登陆注册
5386500000041

第41章 A WOMAN WITHOUT A HEART(17)

"I will not repeat all the biting words with which I ridiculed her. In vain; my bitterest sarcasms and keenest irony never made her wince nor elicited a sign of vexation. She heard me, with the customary smile upon her lips and in her eyes, the smile that she wore as a part of her clothing, and that never varied for friends, for mere acquaintances, or for strangers.

" 'Isn't it very nice of me to allow you to dissect me like this?' she said at last, as I came to a temporary standstill, and looked at her in silence. 'You see,' she went on, laughing, 'that I have no foolish over-sensitiveness about my friendship. Many a woman would shut her door on you by way of punishing you for your impertinence.'

" 'You could banish me without needing to give me the reasons for your harshness.' As I spoke I felt that I could kill her if she dismissed me.

" 'You are mad,' she said, smiling still.

" 'Did you never think,' I went on, 'of the effects of passionate love? A desperate man has often murdered his mistress.'

" 'It is better to die than to live in misery,' she said coolly. 'Such a man as that would run through his wife's money, desert her, and leave her at last in utter wretchedness.'

"This calm calculation dumfounded me. The gulf between us was made plain; we could never understand each other.

" 'Good-bye,' I said proudly.

" 'Good-bye, till to-morrow,' she answered, with a little friendly bow.

"For a moment's space I hurled at her in a glance all the love I must forego; she stood there with than banal smile of hers, the detestable chill smile of a marble statue, with none of the warmth in it that it seemed to express. Can you form any idea, my friend, of the pain that overcame me on the way home through rain and snow, across a league of icy-sheeted quays, without a hope left? Oh, to think that she not only had not guessed my poverty, but believed me to be as wealthy as she was, and likewise borne as softly over the rough ways of life! What failure and deceit! It was no mere question of money now, but of the fate of all that lay within me.

"I went at haphazard, going over the words of our strange conversation with myself. I got so thoroughly lost in my reflections that I ended by doubts as to the actual value of words and ideas. But I loved her all the same; I loved this woman with the untouched heart that might surrender at any moment--a woman who daily disappointed the expectations of the previous evening, by appearing as a new mistress on the morrow.

"As I passed under the gateway of the Institute, a fevered thrill ran through me. I remembered that I was fasting, and that I had not a penny. To complete the measure of my misfortune, my hat was spoiled by the rain. How was I to appear in the drawing-room of a woman of fashion with an unpresentable hat? I had always cursed the inane and stupid custom that compels us to exhibit the lining of our hats, and to keep them always in our hands, but with anxious care I had so far kept mine in a precarious state of efficiency. It had been neither strikingly new, nor utterly shabby, neither napless nor over-glossy, and might have passed for the hat of a frugally given owner, but its artificially prolonged existence had now reached the final stage, it was crumpled, forlorn, and completely ruined, a downright rag, a fitting emblem of its master. My painfully preserved elegance must collapse for want of thirty sous.

"What unrecognized sacrifices I had made in the past three months for Foedora! How often I had given the price of a week's sustenance to see her for a moment! To leave my work and go without food was the least of it! I must traverse the streets of Paris without getting splashed, run to escape showers, and reach her rooms at last, as neat and spruce as any of the coxcombs about her. For a poet and a distracted wooer the difficulties of this task were endless. My happiness, the course of my love, might be affected by a speck of mud upon my only white waistcoat! Oh, to miss the sight of her because I was wet through and bedraggled, and had not so much as five sous to give to a shoeblack for removing the least little spot of mud from my boot! The petty pangs of these nameless torments, which an irritable man finds so great, only strengthened my passion.

