When he climbed into the pulpit he tried again to discover Maggie's face as he had already seen it.He could not; it had been, perhaps, a trick of light and, in any case, she was hidden now behind the stout stolidity of Grace.He looked around at the other faces beneath him and saw them settle themselves into their customary expressions of torpor, vacuity and expectation.Very little expectation! They knew well enough, by this time, the kind of thing to expect from him, the turn of phrase, the rise and fall of the voice, the pause dramatic, the whisper expostulatory, the thrust imperative, the smile seductive.
He had often been told, as a curate, that he was a wonderful preacher.His round jolly face, his beaming smile, a certain dramatic gift, had helped him."He is so human," he had heard people say.For many years he had lived on that phrase.For the first time in his life, this morning he distrusted his gift.He was out of touch with them all--because they were dead, killed by forms and repetitions and monotony."We're all dead, you know, and I'm dead too.Let's close the doors and seal this church up.Our day is over." He said of course nothing of the kind.His sermon was stupid, halting and ineffective.
"Naturally," as Colonel Rideout said over his port at lunch, "when a feller's wife's uncle has just hung himself in public, so to speak, it does take the wind out of you.He usen't to preach badly once.
Got stale.They all do."
As Paul dismissed the congregation with the Blessing he felt that everything was over.He was more completely miserable than he had ever been.He had in fact never before been really miserable except when he had the toothache.And now, also, the custom of years made it impossible for him to be miserable for long.He had had no real talk with Maggie since the inquest.Maggie came into his study that afternoon.Their conversation was very quiet and undemonstrative; it happened to be one of the most important conversations in both their lives, and, often afterwards, Paul looked back to it, trying to retrace in it the sentences and movements with which it had been built up.He could never recover anything very much.He could see Maggie sitting in a way that she had on the edge of her chair, looking at him and looking also far beyond him.He knew afterwards that this was the last moment in his life that he had any contact with her.Like a witch, like a ghost, she had come into his life;like a witch, like a ghost, she went out of it, leaving him, for the remainder of his days, a haunted man.
As he looked at her he realised that she had aged in this last fortnight.Yes, that horrible affair had taken it out of her.She seemed to have recovered self-control at some strange and unnatural cost--as though she had taken some potion or drug.
She began by asking Grace's question:
"Paul, what are we going to do?"
But she did not irritate him as Grace had done.His one idea was to help her; unfortunately he had himself thought out nothing clearly.
"Well, Maggie," he answered, smiling, "I thought you might help me about that.I want your advice.I thought--well, as a matter of fact I hadn't settled anything--but I thought that I might get a locum for a month or two and we might go abroad for a trip perhaps.To Paris, or Venice, or somewhere.""And then come back?" she asked.
"For a time--yes--certainly," he answered.
"I don't think I can ever come back to Skeaton," she said in a whisper, as though speaking to herself.He could see that she was controlling herself and steadying her voice with the greatest difficulty."Of course I must come, Paul, if you want me to.It's been all my fault from the very beginning----""Oh no," he broke in, "it hasn't."
"Yes, it has.I've just spoilt your life and Grace's.You were both very happy until I came.I had no right to marry you when I didn't love you.I didn't know then all I know now.But that's no excuse.Ishould have known.I was younger than most girls are, though."Paul said:
"But Maggie, you're not to blame yourself at all.I think if we were somewhere else than Skeaton it would be easier.And now after what has happened--"Maggie broke in: "You couldn't leave Skeaton, Paul.You know you couldn't.It would just break your heart.All the work of your life has been here--everything you've ever done.And Grace too.""No, no, you're wrong," said Paul vigorously."A change is probably what I need.I've been too long in the same place.Time goes so fast that one doesn't realise.And for Grace, too, I expect a change will be better.""And do you think," said Maggie, "that Grace will ever live with me now in the same house when she knows that I've driven you from Skeaton? Grace is quite right.She's just to feel as she does about me.""Then Grace must go," said Paul firmly, looking at Maggie and feeling that the one thing that he needed was that she should be in his arms and he kissing her."Maggie, if we go away, you and I, right away from all of this, perhaps then you can--you will--" he stopped.
She shook her head."Never, Paul.Never.Do you know what I've seen this last week? That I've left all those who really wanted me.My aunts, very much they needed me, and I was selfish and wouldn't give them what they wanted, and tried to escape from them.You and Grace don't need me.Nobody wants anything here in Skeaton.You're all full.It isn't my fault, Paul, but everything seems to me dead here.
They don't mean anything they say in Church, and the Church doesn't mean anything either.The Chapel was wrong in London too, but it was more right than the Church here is.I don't know what religion is or where it is: I don't know anything now except that one ought to be with the people who want one and not with the people who don't.Aunt wanted me and I failed her.Uncle wanted me and I--I--I--"She broke down, crying, her head in her arms.He went over to her and put his arms around her.At his touch she shrank a little, and when he felt that he went away from her and stood, silently, not knowing what to do.
"Maggie, don't--don't, Maggie.I can't bear to hear you cry.""I've done all wrong--I've done all wrong," she answered him."I've been wrong always."His helplessness was intolerable.He knew that she would not allow him to touch her.He went out closing the door softly behind him.
