Over dinner that evening, April tried to tell her family what little she knew about Lois's death. But her own words sounded strange and alien to her, like someone else was speaking.
It doesn't seem real, she kept thinking.
April had met Lois several times while visiting Tiffany. She remembered the last time clearly. Lois been smiling and happy, full of tales about being away at school. It was just impossible to believe that she was dead.
Death wasn't a complete stranger to April. She knew that her mom had faced death and had actually killed when working on FBI cases. But those had been bad guys, and they'd had to be stopped. April had even helped her mother fight and kill a sadistic murderer after he had taken April captive. She also knew that her grandfather had died four months ago, but she hadn't seen him in a long time and they had never been close.
But this death was more real to her, and it made no sense at all. Somehow it didn't even seem possible.
As April talked, she saw that her family was also confused and distressed. Her mom reached over and took her hand. Gabriela crossed herself and murmured a prayer in Spanish. Jilly's mouth hung open with horror.
April tried to remember everything that Tiffany had told her when they had talked again that afternoon. She had explained that yesterday morning Tiffany and her mom and dad had found Lois's body hanging in their garage. The police thought it looked like suicide. In fact, everybody was acting like it had been suicide. Like that was all settled.
Everybody but Tiffany, who kept saying she didn't think so.
April's father shuddered when she finished telling them everything she could think of.
"I know the Penningtons," he said. "Lester's a financial manager for a construction company. Not exactly wealthy, but comfortably well off. They've always seemed like a stable, happy family. Why would Lois do such a thing?"
April had been asking herself that very question all day.
"Tiffany says nobody knows," April said. "Lois was in her first year at Byars College. She was kind of stressed out about it, but even so…"
Dad shook his head sympathetically.
"Well, maybe that explains it," he said. "Byars is a tough school. Even tougher to get into than Georgetown. And very expensive. I'm surprised the family could afford it."
April drew a deep sigh and said nothing. She thought that Lois had been on scholarships, but she didn't say so. She didn't feel like talking about it. She didn't feel like eating, either. Gabriela had fixed one of her specialties, a seafood soup called tapado that April normally loved. But so far she hadn't taken a spoonful of it.
Everybody was quiet for a few moments.
Then Jilly said, "She didn't kill herself."
Startled, April stared across at Jilly. Everybody else was looking at Jilly, too. The younger teen had crossed her arms and was looking very serious.
"What?" April asked.
"Lois didn't kill herself," Jilly said.
"How do you know?" April asked.
"I met her, remember? I could tell. She wasn't the kind of girl who would ever want to do that. She didn't want to die."
Jilly paused for a moment.
Then she said, "I know how it feels to want to die. She didn't. I could tell."
April's heart jumped up into her throat.
She knew that Jilly had been through her own share of hell. Jilly had told her about how her abusive father had locked her out of the house one cold night. Jilly had slept in a drainpipe, and then she had gone to a truck stop where she tried to become a prostitute. That was when Mom had found her.
If anybody knew what it felt like to want to die, Jilly sure did.
April felt a flood of grief and horror ready to erupt inside her. Was Jilly wrong? Had Lois felt that miserable?
"Excuse me," she said. "I don't think I can eat now."
April got up from the table and rushed upstairs to her bedroom. She shut the door, threw herself down on her bed, and sobbed.
She didn't know how much time passed. But after a while, she heard a knock at the door.
"April, can I come in?" her mother asked.
"Yes," April said in a choked voice.
April sat up, and Mom walked into the room carrying a grilled cheese sandwich on a plate. Mom smiled sympathetically.
"Gabriela thought this might be easier on your stomach than tapado," Mom said. "She's worried that you'll make yourself sick if you don't eat. I'm worried too."
April smiled through her tears. This was very sweet of both Gabriela and Mom.
"Thanks," she said.
She wiped her eyes and took a bite of the sandwich. Mom sat down on the bed beside her and took her hand.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Mom asked.
April gulped down a sob. For some reason, she found herself remembering how her best friend, Crystal, had moved away recently. Her father, Blaine, had been badly beaten right here in this house. Even though he and Mom had been interested in each other, he'd been so shaken that he'd decided to move.
"I've got the weirdest feeling," April said. "Like this was my fault somehow. Terrible things keep happening to us, and it's almost like it's contagious or something. I know it doesn't make sense but…"
"I understand how you feel," Mom said.
April was surprised. "You do?"
Mom's expression saddened.
"I feel like that a lot myself," she said. "My work is dangerous. And it puts everybody I love in danger. It makes me feel guilty. A lot."
"But it's not your fault," April said.
"So how come you think it's your fault?"
April didn't know what to say.
"What else is bothering you?" Mom asked.
April thought for a moment.
"Mom, Jilly's right. I don't think Lois killed herself. And Tiffany doesn't think so either. I knew Lois. She was happy, one of the most together people I've ever known. And Tiffany looked up to her. She was like Tiffany's hero. It just doesn't make sense."
April could tell by her mother's expression that she didn't believe her.
She just thinks I'm being hysterical, April thought.
"April, the police must think that it was suicide, and her mother and father-"
"Well, they're wrong," April said, surprised by the sharpness in her own voice. "Mom, you've got to check it out. You know more about this kind of thing than any of them do. More even than the police."
Mom shook her head sadly.
"April, I can't do that. I can't just go in and start investigating something that's already been settled. Think how the family would feel about that."
It was all April could do to keep from crying again.
"Mom, I'm begging you. If Tiffany never finds out the truth, it will ruin her life. She'll never get over it. Please, please do something."
It was a huge favor to ask, and April knew it. Mom didn't reply for a moment. She got up and walked over to the bedroom window and looked outside. She seemed to be deep in thought.
Still looking outside, Mom finally said, "I'll go talk to Tiffany's parents tomorrow. That is, if they want to talk to me. That's all I can do."
"Can I come with you?" April asked.
"You've got school tomorrow," Mom said.
"Let's do it after school then."
Mom fell quiet again, then said, "OK."
April got up from the bed and hugged her mother tightly. She wanted to say thank you, but she felt too overwhelmed with gratitude to get the words out.
If anyone can find out what's wrong, Mom can, April thought.