"The unfortunate must make sacrifices which they may not mention to women who lead refined and luxurious lives. Such women see things through a prism that gilds all men and their surroundings. Egoism leads them to take cheerful views, and fashion makes them cruel; they do not wish to reflect, lest they lose their happiness, and the absorbing nature of their pleasures absolves their indifference to the misfortunes of others. A penny never means millions to them; millions, on the contrary, seem a mere trifle. Perhaps love must plead his cause by great sacrifices, but a veil must be lightly drawn across them, they must go down into silence. So when wealthy men pour out their devotion, their fortunes, and their lives, they gain somewhat by these commonly entertained opinions, an additional lustre hangs about their lovers' follies; their silence is eloquent; there is a grace about the drawn veil; but my terrible distress bound me over to suffer fearfully or ever I might speak of my love or of dying for her sake.

同类推荐
  • 大方广如来藏经

    大方广如来藏经

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 大宋宣和遗事

    大宋宣和遗事

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 平定交南录

    平定交南录

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 稽神录

    稽神录

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 正一殟司辟毒神灯仪

    正一殟司辟毒神灯仪

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
热门推荐
  • 不止是错杀

    不止是错杀

    罗伍像个木头桩子似的也不知道站了多久,如果说人真的有七情六欲,那么此刻都被拧成了一个死结套住了他的脖子,紧紧的。张晓红,他的前妻,死了,就躺在他的脚下,后背插了一把水果刀,鲜血已经浸透了衣服,正滴滴答答往地板上漫延。凶手是我吗?罗伍脑袋里不断盘旋这句话,一遍又一遍,打也打不住。那我为什么要这么做?他狠狠拍打了几下自己的额头,震荡感让他慢慢找回了知觉。
  • 空间嫡女:一品世子妃

    空间嫡女:一品世子妃

    前世过劳死的叶瑾,穿越之后过得滋润的很。空间、灵泉、妙药通通在手!施毒、治病、经商不在话下!庶妹想要渣男?行行行,都给你。姨娘想要霸占她的嫁妆?绝对不行!未曾想,却惹来了一个阴魂不散,还妄想在她店里赊账的混蛋。“小姐,这株九百年的人参,世子爷说先记账!”小厮瑟瑟发抖。“拿了欠条,去王府找他爹要!”叶瑾忍了。“小姐,这新鲜的天山雪莲,世子爷说了记在您账上。”掌柜一脸郁卒。“拿了欠条,去王府找他娘要!”叶瑾再忍。“小姐,世子爷说——”叶瑾忍无可忍:“去告诉他,要什么都行,唯独赊账不行!”下一秒,门口出现了笑的一脸得逞的某人:“小瑾儿,我只要你,以后绝不赊账!”
  • 无赖小夫人:误惹清纯妖孽

    无赖小夫人:误惹清纯妖孽

    初次相识,她想着要这个清纯的不像话的美人娶回家,不然就是对不起列祖列宗,可到后来,才发现自己被他给骗了,他在人前一个样,在她面前又是一个样。可,这远远不是这个男子想要的,他绝美的容颜就是利器。拜幽庶狸美美的小脸哀怨:“若儿,你可是不要我了?”若海沐呼吸一窒,怎么反了,“不是的,你误会了。”
  • 岩幽栖事

    岩幽栖事

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。汇聚授权电子版权。
  • 穿越女尊之农家女

    穿越女尊之农家女

    家徒四壁无路可走,唯有读书方为正道!这是一个农家女的官位奋斗史,且看她如何以乡村野娃的身份成为那人上人!瞧不起农户的出生?手握重权随便一项压死你!农家女又怎样,才情、样貌、气质、谈吐,样样皆是人中龙凤,不怕你看不上,就怕你看上!————推书~《养鱼为患》作者:六日闲
  • 尸城末日

    尸城末日

    既然都市里没有我要的安宁,那就在我的城市里用它们来创造吧。
  • 逃跑妾妃:腹黑王爷是师兄

    逃跑妾妃:腹黑王爷是师兄

    南城第一恶女木萧萧要嫁人了,什么?嫁的是逍遥王?那可是万千少女的梦啊!一个古灵精怪,一个切开是黑的,这两人到底会碰撞出什么样的火花?“我要休了你!”“不行。”慕风拿过休书看也不看便撕得粉碎。木萧萧瞪大眼睛看着满地的纸屑,那可是她翻遍所有文献才写出来的。“根据相关条例,我是可以休了你的!”“根据王爷府家规,本王不允许。”木萧萧道:“狗屁王你是个怪物吧?绝对是个怪物吧?”“道高一尺魔高一丈,任凭你木萧萧再聪明,也逃不了本王的手掌心。”慕风如是说道。
  • 只有回不去的过往 没有到不了的明天

