CAMIKNICKERS
Our grandmothers knew what they were up to. Classic but sexy, comfortable, practical and flattering, camiknickers are a wardrobe essential. Buy them in light colors: cream, pale pink, violet blue and silver-grey…darker colors can be ageing, with the exception of red. Red camiknickers are particularly cheering in winter. If this sounds extravagant, see the glossary for e-shops that do an excellent and reasonably priced range. Camiknickers will cover lumpy bottoms, make thighs look trim and, most importantly, wearing them will give you secret confidence.
(v: Affairs, Cinq à sept, Creative corsetry, Secret confidence)
CANCELING CHRISTMAS
'Have a great Christmas, but only if you want to.'
– ROB RAYNER
It is okay to do this unless you have very young children. This time of year can be a very difficult and stressful and lonely time for many people. One way of getting around it is to volunteer to do charitable work and encourage your lazy parents to join in, i.e. helping the homeless, or deprived or traumatized children, or housebound old folk have some kind of Christmas. This means that you are doing something worthwhile, you will actually enjoy yourself and you are avoiding the hideous materialism that epitomizes the Christmas season. However, it has become increasingly fashionable to volunteer and so you may find your offer of help is turned down. Don't be downhearted as you are now entirely within your rights to fly to the nearest non-Christian country and stay there for some time, but do think about offering your services to a local charity in a more sustainable way in the New Year.
(v: Going to prison, Hell, Volunteering)
CANCER BUDDY
Cancer is virtually a pandemic in the Western world. The likelihood is that one in three of us will get some form of cancer during our lifetime and may even die of it. Breast cancer is the commonest form of cancer in women so you will probably know somebody who has it, has had it, or you may even be a sufferer yourself. The good news is that the treatment of breast cancer has been so broadly successful that the disease has been reclassified as a chronic illness rather than a life-threatening disease, but whichever way you look at it cancer is not fun and chemotherapy and radiotherapy can leave patients feeling more ill, more exhausted and more demoralized than when they were first given their diagnosis. Whether you are becoming a cancer buddy, or are looking for one, the job description is as follows:
This is not about you. However upset you are that your friend is ill you must put those feelings to one side and concentrate on your friend and her family.
A regular commitment to spending time looking after your friend is a nice offer. Don't just say I'll do anything to help, plan ahead and come up with a variety of suggestions–whether it's accompanying her to hospital while she undergoes chemotherapy, taking her to see a movie or simply suggesting a walk in the park on a sunny day. Let your friend choose.
Lovely surprise gifts such as flowers, scented candles or cozy bed socks will be greatly appreciated but don't forget practical tasks too. Offering to make a meal, clean the house (chemotherapy patients are very susceptible to infections), walk the dog, drive the car, or pick up the kids can be as blessed as a bottle of delicious scent.
Having cancer is boring. If your friend wants to talk about it ad infinitum it's fine but your job is to be cheerful, life-enhancing and try to normalize what can be a grave situation. It's important to inject some fun into the proceedings and if your friend is bedridden some good gossip can be very diverting indeed.
Be sensitive to the needs of her family and other friends. Don't monopolize your friend or take control of her life, requests or requirements, or, worst of all, become competitive with your friend's other cancer buddies. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just to leave a flask of soup by the door.
Remember to celebrate any good news your friend may receive, and there will be some in the course of treatment, even if the long-term prognosis isn't great.
You are allowed to feel sadness too but you need to take responsibility for this and process it at home.
(v: Hair loss, Hospital etiquette, Leaving the party, Making a will, Memory boxes, Ward wear)
CANDLES
In almost all faiths, votive candles are part of ritual observances. In modern times there is something incredibly cheering and festive, particularly in the depths of winter, about taking the time to light strategically placed candles around the house. The clutter disappears, ditto the cat hair, the peeling paintwork. You don't even have to wait until twilight falls, in Scandinavia candles are lit at any time of the day or night.
However, a word of warning. Candles–like cushions–are a girl thing. Men are baffled by them. And yes, you can have too many in a household. As columnist Julie Burchill hilariously observed, 'I bet you could prove with pie charts that the more scented candles a woman buys, the less orgasms/job security she has.' Ouch.
(v: Magic spells)
CAN'T
Or won't? 'There is no such word as can't.' If you ever find yourself saying, 'but I can't…', simply replace the phrase with 'I'll try', unless your personal safety is at risk or your actions will deeply hurt somebody you love. The results can be extraordinary.
(v: I don't)
CARBOHYDRATES
Nowadays it's socially acceptable to have a glass of wine or dabble in illicit substances but should one piece of bread pass your lips you know that you will be damned for all eternity.
