Apparently he had been waiting for me.
He seized my hand with a feeling akin to rapture.
"Noble young man!"he said,with tears in his eyes."I have heard everything.What a scoun-drel!Ingrate!...Just fancy such people being admitted into a decent household after this!Thank God I have no daughters!But she for whom you are risking your life will reward you.Be assured of my constant discretion,"he continued."I have been young myself and have served in the army:I know that these affairs must take their course.Good-bye."Poor fellow!He is glad that he has no daughters!...
I went straight to Werner,found him at home,and told him the whole story --my relations with Vera and Princess Mary,and the conversation which I had overheard and from which I had learned the intention of these gentlemen to make a fool of me by causing me to fight a duel with blank cartridges.But,now,the affair had gone beyond the bounds of jest;they probably had not expected that it would turn out like this.
The doctor consented to be my second;I gave him a few directions with regard to the condi-tions of the duel.He was to insist upon the affair being managed with all possible secrecy,be-cause,although I am prepared,at any moment,to face death,I am not in the least disposed to spoil for all time my future in this world.
After that I went home.In an hour's time the doctor returned from his expedition.
"There is indeed a conspiracy against you,"he said."I found the captain of dragoons at Grush-nitski's,together with another gentleman whose surname I do not remember.I stopped a moment in the ante-room,in order to take off my goloshes.
They were squabbling and making a terrible up-roar.'On no account will I agree,'Grushnitski was saying:'he has insulted me publicly;it was quite a different thing before'...
"'What does it matter to you?'answered the captain.'I will take it all upon myself.I have been second in five duels,and I should think Iknow how to arrange the affair.I have thought it all out.Just let me alone,please.It is not a bad thing to give people a bit of a fright.And why expose yourself to danger if it is possible to avoid it?'...
"At that moment I entered the room.They suddenly fell silent.Our negotiations were some-what protracted.At length we decided the matter as follows:about five versts from here there is a hollow gorge;they will ride thither to-morrow at four o'clock in the morning,and we shall leave half an hour later.You will fire at six paces --Grushnitski himself demanded that con-dition.Whichever of you is killed --his death will be put down to the account of the Circas-sians.And now I must tell you what I suspect:
they,that is to say the seconds,may have made some change in their former plan and may want to load only Grushnitski's pistol.That is some-thing like murder,but in time of war,and espe-cially in Asiatic warfare,such tricks are allowed.
Grushnitski,however,seems to be a little more magnanimous than his companions.What do you think?Ought we not to let them see that we have guessed their plan?""Not on any account,doctor!Make your mind easy;I will not give in to them.""But what are you going to do,then?"
"That is my secret."
"Mind you are not caught ...six paces,you know!""Doctor,I shall expect you to-morrow at four o'clock.The horses will be ready ...Good-bye."
I remained in the house until the evening,with my door locked.A manservant came to invite me to Princess Ligovski's --I bade him say that Iwas ill.
.....
Two o'clock in the morning...I cannot sleep...Yet sleep is what I need,if I am to have a steady hand to-morrow.However,at six paces it is difficult to miss.Aha!Mr.Grushnit-ski,your wiles will not succeed!...We shall exchange roles:now it is I who shall have to seek the signs of latent terror upon your pallid countenance.Why have you yourself appointed these fatal six paces?Think you that I will tamely expose my forehead to your aim?...
No,we shall cast lots...And then --then --what if his luck should prevail?If my star at length should betray me?...And little wonder if it did:it has so long and faithfully served my caprices.
Well?If I must die,I must!The loss to the world will not be great;and I myself am already downright weary of everything.I am like a guest at a ball,who yawns but does not go home to bed,simply because his carriage has not come for him.
But now the carriage is here...Good-bye!...
My whole past life I live again in memory,and,involuntarily,I ask myself:'why have I lived --for what purpose was I born?'...A purpose there must have been,and,surely,mine was an exalted destiny,because I feel that within my soul are powers immeasurable...But I was not able to discover that destiny,I allowed myself to be carried away by the allurements of passions,inane and ignoble.From their crucible I issued hard and cold as iron,but gone for ever was the glow of noble aspirations --the fairest flower of life.And,from that time forth,how often have I not played the part of an axe in the hands of fate!Like an implement of punishment,I have fallen upon the head of doomed victims,often without malice,always without pity...To none has my love brought happiness,because I have never sacrificed anything for the sake of those I have loved:for myself alone I have loved --for my own pleasure.I have only satisfied the strange craving of my heart,greedily draining their feelings,their tenderness,their joys,their sufferings --and I have never been able to sate myself.I am like one who,spent with hunger,falls asleep in exhaustion and sees before him sumptuous viands and sparkling wines;he de-vours with rapture the aerial gifts of the imagina-tion,and his pains seem somewhat assuaged.Let him but awake:the vision vanishes --twofold hunger and despair remain!
And to-morrow,it may be,I shall die!...
