MISS MINERVA OPENS HER BOOK OF REVELATION IN A CAB"Assure the Lord Chancellor that the last boy has been and gone--gone away, that is, Mr.Ferdinand, and that I pledge my sacred word not to have another telegram to-day.""Yes, sir.His lordship desired that you should be informed that, according to the law regulating public abominations and intolerable street noises, you was liable to--""I know, I know."
"And that, by the Act dealing with gross offences against the public order and scandalous crimes against the peace of metropolitan communities, you was amenable--""Exactly.Go to his lordship and swear--""I couldn't do that so soon again, sir, really.I swore only as short ago as yesterday, sir, by your express order, but--""I mean asseverate to his lordship that the very last boy has knocked for the very last time.""It wasn't so much the knocking, sir, his lordship complained of, as the boys coming to the door meeting the boys going away from it, and blocking up the pavement, sir, so that no one could get past and--""Yes, yes.Go and asseverate at once, Mr.Ferdinand.""Very well, sir.And Her Grace, the Duchess of Camberwell, who is passing from one fit to another, sir, from fright at the uproar and telegrams going to the wrong house, sir?""Implore Her Grace to have courage and to trust me as a gentleman when I promise solemnly that the knocking shall not be renewed.""Very well, sir."
"Mr.Ferdinand!"
"Sir?"
"Have the knockers swathed in cotton-wool at once.""Yes, sir,"
"And--fix a bulletin on the door.Wait! I'll write it."The Prophet hastened to his writing table and, with a hand that trembled violently, wrote on a card as follows:--"Owner of this house seriously ill, pray do not knock or /death/ shall certainly ensue.""There! Poor grannie will have peace now.Nail that up, Mr.Ferdinand, under the cotton-wool.""Very well, sir.Mrs.Merillia, sir, would be glad to speak to you for a moment.You remember I informed you?""I'll go to her at once.But first bring me a glass of brandy, Mr.
Ferdinand.I'm feeling extremely unwell."And the Prophet, who was paler far than ashes, and beaded from top to toe with perspiration, sank down feebly upon a chair and let his head drop on the blotting-pad that lay on his writing-table.
When he had swallowed an inch or two of cognac he got up, pulled himself together with both hands, and walked, like an elderly person afflicted with incipient locomotor ataxy, upstairs into the drawing-room where Mrs.Merillia was lying on a sofa, ministered to by Fancy Quinglet, who, at the moment of his entrance, was busily engaged in stuffing a large wad of cotton-wool into the right ear of her beloved mistress.
"Leave us please, Fancy," said Mrs.Merillia, in a voice that sounded much older than usual."And as your head is so bad, too, you had better lie down.""Thank you, ma'am.If I keep upright, ma'am, I feel my head will split asunder.I can't speak different nor feel other.""Then don't be upright."
"No, ma'am.Them that feels other, let them declare it!" and Mrs.Fancy retired, holding both hands to her temples, and uttering very distinctly sundry stifled moans.
Mrs.Merillia motioned the Prophet to a chair, and, after lying quite still for about five minutes with her eyes tightly shut, said in a weak tone of voice,--"How many more telegrams do you expect, Hennessey? You have had twenty-seven within the last three hours.Can you give me a rough general idea of the average number you anticipate will probably arrive every hour from now till the offices close?""Grannie, grannie, forgive me! I assure you--""Don't be afraid to tell me, Hennessey.It is much better to know the worst, and fact it bravely.Will the present average be merely sustained, or do you expect the quantity to increase towards night?
because if so--"
"Grannie, there will be no more.I swear to you solemnly that I will not have another telegram to-day.I will not upon my sacred honour.
Nothing--not wild horses even--shall induce me.""Horses! Then were they racing tips, Hennessey? Yes, give me the /eau de Cologne/ and fan me gently.Were they racing tips?""Oh, grannie, how could you suppose--"
At this moment Mr.Ferdinand entered softly and went up to Mrs.
Merillia.
"Mr.Q.Elisha Hubsbee, ma'am.He is deeply distressed and asks for news...""The Central American Ambassador's grandfather," said Mrs.Merillia, reading the card which Mr.Ferdinand handed to her.
"Shocked to hear you are so ill that a knock will finish you.Guess you must be far gone.Earnest sympathy.Have you tried patent morphia molasses?
Q.E.H."
"Ah! how things get about! Tell Mr.Elisha Hubsbee the knocks have nearly killed us all, Mr.Ferdinand, but we are bearing up as well as can be expected.If necessary we will certainly try the molasses.""Yes, ma'am."
"It is two o'clock now, Hennessey.The Charing Cross office is open till midnight, I believe, so at the present rate you should only have about ninety more telegrams to-day.But if you have reason to expect--"Mr.Ferdinand re-entered.
"Mrs.Hendrick Marshall has called, ma'am.She desired me to say she was passing the door and was much horrified to find that you are so near the point, ma'am.""What point, Mr.Ferdinand?"
"Of death, ma'am.She had no idea at all, ma'am.""Oh, thank Mrs.Hendrick Marshall, Mr.Ferdinand, and say we shall try to keep from the point for the present.
"Yes, ma'am."
"--That the numbers will go up as the afternoon draws on, Hennessey--""Grannie, haven't I sworn, and have you ever known me to tell you a--"Suddenly the Prophet stopped short, thinking how that very night he would be forced by his oath to "Madame and self" to break his promise to his grandmother, how already it would have been broken had not Mr.
Ferdinand on the previous night been in possession of the telescope.