Boring though it is to have to admit it, and although in theory we don't believe in dieting, ditching the carbs does help knock off the pounds. This basically means doing the Atkins, without doing the Atkins. Or doing a sort of Atkins, but with a tiny bit of carbs on the side. It still works.
Carbs are also addictive, so the less you eat them, the less you want them. This will help you keep the weight off once you have lost it. So let's reframe the idea of 'dieting' as 'slightly changing the way you eat' and we'll throw in some super-foods too for good measure. Why the hell not?
(v: Ballooning weight, Blueberries, Diets, Eat your greens, Going to prison, Waist)
CARS
It's less important if you live in a city but if you are single and want a car, you need to have a man who knows his carburetor who you can go to and wring your hands and say, 'Can you sort this out please, as I have to go away, ooh, and by the way I don't have much money'. It's counterintuitive feminism. The 'damsel in distress' is usually a very good turn where a jalopy is concerned, simply because men love to be macho and practical, and they also love to help out. This is the perfect conduit for their frustrations. Having said that, please don't forget to sign up with the Automobile Association or equivalent. If you discover that the aforementioned male doesn't know his carburetor from his callipers then the AAA will prove invaluable.
Many women bang on about cars being unnecessary, but they are vital if you want to visit friends in the country and/or have kids and generally buzz about the city not carrying a coat.
(v: Counterintuitive feminism, Taxis)
CASUAL SEX
An awful lot of moralistic drivel is written about casual sex. Ultimately it's your choice.
(v: Bachelors, Booty calls, Contraception, It's a gift, No sex before marriage, Twice is polite)
CATCHING THE BOUQUET
If 27 is the new 18 then the age limit for bridesmaids has risen exponentially. What was the preserve of tiny tots, your best friend from school, your sisters and virgins or at least the unmarried is now open to pretty much anyone of any age–not least your newly divorced godmother. So let's not be ageist about bridesmaiding. Choose the women, whatever their age, you love best to accompany you through the preparation for the profound ceremony of marriage and don't forget that nowadays no single woman is too old to catch the bouquet. However, if you feel you are really too elderly to totter down the aisle in peach chiffon behind your three-times-already married best friend you are allowed to say so.
(v: BFF, Wearing white dresses, Wedding cake)
CATNAPPING
Whether you are a cat, a master of the universe, a cockney sparrow or Spanish having a siesta, having a power snooze, having a little lie-down, taking a nap, taking forty winks, sleeping in the afternoon is one of the joys of life. It is restorative in every sense. An hour in the afternoon is worth about three hours sleep at night, and can take the edge off exhaustion, lift your spirits and prepare you for a long night out.
(v: Bolt-hole)
CATS
Forget clichés about elderly spinsters in shapeless housecoats with cat hair in the butter, cat owners are true sensualists. You get a graceful, tactile, independent admirer in four-legged form. Cats are pretty low maintenance: they don't mind you going out to work–and they do wonders for your physical and mental well-being. Relationships with cats are (largely) free of the psychological games inherent in human relationships. Pets don't have mood swings or meltdowns and they never talk back. They are great levelers. Plus, they're elegant. Cats are supergroomers–and never have a bad-hair day.
It's often better to get two kittens. They are company for each other and not much more expensive. Or, if you don't have time for rearing young cats, choosing an older, house-trained moggie from a pet rescue center is a great solution. Never give them embarrassing names (cats have their pride). And do invest in pet insurance from day one. Just make sure their dental bills aren't higher than yours!
(v: Blow-dries, Hope)
CAVEMAN MOMENT
We all have to admit to having a caveman moment from time to time. That swoony guy who could surely sling you over his shoulder, gather wood, make a fire and then go and kill something for dinner with no mucking about reading poetry to you either. Grr. The thing is, he is often quite cavemanish in other respects too. So after the initial swooning and OMG moments, you are left with, er, a caveman. We all love a hunk who can chop down a trunk but in the cold light of a twenty-first-century dawn we may decide we need other qualities in a man for a longer-lasting relationship.
(v: Bitches and hos, Fur,)
CHAMPAGNE
'I drink it when I'm happy
And when I'm sad.
Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.
When I have company I consider it obligatory.
I trifle with it if I'm not hungry
And I drink it when I am.
Otherwise I never touch it, unless I'm thirsty.'
– MADAME LILY BOLLINGER
Let's also raise a glass to the heroic Madame Clicquot Ponsardin who in 1805, aged 27, took over the company on her husband's death and developed the now ubiquitous Veuve Clicquot. How extremely clever and very progressive of her to use her widowhood to name and brand her champagne, restore her family fortunes and give so many people so much pleasure down the ages.
(v: Booze, Cocktails, Dipsomania, Drunk-dialing)
CHARM
Is a double-edged sword.
