We went upstairs to the roof garden. Everybody there was over by the part of the balcony that's closest to Fifth Avenue. Down the side streets and over the buildings we saw big clouds of black smoke coming up from Brooklyn and Queens. The sky was dark like it gets before a bad storm. Nobody could see anything but everybody was looking. We saw flames that looked like fireflies they were so far away from us. 'What is it?' Boob asked. The civil disturbances a man said. They're animals someone else said they oughta blast them. 'Is that thunder?' Boob asked. Guns, Daddy said. Cannons and mortar someone said. The Army will have to come in if the Guard can't handle it another man said. They can't a woman said. 'A civil disturbance is a riot, isn't it?' I asked. Depends, Daddy said. When they said there wouldn't be any riots here I knew they didn't know what they were talking about. 'What are they rioting about?' Boob asked. Everything, Daddy said. Our eyes started stinging so we went back inside.
We had lunch at the coffee shop at Madison and 82nd. I've never heard us be so quiet before. It was the oddest thing Anne, we were quiet like we were still in the museum. I didn't feel like talking myself. I guess no one did, not even Boob. Then we walked down Madison as far as 59th looking at all the stores going out of business. I couldn't remember what half of them used to be and I was almost afraid I had Alzheimer's since I couldn't remember. Mama wished she could still go to Bloomingdale's. You couldn't hear the guns and cannon from where we were on the street because of the traffic. The smoke blew over Manhattan. It got dark like it was going to rain big black drops so we decided to go home.
We rode the bus back. It was crowded. We stood by the back door where we could get on and off fast. I'm GLAD GLAD GLAD we did because at 72nd a crazy man got on. There're crazy men all over but this one was really scary Anne. When he first got on he looked like anybody except the bottoms of his pants legs were torn and muddy and he had a big runny pimple on one cheek that was disgusting. He was five feet away from us. Boob was singing more silly songs to herself and Daddy told her not to attract attention. All of a sudden the crazy man started hitting a little old lady, she was sitting in one of the single seats. She was screaming and he knocked her glasses off and her mouth was bleeding. She hadn't said a word to him, he just picked her out. Mama and Daddy put their arms around us and pushed back against the people standing behind us. The people on the bus grabbed the crazy man and he started hitting them too. The bus driver pulled the bus over and stopped. We buzzed getting off then once we were safe we stopped to watch what happened. A cop car was already there. The cops got on the bus and a few minutes later dragged the crazy man out. They hit him with their clubs. Then Anne this man on the street wearing a suit saw what was going on and he ran over and kicked the crazy man in the head as hard as he could. Boob started crying. People on the street applauded like it was a movie. The cops pushed the man in the suit away and picked up the crazy man and threw him in the back of their car. It was all over then so we left. We walked home and it was such a weird day, we all went to our rooms and shut the doors like we'd been bad. I lay down on my bed and just wanted to go to sleep and I did take a nap. The phone rang a few times and Daddy got it every time but I don't know if it was the credit guy or not.
We watched the news later and naturally there was nothing about the crazy man on the bus who almost killed everybody. They wouldn't let news helicopters fly over Brooklyn and Queens so none of the reporters could say what was going on. The Mayor said everything was under control. ABC news showed the President at his vacation house. Some people on TV said he hasn't been President long enough to know what he's doing but I think he's on Xanax.
If Lori hadn't been sent to Kure-A-Kid I'm sure we'd have spent the day together having loads of fun. I wish we hadn't had that argument. I wish I'd talked to her more. Now I think I'll never get to talk to her again but maybe I will. It's hard to tell, you hear so many stories about what they do to people and what happens when you're not the same person anymore.
Thanks to that nap I couldn't get to sleep again tonight so I thought I'd write you a long story of what happened. You must wonder when if ever I shut up Anne but you're so easy to talk to once I get started I just can't stop. Before I started writing tonight I was watching TV again late and I saw an ad for Kure-A-Kid. It showed a teenage boy goofing solo. He's wearing a heavy metal jacket with a skull on it. He's got pepperoni acne. He's smoking a joint. He starts laughing like he's crazy and then he runs out in the street in front of all these cars. Most of them miss him but then a big truck runs right into him. The actor playing the boy is a stuntman because then they show him being dragged under all the wheels of the truck and getting processed and all this blood spurts like it's hitting the TV screen. When the screen's all red words come on saying Put on the Brake Before it's Too Late. It was a heaver and double bone but they had a commercial on the other night for Drug Free America that was so gross I thought Daddy was going to faint.
