When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking hold of Mr.Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself.When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite manner; but it wasn't my business to speak.When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke too, and here I am.But don't be frightened; I'm not a- going to dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other parties-- on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you to have a care, or they will TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD.""Is that all, sir?" says Mr.Preston, still in a rage."If you have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung into his study in a rage.
"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, "and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting cold:" and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado.But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale and trembling, said, "Mr.Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be angry--that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, believe me, it has given me very great--"Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs.But little Lady Fannywalked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my dear Mr.Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle.
So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say or do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master.But neither of them did me any such favour! and I went away and dined at home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully.
I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the particulars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just said that the old lady--("They were the Drum arms," says Gus; "for I went and looked them out that minute in the 'Peerage'")--that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in the Park.Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter, I must confess that I WAS rather pleased that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my adventure.
But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs.Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St.Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's "Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the other, I saw as follows:-1.A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear Mary Smith.
2.A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes.
3.An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs.Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw.
And three cards--viz.
DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM.LADY FANNY RAKES.MR.PRESTON.LADY JANE PRESTON.
EARL OF TIPTOFF.
"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs.Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing spoke)."Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries- -two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small- clothes; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin.
"'Pray, madam, does Mr.Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with her clear voice.
"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.'
"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn.
"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of fruit besides.
"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to Mr.Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and request his acceptance of them;' and then he pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with his Lordship's own crown."And herewith Mrs.Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this day, by the way, and which runs thus:-"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr.Titmarsh's company.Lady Jane is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season.But Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr.Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he knows so well how to speak."Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum at home.Friday evening, June 17."And all this came to me because myaunt Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin!
I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for sending it at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and peaches to my aunt in Somersetshire.
"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of our gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a merry night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of ale, and gin-punch afterwards.And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank toasts; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning here, because, entre nous, I had quite forgotten in the morning everything that had taken place after a certain period on the night before.