(v: Bachelors)
CHASTITY
It has become fashionable to opt for chastity as a way of protecting oneself from potential abuse and subsequent heartbreak at the hands of the hordes of emotionally inadequate men who roam our streets and frequent our parties. But you do have a choice, so exercise it.
Don't go to bed with a man who you know isn't going to be nice to you in the morning.
(v: Entering a convent, No sex before marriage)
CHEATING
In card games or life cheating has an underhanded quality that is deeply unattractive. It suggests a desire to win whatever the cost and an inability to respect fine qualities and genuine abilities in others. Cheats tend to be found out, cf. Lord Jeffrey Archer, Lord Conrad Black, Bernie Madoff, and are universally despised except by other cheats. Women tend to cheat with a little more style and a great deal more sex appeal, cf. M'Lady in The Three Musketeers and Mata Hari, and so we can forgive them almost anything.
(v: Poker)
CHESS
Alongside crossword puzzles and sudoku, chess exercises the functions of the junctions and stimulates the neural paths in one's brain. Allegedly this prevents Alzheimer's. It's probably worth a try.
CHILDBIRTH
Quite a lot of fuss is made about childbirth.
(v: Fertility, Five Element acupuncture, Pregnancy, Ward wear)
CHILDFREE
One in five women aged 45 is now childfree. Analysts suggest both men and women want to work and play harder for longer before settling down. For some, it's enough of a challenge to meet a significant other for cocktails and minibreaks, let alone think about rearing a child together, but the good news is that being childfree–a far more positive phrase than childless–is now quite socially acceptable.
There are a number of women who actively choose not to have children. They prefer to put their lover, their job and their freedom first and not everyone craves the traditional nuclear family or is automatically maternal.
If you don't have children, there is more time for holidays, parties, time-consuming hobbies and enduring friendships and the right to have fun–and yes, to be selfish–without apology. It's also increasingly seen as a green choice.
But it is still an issue of pain for many. Fertility is never a given, so smug parents please go gently, plus becoming childfree can creep up on you while you are busy doing other things. It isn't necessarily a conscious decision. It's hard to know exactly when you're grown-up enough to be a parent–or even to be in a committed relationship. Men, bless them, will always have a get-out clause but the risk for women of starting (or ending) relationships later in life is that you may find it's too late to sprog.
(v: Aunts, Babies, Quests, Termination)
CHOCOLATE
Handmade artisan chocolate is the new Chateauneuf-du-Pape. New waves of chocolatiers are cooking up extraordinary flavors–everything from chocolate with chili to pineapple confit with ylang-ylang–in their laboratories. It has become the grown-up dinner party gift of choice.
All of us deserve decent chocolate, but for those of you worrying about ballooning weight the mantra is eat less but eat better. A single, exquisite, jasmine-tea truffle is better value than a box of brand-name chocolates. The higher the cocoa content (70% plus is good), the less sugar and saturated fat it contains.
Chocolate gets bad press (mostly from men), but chocolate is also the reward you give yourself when life is going badly. It's the perfect way to cancel out a bad date, to calm a hangover or simply to grab supper on the run. Chocolate has amazing flavor and complexity, and it's the only form of nourishment that melts at body temperature. More emotion is invested in chocolate than any other foodstuff: it has a Proustian interplay with memory, perception and fantasy. It makes you friends and takes you out of yourself.
Chocolate can be deeply sexy too.
(v: Ballooning weight, Diet)
CHOIRS
Forget cabaret or stand-up, choirs are one of the best ways to meet new people. At the end of the evening you can all pile into the café or pub, you get to travel to performances and competitions, and you will learn to love being part of an ensemble, something bigger than yourself. And there is the sheer physical joy of singing.
Choirs are democratic. Every person brings a different dynamic to the group and the interaction between you–on a personal and social level–sets you apart from any other kind of band. It's the exact opposite of an X Factor audition. Memories of school choir practice might put you off, especially if you couldn't read sheet music and were asked to mime, but with the new 'indie' or 'scratch' choirs, it doesn't matter if you're not formally trained.
Communal singing is a powerful way to bond. With indie choirs, you don't have to turn up to millions of rehearsals. Often the call goes out via Facebook and what could be more human and more fun than a bunch of people shedding their ordinary lives to meet once a week to make music?
(v: Churches, Flow, Get out of a rut and get involved)
CHURCHES
Don't walk on by. Glorious stained glass windows. Total sanctuaries with spellbinding architecture. Curiously soothing haven to just drop by and take in. Pray to your God, whoever they may be. The welcome mat is always out.
(v: Choirs, Flow, Get out of a rut and get involved)
CIDER VINEGAR
A teaspoon in a cup of hot water is regarded by many as the absolute dream ticket to reboot and make you bright eyed and perky. Quaff on a twice-daily basis and true believers swear you will shrink and glow with good health.
