I could no longer stay there;up I rose from the ground,and attempted to escape.At the bottom of the winding path which led up the acclivity I fell over something which was lying on the ground;the something moved,and gave a kind of whine.It was my little horse,which had made that place its lair;my little horse;my only companion and friend in that now awful solitude.I reached the mouth of the dingle;the sun was just sinking in the far west behind me,the fields were flooded with his last gleams.How beautiful everything looked in the last gleams of the sun!I felt relieved for a moment;I was no longer in the horrid dingle.In another minute the sun was gone,and a big cloud occupied the place where he had been:in a little time it was almost as dark as it had previously been in the open part of the dingle.My horror increased;what was I to do?-it was of no use fighting against the horror-that I saw;the more I fought against it,the stronger it became.What should I do:say my prayers?Ah!why not?So I knelt down under the hedge,and said,'Our Father';but that was of no use;and now I could no longer repress cries-the horror was too great to be borne.What should I do?run to the nearest town or village,and request the assistance of my fellow-men?No!that I was ashamed to do;notwithstanding the horror was upon me,I was ashamed to do that.I knew they would consider me a maniac,if I went screaming amongst them;and I did not wish to be considered a maniac.Moreover,I knew that I was not a maniac,for I possessed all my reasoning powers,only the horror was upon me-the screaming horror!But how were indifferent people to distinguish between madness and the screaming horror?So I thought and reasoned;and at last I determined not to go amongst my fellow-men,whatever the result might be.I went to the mouth of the dingle,and there,placing myself on my knees,I again said the Lord's Prayer;but it was of no use-praying seemed to have no effect over the horror;the unutterable fear appeared rather to increase than diminish,and I again uttered wild cries,so loud that I was apprehensive they would be heard by some chance passenger on the neighbouring road;I therefore went deeper into the dingle.I sat down with my back against a thorn bush;the thorns entered my flesh,and when I felt them,I pressed harder against the bush;I thought the pain of the flesh might in some degree counteract the mental agony;presently I felt them no longer-the power of the mental horror was so great that it was impossible,with that upon me,to feel any pain from the thorns.I continued in this posture a long time,undergoing what I cannot describe,and would not attempt if I were able.Several times I was on the point of starting up and rushing anywhere;but I restrained myself,for I knew I could not escape from myself,so why should I not remain in the dingle?So I thought and said to myself,for my reasoning powers were still uninjured.At last it appeared to me that the horror was not so strong,not quite so strong,upon me.Was it possible that it was relaxing its grasp,releasing its prey?Oh what a mercy!but it could not be;and yet-I looked up to heaven,and clasped my hands,and said,'Our Father.'I said no more-I was too agitated;and now I was almost sure that the horror had done its worst.
After a little time I arose,and staggered down yet farther into the dingle.I again found my little horse on the same spot as before.I put my hand to his mouth-he licked my hand.I flung myself down by him,and put my arms round his neck;the creature whinnied,and appeared to sympathise with me.What a comfort to have any one,even a dumb brute,to sympathise with me at such a moment!I clung to my little horse,as if for safety and protection.I laid my head on his neck,and felt almost calm.
Presently the fear returned,but not so wild as before;it subsided,came again,again subsided;then drowsiness came over me,and at last I fell asleep,my head supported on the neck of the little horse.I awoke;it was dark,dark night-not a star was to be seen-but I felt no fear,the horror had left me.I arose from the side of the little horse,and went into my tent,lay down,and again went to sleep.
I awoke in the morning weak and sore,and shuddering at the remembrance of what I had gone through on the preceding day;the sun was shining brightly,but it had not yet risen high enough to show its head above the trees which fenced the eastern side of the dingle,on which account the dingle was wet and dank from the dews of the night.I kindled my fire,and,after sitting by it for some time to warm my frame,I took some of the coarse food which I have already mentioned;notwithstanding my late struggle,and the coarseness of the fare,I ate with appetite.My provisions had by this time been very much diminished,and I saw that it would be speedily necessary,in the event of my continuing to reside in the dingle,to lay in a fresh store.After my meal,I went to the pit and filled a can with water,which I brought to the dingle,and then again sat down on my stone.I considered what I should next do:it was necessary to do something,or my life in this solitude would be insupportable.What should I do?rouse up my forge and fashion a horse-shoe?But I wanted nerve and heart for such an employment;moreover,I had no motive for fatiguing myself in this manner;my own horse was shod,no other was at hand,and it is hard to work for the sake of working.What should I do?read?Yes,but I had no other book than the Bible which the Welsh Methodist had given me.Well,why not read the Bible?I was once fond of reading the Bible;ay,but those days were long gone by.However,I did not see what else I could well do on the present occasion-so I determined to read the Bible-it was in Welsh;at any rate it might amuse me.So I took the Bible out of the sack,in which it was lying in the cart,and began to read at the place where I chanced to open it.I opened it at that part where the history of Saul commences.At first I read with indifference,but after some time my attention was riveted,and no wonder,I had come to the visitations of Saul-those dark moments of his,when he did and said such unaccountable things;it almost appeared to me that I was reading of myself;I,too,had my visitations,dark as ever his were.Oh,how I sympathised with Saul,the tall dark man!I had read his life before,but it had made no impression on me;it had never occurred to me that I was like him;but I now sympathised with Saul,for my own dark hour was but recently passed,and,perhaps,would soon return again;the dark hour came frequently on Saul.
Time wore away;I finished the book of Saul,and,closing the volume,returned it to its place.I then returned to my seat on the stone,and thought of what I had read,and what I had lately undergone.All at once I thought I felt well-known sensations,a cramping of the breast,and a tingling of the soles of the feet;they were what I had felt on the preceding day-they were the forerunners of the fear.I sat motionless on my stone,the sensations passed away,and the fear came not.Darkness was now coming again over the earth;the dingle was again in deep shade;I roused the fire with the breath of the bellows,and sat looking at the cheerful glow;it was cheering and comforting.My little horse came now and lay down on the ground beside the forge;I was not quite deserted.I again ate some of the coarse food,and drank plentifully of the water which I had fetched in the morning.I then put fresh fuel on the fire,and sat for a long time looking on the blaze;I then went into my tent.
I awoke,on my own calculation,about midnight-it was pitch dark,and there was much fear upon me.
