There being two or three patients waiting while I finished my cigar and morning julep, enters a respectable-looking old gentleman who inquires briskly of the patients if this is really Dr.von Ingenhoff's.He is told it is.
My friend was apt to overact his part.I had often occasion to ask him to be less positive.
``Ah,'' says he, ``I shall be delighted to see the doctor.Five years ago I was scalped on the Plains, and now''--exhibiting a well-covered head--``you see what the doctor did for me.'T isn't any wonder I've come fifty miles to see him.Any of you been scalped, gentlemen?''
To none of them had this misfortune arrived as yet; but, like most folks in the lower ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it was pleasant to find a genial person who would listen to their account of their own symptoms.
Presently, after hearing enough, the old gentleman pulls out a large watch.``Bless me! it's late.I must call again.May Itrouble you, sir, to say to the doctor that his old friend called to see him and will drop in again to-morrow? Don't forget: Governor Brown of Arkansas.'' A moment later the governor visited me by a side door, with his account of the symptoms of my patients.
Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having retired.``Now, doc,'' says the Hoosier, ``I've been handled awful these two years back.''
``Stop!'' I exclaimed.``Open your eyes.
There, now, let me see,'' taking his pulse as Ispeak.``Ah, you've a pain there, and there, and you can't sleep; cocktails don't agree any longer.Weren't you bit by a dog two years ago?'' ``I was,'' says the Hoosier, in amazement.``Sir,'' I reply, ``you have chronic hydrophobia.It's the water in the cocktails that disagrees with you.My bitters will cure you in a week, sir.No more whisky--drink milk.''
The astonishment of my patient at these accurate revelations may be imagined.He is allowed to wait for his medicine in the ante-room, where the chances are in favor of his relating how wonderfully I had told all his symptoms at a glance.
Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small but clever actor, whom I met in the billiard-room, and who day after day, in varying disguises and modes, played off the same tricks, to our great common advantage.
At my friend's suggestion, we very soon added to our resources by the purchase of two electromagnetic batteries.This special means of treating all classes of maladies has advantages which are altogether peculiar.In the first place, you instruct your patient that the treatment is of necessity a long one.Astriking mode of putting it is to say, ``Sir, you have been six months getting ill; it will require six months for a cure.'' There is a correct sound about such a phrase, and it is sure to satisfy.Two sittings a week, at two dollars a sitting, will pay.In many cases the patient gets well while you are electrifying him.Whether or not the electricity cured him is a thing I shall never know.If, however, he began to show signs of impatience, Iadvised him that he would require a year's treatment, and suggested that it would be economical for him to buy a battery and use it at home.Thus advised, he pays you twenty dollars for an instrument which cost you ten, and you are rid of a troublesome case.
If the reader has followed me closely, he will have learned that I am a man of large and liberal views in my profession, and of a very justifiable ambition.The idea has often occurred to me of combining in one establishment all the various modes of practice which are known as irregular.This, as will be understood, is really only a wider application of the idea which prompted me to unite in my own business homeopathy and the practice of medicine.I proposed to my partner, accordingly, to combine with our present business that of spiritualism, which I knew had been very profitably turned to account in connection with medical practice.As soon as he agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped to enlarge so as to include all the available isms, I set about making such preparations as were necessary.I remembered having read somewhere that a Dr.Schiff had shown that he could produce remarkable ``knockings,'' so called, by voluntarily dislocating the great toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its socket.A still better noise could be made by throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus muscle out of the hollow in which it lies, alongside of the ankle.After some effort Iwas able to accomplish both feats quite readily, and could occasion a remarkable variety of sounds, according to the power which Iemployed or the positions which I occupied at the time.As to all other matters, I trusted to the suggestions of my own ingenuity, which, as a rule, has rarely failed me.
The largest success attended the novel plan which my lucky genius had devised, so that soon we actually began to divide large profits and to lay by a portion of our savings.It is, of course, not to be supposed that this desirable result was attained without many annoyances and some positive danger.My spiritual revelations, medical and other, were, as may be supposed, only more or less happy guesses;but in this, as in predictions as to the weather and other events, the rare successes always get more prominence in the minds of men than the numerous failures.Moreover, whenever a person has been fool enough to resort to folks like myself, he is always glad to be able to defend his conduct by bringing forward every possible proof of skill on the part of the men he has consulted.These considerations, and a certain love of mysterious or unusual means, I have commonly found sufficient to secure an ample share of gullible individuals.I may add, too, that those who would be shrewd enough to understand and expose us are wise enough to keep away altogether.Such as did come were, as a rule, easy enough to manage, but now and then we hit upon some utterly exceptional patient who was both foolish enough to consult us and sharp enough to know he had been swindled.