(v: Climacteric, Diets, Skin)
CINQ à SEPT
The magic time between five and seven p.m. (as the phrase denotes) when lovers meet. The phrase was invented by Parisians. Moral concerns aside, by leaving work a little early you will still have enough time to make your assignation and then get home in order to shower, change and sit down to supper with your respective partners. You will discover too that afternoon sex has its own particular pleasures and rewards.
(v: Affairs, Arrangement, Creative corsetry, Twice is polite)
CLEANING
'Behind every immaculate house is a very dull person.'
– ANONYMOUS
Cleaning is both overrated and underrated. A little mess here and there, plus a couple of cobwebs, never did anybody any harm. However, if you want to create a bit of mental space there is nothing quite like a calm, well-ordered home.
(v: Allergies, Flow, Housework, Infinite vistas)
(TO) CLEANSE OR NOT TO CLEANSE
Choose a product gentle enough for your skin. You are trying to remove oil and retain water (moisture)–something too strong will dry your skin out and stimulate oil glands to produce more. The trick is to apply heat (a warm cloth) to your pores so oil can be melted otherwise it will stay under the first layer of skin–and you'll get spots.
Morning or night, a good dollop of cleanser massaged into your skin, in upward and outward circular movements, and removed with a warm muslin cloth leaves it clean and revived. The cloth helps gently exfoliate your skin's surface.
(v: Beauty industry)
(THE) CLIMACTERIC (MENOPAUSE)
Oceans has been written about this period of transformation in a woman's life and we provide some reading suggestions in the bibliography. Some people hardly notice 'the Change', for others it's a grueling and miserable experience that can come with huge physical discomfort and emotional upset. However, the key thing is to understand that it is not an illness and that an awful lot can be done to help if symptoms are acute. Diet and exercise can play their part and if you are contemplating hormone replacement therapy, we urge you to research bio-identical hormone replacement therapy instead.
(v: Contraception, Eat your greens, Fertility)
COCKTAILS
'One is perfect. Two is too many. Three is not enough.'
– JAMES THURBER
Cocktails are girl heaven, an escape from what Kingsley Amis once described as the three most depressing words in the English language, 'red or white'. Cocktails give confidence and class–and take the edge off a dull day or a difficult everything. There's always an excuse to sink a strawberry daiquiri with a girlfriend. It can be like starring in your own private film and there's a whiff of danger too. Cocktails were invented during Prohibition in the United States in the 1920s and drunk secretly in speakeasys.
Even today, the best bars remain discreet and the American TV series Mad Men has made cocktail drinking cool again. Back in fashion are strong-tasting spirits–bourbon, rye whiskey and gin–made using classic recipes with a modern twist. But don't be apologetic if you yearn for creamy concoctions with paper umbrellas and Carmen Miranda–style fruit garnishes. Long drinks can be better for the wallet–and the head.
Decor is crucial. Old-school sophistication is what you are looking for. Champagne bars at railway stations inspire childlike enthusiasm: but don't meet up on the day you're supposed to actually catch a train.
There are a few ground rules for the great last-minute cocktail fling. Dress up. Remember to eat or the waiters will regret letting you through the velvet rope. And do watch those rounds. Beauty comes at a price. You may be sitting in art deco heaven, but then most cocktails will start at a minimum of $15 each. And however much you are tempted, we really don't recommend drinking more than two or, at a stretch three, in one sitting–unless of course you are on a bender.
(v: Alcohol, Bad habits, Benders, Bombshells, Booze, Champagne, Dipsomania, Drunk-dialing)
CODEPENDENCY
A term that is bandied about a great deal, sometimes jokingly. However, it is worth understanding what it means and how it might be affecting you. Addiction is a family disease and codependents are people who find themselves in relationships with people who are alcoholic or drug dependent. There are over fifty varieties of addiction and while codependents may not be addicts themselves, there may be a family history of addiction. Codependents sometimes, though not always, have also suffered from some form of abuse or grievous loss at an early age that enables them to develop highly sophisticated coping mechanisms to face the world, but which overlay great suffering and vulnerability. To the outside world, codependents may appear to be highly functioning, successful and extremely charming, but secretly they can suffer from a crippling lack of self-worth and be super critical of themselves and others. In their efforts to keep control of the deteriorating family situation they find themselves in they may actually enable the addict in his or her addiction.
(v: Dipsomania)
COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY (CBT)
Is very à la mode in therapeutic circles and is a useful tool if you want to change repetitive and depressive thinking and destructive patterns of behavior. It's essentially about pressing the reset button.