I've almost worn myself completely out now Anne so I think that's enough for now. If you had ears you'd be deaf thanks to me. Six weeks from today is April 25. Night night.
MARCH 15
I don't feel like writing today Anne. I'm sorry but that's just how it is sometimes. I'll write you tomorrow I promise.
MARCH 16
It's terrible Anne. Somebody from the realty company came by the apartment and taped a note on the door this morning. I found it when I went down to get the mail. I gave it to Daddy. He took it into his study and didn't come out for a long time. When he finally did come out he didn't say anything. 'What is it?' I asked. Nothing, he said. Later after I made sure Boob was distracted watching some stupid movie on TV I went to Mama and asked her what was the matter. She looked very tired and I think she was taking more something today than she usually does, more Xanax or maybe she's on Prozac again. Her doctor has her take about six different kinds but all any of them seem to do is make her sleepy.
'The landlord's after us my darling making all sorts of threats' Mama said.
'What kind of threats?' I asked. 'Landlord threats my angel' Mama said. 'But don't you or Boobie worry about that Daddy's calling around and talking to some people he knows' she said. 'About getting some work?' I asked. 'Yes sweetie I'm afraid serious steps will have to be taken.' 'Is the landlord mad at us?' 'He wants the rent' Mama said. 'I thought Daddy just paid the rent' I said. Mama nodded her head and said 'November's rent darling we're a little behind.' That was a million years ago and I couldn't believe it. 'What's going to happen then?' 'Oh oh darling don't you worry we'll always take care of you we always will always' Mama said. 'It's a mess but believe me your father has infinite resources.'
I believe her. Right after I talked to Mama Katherine called me and asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow now that it was Spring break. I was so happy to hear from her. Okay I said but I didn't have any money for movies or eating at coffee shops so I asked if she wanted to come over tomorrow and she asked if she could stay over tomorrow night. I asked Mama and she said 'Oh darling any time she's probably all broken hearted about Lori too have her come over and you can commiserate.' So I told her it was okay and she'll come over tomorrow in time for dinner.
Tonight Mama and Daddy went into his study and closed the door and were in there a long time. Boob wore herself out somehow today so I put her to bed early and waited for them to come out. I waited till eleven but they were still in there so I knocked on the door. 'Oh sweetie it's so late come and join us' Mama said. When I went in I saw them at the computer adding up figures and doing math problems. 'Are you making a budget?' I asked. I'd never seen them do it before and I thought it was interesting. 'Oh yes darling and it's a struggle but not a hopeless one' Mama said. Everything was going to be fine, Daddy said. We'd just have to adjust a little.
'Adjust to what?' I asked. 'Changes darling' said Mama. 'If we get evicted are they going to put me and Boob in a foster home?' Daddy got up from his computer and sat next to me on the chair and held my hand. Never, he said, and we weren't going to be evicted. 'You're sure?' I asked and he nodded. 'But how will things change?' I asked. 'We're not completely sure yet sweetie but it won't be permanent' Mama said. 'Not at all. Not at all. Get to bed now baby it's so late. You'll be a little tired duckling in the morning and you won't be able to quack your way around' Mama said. 'Yes I will' I said but as usual that did no good.
Anne now that I've been thinking about it I bet they spent the rent money on Hanukah and Christmas presents for us. I wonder how much all my new furniture and Boob's stuff cost. I wish they hadn't done that but Anne I guess they wouldn't be Mama and Daddy if they hadn't. They're just like Boob, if they want something they just won't feel good until they get it. I'm writing you while sitting at my desk and I'm thinking maybe if they hadn't bought it we'd have the rent. And now I'm here in my room and I'm writing to you on what might be our apartment rent. Night night. I can't wait to see Katherine tomorrow and I'll be writing you the day after I'm sure.
MARCH 18
Daddy was out all day today and yesterday doing something but he didn't tell us what. I think he's trying to line up some work. I'm not sure if he's having much luck. The phone rings all the time but we just let the answering machine take it and Mama turned the volume down so Boob and me don't have to listen to the credit guy or the landlord or anyone else getting after us.
