straight when others cannot (after all, they know you very well indeed). They can offer measured advice in a way that an overcontrolling overanxious father may not be able to do and they can offer insight and support if you find yourself alone bringing up teenage boys. In the long term, a good relationship with brothers, indeed with all your siblings, is vital if you find that you have to make diffcult decisions about the care of elderly parents. Much depends on whether you actually like each other beyond loving each other and to a certain extent that is in the lap of the gods.
(v: Family therapy, Teenagers, Think like a man)
BULLYING
Bullying is generally associated with childhood and adolescence but adults can bully people too. Bullies are generally people who at some level feel insecure, overcompetitive, inadequate, intensely jealous of others and unloved, however successful they may or may not be. Bullies can just be copying others because they are too immature or too stupid to take an independent view themselves. However, if you are a victim of bullying all you can see in your oppressor is the tyrannical, manipulative, unpleasant aspects of his or her nature. It's deeply unpleasant and often very frightening. Sadly, bullying at work and at home is common, and mothers take note, if you face, and put up with, a barrage of criticism every day from your children you may well be being bullied. The first step is to confront the bully and set some boundaries about the future, but to do this you may need professional support.
(v: Boundaries, Codependency, Domestic violence, Sexual harassment)
BUNDLING
This is a term to describe going to bed with somebody who you probably quite fancy but in the event decide by mutual agreement not to have sex. You may cuddle and kiss and chat for a bit but then you bundle up together and go to sleep. But be warned, you may end up pissed off after all.
(v: Bachelors)
BYE-BYE BABY
Yes. This is tough. Yes it hurts but you have to be brave. When your children leave home, of course, you will feel the loss of the baby you fed on the hour, every hour and loved and hugged so much. You will probably spend several days, if not weeks, wandering round the house feeling like a giant electric socket without a plug and wondering, 'Where did the time go and what is left to me?'. You never stop being a parent. At the same time, mists clear, horizons beckon and you will discover a new independence.
(v: Adventure, Babies, Infinite vistas)
