EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN
Even though it's pouring on the last Friday in September, and even though I got drenched waiting for the bus after I shook Toby senseless trying to wake him up, but he just doesn't feel like going to school today, I'm in a fantastic mood because Epstein is coming. Today! In six hours, then five hours, and then I get a text that he's leaving school, that he's getting on the subway, that he's sitting on the train. He's so close, and it's important that I somehow pick him up at the station. My mom said she could pick him up, but that would be so incredibly lame that I spend most of school convincing Ray to:
1. Drive me to meet Epstein's train.
2. Drive Epstein and me to Ginger's for dinner.
3. Drive us back to my house.
"Come on," I say as she shoves her books into her locker. "It'll be fun."
"Fun?" She gives me a very Ray look. "Chauffeuring you and your boyfriend all over town?"
Boyfriend! I think. Not that we've had the DTR yet, but am I the one with the boyfriend? Since middle school, Ray's always been the one with boy drama. I've had the occasional crush and technically Leo Kavanaugh and I went out for three days in eighth grade, but that's been pretty much it. And now I have someone I talk/text with almost every night! Someone who's coming to visit! Me! That must make him my boyfriend, even if we've never actually said it.
Ray slams her locker and I'm jolted back to the reality of being carless and desperate for rides.
"I really want you to meet Epstein. You'll be the first person to meet him."
"Lucky me," she says a little sarcastically, picking up her bag. "I should just call Cinnafuckincrack and see if they have any open shifts tonight."
Ray calling for work when she's not scheduled is as likely as me overcoming my fear of driving, getting my license, and buying a car. Today. I follow her down the hall.
"Please, Ray. I'll give you gas money. And buy you cigarettes. We'll eat at Ginger's and hang out at my house later."
"I don't want to be a third wheel. And speaking of wheels, there's no reason you can't get your freaking license."
"You won't be the third wheel," I tell her, ignoring the license talk. "Come on, Ray, I hung out with you and Jake all the time." Jake Sweeney was Ray's boyfriend most of last year until he cheated on her with a freshman. He's on our Enemy List so we don't usually talk about him. I look to see if she's mad that I brought him up, but she seems okay.
"What about at your house?"
"Toby will be there. He's watching the twins, but once they go to bed, we'll all hang out. It'll be fun."
Ray gives me the look that means she's going to go off on how I need to learn to drive.
But instead, she asks, "So you want me to hang out with Toby?"
I'm surprised but shrug, trying to seem casual. "Well, yeah. We'll all chill, drink some beers." But Epstein doesn't drink, I remember. Will this be weird? What if this is a disaster? What if everyone is awkward?
"You don't mind me hanging out with your brother?"
"Why should I care?" I ask, even though my heart goes chug-chug-chug. "You're friends."
"I thought maybe you didn't want me to."
"Hang out with Toby," I say. "Be my guest. I just don't know why you'd want to. He's been a total bum lately. I think he skipped most of his classes this week." I immediately feel bad after saying that. Siblings never tattle. Toby and I are members of the Secret Sibling Society.
"And I think he's still into Arianna Kaufman," I say randomly. "I think they text a lot." I have no idea why I just said that. Toby could text Ari but I don't think he does. Now that I think about it, he's actually not on his phone that much lately.
I feel relieved that Ray agrees to drive me to the train station and even more relieved when she and Epstein get along right away. I know as soon as he calls her "the very famous Ray" and she calls him "the supremely famous Epstein" that they'll get along. It's petty, I know, but I'm happy that his hair is longer because it covers his ears more.
In the car I wonder what Ray thinks of him and if she's noticed the size of his ears. I wonder if Epstein thinks Ray is pretty. She's got bigger boobs than I do and almost-black hair that's long and shiny. But then we walk up to Ginger's and Epstein takes my hand! I get extra lucky when a huge party comes in, and my parents can't spend too long grilling him.
When we get home, Sam, shirtless with Minecraft pajama bottoms and pink goggles, meets us at the door. "Who are you?" he asks Epstein.
"Epstein," Epstein says. "Are you Sam?"
Sam nods.
"Cool house," Epstein says, putting his bag down.