(v: Depression, Visualization)
COLD SHOWERS
The infamous Scandinavian secret is the power shower, which jump-starts the system and makes you run like a Duracell bunny. Can and should become a serious habit.
(v: Skin)
COLOR
We rather took the mickey out of Color Me Beautiful image consultants at the time when it was launched but in retrospect it's an extremely useful tool. The sight of armies of students, office workers and shoppers clad in unrelenting funereal black is drab. So bring back the sixties and rock on flower power.
Popping colors can give you zing and totally alter your mood, as well other people's. Prints and tangerines are prettier to look at, full stop. Everybody has certain colors that really work with their shade of hair and skin tone, so it is worth finding out if it is turquoise, scarlet, violet, canary yellow or lime green that works for you. Color is a tonic all round. Not for nothing is shocking pink called the navy blue of India. If you can't say goodbye to darker tones, lighten up a charcoal grey cardigan with a dazzling scarf or a pair of red tights. We dare you.
(v: Bombshell)
COMFORT ZONE
'Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.'
– NEALE DONALD WALSCH [AUTHOR]
We all need to get out of our comfort zone. Getting damp and chilly is one of the best ways of making you feel alive. We spend far too much time grumbling about the weather while lurking in our cozy, heated office or home 'pods', where the worst thing that can happen is that a heel snaps. Getting on a horse, jumping in a river, rowing a boat, sleeping outdoors in a tent, these are all ways of getting back to basics and out of your comfort zone. Reaching a destination, cold and wet, after a hard and taxing journey, is lovely and will make you feel both challenged and proud. Even walking up the stairs to the office is, for many, a goal achieved. If you live in the country there is no excuse. If you are a city dweller, you still have access to parks, where all sorts of organized activities can be found, whether hiking, riding, rowing or bicycling. But whatever your plan, ensure there is a hot shower and a decent supper at the end of it.
(v: Adventure, Flow)
COMPANIONSHIP
'It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.'
– MARLENE DIETRICH
Companions are part of the joyous sense of our lives. They know what makes us tick and what makes us laugh and they travel alongside us. Romantic love can be selfish–'I want you alone'–while companionship means making the most of the time two people have, not just for being together, but togetherness.
The truth is companionship is just as important as sex. Ask most couples why they chose their life partner, and they'll most likely answer, 'We enjoy each other's company'. It is impossible to foresee what our interests and likes and dislikes will be twenty years down the road–people mature differently–but the true measure of companionship is one's ability to accept development and change in a friend or partner without feeling it threatens us in any way.
There is nothing worse than feeling 'uncompanionable'. It is arguably more upsetting than a lover's tiff. We take pride in our friends, pleased that they have chosen us and that we have chosen them. They 'get' us and reinforce our sense of self.
(v: BFF, Good husband material)
COMPLAIN
The service is bad. The food is revolting. The shop assistant is rude. Your face is puce, your heart is pounding, you feel resentful and you want to throw something through the window. Don't! Transfer the guilt back to the shop/service/annoying thing in hand, and merely ask, 'How can they make this up to me?'. Embellish naturally (a woman's prerogative), 'I bought this for my mother/It's my birthday/I'm going away tomorrow'…that sort of thing. One of the few upsides of the Big Brother age is that all companies are now hidebound by recorded conversations and fear bad press from even the most lowly of customers. So stay calm. Take control. Insist on speaking to a manager! Don't take it out on the ill-paid, powerless employee who has the awful task of trying to please you over the phone. Remember courtesy and good behavior at all times, but you do deserve that upgrade. Ask!
(v: Counterintuitive feminism, Good behavior)
COMPLETE WANKERS
Quite a rare beast but if you come across one of these men you will know instantly that you have. Their defining characteristic is that they have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Don't bother to argue with them, it's a waste of your extremely valuable time. Make your excuses and leave at the earliest available opportunity.
(v: Committed bachelors, Emergency exit, Narcissus)
CONDOMS
You know your options. In these days of snazzy new contraceptive devices (implants under the skin of your arm, indeed!), it's easy to overlook the simple, practical chic of the condom. Safe to use, they are cheap and easy to obtain.
Being prepared doesn't make you a slut. Carrying condoms shows a willingness to practice safe sex and shows respect for a partner's and your own sexual health. Stash a pack in your handbag and simply forget about them until needed. Do occasionally check that they are not expired.
Barrier contraception is key at any age because it not only protects you from unwanted pregnancies, but also from a number of very much unwanted STDs. It's important that you protect and survive especially if you are dating casually. Be assertive: you know what's best for your body so say exactly how you feel.
Don't let anyone sweet-talk you into having sex without a condom because 'it feels better'. Put bluntly: if it's not on–it's not in, and wave goodbye to that man if he tries to make life difficult.
