You don't understand reserves.You have no mercy with restraints and reservations.You arc not really a CIVILISED man at all.You hate pretences--and not only pretences but decent coverings....
"It's only after one has lost love and the chance of loving that slow people like myself find what they might have done.Why wasn't I bold and reckless and abandoned? It's as reasonable to ask that, I suppose, as to ask why my hair is fair....
"I go on with these perhapses over and over again here when I find myself alone....
"My dear, my dear, you can't think of the desolation of things--Ishall never go back to that house we furnished together, that was to have been the laboratory (do you remember calling it a laboratory?)in which you were to forge so much of the new order....
"But, dear, if I can help you--even now--in any way--help both of you, I mean....It tears me when I think of you poor and discredited.You will let me help you if I can--it will be the last wrong not to let me do that....
"You had better not get ill.If you do, and I hear of it--I shall come after you with a troupe of doctor's and nurses.If I am a failure as a wife, no one has ever said I was anything but a success as a district visitor...."There are other sheets, but I cannot tell whether they were written before or after the ones from which I have quoted.And most of them have little things too intimate to set down.But this oddly penetrating analysis of our differences must, I think, be given.
"There are all sorts of things I can't express about this and want to.There's this difference that has always been between us, that you like nakedness and wildness, and I, clothing and restraint.It goes through everything.You are always TALKING of order and system, and the splendid dream of the order that might replace the muddled system you hate, but by a sort of instinct you seem to want to break the law.I've watched you so closely.Now I want to obey laws, to make sacrifices, to follow rules.I don't want to make, but I do want to keep.You are at once makers and rebels, you and Isabel too.You're bad people--criminal people, I feel, and yet full of something the world must have.You're so much better than me, and so much viler.It may be there is no making without destruction, but it seems to me sometimes that it is nothing but an instinct for lawlessness that drives you.You remind me--do you remember?--of that time we went from Naples to Vesuvius, and walked over the hot new lava there.Do you remember how tired I was? Iknow it disappointed you that I was tired.One walked there in spite of the heat because there was a crust; like custom, like law.
But directly a crust forms on things, you are restless to break down to the fire again.You talk of beauty, both of you, as something terrible, mysterious, imperative.YOUR beauty is something altogether different from anything I know or feel.It has pain in it.Yet you always speak as though it was something I ought to feel and am dishonest not to feel.MY beauty is a quiet thing.You have always laughed at my feeling for old-fashioned chintz and blue china and Sheraton.But I like all these familiar USED things.My beauty is STILL beauty, and yours, is excitement.I know nothing of the fascination of the fire, or why one should go deliberately out of all the decent fine things of life to run dangers and be singed and tormented and destroyed.I don't understand...."6
I remember very freshly the mood of our departure from London, the platform of Charing Cross with the big illuminated clock overhead, the bustle of porters and passengers with luggage, the shouting of newsboys and boys with flowers and sweets, and the groups of friends seeing travellers off by the boat train.Isabel sat very quiet and still in the compartment, and I stood upon the platform with the door open, with a curious reluctance to take the last step that should sever me from London's ground.I showed our tickets, and bought a handful of red roses for her.At last came the guards crying: "Take your seats," and I got in and closed the door on me.
We had, thank Heaven! a compartment to ourselves.I let down the window and stared out.
There was a bustle of final adieux on the platform, a cry of "Stand away, please, stand away!" and the train was gliding slowly and smoothly out of the station.
I looked out upon the river as the train rumbled with slowly gathering pace across the bridge, and the bobbing black heads of the pedestrians in the footway, and the curve of the river and the glowing great hotels, and the lights and reflections and blacknesses of that old, familiar spectacle.Then with a common thought, we turned our eyes westward to where the pinnacles of Westminster and the shining clock tower rose hard and clear against the still, luminous sky.
"They'll be in Committee on the Reformatory Bill to-night," I said, a little stupidly.
"And so," I added, "good-bye to London!"
We said no more, but watched the south-side streets below--bright gleams of lights and movement, and the dark, dim, monstrous shapes of houses and factories.We ran through Waterloo Station, London Bridge, New Cross, St.John's.We said never a word.It seemed to me that for a time we had exhausted our emotions.We had escaped, we had cut our knot, we had accepted the last penalty of that headlong return of mine from Chicago a year and a half ago.That was all settled.That harvest of feelings we had reaped.I thought now only of London, of London as the symbol of all we were leaving and all we had lost in the world.I felt nothing now but an enormous and overwhelming regret....
