Whilst I was at Paris, Saint Lambert arrived there from the army.As I was not acquainted with his arrival, I did not see him until after my return to the country, first at the Chevrette, and afterwards at the Hermitage; to which he came with Madam d'Houdetot, and invited himself to dinner with me.It may be judged whether or not Ireceived him with pleasure! But I felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding between my guests.Satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness, I myself was happy in being a witness to it, and I can safely assert that, during the whole of my mad passion, and especially at the moment of which I speak, had it been in my power to take from him Madam d'Houdetot I would not have done it, nor should I have so much as been tempted to undertake it.I found her so amiable in her passion for Saint Lambert, that I could scarcely imagine she would have been as much so had she loved me instead of him; and without wishing to disturb their union, all I really desired of her was to permit herself to be loved.Finally, however violent my passion may have been for this lady, I found it as agreeable to be the confidant, as the object of her amours, and Inever for a moment considered her lover as a rival, but always as my friend.It will be said this was not love: be it so, but it was something more.
As for Saint Lambert, he behaved like an honest and judicious man:
as I was the only person culpable, so was I the only one who was punished; this, however, was with the greatest indulgence.He treated me severely, but in a friendly manner, and I perceived I had lost something in his esteem, but not the least part of his friendship.For this I consoled myself, knowing it would be much more easy to me to recover the one than the other, and that he had too much sense to confound an involuntary weakness and a passion with a vice of character.If even I were in fault in all that had passed, Iwas but very little so.Had I first sought after his mistress? Had not he himself sent her to me? Did not she come in search of me? Could.
I avoid receiving her? What could I do? They themselves had done the evil, and I was the person on whom it fell.In my situation they would have done as much as I did, and perhaps more: for, however estimable and faithful Madam d'Houdetot might be, she was still a woman; her lover was absent; opportunities were frequent; temptations strong; and it would have been very difficult for her always to have defended herself with the same success against a more enterprising man.We certainly had done a great deal in our situation, in placing boundaries beyond which we never permitted ourselves to pass.
Although at the bottom of my heart I found evidence sufficiently honorable in my favor, so many appearances were against me, that the invincible shame, always predominant in me, gave me in his presence the appearance of guilt, and of this he took advantage for the purpose of humbling me: a single circumstance will describe this reciprocal situation.I read to him, after dinner, the letter I had written the preceding year to Voltaire, and of which Saint Lambert had heard speak.Whilst I was reading he fell asleep, and I, lately so haughty, at present so foolish, dared not stop, and continued to read whilst he continued to snore.Such were my indignities and such his revenge; but his generosity never permitted him to exercise them, except between ourselves.
After his return to the army, I found Madam d'Houdetot greatly changed in her manner with me.At first I was as much surprised as if it had not been what I ought to have expected; it affected me more than it ought to have done, and did me considerable harm.It seemed that everything from which I expected a cure, still plunged deeper into my heart the dart, which I at length broke in rather than drew out.
I was quite determined to conquer myself, and leave no means untried to change my foolish passion into a pure and lasting friendship.For this purpose I had formed the finest projects in the world; for the execution of which the concurrence of Madam d'Houdetot was necessary.When I wished to speak to her I found her absent and embarrassed; I perceived I was no longer agreeable to her, and that something had passed which she would not communicate to me, and which I have never yet known.This change, and the impossibility of knowing the reason of it, grieved me to the heart.She asked me for her letters; these I returned her with a fidelity of which she did me the insult to doubt for a moment.
This doubt was another wound given to my heart, with which she must have been so well acquainted.She did me justice, but not immediately: I understood that an examination of the packet I had sent her, made her perceive her error: I saw she reproached herself with it, by which I was a gainer of something.She could not take back her letters without returning me mine.She told me she had burnt them:
of this I dared to doubt in my turn, and I confess I doubt of it at this moment.No, such letters as mine to her were, are never thrown into the fire.Those of Eloisa have been found ardent.Heavens! what would have been said of these? No, no, she who can inspire a like passion, will never have the courage to burn the proofs of it.But Iam not afraid of her having made a bad use of them: of this I do not think her capable; and besides I had taken proper measures to prevent it.The foolish, but strong apprehension of raillery, had made me begin this correspondence in a manner to secure my letters from all communication.I carried the familiarity I permitted myself with her in my intoxication so far as to speak to her in the singular number:
but what theeing and thouing! she certainly could not be offended with it.Yet she several times complained, but this was always useless: her complaints had no other effect than that of awakening my fears, and I besides could not suffer myself to lose ground.If these letters be not yet destroyed, and should they ever be made public, the world will see in what manner I have loved.
