The Countess d'Houdetot was nearly thirty years of age, and not handsome; her face was marked with the smallpox, her complexion coarse, she was short-sighted, and her eyes were rather round; but she had fine long black hair, which hung down in natural curls below her waist; her figure was agreeable, and she was at once both awkward and graceful in her motions; her wit was natural and pleasing; to this gayety, heedlessness and ingenuousness were perfectly suited: she abounded in charming sallies, after which she so little sought, that they sometimes escaped her lips in spite of herself.She possessed several agreeable talents, played the harpsichord, danced well, and wrote pleasing poetry.Her character was angelic- this was founded upon a sweetness of mind, and except prudence and fortitude, contained in it every virtue.She was besides so much to be depended upon in all intercourse, so faithful in society, even her enemies were not under the necessity of concealing from her their secrets.I mean by her enemies the men, or rather the women, by whom she was not beloved; for as to herself she had not a heart capable of hatred, and I am of opinion this conformity with mine greatly contributed towards inspiring me with a passion for her.In confidence of the most intimate friendship, I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent, nor even of her sister-in-law.She could neither conceal her thoughts for any one, nor disguise any of her sentiments, and I am persuaded she spoke of her lover to her husband, as she spoke of him to her friends and acquaintance, and to everybody without distinction of persons.What proved, beyond all manner of doubt, the purity and sincerity of her nature was, that subject to very extraordinary absences of mind, and the most laughable inconsiderateness, she was often guilty of some very imprudent ones with respect to herself, but never in the least offensive to any person whatsoever.
She had been married very young and against her inclinations to the Comte d'Houdetot, a man of fashion, and a good officer; but a man who loved play and chicane, who was not very amiable, and whom she never loved.She found in M.de Saint Lambert all the merit of her husband, with more agreeable qualities of mind, joined with virtue and talents.If anything in the manners of the age can be pardoned, it is an attachment which duration renders more pure, to which its effects do honor, and which becomes cemented by reciprocal esteem.
It was a little from inclination, as I am disposed to think, but much more to please Saint Lambert, that she came to see me.He had requested her to do it, and there was reason to believe the friendship which began to be established between us would render this society agreeable to all three.She knew I was acquainted with their connection, and as she could speak to me without restraint, it was natural she should find my conversation agreeable.She came; I saw her; I was intoxicated with love without an object; this intoxication fascinated my eyes; the object fixed itself upon her.Isaw my Julia in Madam d'Houdetot, and I soon saw nothing but Madam d'Houdetot, but with all the perfections with which I had just adorned the idol of my heart.To complete my delirium she spoke to me of Saint Lambert with a fondness of a passionate lover.Contagious force of love! while listening to her, and finding myself near her, I was seized with a delicious trembling which I had never before experienced when near to any person whatsoever.She spoke, and I felt myself affected; I thought I was nothing more than interested by her sentiments, when I perceived I possessed those which were similar; Idrank freely of the poisoned cup, of which I yet tasted nothing more than the sweetness.Finally, imperceptibly to us both, she inspired me for herself with all she expressed for her lover.Alas! it was very late in life, and cruel was it to consume with a passion not less violent than unfortunate for a woman whose heart was already in the possession of another.
Notwithstanding the extraordinary emotions I had felt when near to her, I did not at first perceive what had happened to me; it was not until after her departure that, wishing to think of Julia, I was struck with surprise at being unable to think of anything but Madam d'Houdetot.Then was it my eyes were opened: I felt my misfortune, and lamented what had happened, but I did not foresee the consequences.
I hesitated a long time on the manner in which I should conduct myself towards her, as if real love left behind it sufficient reason to deliberate and act accordingly.I had not yet determined upon this when she unexpectedly returned and found me unprovided.It was this time, perfectly acquainted with my situation, shame, the companion of evil, rendered me dumb, and made me tremble in her presence; I neither dared to open my mouth nor raise my eyes; I was in an inexpressible confusion which it was impossible she should not perceive.I resolved to confess to her my troubled state of mind, and left her to guess the cause whence it proceeded: this was telling her in terms sufficiently clear.