Mama went out for a while this afternoon and then came back looking a little happier. At first I thought she got a new prescription. She was carrying a big box and I asked her what was in it. 'People I know at a publishers gave me a bundle of manuscripts to proofread angel it's a paying job' Mama said. 'Is it a lot of money?' I asked. 'Oh no but it's a help' she said.
Like I warned you I didn't write you yesterday Anne because as I said Katherine came over and spent the night. She was wearing a little green hat and a button that said Kiss Me I'm Irish because it was St Patrick's Day. She'd gone to the parade which is why she didn't come over earlier during the day. Katherine's mother is Irish and it's like being Jewish in that regard, that makes her Irish too. Her mother has beautiful auburn hair and green eyes. Katherine though took after her father sadly. She has mousy brown hair but hers hasn't turned gray yet. I bet it will before she gets to college, she's always so panicky.
Mama worked on the manuscripts she brought home and Daddy watched a movie with Boob in the living room. Katherine and I stayed by ourselves in my room listening to the radio. We talked about Lori and what happened. Katherine heard for sure that Lori met Simon the day they skipped and they went to Central Park. All they did supposedly was hang out until the middle of the afternoon like they'd been at school all day. Katherine didn't know where Lori hid out the next day after she was suspended but Katherine said she figured she just went to the movies or something, nothing real bad. We both bet that Simon didn't get in trouble.
'Did you ever hear stories about Kure-A-Kid camp?' I asked her.
'Not that one but I heard about another one upstate' Katherine said. 'This girl I knew had an older sister and she had a friend who was sent away.'
'What was it like?' I asked.
'It was awful' Katherine said. What she told me is so amazing but true I have to write it all down for you Anne. 'They locked her in a prison cell the whole time she was there and it didn't have a window. They took her clothes away and then sent over the boys to look at her. Every time they brought her food they said this could be your last meal you better enjoy it. It was always rotten and with worms and things too.'
'That's so gross what happened to her?' I asked.
'The head guard came in with a rope and showed her how to hang herself. They showed her how to tie the knot and how she was supposed to tie it around a pipe in the ceiling. They told her they have to give the parents their money back if the kid doesn't get better but if the kid dies they get to keep the money. They told her if she didn't hang herself they'd come back and hang her themselves and tell her parents she did it. They came back four times that night but she wouldn't hang herself. They got so upset that in the morning they made her go home. They had to give her parents their money back.'
'What happened to her?' I asked.
'She waited till she got home' Katherine said. 'Then she hung herself in her room so her parents would find her and when they did they cried and gave her a huge funeral.' 'That's awful' I said. 'It's a true story it happened to her' said Katherine. We both hoped that nothing like that happens to Lori. Maybe Kure-A-Kid isn't as bad as that place but I bet it is. 'What if you were dead' said Katherine. 'Who would you want to come to your funeral?' 'My parents and Boob and all my teachers and my friends and you and Lori' I said. 'And everybody else at Brearley and the Mayor. What if you were dead then who would you want to come to your funeral?' I asked. 'I'd want to watch it' said Katherine.
We got ready for bed because it was getting late. While I was taking a shower Katherine came in and asked if she could sleep with me again and I said sure. She sat on the toilet brushing her teeth while I was washing off. I wondered if she still had that big bruise but she'd already put on her pajamas and I couldn't see if she did or not. We went out and told Mama and Daddy and Boob goodnight and then we went back to bed. As usual we talked and talked before we went to sleep. I was so happy to see Katherine again.
'You can tell me now what happened' I said. 'I won't tell anybody.' She pulled the covers up to her neck so she was almost completely hidden underneath. 'Tell you what happened about what?' she said. 'What happened with your dad after Lori's party' I said. 'Why you've been a stay at home.' 'They didn't want me to go out for a while after I came home late' she said. 'Was your dad really mad at you that night?' 'Yes' she said. We'd already turned the lights out so I couldn't see her face. 'What did he do to you?' I asked. She rolled over on her side and faced away from me. I pulled her back but I still couldn't see her face. 'Don't clam. Did he hit you?' 'Why do you think he hit me?' she asked. 'When he asked what was he supposed to do with you you said he was supposed to hit you' I said. 'Why did you say that?' 'I was mad' she said. She rolled over again but she kept her head on my pillow. She curled herself up like a kitten and pushed her butt against me. She was much warmer than Boob and I wondered if she had a fever.