Trying to see the house through Epstein's eyes, I guess maybe, if you can see past the mess of toys, shoes, and dog hair, it is kind of cool. There's a wall of windows in the dining room, which opens into a big kitchen that has a long wooden farm table, a wood-burning stove, and a skylight. There are open ceilings with high beams and neat things like window seats and built-in shelves. There's also the unfinished mudroom and an "office" that's a dumping ground for random stuff. Most of the upstairs is covered in floral wallpaper, which my mom complains about but never changes.
"David and Toby keep calling me Samwise Gamgee," my brother whines. "They're being mean."
"Samwise Gamgee is very cool," Epstein tells him.
Sam scowls. "I don't like all that Lord of the Rings stuff."
"Let's go find them," I say.
We find David and Toby downstairs in my grandmother's part of the house. It's a fully functional apartment with its own entrance. My dad renovated it when she moved in, but she never uses the kitchen, and once she met Harry, Toby and I started hanging down here to escape the twins. Now, when we find them, David and Toby are so engrossed in watching Lego Ninjago that they barely look up at us. There are bowls of mushy cereal and an empty pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream on the table.
"Toby, David, this is Epstein," I tell them.
"Nice to meet you," Epstein says.
David doesn't look up.
Toby looks at him. "Nice. To. Meet. You. Too." Then he turns back to the TV, which seems unusually loud.
"Hey," Ray says.
"Hey," Toby says more to Lord Garmadon than anyone in the room.
What is wrong with my brothers? David needs a lesson in manners, but he's seven. Toby, on the other hand, is nearly eighteen and is being totally rude. Why is he watching this dumb cartoon?
"Want to buy ice cream?" Ray asks Toby. This is code for buying beer. Ray has her cousin's ID and can usually get a six-pack.
"We have ice cream," David tells her.
"Not the kind I like," she tells him. "I like root BEER flavor." She looks at Toby.
"Okay." Toby sounds kind of bored. "Can we stop by Toast's? I need to pick up some stuff." He rubs his hands over his eyes.
You smoked all that pot already? I think. I don't say anything because I don't want to give Epstein the impression that my brother is a fuck-up. Plus, David is totally listening.
"Sure," Ray says agreeably. "I'll drive."
Toby stands up. "Good. I don't know where my keys are."
Once they leave, I bribe David with extra screen time to go upstairs with Sam.
Finally Epstein and I are alone, and we kiss until Sam runs down complaining that David hit him three times, called him retarded, and keeps changing the channel to something "very very very very very scary."
I run upstairs, tell David to stop being mean, give them a bag of Pirate's Booty, and turn on Nick Jr. "Don't even think about changing the channel," I order David.
When I return, Epstein smiles and wraps his arms around me. "So … When do you think your brother and Ray will be back?"
I silently calculate driving to the Mobil Mart that is lax about IDs, driving to Toast's for weed, smoking a joint there, Ray realizing that she's out of cigarettes. "Forty minutes. Give or take."
"So …"
"Just a sec." I slide out of his arms and latch the door at the top of the stairs.
The one positive thing about not getting to see your probably boyfriend for more than a month is that hooking up feels more good than awkward. I don't even feel bad that I give my very first blow job right on the couch where my grandmother watches the evening news.
In the movie version, you never see the main character wondering what to do with a mouthful of semen. I don't want to swallow it, but I also don't want to insult Epstein by spitting it out. Also, I'm not exactly sure where to spit it. It's so not the movie version, but I grab one of the twins' juice boxes and half spit, half sip the juice and try not to think about the sperm in my mouth.
I wonder if Epstein will want to go down on me. I'm curious, but the idea that my brothers or Ray could discover the locked door makes me pull my pants back on before Epstein can move anywhere near there. It's a good thing I did, because three minutes later we hear Ray's Frye boots clomping around upstairs. I'm surprised that they're back so soon. Now that Toby is hanging out with Toast, it seems like he can be there all day.
When I run up and unlock the door, Ray grins. "What's up?" she asks in a lilting singsong voice. I know she's wondering if we had sex. She's hooked up with a lot of guys, and she's had sex with Jake and a random college guy she met at the mall after Jake cheated on her. I've promised to tell her the minute I lose my virginity.
"Um …" I feel myself getting red.
"Yes?" Ray prods, following me downstairs with Toby.
I swallow.
"Well until you came in, Amelia and I were just discoursing about The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind," Epstein says matter-of-factly.
