第239章 [1761](8)

I ought not perhaps to omit a trifling circumstance relative to this manuscript.I gave it, well sealed up, to Du Voisin, a minister in the pays de Vaud and chaplain at the Hotel de Hollande, who sometimes came to see me, and took upon himself to send the packet to Rey, with whom he was connected.The manuscript, written in a very small hand, was but very trifling, and did not fill his pocket.Yet, in passing the barriere, the packet fell, I know not by what means, into the hands of the Commis, who opened and examined it, and afterwards returned it to him, when he had reclaimed it in the name of the ambassador.This gave him an opportunity of reading it himself, which he ingenuously wrote me he had done, speaking highly of the work, without suffering a word of criticism or censure to escape him; undoubtedly reserving to himself to become the avenger of Christianity as soon as the work should appear.He sealed the packet and sent it to Rey.Such is the substance of his narrative in the letter in which he gave an account of the affair, and is all I ever knew of the matter.

Besides these two books and my dictionary of music, at which I still did something as opportunity offered, I had other works of less importance ready to make their appearance, and which I proposed to publish either separately or in my general collection, should I ever undertake it.The principal of these works, most of which are still in manuscript in the hands of De Peyrou, was an essay on the origin of Languages, which I had read to M.de Malesherbes and the Chevalier de Lorenzi, who spoke favorably of it.I expected all the productions together would produce me a net capital of from eight to ten thousand livres, which I intended to sink in annuities for my life and that of Theresa; after which, our design, as I have already mentioned, was to go and live together in the midst of some province, without further troubling the public about me, or myself with any other project than that of peacefully ending my days, and still continuing to do in my neighborhood all the good in my power, and to write at leisure the memoirs which I meditated.

Such was my intention, and the execution of it was facilitated by an act of generosity in Rey, upon which I cannot be silent.This bookseller, of whom so many unfavorable things were told me in Paris, is, notwithstanding, the only one with whom I have always had reason to be satisfied.It is true, we frequently disagreed as to the execution of my works; he was heedless and I was choleric but in matters of interest which related to them, although I never made with him an agreement in form, I always found in him great exactness and probity.He is also the only person of his profession who frankly confessed to me he gained largely by my means; and he frequently, when he offered me a part of his fortune, told me I was the author of it all.Not finding the means of exercising his gratitude immediately upon myself, he wished at least to give me proofs of it in the person of my governante, upon whom he settled an annuity of three hundred livres, expressing in the deed that it was an acknowledgment for the advantages I had procured him.This he did between himself and me, without ostentation, pretension, or noise, and had not I spoken of it to everybody, not a single person would ever have known anything of the matter.I was so pleased with this action that I became attached to Rey, and conceived for him a real friendship.Sometime afterwards he desired I would become godfather to one of his children; I consented, and a part of my regret in the situation to which I am reduced, is my being deprived of the means of rendering in future my attachment to my goddaughter useful to her and her parents.Why am I, who am so sensible of the modest generosity of this bookseller, so little so of the noisy eagerness of many persons of the highest rank, who pompously fill the world with accounts of the services they say they wished to render me, but the good effects of which I never felt? Is it their fault or mine? Are they nothing more than vain; is my insensibility purely ingratitude?

Intelligent reader, weigh and determine; for my part I say no more.

This pension was a great resource to Theresa and a considerable alleviation to me, although I was far from receiving from it a direct advantage, any more than from the presents that were made her.

She herself has always disposed of everything.When I kept her money I gave her a faithful account of it without ever applying any part of the deposit to our common expenses, not even when she was richer than myself."What is mine is ours," said I to her; "and what is thine is thine." I never departed from this maxim.They who have had the baseness to accuse me of receiving by her hands that which I refused to take with mine, undoubtedly judged of my heart by their own, and knew but little of me.I would willingly eat with her the bread she should have earned, but not that she should have had given her.For a proof of this I appeal to herself, both now and hereafter, when, according to the course of nature, she shall have survived me.

Unfortunately, she understands but little of economy in any respect, and is, besides, careless and extravagant, not from vanity nor gluttony, but solely from negligence.No creature is perfect here below, and since her excellent qualities must be accompanied with some defects, I prefer these to vices; although her defects are more prejudicial to us both.The efforts I have made, as formerly I did for mamma, to accumulate something in advance which might some day be to her a never-failing resource, are not to be conceived; but my cares were always ineffectual.