'You were mad because you couldn't stay out longer without getting yelled at?' I asked. 'That's it good night' she said. 'Don't get upset' I said. 'I'm not upset I'm just tired' she said. 'I thought you wanted to stay up' I said. 'I'm really tired Lo good night.'
Like I wrote you the other day Anne it's a pain when you know something's wrong with your friend and she won't tell you what's wrong. Before I fell sleep I thought about what it would be like if I couldn't tell anybody something that happened to me, not like what the credit guy said but something really important. It made me feel creepy and I got scared and I fell asleep before I knew it. In the middle of the night I woke up again. Katherine was lying right against me with her face next to mine. My arm was under her and it was asleep so I pulled it out without waking her up. It was nice having her face there and I kissed her on the cheek. That must have woken her up a little bit because she said don't don't and she rolled away from me all the way. I turned over on my side sorry that I kissed her.
MARCH 19
So much happened today Anne. I'm going to tell you everything because the only way I'll believe it is if I write it all down. Here's what's up. Daddy was out all day. He looked serious like someone died but not as sad this afternoon when he came back in. Mama fixed dinner for us, we had broccoli and chicken and new potatoes. We asked if we could watch the news like we usually do but Mama and Daddy said whatever was going on would only make everything else seem worse. Well Boob didn't think anything about that but I knew something must be really the matter because we always watch the news. I could hardly eat I started worrying so much but finally finished.
After we ate Daddy said let's go to the living room, we need to talk. 'Talk about what?' Boob asked. Daddy said he'd finally worked some things out and that it was going to be tough but not as bad as he thought it could be. 'You get a contract?' Boob asked. Daddy said no he didn't think he'd be getting any contracts anytime soon though of course you can never tell with Hollywood. 'Things will be very different for a while my darlings' Mama said 'but they won't be different forever no not forever.'
'How different?' Boob said. Then they started telling us. The first thing is that we don't have as much money to spend and they really mean it, they're not just blathering and fudging like sometimes. We're all going to have to cut back where we can. I'm going to sit down with Boob tomorrow and we'll figure out what we don't need. She doesn't know it yet of course. That's not going to be easy because Boob always needs something but if things are as bad as I think it's too bad, she's just going to have to suffer.
The next thing Daddy told us is so unbelievable I still don't believe it but it's true. He actually got a job job! He'll be working at the Excelsior Bookstore on 57th Street. He'll be one of the store managers and he'll start work on Monday. Daddy worked in bookstores while he tried to sell what he wrote before me and Boob were born, even before he and Mama were married. 'I thought you said you hated working in bookstores' I said. Daddy said that was true but he's been away from it so long he doesn't think he'll mind doing it for a little while too much. He says he'll quit once the studios start buying again. 'What's the big cheese like?' Boob asked. Daddy said the boss acts nice but he looks like an explosion in a pubic hair factory. Mama laughed a lot. I still can't imagine Daddy working in a store.
'And darlings I'll keep editing horrible manuscripts' Mama said. 'I'm dumbfounded how illiterate writers are these days.' Speak for yourself Daddy said and they both laughed again. 'What's a pubic hair factory?' Boob kept asking and she was laughing too. I started feeling upset because things are obviously really bad Anne but everybody else in my family is acting like there's nothing to worry about. If they just wanted to make the best of it that's okay. But they go manic depressive, everything will be whoopdeedo until it's not and then everything's gloomy-doom. They're so crazy. All I can do is prepare for the worst and that way I won't feel as bad when they crash and then I can cheer them up, maybe.
Then Daddy said remember I told you we might have to move somewhere else for a few months? Boob stopped laughing and got real quiet. Here I thought we weren't going to have to because they never said anything else about it. 'Oh darlings it's as I said it'll just be for a little while' Mama said but I don't think she knows. This is the way it'll work. Daddy says we'll sublet our apartment until he gets his next contract. He was able to get another loan from someone he knows to pay the back rent. Another writer who's in the Western Guild will live here and pay the rent on our apartment plus extra for our trouble. With that and what he makes at work Daddy'll pay the rent on our new apartment. They've already signed the lease. Daddy went to Columbia and he rigged something with them that lets us move into one of their buildings. Not one of their dorm buildings but a regular one. Daddy says it's a safe neighborhood and we'll be able to live cheaper there. Me and Boob will have to share a room again of course. 'Booz and me together again' Boob said. That doesn't make me happy but I expected that might be one of my sacrifices. 'Will we have to leave school?' I asked.
