"Am I? Would you believe it, I was aware of that, too, Pyotr Alexandrovitch, and let tell you, indeed, I foresaw I should as soon as I began to speak.And do you know I foresaw, too, that you'd be the first to remark on it.The minute I see my joke isn't coming off, your reverence, both my cheeks feel as though they were drawn down to the lower jaw and there is almost a spasm in them.That's been so since I was young, when I had to make jokes for my living in noblemen's families.I am an inveterate buffoon, and have been from birth up, your reverence, it's as though it were a craze in me.I dare say it's a devil within me.But only a little one.A more serious one would have chosen another lodging.But not your soul, Pyotr Alexandrovitch; you're not a lodging worth having either.But I do believe- I believe in God, though I have had doubts of late.But now Isit and await words of wisdom.I'm like the philosopher, Diderot, your reverence.Did you ever hear, most Holy Father, how Diderot went to see the Metropolitan Platon, in the time of the Empress Catherine?
He went in and said straight out, 'There is no God.' To which the great bishop lifted up his finger and answered, 'The fool has said in his heart there is no God and he fell down at his feet on the spot.
'I believe,' he cried, 'and will be christened.' And so he was.
Princess Dashkov was his godmother, and Potyomkin his godfather.""Fyodor Pavlovitch, this is unbearable! You know you're telling lies and that that stupid anecdote isn't true.Why are you playing the fool?" cried Miusov in a shaking voice.
"I suspected all my life that it wasn't true," Fyodor Pavlovitch cried with conviction."But I'll tell you the whole truth, gentlemen.Great elder! Forgive me, the last thing about Diderot's christening I made up just now.I never thought of it before.I made it up to add piquancy.I play the fool, Pyotr Alexandrovitch, to make myself agreeable.Though I really don't know myself, sometimes, what I do it for.And as for Diderot, I heard as far as 'the fool hath said in his heart' twenty times from the gentry about here when Iwas young.I heard your aunt, Pyotr Alexandrovitch, tell the story.
They all believe to this day that the infidel Diderot came to dispute about God with the Metropolitan Platon...."Miusov got up, forgetting himself in his impatience.He was furious, and conscious of being ridiculous.
What was taking place in the cell was really incredible.For forty or fifty years past, from the times of former elders, no visitors had entered that cell without feelings of the profoundest veneration.Almost everyone admitted to the cell felt that a great favour was being shown him.Many remained kneeling during the whole visit.Of those visitors, many had been men of high rank and learning, some even free thinkers, attracted by curiosity, but all without exception had shown the profoundest reverence and delicacy, for here there was no question of money, but only, on the one side love and kindness, and on the other penitence and eager desire to decide some spiritual problem or crisis.So that such buffoonery amazed and bewildered the spectators, or at least some of them.The monks, with unchanged countenances, waited, with earnest attention, to hear what the elder would say, but seemed on the point of standing up, like Miusov.Alyosha stood, with hanging head, on the verge of tears.
What seemed to him strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, on whom alone he had rested his hopes, and who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him, sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.Alyosha did not dare to look at Rakitin, the divinity student, whom he knew almost intimately.
He alone in the monastery knew Rakitin's thoughts.
"Forgive me," began Miusov, addressing Father Zossima, "for perhaps I seem to be taking part in this shameful foolery.I made a mistake in believing that even a man like Fyodor Pavlovitch would understand what was due on a visit to so honoured a personage.I did not suppose I should have to apologise simply for having come with him...."Pyotr Alexandrovitch could say no more, and was about to leave the room, overwhelmed with confusion.
"Don't distress yourself, I beg." The elder got on to his feeble legs, and taking Pyotr Alexandrovitch by both hands, made him sit down again."I beg you not to disturb yourself.I particularly beg you to be my guest." And with a bow he went back and sat down again on his little sofa.
"Great elder, speak! Do I annoy you by my vivacity?" Fyodor Pavlovitch cried suddenly, clutching the arms of his chair in both hands, as though ready to leap up from it if the answer were unfavourable.