(v: Contraception, It's a gift, STDs)
CONFIDENCE
'There's no mystery to confidence, it's just about self knowledge. It's savvy to know which of our flaws can be changed, and which ones to accept and let go. Then, making the best of the good points.'
– IMMODESTY BLAIZE [ICON]
It is the heart of the matter. If you are genuinely confident you remain unflustered about what other people think of you, are interested in the outside world, can be open about your feelings, but are not seeking approval from others.
(v: Bien dans ta peau, Necessary vanity, Secret confidence)
CONTAINER GARDENS
All you need is outside space–anything from a window box to a balcony or a yard, where you can have planters and troughs. The more low maintenance the better.
There's no point in having anything that you will under- or overwater or will be kicked up by boys, dogs or footballs. No fragile blooms. No succulents. Stick to drought-resistant plants.
The joy of a container garden is that if there's room it's like having an extra room in the house, which you can decorate with chairs, a table or chaise longue. Plants can be grown in virtually anything, provided you add some drainage holes. We've seen herbs growing in shoes and rows of beans sprouting from upturned hats. Recycle old suitcases, sinks and trunks too.
Plus there is the sheer joy of walking around a garden center. Forget the plants, it's the people. There's something rather wonderful about watching folk from opposite sides of the class divide bonding over cottage garden flowers.
But just don't expect all your green-fingered friends to approve of your new container 'scheme'. They'll remark that the Fatsia is unhappy or insist that New Zealand grasses might have been a better choice. Don't forget that gardening can be the sport of the Borgias.
CONTRACEPTION
(v: Condoms, It's a gift, STDs)
CONTROL FREAKS
They love to impose their beliefs and foibles onto others and therefore are often draining company. The 'live and let live' ethos passes them by as they go about their business, bossily policing people's lives, going through their bins, metaphorical or otherwise, and giving a great deal of unsought advice. But beware. There's a little bit of a control freak waiting to ignite in all of us and once it takes hold it's a very hard habit to break. Step back while you can and begin to listen more instead.
(v: Advice, Bullying, Codependency, Dangers of overplanning, Exquisite listening)
CONVERSATION (ART OF)
Agh. The art of small talk. The je ne sais quoi. Sadly, unlike politicians and state leaders, we don't all get furtively briefed with a finely honed precis, such as, 'This is Matthew. He's a spy and likes jumping on and off trains and making quick exits from hotels', which is, of course, potentially riveting. No. Mere mortals such as ourselves have to take our courage in both hands and pretend that we are wholly comfortable with the social scenario we find ourselves inhabiting, however unconfident we may feel. If one is feeling very shy, a good way of protecting one's inner core is to be extremely charming and ask questions of and be totally interested in other people. It turns out that everybody secretly loves talking about themselves and they will be very flattered by your interest in them. Let them. Inquire, make jokes, be self-deprecating. You will seem gracious and relaxed and if there is a dread pause in the conversation, 'Can I get you another drink?' always works very well too.
(v: Be well informed, Bores, Self-confidence, Small talk)
COOKING
Ready, steady, yes. This is what women the world over do several times a day.
(v: Anna Del Conte)
COSMETIC SURGERY
(v: Climacteric, Diets, Facial acupuncture, Tummy tuck)
COUNTERINTUITIVE FEMINISM
Essentially female behavior that may look atavistic but which masks an iron will to ensure that you get your own way in the end.
(v: Cars, Mrs. Thatcher)
COUNTRY WEEKENDS (WEEKEND RETREATS)
Even if you weren't born with a title and a trust fund, you can always jump the class barrier and stage your very own Great Gatsby house party–as long as your chosen destination has a long drawing room for pre-dinner drinks, four-poster beds and a croquet lawn. City dwellers often underestimate the rejuvenating power of a weekend away. The minute you hit the motorway, your spirits will lift at the prospect of rolling countryside, long walks and roaring fires. A word of warning about the country, however, it's very green. There are no shops and to get mobile phone reception you probably have to climb on top of a barn. Plus, if you're staying in someone else's country house, there's a bewildering etiquette to learn. Should you help yourself to breakfast in the morning? How do you light a fire? How do you address the housekeeper? The key to getting it right with your hosts is to bring at least a couple of bottles of decent wine, an additional present such as some lovely soap or a slim volume of verse and always, always, always write a proper thank-you letter. Arguably the more 'natural' and at ease with yourself you are, the more rewarding the country experience will be. Even uptight townies unwind in the end. Climb a hill, get muddy, swim in a river: you'll come back glowing with health, having spent a weekend in an elegant bubble, only smelling slightly of wet dog.
