登陆注册
4717800000005

第5章 THREATENING LETTER TO THOMAS HOOD FROM AN ANCIENT

The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs, sir, it will be necessary to alter, in some respects, the present regulations. It is quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve a becoming dignity on state occasions, if required to walk about with a scaffolding-pole under his arm;

therefore the gold and silver sticks at present used, must be cut down into skewers of those precious metals; a twig of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently preserved; the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, will be used in lieu of the mace at present in existence; and that bauble (as Oliver Cromwell called it, Mr. Hood), its value being first calculated by Mr. Finlayson, the government actuary, will be placed to the credit of the National Debt.

All this, sir, will be the death of the constitution. But this is not all. The constitution dies hard, perhaps; but there is enough disease impending, Mr. Hood, to kill it three times over.

Wild men will get into the House of Commons. Imagine that, sir!

Imagine Strong Wind in the House of Commons! It is not an easy matter to get through a debate now; but I say, imagine Strong Wind, speaking for the benefit of his constituents, upon the floor of the House of Commons! or imagine (which is pregnant with more awful consequences still) the ministry having an interpreter in the House of Commons, to tell the country, in English, what it really means!

Why, sir, that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of the mortar in St. James's Park, and leaving nothing of it to be seen but smoke.

But this, I repeat it, is the state of things to which we are fast tending, Mr. Hood; and I enclose my card for your private eye, that you may be quite certain of it. What the condition of this country will be, when its standing army is composed of dwarfs, with here and there a wild man to throw its ranks into confusion, like the elephants employed in war in former times, I leave you to imagine, sir. It may be objected by some hopeful jackanapeses, that the number of impressments in the navy, consequent upon the seizure of the Boy-Joneses, or remaining portion of the population ambitious of Court Favour, will be in itself sufficient to defend our Island from foreign invasion. But I tell those jackanapeses, sir, that while I

admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones precedent, of kidnapping such youths after the expiration of their several terms of imprisonment as vagabonds; hurrying them on board ship; and packing them off to sea again whenever they venture to take the air on shore; I deny the justice of the inference; inasmuch as it appears to me, that the inquiring minds of those young outlaws must naturally lead to their being hanged by the enemy as spies, early in their career; and before they shall have been rated on the books of our fleet as able seamen.

Such, Mr. Hood, sir, is the prospect before us! And unless you, and some of your friends who have influence at Court, can get up a giant as a forlorn hope, it is all over with this ill-fated land.

In reference to your own affairs, sir, you will take whatever course may seem to you most prudent and advisable after this warning. It is not a warning to be slighted: that I happen to know. I am informed by the gentleman who favours this, that you have recently been making some changes and improvements in your Magazine, and are, in point of fact, starting afresh. If I be well informed, and this be really so, rely upon it that you cannot start too small, sir.

Come down to the duodecimo size instantly, Mr. Hood. Take time by the forelock; and, reducing the stature of your Magazine every month, bring it at last to the dimensions of the little almanack no longer issued, I regret to say, by the ingenious Mr. Schloss: which was invisible to the naked eye until examined through a little eye-

glass.

You project, I am told, the publication of a new novel, by yourself, in the pages of your Magazine. A word in your ear. I am not a young man, sir, and have had some experience. Don't put your own name on the title-page; it would be suicide and madness. Treat with General Tom Thumb, Mr. Hood, for the use of his name on any terms.

If the gallant general should decline to treat with you, get Mr.

Barnum's name, which is the next best in the market. And when, through this politic course, you shall have received, in presents, a richly jewelled set of tablets from Buckingham Palace, and a gold watch and appendages from Marlborough House; and when those valuable trinkets shall be left under a glass case at your publisher's for inspection by your friends and the public in general;--then, sir, you will do me the justice of remembering this communication.

It is unnecessary for me to add, after what I have observed in the course of this letter, that I am not,--sir, ever your CONSTANT READER.

TUESDAY, 23rd April 1844.

P.S.--Impress it upon your contributors that they cannot be too short; and that if not dwarfish, they must be wild--or at all events not tame.

同类推荐
  • 太上黄庭中景经

    太上黄庭中景经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 大般涅槃经后分

    大般涅槃经后分

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 台湾海防并开山日记

    台湾海防并开山日记

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 四诊抉微

    四诊抉微

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 香祖笔记

    香祖笔记

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
热门推荐
  • 公司董事会(公司董事会丛书)

    公司董事会(公司董事会丛书)

    通过精辟的范例和个案分析,作者阐明了董事和董事会应具备的素质。通过培训欧洲一些大公司的高级管理人员所获得的丰富经验,作者在书中论及了:·公司管理的重要性·董事和董事会不断变换的角色·跨越经理与董事的鸿沟——培养过程·开拓眼界,提高领导艺术·怎样培养新的思维方式、观点和行为·培训的价值无论你是新当选的还是资深董事,本书将使你深刻意识到,个人素质的提高和知识面的拓宽是你事业成功的关键。
  • 系统创造计划

    系统创造计划

    唉,看过了无数小说,几年书龄的我再也看不下去任何一本小说了。一瞬间我有一个想法再也挥之不去。我看那些系统流的主角一个个都牛逼到爆所以我决定创造一个系统,虽然这很难……
  • 让我假装不曾爱过(全本)

