The nuns,finding that I cheerfully devoted myself to every act of self-sacrifice prescribed by the rules of their convent,wondered very much that I still hesitated about taking the veil.I begged them not to mention the subject to me till my mind was quite made up about it.They respected my wish,and said no more;but they lent me books to read which assisted in strengthening my wavering resolution.Among these books was the Life of Madame de Montmorenci,who,after the shocking death of her husband,entered the Order of St.Mary.The great example of this lady made me reflect seriously,and I communicated my thoughts,as a matter of course,to Father Deveaux.He assured me that the one last greatest sacrifice which remained for me to make was the sacrifice of my liberty.I had long known that this was my duty,and I now felt,for the first time,that I had courage and resolution enough boldly to face the idea of taking the veil.
While I was in this happy frame of mind,I happened to meet with the history of the famous Rance,founder,or rather reformer,of the Order of La Trappe.I found a strange similarity between my own worldly errors and those of this illustrious penitent.The discovery had such an effect on me,that I spurned all idea of entering a convent where the rules were comparatively easy,as was the case at Anticaille,and determined,when I did take the veil,to enter an Order whose discipline was as severe as the discipline of La Trappe itself.Father Deveaux informed me that I should find exactly what I wanted among the Carmelite nuns;and,by his advice,I immediately put myself in communication with the Archbishop of Villeroi.I opened my heart to this worthy prelate,convinced him of my sincerity,and gained from him a promise that he would get me admitted among the Carmelite nuns of Lyons.One thing Ibegged of him at parting,which was,that he would tell the whole truth about my former life and about the profession that I had exercised in the world.I was resolved to deceive nobody,and to enter no convent under false pretences of any sort.
My wishes were scrupulously fulfilled;and the nuns were dreadfully frightened when they heard that I had been an actress at Paris.But the Archbishop promising to answer for me,and to take all their scruples on his own conscience,they consented to receive me.I could not trust myself to take formal leave of the nuns of Anticaille,who had been so kind to me,and towards whom I felt so gratefully.So I wrote my farewell to them after privately leaving their house,telling them frankly the motives which animated me,and asking their pardon for separating myself from them in secret.
On the fourteenth of October,seventeen hundred and twenty-four,Ientered the Carmelite convent at Lyons,eighteen months after my flight from the world,and my abandonment of my profession--to adopt which,Imay say,in my own defence,that I was first led through sheer poverty.
At the age of seventeen years,and possessing (if I may credit report)remarkable personal charms,I was left perfectly destitute through the spendthrift habits of my father.I was easily persuaded to go on the stage,and soon tempted,with my youth and inexperience,to lead an irregular life.I do not wish to assert that dissipation necessarily follows the choice of the actress's profession,for I have known many estimable women on the stage.I,unhappily,was not one of the number.
I confess it to my shame,and,as the chief of sinners,I am only the more grateful to the mercy of Heaven which accomplished my conversion.