We all stare at Epstein.
Epstein smiles. "It's a book on my parents' shelf. I always see that pretentious title, and I don't know, I guess I memorized it. Neither of them has read it, as it turns out."
When Ray and Toby laugh, I start to relax. I wonder if it's normal to be sort of nervous about your friend/brother liking your maybe boyfriend so much. But Ray and Toby don't make a big deal when Epstein declines a beer and passes the joint. I drink one beer, but don't smoke. I know Epstein doesn't care, but I want to be myself.
Ray tells a long, rambling story about Toast and Muppet, which somehow turns into Toby talking about some conspiracy involving Peter Jackson. When I realize that I've left the twins unattended in front of the TV for hours, I go up, since Toby seems too fucked up to handle bedtime. I'm shocked when Epstein follows behind me and asks to help. I know it's cheesy, but there's something sweet about the way Epstein reads them a chapter from The Goblet of Fire. I imagine Epstein and me with our own kids, but then the craziness factor kicks in and I remember that we're in high school and have only been going out for two months and haven't actually had sex yet.
While Epstein is reading, my mom calls to say they won't be home till one at the earliest. "The boys are asleep?" she asks.
"Just about."
"Dad and I really liked Epstein. He seems really smart. Is he all set in Toby's room?"
"Toby's room is kind of gross. Can he sleep on Grandma's pullout? She's at Harry's."
"That's fine. Love you, Amelia."
"Love you too."
I walk back into Sam and David's room and listen to Epstein finish the chapter.
"Will you read to us tomorrow?" David asks. "You do the voices way better than Amelia."
"Don't close the door all the way," Sam says.
"You say that every night, Samwise Gamgee," David says as Epstein and I walk into the hallway.
"Shut up," Sam says. "Toby always calls me that. You just want to be like him. My name is Samuel Aaron Anderson."
"Okay, poop fart butt."
Epstein laughs. "They're funny."
"They have their moments."
Even though we're planning to go back to the basement, Epstein and I end up staying in the living room where, in between kisses, we start looking at my grandmother's scrap-booking albums. He must be my boyfriend because it's amazing that I'm not too embarrassed to show him pictures from my toothless-wonder stage or the time I was covered with poison ivy.
I'm so happy to be alone with Epstein that I'm totally unfazed by the fact that Toby and Ray are drinking and alone downstairs.
But then Ray comes sprinting up. "Can you guys come down? Toby got kind of fucked up. I don't know what to do."
I follow her down to find Toby in the unfinished room in the back of the apartment, where the boiler and washing machine are. He's cross-legged and rocking back and forth.
"Hey," I say. "What's up?"
He ignores me and keeps rocking.
"He's been like this for, like, I don't know." Ray looks at her phone. "Shit—twenty minutes?" She sounds worried, which scares me because Ray is good at taking care of drunk people.
"Toby?" I say softly. "Are you okay? Do you want help getting up?"
"He won't answer," Ray says.
"How much did he drink?" Epstein sounds concerned.
"Not that much. Three beers, maybe. Probably less. This doesn't seem like drunk," Ray says.
Sweat pours off my brother's forehead even though he's only in a T-shirt and it's cold down here. He continues to rock like we're not even here. I look at Ray who looks back at me. I look at Epstein who looks at my brother.
Then Toby screams. "AIEEEEE!" and rocks himself so vigorously that I think he might crack open his head. "Leave me the fuck alone!"
"Toby," I say. "You need to calm down. This isn't funny."
"Shit ass fucking fuck. They want to make me eat shit. I won't eat shit you fucking fucks."
"No one wants you to eat shit," Ray tells him. "It's okay, Toby. You're with your friends."
"They're here. They're listening. I need to make it stop before it can go. All those orcs. You know." He pulls his dirty T-shirt off so forcefully that the sleeve rips.
I look at Ray. "What's wrong with him? Did he take something at Toast's?"
She shakes her head. "One bong hit."
Toby flings his sneakers across the room. They hit the dryer and bounce off.
"Should we call someone?" Epstein asks.
"No!" I don't mean to snap, but I do. "We can't call anyone."
"He might need help, Amelia," Epstein says quietly.