    只有回不去的过往 没有到不了的明天

    你在人生路上一刻不停地策马向前,任由疲惫和苦难侵蚀你一遍又一遍,你的眼前弥漫着一层层云雾,茫然无措。 你仍然蕴藏着力量,你只是不知如何拥有平衡的生活。歇一歇脚,等待灵魂追赶你的身体,等待风景跟上你的眼睛。请允许作者抬起她的手,尽一份绵薄的力量,拨开你眼前的云雾。从此,你可以带着一双透彻的眼睛,细心探索生命路程上的一切美丽事物,并永葆好奇之心。作者只想介绍给你这样一种生活状态:脚踏实地地追求梦想,畅快淋漓地体验生活,平静安稳地感受幸福。
  • 划过天空的眼泪

    划过天空的眼泪

    我是一名L,约定破碎,流星划过天空,许下心愿,我来到他们身边。你说要我珍惜我所经历的一切,可我忘掉所有,梦回暮夜。
  • 重生楼兰:农家桃花香

    重生楼兰:农家桃花香

    卢阿暖穿越了,家徒四壁,娘软弱,弟妹众多,娘肚子里还有一个,卢阿暖一咬牙,决定向穿越人士学习,种田发家致富!这一辈子不能做白富美,一定努力做高富帅他妈!可在这个重男轻女的楼兰国,处处碰壁,卢阿暖告诉自己,咱不拼爹,拼实力,拼人品。眼看日子好过了,极品亲戚轮番上阵,卢阿暖怒了,“你们是不是以为我们孤儿寡母好欺负,一个个得寸进尺。既然你们不让咱活,那都别活了!”就这样,卢阿暖成了远近闻名的泼妇。有人甚至扬言倒了八辈子霉,才会娶卢阿暖!眼看阿暖越来越大,日子越过越好,就是没有人上门提亲,家人急坏了,阿暖却漫不经心的说道,“走自己的路,让他人去说,谁要是挡着我赚钱养家致富路,斗智斗勇,撒泼骂街咱奉陪!”直到卢阿暖赚的盆满钵满,嫁了人,村里人才恍然大悟,他们被狂了。洞房花烛夜。卢阿暖揪住亲亲相公的耳朵,笑骂道,“这些年真是委屈你了,那么努力的帮我散播谣言,替我省去不少烦恼!”“不麻烦,不麻烦,应该的,应该的!”幸亏这样子,不然,他怎么娶得到美娇娘。尽管这媳妇如今睡在他的炕上,可是,窗户外,一大群野狼正虎视眈眈。生意越做越大,相公越来越抠,能省则省。“我说,你那件里衣补了又补,上面全是补丁,丢了吧!”男人一听,眉头一皱,立即拿出随身携带的金算盘,噼里啪啦后,“阿暖啊,这生意不划算啊!”卢阿暖挑眉,等着男人说下去。“你看,我这里衣穿在里面,我不说,谁知道,而且,我丢了这一件,肯定会丢下一件,再说,我算了算,不置办新衣,那银子省下来刚好可以给你置办一双鞋子!”“我已经很多鞋子了!”“没事,多几双,可以换着穿!”卢阿暖以为日子就是这平平淡淡幸幸福福的过,一直遇到另外一个穿越女,看人家混得那叫风生水起。羡慕吗,嫉妒吗?不。卢阿暖觉得,坚强的人折磨生活,懦弱的人被生活折磨。(本文一对一,男女主身心干净,男主有点抠,但是,绝对爱女主!)