(v: Bolt-hole, Comfort zone, Courtesy, Guests, Seaside)
COURTESY
A little of this can go a very long way; and there are certain key attitudes that even a postfeminist man should adhere to. If common courtesy could be rolled out around the world, what a sweeter place it would be.
To have the door opened with the words 'No, after you', is a delight. An instant 'Let me take that for you', at the sight of a woman struggling with bags of shopping and staggering to the bus or car is music to our ears. Asking 'How are you getting home?', 'Shall I call you a cab?' and then walking you to the aforementioned cab (and opening the door) earns a man five gold stars.
This may sound like charm-school stuff, but it used to be a blueprint for male behavior across society. In particular, we despair that men no longer get up for pregnant women on busy subways and trains. So how do we bring common courtesy back? Answers on a postcard please.
(v: Manners, Twice is polite)
CRASH PADS
You're on to date number five. After a movie, supper and flirting, you suggest going back to his place.
The date looks into your eyes and says coolly, 'Damn it, let's get a hotel!'
Crash-pad hotels are the latest trend. Instead of trekking home on public transport, you can check into a chic boutique hotel without breaking the bank. If all is going well you won't have had a decent night's sleep and you'll arrive unfashionably late at the office, but if the reverse you can at least console yourself that you've gone to work early looking revived and refreshed and will impress your boss.
The crash-pad model is based on no-frills time-share-style hotels–the sort you get at airports or train stations. But it has none of the seedy associations of the 1970's shag pad. You'll get a state-of-the-art entertainment system, mini bar and even a New York–style wet room.
Instead of worrying about how tidy your bedroom is, or whether you've got anything to drink at home, you can focus on pure pleasure. Frazzled couples who have managed to get a babysitter for the night might even want to book in for the whole evening.
The unspoken message of the crash pad is clear: you are here, only briefly, to rest and recharge. Everyone deserves to feel like a rock star for a night.
(v: Creative corsetry)
CREATIVE CORSETRY
Every over-40-something Oscar-winning actress and mother of three is bending over backwards (literally) to be on the cover of Vanity Fair wearing a corset and garters and not much else, claiming that she's beginning to explore the dark side of her sexuality. We blame Madonna. So to remind you of the rules, this kind of kit is only to be worn onstage at the Folies Bergère in Paris or Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas or in the privacy of your own bedroom or hotel room.
(v: Affairs, Crash pads, Have you got the kit?, Pornography)
CREDIT CARDS
We all have a love-hate relationship with credit cards. On the one hand they enable us to buy beautiful and expensive shoes, on the other they highlight the poisonous relationship between 'consumers' (by the way, when did we stop being people?) and banks. If you find yourself in trouble with a credit card, and many of us do, there isn't an excuse. You need to face the problem, respond quickly, work out a payment plan, set up a standing order and stick to your budget. And don't forget to cut the card up.
(v: Grasping the nettle, Money matters, Opening brown envelopes)
CRISIS
When you are having a meltdown it's annoying to be told by the office know-it-all that in Chinese the word crisis also means opportunity. However, there is a grain of truth in this old adage so instead of kicking the door in or sitting down to write a suicide note, think about the dramatic and sometimes positive alternatives that a crisis might be offering you. Whether it's the abrupt end of an increasingly unsatisfactory relationship, losing a job that ultimately you don't like very much or facing bankruptcy, you are finally being forced to confront problems that have probably been simmering away for quite some time. This could be liberation.
(v: Opportunity, Suicide)
CROSS-GENERATIONAL FRIENDSHIP
These days it's not unusual to see a 38-year-old and a 70-year-old having dinner together. We are all beginning to understand it is unhealthy to hang out exclusively with your own age group. A true friend is someone who makes you think differently, who is willing to share the risks that any increase in complexity brings–that's why cross-generational friendships are so rewarding. It's important to look beyond your obvious social group.
Older friends bring wisdom and perspective and teach you not to waste time on regrets. They tend to be less judgemental and less competitive. There's very little they haven't lived through, and they enjoy your strengths. Plus, they can be a humbling reminder to us that we ain't seen nothing yet when it comes to hedonistic rule breaking.
Younger friends keep us on our toes–whether it's recommending new shops and bars, tweaking our wardrobe, ('yes' to the leather jacket, 'no' to the kitten heels) or teaching us to download the latest apps. As a more assertive generation with liberal parents, they have a refreshing–and surprisingly good–take on sex and love. They are less likely to obsess about work and they understand pleasure. And they take us out of our comfort zone. They do need a bit of guidance and support too, but it's rewarding for us to feel we can reciprocate.
It's a huge compliment to be adopted as a friend by somebody who is twenty years younger or older than you. But no one is asking you to be a neoparent or an old-age pensioner's carer. True cross-generational friendships are fun, not worthy.
