"There, I have finished it. Oh dear, how like her _un_converted diary is to my _con_verted one!"_"Jan. 14th._--A sorrowful day: he and I parted, after a fortnight of the tenderest affection, and that mutual respect without which neither of us, I think, could love long. I had resolved to be very brave; but we were alone, and his bright face looked so sad; the change in it took me by surprise, and my resolution failed; I clung to him. If gentlemen could interpret, as we can, he would never have left me. It is better as it is.
He kissed my tears away as fast as they came: it was the first time he had ever kissed more than my hand; so I shall have that to think of, and his dear promised letters: but it made me cry more at the time, of course. Some day, when we have been married years and years, I shall tell him not to go and pay a lady for every tear; if he wants her to leave off.
"The whole place so gloomy and vacant now.
_"Jan. 20th._--Poverty stares us in the face. Edward says we could make a modest living in London; and nobody be the wiser: but here we are known, and _'must_ be ladies and gentlemen, and fools,' he says. He has now made me seriously promise not to give money and things out of the house to the poor: it is robbing my mother and him. Ah, now I see it _is_ nonsense to despise money: here I come home sad from my poor people; and I used to return warm all over. And the poor old souls do not enjoy my sermons half so much as when I gave them nice things to eat along with them.
"The dear boy, that I always loved dearly, but _admire_ and love now that he has turned an intolerable tyrant and he used to be Wax, has put down two maids out of our three, and brings our dinner up himself in a jacket, then puts on his coat and sits down with us, and we sigh at him and he grins and derides us; he does not care one straw for Pomp. And mamma and I have to dress one another now. And I like it."_"Jan. 30th._--He says we may now, by great economy, subsist honestly till my wedding-day; but then mamma and he must _'absquatulate.'_ Oh, what stout hearts men have. They can jest at sorrow even when, in spite of their great thick skins, they feel it. Ah, the real poor are happy:
they marry, and need not leave the parish where their mother lives."_"Feb. 4th._--A kind and most delicate letter from Jane. She says, 'Papa and I are much grieved at Captain Dodd's affliction, and deeply concerned at your loss by the Bank. Papa has asked Uncle Thomas for two hundred pounds, and I entreat you to oblige me by receiving it at my hands and applying it according to the dictates of your own affectionate heart.""Actually our Viceroy will not let me take it: he says he will not accept a crumb from the man who owes us a loaf."_"Feb. 8th._--Jane mortified, and no wonder. If she knew how very poor we are, she would be surprised as well. I have implored her not to take it to heart, for that all will be explained one day, and she will see we _could_ not.
"His dear letters! I feed on them. We have no secrets, no two minds. He is to be a first class and then a private tutor. Our money is to go to mamma: it is he and I that are to work our fingers to the bone (I am so happy!), and never let them be driven by injustice from their home. But all this is a great secret. The Viceroy will be defeated, only I let him talk till Alfred is here to back me. No; it is _not_ just the rightful owner of fourteen thousand pounds should be poor.
"How shallow female education is: I was always led to suppose modesty is the highest virtue. No such thing! Justice is the queen of the virtues:
_He_ is justice incarnate."
_"March 10th._--On reperusing this diary, it is demoralising; very: it feeds self. Of all the detestable compositions: Me, Me, Me, from one end to another: for when it is not about myself, it is about Alfred, and that it is my he-Me though not my she-one. So now to turn over a new leaf:
from this day I shall record only the things that happen in this house and what my betters say to _me,_ not what I say; and the texts; and outline of the sermons; and Jane's Christian admonitions."Before a resolve so virtuous all impure spirits retire, taking off their hats, and bowing down to the very ground, but apprehending Small Beer.