I remind myself that Epstein just doesn't get how we do things up here. My parents are going a mile a minute at work, and I wouldn't call them unless someone stopped breathing. And that would probably be from the back of an ambulance since I'd call 911 first. I can't call my grandmother—I'm not about to wake her and Harry up to explain that her grandson is drunk or something.
While I imagine the preposterousness of calling someone, Ray walks over to Toby, picks up his hand, and gently strokes it. After a while, Toby stops rocking and starts swatting invisible nothings in front of him. He keeps babbling nonsense about people wanting him to eat shit and orcs and Sauron, but Ray just nods sympathetically. Sweat still drips off his forehead, but he eventually gets quiet.
None of us say anything. After a bit it's Epstein who walks over to Toby, puts his hand on Toby's shoulder, and says, "Hey, man. You okay?"
Toby doesn't say anything.
"You want a hand?" Epstein holds onto Toby's shoulder and together with Ray, who's still holding his hand, they help him up. Very slowly, they guide my brother back through the apartment, up the stairs, through the kitchen, and up to the second floor. Dazed, I follow behind them.
When we get to Toby's room, Ray says, "I can hang out with Toby if you want."
"You think he's okay?"
"He seems better." She sniffs loudly. "Stinky, but better."
"Stay here tonight," I tell her. "You can't drive." I also want someone else around.
She nods. "That episode just sobered me up, but yeah, I'll crash here. I'll text my mom."
"Sleep in my room. Epstein's sleeping downstairs."
"I'll come in a bit. You and Epstein should hang out. This is a shitty way to end your big night."
Epstein follows me into my room and we lie down on my bed. I can't believe it's almost midnight. I feel drained and tired and relieved that Epstein doesn't try anything.
"That was weird," I finally say.
"Has that ever happened before?"
"Never!" I sound angrier than I want, but I can't believe that the first time Epstein meets my brother, Toby is so not himself. "Toby's an awesome guy. Even when he's drunk or stoned he's usually just really funny and smart."
"Do you think he was hallucinating?"
"Hallucinating? From smoking pot and drinking beer?" I look at Epstein. "Is that possible?"
He shrugs.
"This is really weird. Toby is like, he's just like … he's just really cool," I say lamely.
"Well, you never know how alcohol or pot can affect you. If he didn't eat a lot … you never know."
"Maybe you're right." Cereal and ice cream isn't enough for dinner. Knowing my brother, that might have been his only meal of the day.
"I was at a String Cheese Incident show and this girl went blind after smoking pot."
"Really? Blind?"
Epstein nods. "She took one puff and said, 'Uh, I can't see.' I literally had to lead her to her seat because she couldn't see."
"Weird."
"Yeah. Her sight came back after a few minutes, but she was really blind for a while."
I feel a little better. Epstein's right. Toby's weird combination of no food, funky pot, and beer must have made him freak out. "I'm sorry you have to sleep downstairs. It's a mess down there. Crap. I need to get rid of all those beer bottles … Ray's cigarettes."
"No worries. I'll do it."
I stand up. "Really?"
He hugs me. "I will totally hide the illicit booze. Where should I put it?"
I explain where Epstein should hide the empty cans and where the Febreze is. "Thank you so much. I'm really happy you're here." I give him a quick, no-tongue kiss good night because hooking up just doesn't seem fun right now.
After Epstein leaves, I brush my teeth and wash my face. I'm tired but I can't sleep. At some point, I hear my parents come home, but I don't see Ray until, after a terrible, noisy sleep, I drag myself down to the kitchen, where everyone—Toby, the twins, my mom, my dad, Epstein, and Ray—are all eating breakfast.
"Morning, sunshine," Ray says.
I stare at her. She spent the night in my brother's room while Epstein spent the night on my grandmother's lumpy pullout couch? Did she and Toby hook up?
"Hi, Amelia," Epstein says. "How'd you sleep? I slept great." He sounds like he's telling the truth.
My mom smiles. "It's nice and dark down there, isn't it? I nap there sometimes."
"Pancake, Meals?" My dad holds up one of his famous giant pancakes.
"I don't know how you two girls shared Amelia's bed all night," my mom says.
Ray shrugs. "It wasn't so bad."
