'You are right there,'said the landlord;'much the brewer would care for anything you could say on my behalf-your going would be the very way to do me up entirely.A pretty opinion he would have of the state of my affairs if I were to send him such a 'cessor as you;and as for your lending me money,don't think I was ever fool enough to suppose either that you had any,or if you had that you would be fool enough to lend me any.No,no,the coves of the ring knows better;I have been in the ring myself,and knows what a fighting cove is,and though I was fool enough to back those birds,I was never quite fool enough to lend anybody money.What I am about to propose is something very different from going to my landlord,or lending any capital;something which,though it will put money into my pocket,will likewise put something handsome into your own.I want to get up a fight in this here neighbourhood,which would be sure to bring plenty of people to my house,for a week before and after it takes place;and as people can't come without drinking,I think I could,during one fortnight,get off for the brewer all the sour and unsaleable liquids he now has,which people wouldn't drink at any other time,and by that means,do you see,liquidate my debt;then,by means of betting,making first all right,do you see,I have no doubt that I could put something handsome into my pocket and yours,for I should wish you to be the fighting man,as I think I can depend upon you.''You really must excuse me,'said I;'I have no wish to figure as a pugilist;besides,there is such a difference in our ages;you may be the stronger man of the two,and perhaps the hardest hitter,but I am in much better condition,am more active on my legs,so that Iam almost sure I should have the advantage,for,as you very properly observed,"Youth will be served."''Oh,I didn't mean to fight,'said the landlord;'I think I could beat you if I were to train a little;but in the fight I propose I looks more to the main chance than anything else.I question whether half so many people could be brought together if you were to fight with me as the person I have in view,or whether there would be half such opportunities for betting,for I am a man,do you see;the person Iwants you to fight with is not a man,but the young woman you keeps company with.'
'The young woman I keep company with,'said I;'pray what do you mean?'
'We will go into the bar,and have something,'said the landlord,getting up.'My niece is out,and there is no one in the house,so we can talk the matter over quietly.'Thereupon I followed him into the bar,where,having drawn me a jug of ale,helped himself as usual to a glass of sherry,and lighted a cigar,he proceeded to explain himself further.'What I wants is to get up a fight between a man and a woman;there never has yet been such a thing in the ring,and the mere noise of the matter would bring thousands of people together,quite enough to drink out,for the thing should be close to my house,all the brewer's stock of liquids,both good and bad.''But,'said I,'you were the other day boasting of the respectability of your house;do you think that a fight between a man and a woman close to your establishment would add to its respectability?''Confound the respectability of my house,'said the landlord;'will the respectability of my house pay the brewer,or keep the roof over my head?No,no!when respectability won't keep a man,do you see,the best thing is to let it go and wander.
Only let me have my own way,and both the brewer,myself,and every one of us,will be satisfied.And then the betting-what a deal we may make by the betting-and that we shall have all to ourselves,you,I,and the young woman;the brewer will have no hand in that.I can manage to raise ten pounds,and if by flashing that about I don't manage to make a hundred,call me horse.''But suppose,'said I,'the party should lose,on whom you sport your money,even as the birds did?''We must first make all right,'
said the landlord,'as I told you before;the birds were irrational beings,and therefore couldn't come to an understanding with the others,as you and the young woman can.The birds fought fair;but I intend that you and the young woman should fight cross.''What do you mean by cross?'said I.'Come,come,'said the landlord,'don't attempt to gammon me;you in the ring,and pretend not to know what fighting cross is!That won't do,my fine fellow;but as no one is near us,I will speak out.I intend that you and the young woman should understand one another,and agree beforehand which should be beat;and if you take my advice,you will determine between you that the young woman shall be beat,as I am sure that the odds will run high upon her,her character as a fist-woman being spread far and wide,so that all the flats who think it will be all right will back her,as I myself would,if I thought it would be a fair thing.''Then,'said I,'you would not have us fight fair?''By no means,'said the landlord,'because why?-Iconceives that a cross is a certainty to those who are in it,whereas by the fair thing one may lose all he has.''But,'said I,'you said the other day that you liked the fair thing.''That was by way of gammon,'said the landlord;'just,do you see,as a Parliament cove might say,speechifying from a barrel to a set of flats,whom he means to sell.Come,what do you think of the plan?'
'It is a very ingenious one,'said I.
'Ain't it?'said the landlord.'The folks in this neighbourhood are beginning to call me old fool;but if they don't call me something else,when they sees me friends with the brewer,and money in my pocket,my name is not Catchpole.Come,drink your ale,and go home to the young gentlewoman.'
'I am going,'said I,rising from my seat,after finishing the remainder of the ale.
'Do you think she'll have any objection?'said the landlord.
'To do what?'said I.
'Why,to fight cross.'
'Yes,I do,'said I.
'But you will do your best to persuade her?'
'No,I will not,'said I.
'Are you fool enough to wish to fight fair?'
'No,'said I,'I am wise enough to wish not to fight at all.'
'And how's my brewer to be paid?'said the landlord.
'I really don't know,'said I.
'I'll change my religion,'said the landlord.