    让我假装不曾爱过(全本)

    ◆新坑求支持——豪门至宠,男主甚好◆《笑忘歌》http://m.wkkk.net/a/473939/PS:关于我偶的微博:http://m.wkkk.net/u/1819873211(求粉~~~)QQ:984552484(敲门砖:文中任一人名~~~欢迎各位亲来骚扰哦~~么么)———————————也许有些事情从一开始就错乱!纪筱蔷白天是清纯孤僻的上班族,夜晚她却是最妖娆的舞女,她一直很努力的活着,从未想过她所规划的人生却瞬间坍塌。七夕那夜,为躲避与朋友的碰面,她闯进一间包厢,却与醉酒的他,一夜缠绵。温闵瑞,帅气多金的温家大少,成熟稳重的少校,亦是女子心中十足十的白马王子。几番纠葛,原以为他们的纠缠就此终结,却不想命运开出了一个大大的玩笑,时隔两个月,她怀孕了!结婚不是因为爱,只是因为责任,他们说好彼此不相爱,却在各自的温柔之中沉沦。【纪筱蔷】我一直都记得,假装不曾爱过。可是心却像是爱偷懒一般,控制不住的漏掉几拍。温闵瑞,你的木讷,你的温柔,早不知道在几时,成为我的习惯!【温闵瑞】我一直都在努力,努力不去爱。可是总有那么多少个瞬间,我忘记去呼吸。纪筱蔷,你的淡然,你的关切,早将我竖起的坚墙,拍得粉碎。【一句话介绍】其实,习惯才是最可怕的爱情,因为丢弃,连呼吸都变得胆怯!———————————【推荐好友文文】胡桃小妖滴温馨暖文《小东西,你被潜了》http://m.wkkk.net/a/356957/月上雨滴虐心文文《如果爱忘了,你还记得吗》http://m.wkkk.net/a/418178/像海一样蓝滴热辣师生恋文文《太子,为师教你别得瑟》http://m.wkkk.net/a/276130/
  • 爆宠前妻:前夫送上门

    爆宠前妻:前夫送上门

    她是他仇人的女儿,他曾放下心结跟她在一起,她却终究狠心辜负。五年后,再次相遇,她嫁给他成为他的妻子。他爱她,却以恨之名。他放不下她,她是盘踞在他心口永不愈合的伤口。全世界都知道他对她的好,而她只当这一切是场交易。
  • 豪门虐恋之错爱

    豪门虐恋之错爱

    为了儿时承诺,她不惜背弃家族嘱托,以股权合并的方式成为他的妻子。但怎知,他早已另外心有所属。婚后,他不断折磨,羞辱,甚至日夜与那患精神疾病的初恋厮混,她这才知道,原来心碎的感觉就是麻木的毫无知觉。但另外一个男人的出现,却改变了她原本苦涩的生活轨迹。他说,这纸离婚协议只要你签字便即可生效,但有一点,你莫家的股权支配还是归我颜安勋所有。她冷笑,划去那最残忍的一条协议,潇洒签字。再见面,却只得到她因病逝世的消息,双胞胎姐姐继承全部家产,当她画着魅惑的妆容,挽着他弟弟的胳膊谈笑风生的时候,他突然发现,原来早在很久之前他便已经爱上了她。勾唇,她举止轻挑而冷漠,颜总,咱们的帐是不是也该仔细算个清楚了?
  • 马化腾传

    马化腾传

    他是“QQ之父”,他也是“山寨教父”。精于模仿加适度创新,成就了马化腾网络帝国的商业奇迹。打工族如何华丽转身成功创业?马化腾给出了一个近乎标准的答案。阅读马化腾,更能学到“具有中国特色”的商业智慧。
  • 佣兵二十年

    佣兵二十年

    本书慢热,带你慢慢走入佣兵真实的世界。1990年,平静的世界下,各个地区战火重新被点燃,战火纷飞之地,是佣兵的天堂,死亡的炼狱。活下去,是一种奢侈。已有军事精品完本《高危职业》,质量保证,放心入坑!
  • 龙回血帝

    龙回血帝

    曾手握日月枪扫八荒,神之上无双神皇度千万雷劫遭阴人偷袭陨落,重生夺舍废物叶轻羽身上,从走当年路,势必杀回古神域手刃仇人!
  • 七年

    七年

    她、娉娉袅袅十三余,豆蔻梢头二月初。春风十里美景路,卷上珠帘总不如。她叫沈思思,一个集美貌与智慧于一体的女生。从小生活在景阳市的她,高中时期去洛水高中念书,辗转反侧的徘徊中邂逅了瑰姿艳逸的童乐,认识人生众多知己蓝颜。然后举案齐眉,待嫁新装。她认为他是她这辈子永远无法度过的劫。只是时光苍苍,风过添伤,曲终人散那一刻,花自飘零水自流。
  • 宁少的金玉良缘

    宁少的金玉良缘

    【甜宠文】他是冷俊神秘,杀伐果断的豪门少爷,商业帝国的霸道总裁,却在不自知的情况下有了一个神秘的儿子。她是大学里的清纯校花,被叔婶设计一夜缠绵后有了一个小可爱,只是孩子的爸爸是谁?...四年后,她带着萌娃从巴黎华丽归来,进入他的集团成为他的助理...