I look at Toby. He's pale, but looks showered and fine. You'd never know what a mess he was last night, which makes me kind of mad at him. He never gets in trouble. I remember when he was so stoned in the diner and how he charmed his way out of the parking ticket at the mall. If he's so great the other 364 days of the year, why does he have to freak out the one time I have a guy visit me? I'd never do anything like that if one of his girlfriends spent the night! I'm always nice and normal to his girlfriends!
After breakfast, Ray goes home and everyone else except Toby, who says he's writing a college essay, goes apple picking at an orchard about thirty minutes away. At first I don't think Epstein and I should go because it sounds so dorky. But since I can't drive and don't want to stay in the house with my brother—who's probably just going to barricade himself in his room, get high, and blast music—I decide we should go.
As we pile out of the car, the twins fight over Epstein.
"Let's do the corn maze first," David tells him. "It's really hard!"
"Horse rides," Sam says. "Don't you think that will be fun, Epstein?"
"Yeah," he says enthusiastically. "It all sounds awesome."
"He's great," my mom whispers. "He's so sweet to the twins, so mature. Maybe it's growing up in Manhattan."
"Yeah." I feel happy that my mom likes Epstein. I wonder if his good manners make his ears look smaller.
"Alright. I'll go round up the twins and give you guys some space."
"Thanks, Mom."
I run up to Epstein, who says, "I love this. It's so nice to be out of the city."
"Sorry we have to hang out with my family. I really need to learn to drive."
"I'm having a great time." He smiles and I realize that the air feels especially crisp, the sky is a bright cloudless blue, and even the apples, which I've picked here every fall, seem brighter. Suddenly it doesn't matter that we're spending the day with my parents and brothers or that Toby freaked out last night. And Epstein is smart and cute! I imagine Ray whispering to me to go freaking ask him already if we're boyfriend-girlfriend. If it were Toby, he'd run over to someone like Arianna Kaufman, kneel before her with an apple, and say in a British accent, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Naturally, she'd crack up and say yes. Ray probably asked Jake if they were boyfriend and girlfriend after they had sex and were smoking cigarettes in bed. But Epstein and I have never had sex and my family is fifty feet away. I'm too nervous to ask him and so I just take his hand and lead him to the raspberry bushes on the other side of the orchard.
And then on the way home, because miracles do happen, my parents say they're taking the twins to a movie and won't be home till eight.
"We'll drop you guys off," my mom says, as if it's the most natural thing in the world for me to be home alone with a guy. I'm thrilled that Prudence isn't in the driveway and, since my grandmother is still at Harry's, Epstein and I are all alone.
This time, since the house is empty, I let Epstein go down on me. At first I can't help laughing because it feels weird and ticklish. Then it's awkward because Epstein looks up at me through my open legs.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
I almost say, Are you my boyfriend? but I stop myself and just nod.
"Should I keep going?"
I nod again and then bite my bottom lip so I won't laugh anymore. When I finally relax enough the licking starts to feel pretty good, but then Epstein stops and just lies on top of me. I guess maybe his tongue is tired. I remind myself to ask Ray how long guys usually go down on her for, and then I wonder why I'm thinking about Ray when I'm half naked with a city boy on my bed. I wonder if Epstein will want to have sex, and if I want to have sex, but then we hear the back door open and Toby starts singing "I Am the Walrus" at the top of his lungs, so we stop doing what we're doing and get dressed.
Sunday means brunch at Ginger's, so my grandmother is home and my parents are gone super early. And I don't believe it, but Toby actually volunteers to drive Epstein to the train. He pockets the money my mom left so Epstein could take a taxi, but I ignore it because I'm thrilled that he's acting normal again.
"You get shotgun," he tells Epstein.
"Hey!" I joke.
Epstein chooses one of my brother's playlists and it's great to see them both bopping their heads to the opening of "Come Together."
"It's amazing how much the Beatles did in just seven years," my brother says.
Epstein nods. "They revolutionized recording for sure."
Toby bops his head happily. "Those hippie jam bands wouldn't be around without the Beatles."
When Epstein nods in agreement, I feel like he and my brother have been friends for a million years.
Toby gets Epstein to the train with four minutes to spare. Epstein jumps out, grabs his bag, and kisses me quickly. Toby shakes Epstein's hand in one of those ridiculously complicated ways, and they both laugh, and I feel incredibly happy that Epstein finally got to see Toby as Toby.