(v: BFFs)
CROSSWORDS
(v: Chess, Mental exercise)
CRUSHES
Crushes make the world go round. Anything that puts a sparkle in your eye, makes you brush your hair in the morning and get to work on time, has to be a good thing. Having a crush is like having a pulse–it makes you feel alive.
However, you can't always choose your crushes. Sometimes they just sneak up on you and before you know it–ooh, heavens–who was that?
Adolescent crushes are a trial run for real emotion and a real relationship. They help us understand which qualities we notice and like in another person, and maybe a few that we don't like. If we're older, particularly if we are rendered shy or giddy or tongue-tied by the experience, it can be a nostalgic reminder of teenage rites of passage.
Our crush may never guess the extent of our feelings. Or it might be a mutual crush, where there's a shared but silent acknowledgement that in another life you could have been far more to each other than you are in this one, and there is a pleasurable sadness in acknowledging that. Crushes should be, by definition, a fun flirty pleasure, an escape from real life, or even a tricky patch in a long-term relationship.
But be wary if you find a crush tipping into a full-blown adult obsession. We've probably all been tempted to do a little bit of phone and cyber stalking, cf. Princess Diana, but it rarely ends well. Remember the rules of good behavior still apply.
Likewise, if you're on the receiving end of unrequited attention try to be kind: it's a compliment, but never let anyone behave in a way that makes you feel funny or uncomfortable. That's not a good crush. That's harassment.
Let's not be hypocritical either. Part of the test of crushes for people in long-term relationships is accepting your partner will have them too.
Often we're mortified if the other person realizes we're smitten. But the greater truth is that after the age of 35 everyone loves having admirers. You can never have too much positive attention.
(v: Quests)
CUNT
According to Wikipedia, etymologists cannot completely agree about the origins of the word cunt though it is thought that it is of Norse/German origin and must also bear some relation to the Latin word cunnus. It was in common usage during the twelfth century but by the sixteenth century had become a term of abuse. The reasons for this remain unclear but are (presumably) misogynistic in origin. The word appears several times in The Canterbury Tales, in a bawdy context, but at this point in its etymological career the word is not considered to be obscene. The main character of The Wife of Bath's Tale, who in her own way epitomizes the idea of a Dangerous Woman in the Middle Ages, has this to say on the subject:
'You would have my quente alone?/Wy, taak it al! Lo, have it every deel!/ Peter! I shrewe yow, but you love it weel;/For I wold sell my bele chose, /I kould walke as fresshe as is a rose;/But I wool kepe it for yor owene tooth.' which translates as:
'Is it because you'd have my cunt alone?/Why take it all, have every bit of it;/Peter! Beshrew you but you're fond of it!/For if I would go sell my belle chose,/ I could walk out as fresh as is a rose;/But I will keep it for your own sweet tooth.'
Interestingly, after close textual analysis, what looks like a slightly risqué chat reveals a much subtler exploration of the loaded relationship between sex and love, money and power.
Three hundred years later John Donne's sly but loving tribute to the cunt–'sucked on country pleasures, childishly'–in the sexy and magnificent sonnet 'The Good Morrow' marks the time when a shadow was beginning to fall on the open use of this word, but whatever it's genus, as Germaine Greer remarks, 'it is one of the few remaining words in the English language that has a genuine power to shock'.
(THE) CURSE
Old-fashioned slang for menstruation reflects the loaded associations that come with being a daughter of Eve. Luckily advances in science, combined with good vitamin advice and specialist medication combined to make having your period a less onerous task and something that can be talked about in public, though not necessarily at supper.
(v: Menstruation)
CURVES
(v: Ballooning weight, Bombshell, Boobs, Creative corsetry, Petticoats)
CUTTING TIES
'The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.'
– GLORIA STEINEM
Your time is too precious to spend on people who let you down, jobs that crush your potential or hobbies that you have outgrown. By all means research the situation carefully first. It would be awful not to give a friend or lover the chance to change. Maybe you can meet halfway so whatever happens you don't burn your bridges. But if when you've thought it through properly and you want to cut ties do it quickly and cleanly. The more quickly you begin the process, the faster it's over. There's no need for bitchiness. You can thank the person for their friendship and say goodbye. But don't look back. It's kinder for everyone–especially you.
(v: Emergency exit)
CYCLING
Is a fab and practical thing to do, though a challenge if you are whizzing around in a major city surrounded by mad men in garbage trucks. Have clip-on lights and, even though it's not terribly fetching, wear a high-visibility jacket, and a helmet. It's vital you practice your hand signals.
In contrast, cycling in the countryside is a truly blissful way of traveling about, especially in the summertime.
(v: Adventure, Ballooning weight, Flow)