'Oh sweetie never not until they throw you out' Mama said. Daddy says he's paid our tuition for this year and he's sure there'll be money to pay for it next fall. He said he'd talked to Miss Taylor and he thinks everything's worked out. 'What did you tell her?' I asked. He told me not to worry about it. 'I'll keep looking to see if anyone wants to have me as a teacher' Mama said.
Daddy says we're going to have to start packing. We're going to have to move out next weekend! We'll be leaving a lot of our furniture here but we'll take our beds and the couch and some of the chairs, also chests of drawers and dressers. Daddy says I can take my new desk. Some of our stuff we'll put in storage but everything we need we'll take with us when we move. 'We're not nomads darlings we'll just be carrying our worldly possessions on our slight backs because we won't be gone that long I'm sure of it' Mama said. 'I believe you' I said. 'I'm sure of it darling oh don't worry' Mama said. Then I knew she was trying to convince herself and not me so I didn't say anything else. 'I want to see the new apartment' Boob said. Daddy said we could go over this weekend once the old tenants were out. This weekend is the day after tomorrow.
Mama and Daddy gave us hugs and kisses. Daddy said it'd be tough but it was a good thing not to get too spoiled. 'Were you spoiled?' I asked and Daddy said no. 'Darling he was so rotten you couldn't stay in the same room with him his mama said' Mama said. 'We're not spoiled either we're precious jewels' Boob said and then it was hee hee hee all around again. When we finished talking Boob went into her room to go to bed and didn't come out the rest of the night even when I knocked. I wanted to talk to her tonight to see how she felt. When I opened the door I saw she was already asleep. She was wearing her My L'il Fetus which now has no arms. She doesn't know what happened to them but I think she probably ate them in her sleep.
The only thing I can say about how I feel is that I don't feel good. I always have had this fear Anne that we wouldn't be able to live as good as we do forever and I'm afraid I'm being proven right. Once we move I guess I'll have a better idea of what it's going to be like living some other way. I'm lying on the floor to write this. I hate my stupid bed and desk and I don't want to take them along. I know that's childish but it's the way I feel right now and I'm not sorry. I don't want to move Anne I don't.
Night night.
MARCH 20
Today was Friday and the last week of Spring break. When I woke up it was early so I went in Boob's room. She was still snoozing away so I sat down and shook her. 'Scram' she said when she saw it was me. 'Are you okay Boob?' I asked. 'I want to sleep' she said.'We have to get up so we can start packing Boob so get up' I said. 'Don't want to get up.' 'You have to.' 'Don't want to.'
As you can imagine Anne it went on like that for some time before I finally got Boob sitting up conscious. 'How do you feel Boob?' I asked. 'About what?' 'About having to move' I said and she lay down in bed again. 'Too sleepy' she said. 'I mean move out of the apartment somewhere else' I said. 'We'll be back' she said. 'It's like when we went to London. We had another apartment then.' 'That was just for the summer Boob and of course we came back then' I said. 'This is different.' 'No it's not' she said.
She never would look at me while we were talking and finally I gave up. If she's not upset there's no sense trying to make her upset, it'll happen soon enough. Anyway once everybody got up and we had breakfast we spent the whole day packing and getting rid of stuff. We cleaned out the foyer closet and the hall closets and everything in the laundry room. Mama had Boob sorting piles into other piles to keep her busy. Once we had the closets done Mama went back to editing manuscripts. I can tell she's upset but she's acting like nothing's wrong at all.
On the news tonight they said everything is calmed down in Brooklyn but they have other riots in other places in Long Island. The Mayor was saying he was going to ask the President to bring in more of the Army. They said the President was busy and didn't say if he would or wouldn't yet.
Tonight I can't write you as much as I've been writing. It's very late and I'm about to fall over. Every muscle I've got is ripped and I can hardly walk I'm so tired. More packing tomorrow. Will write tomorrow unless I have a complete breakdown.
